This story is yet again based on Bones. Bones that now weirdly enough seems like the guideline for how to do TV romances. The scene is very very much inspired by Bones. Umm so a lot of the rights belong to HH and SN. But Steffi and I talked and it kinda seemed fitting as something we could see possible happening if Alicia chooses Will now...
I don't own Bones or The Good Wife
The Parts in The Sum of The Whole
The rain was falling heavily around her, it hadn't rained when she arrived at work this morning but it did now. Soaking her coat and the rest of her clothes fast as she walked, almost run along the streets. The case she had that day, the divorce she had handled, it suddenly reminded her so much of her own life. Why hadn't she seen it months ago? why hadn't she realized it back then what she was doing? Her client, the husband had told her today that he still loved his wife, but she wanted nothing of it, she wouldn't let him love her, he had screwed up in the past but she seemed to have forgiven him yet she wouldn't let him love her again.
"I love her Mrs. Florrick... I still do... but I could offer her nothing in the end, that she actually would take. She acted like she wanted to take it, like we were better but we never were, because she kept longing for another man... I saw it but I couldn't admit it because it hurt too much." He sighed looking depressed and hurt. She gently reached over the desk and touched his arm.
"So yes, give her whatever she wants now... the house, the money, it doesn't matter anymore. If she wants to take it all then give it to her... I just want to still see my kids, that is all." He whispered as he had gotten up and walked over to the window. "Why wouldn't she let me love her? She could see I was changed, that all I loved was her and our kids... but she wouldn't let me... she wouldn't let me close to her heart again." He whispered brokenly.
"She was scared, scared to be hurt again..." Alicia whispered, half to herself and half to the client.
"I would have given my life for her gladly... I wouldn't have hurt her again. I knew what it meant to lose her, to be without her and I would have done everything to never experience that again. Yet she chose him. The funny thing is they were over within a month..." He chuckled darkly, making Alicia shudder lightly, as it more and more reminded her of herself and Peter, and how she had chosen Will, even after agreeing to remarrying Peter. She had kissed Will, and Peter had found out and ended it with her. And she had chosen to be with Will, but it hadn't worked out, not even with others knowing, not even with them not working together anymore. Being in love with someone didn't seem to guarantee a relationship would work, and she had soon fallen out of love again, out of love and just been in lust that also had faded, until they were over for good.
"But she wouldn't let me love her, she still doesn't, so all I can really give her is all she wants in the divorce and her freedom, I have nothing else to offer her, nothing left." He had told her sadly, looking at her. "What did she have to lose in giving me a real chance to prove I could love her and be everything she wanted me to be? To let me show I was willing to spent the rest of my life making up for my past failures against her."
"Nothing, it wasn't that. She was terrified you would hurt her again, she feared she couldn't trust you again... she didn't see the reality as she was blinded by fear, and insecurity." Alicia whispered softly.
"She could have. I knew how much it hurts to lose her, to see her in such pain because of my actions. And I would never had done that to her again. Never... ever..." he whispered, and Alicia nodded softly again.
She shook her head trying to get rid of the thoughts. Of this sadness that seemed overwhelming and scary to her suddenly. How could she have been so stupid. How could she have done this? Were the thoughts that kept haunting her mind. Why hadn't she realized how deeply Peter actually loved her? And how badly she hurt him by first accepting his proposal after making him promise fidelity and to never hurt her like that again, yet she had gone and done it, it might just have been a kiss and thought they had pulled back a little, if Diane hadn't interrupted them she was pretty sure they would have slept together as well. That would have hurt him even deeper, because she knew there had been nothing but sex in it with him and Kalinda and Amber, and she screwed up with one she had feelings for, one that had been an emotional affair while she made Peter believe they were better, one she had kissed two times while with Peter, one she could easily have slept with, too. She now knew she had destroyed something which was and could have still been great, something that had made her happy and relaxed, and for what? Nothing, absolute nothing when it came down to it. "All I know is that I love you, so say yes...!" that was what he had told her and she had spent days considering and then she had said yes, and happily so. And then what she had done... she had just destroyed everything by her silly actions. Why hadn't she seen it earlier?
She ran further, cursing slightly that there was no cab in sight. Her car hadn't worked this morning and Grace had already left so she had to take one into the office. She slipped and fell once, walking or rather running on the wet pavement in high heels was clearly not a good idea. She scraped her knees and hurt her hip, she was pretty sure her clothes were ruined both from the rain and the mud now on it. She got up again and continued. Her hip was hurting, making it difficult to run further.
