Disclaimer: I don't own XME. This one-shot is a somewhat parody of the 'Boy Meets World' episode 'They're Killing Us', which belongs to Disney (and probably many others. Not me, anyway. Not by a long shot).
This is also set in my multi-chapter fic 'All's Fair in Love and War', but it's unnecessary to read that to understand this. All you need to know is: Lance and Jean are twins; their adopted aunt is Pietro and Wanda's mother; Scott and Alex's mother, Abby, is alive; there is a new Brotherhood member called Lucie; and Jean and Scott have twins called Monica and Joseph (Joey for short). Pyro and Gambit are in the X-Men. The Brotherhood are still a separate team, but they get along with the majority of the X-Men, except Scott (most of the time).
They're Killing Us!
It had become apparent, much to Scott and Jean's annoyance, that the wedding plans were not running smoothly and the couple called a meeting, dropping Monica and Joey off with Jean's mother.
And so, one March afternoon, three months before the wedding, Scott and Jean were sat in the living room with the X-Men and Brotherhood waiting attentively.
"We've come to you because we have a huge problem." Jean began.
"And who better to come to than all of you?" Scott added in.
"We had no idea that planning a wedding would be so difficult." Jean continued.
"It's like riding a pogo-stick in a minefield." Scott cut in again. "BOOM! Boing! BOOM! Boing!"
Realising that the evidence would easily speak for itself, Jean projected a memory into their audience's minds…
{Flashback}
A month ago…
Jean was sat in the living room at the Boarding House, flipping through a Bridal magazine. She had decided that, since Wanda was going to be one of her bridesmaids, that it was easier to hold the dress-fittings there. Lucie and Tabby had been managed to get Lance, Pietro, Fred and Todd out of the house and she was just waiting for her three bridesmaids to emerge from the adjourning room. Sighing, she dropped the magazine next to her. "Come on, girls! What's taking you so long? Come on, come on, come on, come on!"
Rogue and Wanda stalked out, wearing pink, frilly dresses. Simultaneously, they stopped in front of her, waiting for her judgement.
Jean choked back tears. "Those…are…the most beautiful dresses…I have ever seen!"
Wanda paled. "Oh no."
Rogue gave her a warning look. "Jean, don't you think that maybe you're a little too emotional to make the right decision about this?"
"Those are the most beautiful dresses…"
"Okay." Rogue cut her off. "Alright. Okay."
"Where's Kitty?" Jean asked. "I wanna see how beautiful she looks."
With a smirk, Wanda raised her eyes. "Hey, Kitty! Come on out! Share the joy!"
Kitty took her cue to flounce into the room and glare at Jean. "What are you: psycho?"
"Kitty, you look so beautiful!" Jean protested.
"We look like clowns!" Kitty corrected.
"Beautiful clowns!" Rogue added, trying to salvage the situation.
"Cirque du soleil clowns." Wanda put in.
Kitty turned to face them. "No, horn-honking, big-shoe-wearing clowns!"
"Honey…" Wanda began.
"Shut up." Kitty warned her, turning to Jean again. "I ain't wearing it."
"Okay." Jean's voice echoed in their minds as she picked up a parasol and opened it. "So there was a little controversy over the bridesmaids' dresses. But I really thought that, if I aired my opinion, everyone would understand."
Jean twirled the parasol a few times in front of her, before closing it abruptly. "See? They come with parasols!" She picked up two more and handed one to each of the three girls. "And the best part is that, after this wedding, you girls are obviously gonna want to wear these dresses over and over again!"
As Wanda and Rogue exchanged a panicked look over her head, Kitty looked down at her dress and decided that enough was enough. Wriggling out of the dress so she was standing in the under-petticoat, she began hitting it with her parasol. "ARGH! Die, dress! Die! Die! Die!"
Wanda and Rogue grabbed her arms to restrain her. "It's okay, honey; it's dead." Wanda soothed. "It's dead."
"It can't hurt you anymore." Rogue released her hold and stepped over the dress to put an arm around Jean's shoulders. "Sugar, how you doing? Good? You good? Now, about these lovely, lovely dresses…" She paused, wondering how to handle it.
Wanda came to her rescue. "Maybe it's possible…"
"…that we are not…" Rogue continued.
