The internet problem;
(Open to cloud sitting in his living room watching TV.)
Cloud:well this blows...I wonder if there's anything better on. (Flips through channels) nope not one good thing on.
(Tifa walks in through the kitchen)
Tifa:yeah cloud every TV show sucks to you. I honestly don't see why you don't go out with Aeris instead of watching TV.
Cloud:And I don't see why Aeris is still at work.
Tifa: well at least she tries cloud...you on the other hand just sit there watch TV,drink beer, and talk to yourself.
Cloud: (dumps his beer on his head) hey, you try living with thirty other people up there...it ain't easy.
Tifa:what the hell are you talking about?!
Cloud:I did not ask for a side of fries! (Slams door) man there is nothing to do!
Aeris:(in a sexy tone) hey Cloud I know what you can d-
Cloud: not now Aeris I'm thinking!
Aeris:awwwww...
Cloud:well Tidus did say he got a computer and internet recently and he also said that there's some interesting stuff on there.
(Cut to Tifa doing the dishes)
Tifa:damn Cloud and his chivalrys dead plates.
(Door flies open)
Cloud:Guess what I got!
Tifa: a life?
Cloud:...no Tifa,don't be stupid...any way its a 10 terrabyte hard drive computer...isn't that neat?...oh and I got WiFi hooked up in the house.
Tifa:so now this is gonna become your addiction?
Cloud:I don't have an addiction now so why would you say new?
Tifa:(sounding irritated) whaaaatever.
Cloud:I don't even care, anyway I'm going to go set this up in the basement,join me if you will.
(Cut to cloud three hours later in a chat room)
Cloud:(typing)"ha! Suckers,looks like I'm the only one getting a remake."
(Cut to Tidus in his room)
Tidus:(noticed new message,and reads it.) (In a slow pace) "ha! Suckers looks like I'm the only one getting a re"- oh son of a bitch!
(Cut back to cloud next to his computer)
Cloud: man! I haven't been this entertained in years!
Aeris:(from upstairs) I could have fixed that Cloud.
Cloud:Tifa when will you learn I'm with Aeris now.
Aeris:(from upstairs) this is aeris dear.
Cloud:riiight...kairi, got it.
Aeris:(from upstairs) bastard!
Cloud:Aaaaand I love you too!
Aeris:(from upstairs) oh now I'm comin' for you mother $%#*! (Goes down stair case quickly) your ass is mine!
(Aeris spanks cloud, while cloud screams in terror)
Aeris:(comes up stairs with her hair undone and dress ripped) whew!...I think I fixed that problem.
(Cut to cloud on the computer at 1:00 in the morning)
Aeris:Cloud...please come to bed.
Cloud:aaaaaawwww no!...there's still so much I gotta do!...I gotta poke Garland and E-mail Sephiroth, and...there's just sooo much!
Aeris:well...you can do one thing.
Cloud:awwwww...only one thing?
Aeris:only one thing,then you have to come to bed.
(Aeris leaves to her and clouds room)
Cloud:... One thing...
(Types in search box and clicks)
Cloud:oooh...how...interesting...
(Cut to cloud laying in bed and waking up to go downstairs)
Aeris:cloud its only 7:00 where are you going?
Cloud:I am going *ziiip!* to see what that Tidus bastard is saying about our game.
Aeris:sometimes I wonder about you cloud..
(Cut to cloud sitting in front of the computer on Facebook)
Cloud:Garland...Poke!...kefka...poke!... Tidus...forget that #$% *...but poke anyways!... Oh new message...from...oh (irritated) Tidus...click..."stop poking me you-"
How dare you!?
(Cut to Barret,Tifa,and Aeris sitting outside watching the soccer game.)
Barret:what's so great about that computer anyway? What's goldilocks lookin at?
Tifa:Dunno...
Aeris: you don't think?
Barret: (nods) yep...that's my assumption. What else could have caught that tiny mind of his in captive like that? So yeah I do think.
Aeris:(stands up and walks towards house)
Tifa:Aeris where are you going? The game has only just started.
Aeris:(from a distance) tell me what happens okay?...
(Cut to cloud sending Tidus a video chat request)
Cloud:I'll teach you to call me a porcupine headed little shit bag, you little shit bag! (Basement door is kicked in)
Cloud:WHAZZAT!?(abruptly turns around) oh boy...(computer makes ringing noise) so you have fallen in my trap keemosabbi. (Presses answer butten then presses ass against screen and starts rubbing it around) hello Tidus! How ya doin pal!
Aeris:Cloud!
Cloud:(faceplants) shhhhet. Listen Aeris lets not resort t- ow!
Aeris:(pulls out staff and puts cloud over her lap) this is for ignoring me! *whack!* this is for ignoring your friends! *thwap!* and this...well this is because I felt like it! *whip!* puff! Huff! Puff! Hoooooo! Glad to get that off my chest. Now Cloud will you please get off the computer and watch the game with us.
Cloud:(weak crying noise) uh huh...
Aeris:(puts hands together tilts head and smiles) good. Now let's go meet up with the others and see whose winning.
(Cut to Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, and Barret sitting in the grass watching the game.)
Cloud:Tidus doesn't have to get off the computer to spend time with his friends.
Aeris:(turns around and cocks her head) do you want another ass whoopin Cloud? Because you sound like your four right now...and four year olds who act like that...get ass whoopins.
Barret:yeah Cloud what exactly were you doing on that there computer?