If she believed in God or another higher power she would say it was a part of the punishment she was facing because of what she had done. Because of the hearts she had broken along the way. She considered finding her phone, she really needed a cab. It would be too far to walk home in this weather, but the thought of standing still in the wet cold was not an appealing one either. She started to walk to the other side of the road, knowing she would need to continue down on a upcoming side road over there. She was in the middle of the street when she slipped and fell once more, cursing lightly. She started to try and get up, while she felt the first of her tears run down her cheek, mixing with the rain drops already there. She hadn't cried yet, though she had felt like it ever since that client meeting.
The moment when she realized what she had just done, how many lives she might just have ruined how many people she had hurt. Will, Diane, her kids and Peter, most of all him. She had broken his heart, she had broken what was probably the love of her life's heart for what? Nothing... fun? She had made herself think could be love, but had turned out to be passion and desire more than anything.
In the past she had felt it was everyone else hurting her, but now in this moment she knew she had hurt so many people around her too. She didn't know if there would be any coming back from this, if she would always be walking around knowing she made a mistake, that she chose the wrong person.
She brushed the tear of her face and blinked a few times it was hard seeing anything because of the rain and her tears. She heard a weird sound and looked up and to the side, getting blinded by the long yellow beams from the headlights of a car moving directly towards her. She felt her heart stop for a second, was this it? Was this her real punishment? Never getting to see anyone she cared about again, but leaving them all behind?
She had never hated herself more than in this moment. She wouldn't get a chance to tell them herself, to explain to them and to make it up to them. She would never get the chance to tell Peter that she loved him, that she had always loved him, even at the worst of times, he still had her heart.
She would never again get to hug Zach or Grace or a chance to tell Peter the truth and maybe get another chance with him. To feel his hot breath against her face, and his arms around her making everything else go away. How could she have been this stupid? Thinking the passion and attraction she felt for Will was anything compared to her long life with Peter. He had changed so much for her and she was happier than she had ever been when she was with him back last year and yet she hadn't let him love her, yet she hadn't given her heart fully in return as she knew she should have. He had worn his heart on his sleeve for her, and she had used him. And the worst of all her moves had been saying yes to remarrying him and she really had been happy in the moment as she did, and then two weeks later kissing and almost sleeping with Will. And going to Will the moment Peter set her free thinking that was what she wanted, what a fool she had been.
"I am sorry, Peter I am so sorry..." She whispered softly trying to move, but she was paralyzed in fear of what would happen in a few seconds.
The next she knew two strong arms had fastened around her, pulling her up the best he could and out of the car's way, throwing them both to the ground a hand under her head protecting her, and shielding her with his body at the same time. She felt all air knocked out of her, and her eyes were closed as she heard the sound of the car rushing by her and her savior. Her angel of mercy, or maybe of fate dooming her to a long life of knowing she had destroyed her chance of true happiness and love, for passion and fire.
"Alicia? Alicia please move... please be alright..." A strong voice pull her back to the world of the living and not just the fear and shadow world she had felt caught in minutes before, and she fluttered her eyelashes.
"What the hell were you thinking running around in the dark and rain like that on a road. Alicia... you could have been killed." She groaned due to the pain in her hip now pressed down on the hard ground.
"Peter..." She whispered softly, opening her eyes again and meeting his. His eyes were and mix of fear, worry, anger and tenderness.
"What were you doing Alicia? Here on the road alone so late?" He looked so worried at her, and she felt tears run down her face again. What had she done to them... to him?
She started shaking from the cold, rain and her sadness. And she felt him carefully wrap his arms around her in comfort, pulling her back into his chest, while they were still sitting on the wet ground. She buried herself into his warmth. Seeking everything inch of comfort he was offering her by his action, taking all he was giving her, soaking it up, like she was starving for it. A downing woman being pulled from the deep dark waters and breathing in all the oxygen she could, that was what she felt like in this moment. Breathing in all of his warmth and comfort, like she always should have, like she now wished she had done when she had the chance before.
"Hey... hey it is okay... I got you... you are okay... Alicia... it is all okay. I got you... It's okay." He held her gently against him, stroking her back trying to calm her like she did with their kids then they were hurt or in pain, while she continued to sob, her head buried into his shoulder.