"…lovely enough…" Wanda suggested.
"…for them." Rogue finished.
"Cut the crap." Jean told them, crossing her arms. "At least Kitty was honest." She kicked the discarded dress aside. "If you can't put on these dresses and get caught up in the magic of my Southern Belle wedding, then…who needs y'all?"
Kitty rolled her eyes. "You're from Philadelphia, stupid!"
{End flashback}
As the memory ended, Scott turned to his fiancé. "A Southern Belle wedding? When did we decide on that?"
Jean gave him a tired look. "Every wedding has to have a theme, Scott."
Scott shrugged. "For what reason, my darling?"
"Because it does." Jean told him.
"For what reason, my darling?" Scott repeated.
Jean smiled. "I want ours to be Gone with the Wind."
"Well, frankly, my dear," Scott paused, "that's not the theme I want."
Jean rolled her eyes. "Do you see what I'm dealing with here? Plus we have a guest list of 170."
"And a hall that seats 80." Scott put in.
"But we're not panicking because we know that a lot of people won't show." Jean told them.
"And many of the old people have shrunk." Scott finished. Ignoring Jean's incredulous expression, he sniffed. "I miss Grandpa Pappy."
"We all do, honey." Jean soothed, rolling her eyes again.
"No one should die in prison!" Scott stated firmly. He took a deep breath. "But it didn't finish with the dresses."
"No, things got a lot more difficult." Jean agreed.
"Because the next thing I had to do was pick a best man." Scott explained. "Now obviously, the choice came down to either my brother or my best friend…"
{Flashback}
A few days after the dress fitting…
Kurt was leafing through some papers in the rec room, waiting for Scott to finish talking to Abby on the phone. When his best friend finally hung up, Kurt stood up. "Scott, I know you're under a lot of pressure with the whole 'best man' thing."
"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that." Scott admitted.
"I think you should pick Alex." Kurt told him. "It's the right thing to do."
{End flashback}
"My best friend!" Scott protested as Jean stopped the memory. "My absolute best friend, who I love…"
"We get it." Jean told him. "Get on with it."
"My point is…" Scott shook his head. "He's the greatest guy there is!"
{Flashback}
A few days after the dress fitting…
"You're the greatest guy there is!" Scott told him.
"Hey, I understand completely." Kurt dropped the papers onto the coffee table. "Alex is family. He's blood. He's your brother! No bond is more sacred."
Scott sat down next to him and took a deep breath. "You know he's gonna drop the rings down the minister's pants."
Kurt nodded. "And dive in after them."
"With both hands." Scott continued. "Causing the minister to freak…"
"And cough." Kurt put in.
"And cough." Scott agreed. "And knock over the candles, setting the entire church on fire."
"And here come the fire brigade with their hoses and axes." Kurt said breezily. "Chopping up everything in sight. And Jean's gonna blame…"
"Me!" Scott finished. "Kurt, give me one good reason why I should pick Alex as the best man!"
A little later…
"Because I'm bigger than he is and stronger than he is." Alex told him.
Scott shrugged, looking bewildered. "So?"
"So?" Alex repeated. "So? So don't you want someone big and strong to lift you up for the traditional 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' dance?"
"I've never actually heard of the 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' dance." Scott admitted.
"Oh here, I'll show you!"
"No, Alex! Alex, no!"
Ignoring Scott's protests, Alex threw him over his shoulder and danced up and down. "For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow!"
As he did so, Scott's shades slipped slightly; he closed his eyes quickly, but not before a small blast had hit the curtains, causing them to burst into flames.
As the smoke alarm went off, Scott fixed his shades. "Oh, God. Alex, look what you did!"
Alex put Scott down and turned to survey the damage. "The curtains are on fire! The curtains are on fire!"
Crashes started outside, as Bobby threw himself against the door to knock it down.
"They're knocking down the door now! They're knocking down the door now!" Alex added a little dance as the wood buckled in.
"My brother is a moron!" Scott added, in exasperation, as Amara and John ran past Bobby, who was rubbing his shoulder, and began putting the fire out.
"Which nobody can deny!" Alex finished cheerfully.
{End flashback}
"And that's why Kurt's my best man! And Kurt's my best man and I don't want to hear anything from anyone!" Scott took a deep breath. "You talk now; I got a rip here in my pancreas!"