I hope it wasn't any-
Cloud:no!...just no! Do you honestly think that I would stupe that low and do that?! Do you know how insane you sound Barret?!...You sound like you need to be medicated!
Barret:#$ %* you whitey! You and your Tidus rivalry can be rammed so far up your own ass that you ca- (Tifa intterupts)
Tifa:AHEM! Barret...not that this little exchange isn't productive at all but seriously the rating is high enough...dontcha think?
Barret:fine...we'll settle this later whitey
Cloud: fine by me black dynamite.
Barret:why you son of a!
Cloud:(screams and shoves his head in the sand like an ostrich) don't tear off my arms and ram them down my throat! I beg if you!
Barret:man get yo head outta the sand, you look like the ostrich version of Al Gore.
Tifa:and the ratings aren't even in existance's reach any more.
Cloud:(pulls his head out of the sand) what do you mean? We are still rated "T" right?
Tifa:well something tells me the writers may want to change that after the last few scenes thanks to you Cloud.
Aeris:(suddenly and completely off topic) GOOOOOOOOOooooooooaaaaaaalllllll!
Everyone:...
Aeris:heh...because ya know...in Brazil?...no...not feelin me?...(turns to the side) buncha swines.
Cloud:well I oughtta be getting back, I had that video chat recorded so now I can see the look on that little bastard's face over and over again! Well 'later
(Cloud leaves)
Tifa:you guys...I think I have a way of getting cloud back...now listen closely.(whisper whisper)
(Cut to clouds house living room, Tifa, Aeris, and Barret all have smart phones)
Cloud: yawwwww-...what are you guys doing?
Tifa:oh hey Cloud (not even looking away from screen) how did you sleep?
Cloud:pretty well given the fact that I hope I still am.
Aeris:(reaches out and hardly pinches Cloud)
Cloud:oowww!
Aeris:nope... Guess you're awake.(not even looking up from screen) do you want something to eat?
Cloud:no actually, I was just heading downstairs to use the computer. Thanks for the offer though. (Closes basement door and walks down the stairs)
Aeris:I don't think that even affected him...are you sure this will work?
Tifa:Believe me...he'll miss our company soon enough, and soon he will come back and beg for our forgiveness.
Barret: I hope so...Because I really need someone to degrade...why are you guys lookin at me like that?...I've grown used to it!...and now I miss it.
Aeris:well while we were at the Verizon store...I made a plan B...wanna hear it.
(Barret and Tifa nod)
Aeris:okay, (whisper whisper)
(Cut to Cloud heading to the basement while Aeris, Tifa, and Barret are on the couch trying not to laugh)
Cloud:what's so funny?
Barret:...oh!...uh nothing we're just watching AFV!...the funniest show in America!
Tifa:...yeah...the funniest show...in America...
Cloud:(shruggs and heads down stairs)
Aeris:...Tifa?
Tifa:ya.
Aeris:...what's America?
Tifa:(facepalm)...It's a real world connection Aeris...
Aeris:ooooohhhh...
Cloud:(from downstairs) what...what the hell?(runs up stairs and bursts through door) alright...which one of you ass monkeys touched my computer?
Barret: I dunno...why do you think someone touched it?
Cloud:I know some one touched it because, my mouse has a chip on it.
(Strife VII sitting next to zidane hot pockets ix)
Zidane hotpockets: Is that seriously the best we could come up with...I mean come on man!
Strife VII:look man its the best and hardest to disguise reference from step brothers...there's like four others in there and your just noticing this one?
Zidane hot pockets: I guess your right...say could we insert the part where Brennan and Dale double come back each other?
Strife VII: maybe some other time buddy.
Zidane hot pockets:(in a soft voice) bastard.
(Back to cloud and the gang)
Tifa: Cloud you're just upset because we have smart phones and aren't giving you an audience...
Cloud:that's not true!...but I do miss the audience...well I'm gonna trust you but if I go down there and get scarred for life for any reason...hell will be unleashed.
Barret:Whaaaatever whitey.
Cloud:Jack ass
Barret:What!?
Cloud:Nothing! (Goes back downstairs)
Aeris:he'll get his worth...
(Cut to cloud about to take computer out of sleep mode)
Cloud:oookay... (Moves mouse to discover that there is Sephiroth x Cloud yaoi)
Wh-...what!?...no! My eyes!...make it stoooooooop!no!,no!,no!(continues to scroll) why!? Why!? WHY!?...why would anyone go out of they're way to draw something so horrible and so wrong?! And why can't I stop scrolling!? (Barret, Aeris, and Tifa are standing behind Cloud laughing)
Cloud:...you...you all planned this...didn't you?...(pulls out the buster sword and chops up the computer)...you...cant hurt anyone...anymore.
Tifa:(in a quiet voice) I think we may have over done it Aeris.
Barret:yeah...that was a little harsh.
Aeris:I don't think so...now Cloud can pay me some attention.
Cloud:...the horror... I can still see it...its forever etched into my skull...how could you?...(falls to Aeris' feet and hugs her legs)
Aeris:oh...well...I didn't want this much attention...
(Cloud continues to cry)
Barret:This ain't right...Cloud...is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Cloud: well there is one thing.
Barret:(gets closer)
Cloud: remember that suit you wore on the boat ride to Costa del Sol in the game?...well you could dress up in that and do the YMCA.
(Cut to Barret in the sailor suit dancing the YMCA)
Radio:It's fun to stay at the...Y,M,C,A
Barret:...I feel...used...
~~~~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~~~~~~~