"Alicia we need to get you home, you are soaked from the rain, and we are still at the road."
She felt how he moved, trying to stand up and pulling her with him up on her feet. She was shaking and shivering from the cold and the fear still in her body. Her legs having a hard time holding her up, and she was pretty sure she was only standing up straight because of his arms still holding her. She felt like she was falling the moment he let go of her to take his jacket off so he could wrap it around her shoulders. His arm stayed around her as he guided her around to the other side of the road where she saw his car parked. She wondered briefly how he had even found her, what he was even doing here. He shouldn't be in Chicago at the moment as far as she knew. Why wasn't he in Springfield? With his new girlfriend she had heard all about from the media and Grace. The amazing Christine, until tonight she hadn't felt anything but slightly confused and weird by him actually having moved on and found someone else, but now the thought of the new woman in his life made her heart ache.
He walked her over to the side passenger side and helped her into the car. She put on the seat-belt and pulled his jacket a bit closer around her, snuggling into its comfort and heat. She heard Peter getting into the car on the other side.
"Here let me get the heat on so you can warm up a little." He told her as he started the car and turned up the heat. She reached her icy hands forward hoping to get them warm again. She looked over when she heard him open the door once more, confused by why he was getting out of the car again. She heard him open the trunk and close it again and shortly after get into the driver's seat, carrying a thick woolen blanket he handed over to her.
"Here, I thought you would need it." She nodded softly, not ready to really speak yet. Something he seemed to accept generously. He started the car, and she placed the blanket over her legs and snuggled further into his jacket, and leaned back against the seat. Tears were forming in her eyes again. He still seemed to take care of her even now, saving her and helping her even after what she had done how she had crouched his heart, and it stunned her.
"Alicia what were you thinking, running around on the dark streets like this, in the rain..." He told her gently as they drove, all she could do was shrug her shoulders.
"I could have died..." She whispered softly, he had saved her life. Like he had once destroyed their carefully built world, he had now saved her life, made sure she would see their kids again, made sure she got a chance to say the things she should have spoken before.
"But you didn't... you are alright Alicia..." He whispered, and she could hear his voice weaver a little with a hint of an edge to it.
"I would have died with regrets... I would have..." She whispered softly, scared to say the least.
"We all have regrets... Alicia... it's life..." He told her gently, looking over at her quickly.
"No... I mean, I made a mistake..." She told him softly, looking over at him now. She knew if she didn't tell him now she probably never would, and she now knew the thought of dying without ever telling him the truth was the worst possible thing.
He looked at her quickly and confused.
"You mean walking out alone? Alicia don't worry you are alright. I came to your office having called home and no one answered, and after talking with Grace on her cell where she said you had to work late and she stayed at Shannon's. So I drove over there. I wanted to drop off the final papers. And I saw you leaving but you didn't hear my calling out for you. So I drove after you, hoping to catch you, even though you took some one way street so I had to look a bit more to find you again. I knew you wanted them as soon as possible and you looked distressed leaving the office. But don't worry you are alright now, aren't you?" He asked her gently, and she gulped.
He had followed her and he had found her and saved her, God, what had she done, listening to her body over her heart, she couldn't have made a bigger mistake. And the worst was, she knew he had signed the divorce papers now. She needed to tell him now or she feared she would never get the courage again.
"I made a mistake last year... I never really gave you a fair chance, never tried to really work us out. To let you in fully again." She whispered softly, looking over at him, she noticed how he tensed up, and his hands tightened on the wheel in shock over her words. "I should have... I wish I had... that is my regret." She added softly. She took in how he sighed and quickly glanced over at her, eyes dark and pained. Was she being selfish for telling him this now? She just couldn't live the regret of never speaking those words. He looked back on the road, and she waited silently for him to speak. Finally he sighed.
"Alicia... I am sorry..." he whispered, and with those words she already knew what the following would be, and she felt more tears escape her eyes. "I am with someone now... Christine... and I love her... she is not just a consolation to get over you... I love her..." He whispered softly, while she closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears running down her cheeks.
"The last thing I wanna do is hurt you... again... but... Alicia..." He added softly, clearly trying to be gentle to her, while turning her down, something she hadn't offered him, a comfort she hadn't given him the courtesy of. Yet here he was talking to her softly after having saved her life, and listened to her practically ask him to drop his new life because she had an sign form the universe.