Jean put an arm around him. "He's always so tense – I don't know why that is!"
Scott looked at her sideways. "No, but you know where the shoe department is!" He sighed. "So, anyway, I've got my best man and I'm very happy."
"I'm not." Jean admitted.
"Yes, but I am." Scott grinned.
Jean sighed. "I mean, I know it was supposed to be an honour and everything, but…come on."
{Flashback}
A few weeks ago…
Abby was sitting in Jean's room, flipping through a bridal magazine. Kitty was sat next to her, still wearing her hated bridesmaid dress. Sighing, Abi dropped the magazine onto the couch. "Come on, what's taking you so long? Come on! Come on!"
Jean stalked out of her ensuite bathroom, in an off-white wedding dress that would have been more at home in a time-capsule.
Abby gasped tearfully. "Look at that! My wedding dress fits you perfectly!"
Jean glanced at Kitty, who was smirking at her.
{End flashback}
"I don't want to offend anyone." Jean told them. "And my family's feelings are the most important thing to me. But if she thought that I was getting married in that freakin' monstrosity, she must've been hitting the sauce!"
Scott raised an eyebrow at her. "…Very nice."
{Flashback}
A few weeks ago…
"I want you to know," Abby continued, "this dress has been in my family since the Civil War."
Jean attempted a strained smile. "Musty little devil, ain't it?"
Abby altered a few places on the dress. "Every woman in my family history who has worn this dress has had a long and healthy life. In fact, there is no more important possession that I own! So please do me the honour of being married in it." She kissed her future daughter-in-law's cheek.
"Oh…poo." Jean sighed.
Kitty got up. "That…is the most beautiful dress…I have ever seen!"
Abby beamed. "Aw, you're so happy for her that you're practically crying. That's so sweet!"
Kitty looked down at her dress, then cast an eye over Jean's. "Yep, I think she deserves that dress!"
Jean glared at her. "Bite me!"
{End flashback}
"I don't know." Jean sighed. "I just lashed out. It was as if I was suddenly possessed by your Nana West."
"Nana West!" Scott cried. "I miss you!" He paused. "Is Nana West dead?"
"No." Jean told him.
"Oh." Scott cleared his throat. "And so it was at this point in the chaos in our wedding that we finally decided to regain control and call in…" They leaned forward dramatically. "…a professional."
{Flashback}
A week ago…
Jean and Scott stood either side of the beaming wedding-planner, feeling as though they may have made a terrible mistake.
"When Alicia Haberfolde plans your wedding, Alicia Haberfolde is there for you." Alicia trilled happily, gently, but firmly, propelling them into the hall they'd chosen for the reception. "From guest list to guest last," she giggled, "from first dance to grand finale, there is no detail too small for Alicia Haberfolde."
"We've heard wonderful things about you Miss Haberfolde." Jean said with a smile.
Alicia smiled. "Oh, call me Alicia Haberfolde."
Abby and Alex Sr. – Scott's father – ran in. "Hi, sorry we're late." Abby apologised.
"I hope we didn't miss any of the planning." Alex Sr. added. "Then again, you can't be too far in, because my wallet doesn't feel any lighter!" He joked.
Alicia smiled. "Alright, well, that's enough. Now, about the guest list, I understand this hall seats 80, but I can't possibly fit more that 75 in with the theme our bride has in mind."
Jean raised her hand. "But we invited 170."
Alicia let out a small laugh. "I understand that the father of the groom has agreed to pay for the beverages and the music and, with the budget you have allowed me, I have assembled your musical…" She paused, searching for the right word. "…choices over there."
Jean and Scott looked over to where she was pointing and tried not to cry.
'They look like she's just dragged a bunch of buskers off the street.' Jean sent telepathically.
'Knowing Dad's tight fist, she may well have done.' Scott replied. "So is business a little slow, boys?"
Everyone nodded. "Yeah."
"Don't worry, Scott." Alex Sr. consoled. "I've got you covered." He raised his voice slightly. "Eh oh! Come on in!"
The strains of a trumpet playing jazz reached their ears, and in came Mr. Max Delaney, their former teacher and Jean's former next door neighbour.
