It's 12.48am, on a thursday night, when I should be sleeping... However, I'm feeling very melancholy, and had to write this.

It is NOT a suicide fic, unlike my other one ...

Let's just pretend that Sam's dad is still living with them, just not mentioned.

I don't own iCarly, but I do own Kyle :P

Sam POV:

Dear Everyone,

I have found the need tonight to write an apology. I know I disappoint everyone with every action I take, because of the person I have found... I know because I've seen the looks I'm given, I know what they mean. I know because I feel the tension and displeasure that fills the room every time I mention his name...

Mom, I'm sorry I have kept you up countless nights because of the anxiety I cause you. I'm sorry that the rough patch that he and I had spilled out into the family, I'm sorry you had to, and still do, deal with the mess I've caused. I'm so sorry that he has an influence on me; but so do many people I know, I'm just like a sponge with people and personalities. I even pick it up from TV and movies and songs, so I'm not sure why it's so bad that he has an influence. I even know that I have one over him, but no one's made a comment about that...

Carls, I'm sorry that you cried when Kyle and I broke up... So did I, but I'm not sure you knew that. I didn't eat for 24 hours straight after that. Funny that you and Mel commented that I was looking slimmer just after that. That's why I don't eat much anymore. I'm not trying to do it; I just don't think I deserve it. He makes me realise that I actually do, that I deserve to be happy, healthy and loved.

Mel, I'm sorry that you lost touch with a friend because of my break-up... It's just that I started seeing Kyle as more of a brother and good friend than a boyfriend, which isn't the greatest thing to be thinking of a boyfriend, is it? Don't get me wrong, I loved Kyle, but it changed. I miss him too, Sis, I do...

I'm sorry that I've made everyone feel awkward around me, I'm sorry that everyone feels that I've changed. I have, I know. I'm trying to change back into who I was, but it's going to take some time. I'm so, so sorry that I keep saying sorry. I don't know why I'm doing it; even he is worried that I do it, Carly, so please don't blame him.

I'm messed up in the head because of what's happened to me over the last 9 months or so; but it's entirely my fault. I didn't handle things properly, I went about things the wrong way, and I lied. That's probably what I regret the most. That and the pain I've caused everyone by doing this.

I just ask that no one blame him. He didn't push me into breaking up with Kyle, he really didn't. He was, essentially, the bystander in this, not the accomplice.

I just want things to be happy and normal again, but I know that it won't be as long as I'm with him, because I've made it awkward enough that you don't feel right around him, or me, for that matter, no matter how much either of us try to please.

I used to be so happy and carefree, and nothing seemed to hurt me. Then the last 9 months happened, and all I seem to do are cause dilemmas that I need to solve, but can't, and, God, that stresses me. I don't want to stress about whether or not I should talk about my day, because I happened to see him... I want to be like you, Carls. How do you do it? I want to be in control of my life, and to be accepted for who I am and who I'm with, within the family, with you and Spence.

I want you to know that we've sorted things out, so it doesn't need to be awkward anymore, but I know that, sadly, it will be. If I could go back in time and change it, you know I'd do it right, so that none of this happened like this, that it'd end right; but I can't do that. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got; and I've got him, which makes me incredibly happy... I guess that's not enough though...

I just want people to be proud of me, happy for me... I don't want fake smiles with disappointed eyes anymore, but that's all I see these days... Why do you think I've started riding a motorbike? It's to distract myself from the dissatisfaction that I cause. I don't actually care if I get hurt, because I deserve it for hurting all of you, but no one will understand that. You know, he doesn't like it that I think of that, he hates me being hurt in any way. He's even tried talk me out of it several times, but I want to keep going... I love any form of distraction, and this gets me fit too, which is what you want, isn't it, Mom?

I want so many things, but I don't deserve any of it, not after what I've done to you all... I just hope someone might just take pity on me, and help me change things for the better... I love you all so much, you're all such a big part of my life... But so is he, and he loves me so, so much, I love him with my whole heart, and he's a large part of my life too... I guess that's why it hurts so much... I can't seem to do anything right... I'm sorry...