"I know... I know..." She whispered, her voice thick from her tears. "I missed my chance." She added, turning her face away not wanting to risk him seeing her tears, and how much this broke her.
"I'm too late..." She whispered so soft it was most her own thoughts spoken out loud, yet she heard him sigh again.
"Alicia..." he answered softly.
"It's okay I understand. I can adjust. I will adjust..." She cried softly, hating herself more than ever that she hadn't seen what she had, that she hadn't followed or listened to her heart.
"Yeah... I did..." He whispered tenderly. Yeah he had adjusted and now 8 months after their split he had a new woman, one he loved, and today the day she had opened up to him was also the day he came to give her back the signed divorce papers. Papers that were signed from them both, and she couldn't do anything to turn back time to the year, month, week yes even day before and hope to make things right before it came to this.
"Yes you did..." She whispered softly.
"Do you need me to call someone... anyone to be with you... I mean maybe you shouldn't be alone right now..." He asked her protectively, and she realized they had arrived at her apartment complex. She shook her head, there was no one she wanted at the moment at least no one he would give her, as all she wanted was him. She was relieved Grace was with Shannon so she didn't see her mother this broken up, that would have been terrible.
"No... I will be okay..." She told him, forcing herself to sound stronger than she felt like. "Alone..." She added to make clear what she meant.
"Yeah..." he sighed. He looked over at her and she met his gaze, she could read he wanted to say more, but she couldn't hear it. She knew it might be cruel that she couldn't stand to hear his explanations or apologies for turning her down, then she probably should, and should accept them, but it just hurt too much. "I understand..." She told him instead, pushing the blanket off her lap, and started to take the jacket off. "Alicia keep that... you still have to go out to get to your front door and your clothes is soaked. You can give it back some other time." he told her softly, and she nodded, for once accepting what he offered, something she wouldn't ever again brush off.
"Thank you... and thank you for saving my life." She whispered softly, eyes locked with his, and he nodded in understanding. She hesitated for a moment, she had already said she made a mistake in choosing wrongly, in not letting him in but she still hadn't told him those words, but she couldn't say them now either, those three words, because saying those now would be cruel to him and Christine.
She gave him a half smile and brushed a few more tears off her cheek as she turned away and opened the car door and stepped out. It was still raining like the weather was a counterpart to her mood at this point. She walked to the front door not looking back. She couldn't, it would hurt so much more watching him drive away now than it ever had.
She had been home for an hour and had managed to shower and put on warm PJs consisting of an old shirt of Peter's she still had and a pair of sweatpants. The shirt was to just try and feel close to him yet again, though she knew she had lost him forever. That was then the door bell sounded, for the briefest of seconds her heart skipped a beat. It would be Peter and he would be here to tell her it would be alright, that he wanted her too, that he still did, and they could figure it out, she quickly pushed the thought away though, but yet it stayed in her head as she walked to the door, opening it and finding Owen standing outside. He looked her over once and then stepped in and hugged her. She buried her face into his shoulder. She knew it was Peter that had called him up though she had said she wanted to be alone. "Peter called..." Owen told her and she nodded against him, already knowing he did.
"What happened Alicia? why did Peter call and say I should go see you...? that you might need someone with you? What did he do to you now?" Owen asked her carefully, pulling back a little.
"I realized I made a mistake..." She told him in a low voice, making Owen look at he further confused, and then he looked like he suddenly realized something in a few brief seconds.
"You still love him don't you... you regret not staying with him. And you told him?" He asked her in shock, and Alicia nodded softly, relieved she wouldn't need to actually tell Owen all of that, but that he had figured it out.
"Wow... and since I am here and not him, I assume he said no..." Owen added further and she nodded again.
"Wow... I'm... I am sorry." He told her softly.
"It's okay... I mean I missed my chance..." She told him softly.
"Yeah... but what will you do? What do you plan on doing?" He asked her confused.
"Adjust... move on... let go like he did... what else can I do?" She answered.
"Yeah I mean... of course but..." He broke off clearly confused on what to say.
"That is all I can do now... Adjust..." She told him again, looking at him sadness filing her again, because it truly was all she could do now and focus on.
Adjusting and moving on, like he had done 8 months earlier.