He finished his extract. "Oh yeah!"
The couple stood in shock with frozen smiles on their faces.
{End flashback}
"Do you have any idea how hard it is…" Scott began, with a frozen grin.
"…to keep a smile on your face…" Jean continued, with an identical expression.
"…under these circumstances?" Scott finished.
{Flashback}
A week ago…
"Isn't it wonderful, Scott?" Alex Sr. asked. "Max and his jazz group have agreed to be the band at your reception…for free!"
Mr. Delaney smiled. "Consider it my present to the bride and groom."
Scott sighed, his face still frozen in a smile. "A blender would have been just lovely."
Beside him, Jean nodded.
Alex Sr. grinned. "Now, I just have to figure out how to water down the drinks and I can get out of this whole thing for about 70 bucks!"
Meanwhile, Alicia was sauntering over to Mr. Delaney. "Maxie! Maxie Delaney, is that you?"
He raised his eyes to heaven. "Oh please, no!"
"Maxie, it's me! Alicia! Haberfolde! Alicia Haberfolde!" She continued.
Mr. Delaney took a deep breath and turned with a smile. "Alicia!"
"Haberfolde!"
Mr. Delaney paused. "You know, I was gonna call. I was. But I moved. Out of state. Mission for the government. Espionage. All very 'hush hush'." Keeping his mouth as still as possible, he made a sound that sounded like a cell phone ringing. Raising his watch to his mouth, he spoke into it. "What have you got for me, Chief?" He pretended to listen intently. "North Korea. Darn it. I'll be right there!" He sprinted from the room.
Alicia turned looking puzzled. "You know, they all do that! Every stinking one of them! But I plough on!"
Lance strolled into the hall and threw a glance over his shoulder. "Guys, Delaney just jumped over a wall and landed in the pool."
Alicia walked over to him. "And who is this person? I'm Alicia Haberfolde."
Lance nodded. "Yeah, that's the name he was screaming." He turned to Scott and Jean. "What's going on?"
Scott shook his head, ignoring his rivalry for the time being. "We're overbooked by, like, a thousand, Dad's trying to save money by using Delaney as the band and Jean's left eye is beginning to twitch"
Jean gasped. "It is not!" She turned her head to hide the truth.
Lance grinned. "Well, sis, have I got a surprise for you!"
Jean shook her head and paled. "Please! No!"
Lance ignored her. "Ladies! Front and centre! Come on!"
Wanda, Rogue and Kitty entered the room in their bridesmaid's dresses, with identical fixed smiles on their faces.
"Huh? Huh? What do you think?" Lance asked. "Alright, who wants to go first?"
Wanda stepped forwards. "I totally love my bridesmaid's dress. I totally love my bridesmaid's dress."
She stepped back and Rogue took her place. "I feel like a delicate Georgia peach in this dress and I'm thrilled to wear it! Thank you!" She curtsied and stepped back.
Then Kitty stepped forward. "I was very selfish and inconsiderate earlier. This is your wedding and I'm gonna tell you the truth." She glanced at Lance who nodded encouragingly, before turning back to Jean. "Your friends are freakin' liars, Lance paid 'em 50 bucks each, and I wouldn't use this dress to wipe my…"
Lance grabbed her and pulled her from the room.
{End flashback}
"So I'm afraid that all of our horrible experiences have brought us here." Jean concluded.
"We knew that planning a wedding was gonna be difficult." Scott said. "But I don't think any of us are gonna survive this engagement."
"There's no way we'll make it until June. There's just no way. I'll do something very bad to Alex. I will!" Jean warned.
"Honey…" Scott started.
"I know; I'm twitching! Back off!" Jean took a deep breath. "Please. We're asking you to understand. This wedding is the most important day of our lives."
"But you people have turned this sacred beautiful event into a freak show." Scott added.
"We all mean well." Jean continued. "But none of us are gonna survive a three month engagement."
They took a deep breath and looked at each other.
"We wanna get married next week." Scott said. "No wedding hall, no fancy planner. Just our friends and family right here, eight o'clock."
"One question." A voice asked.
The lights came up and Scott and Jean turned to Wanda. "Yes?"
Wanda sighed. "Do we still have to wear these freakin' dresses?"
AN: Review please!