Dean paced back and forth across the kitchen, his third finger of bourbon swishing around the bottom of his glass. Cas caught them. He fucking caught them right in the middle of Dean fucking his baby brother in the bed he shared with Cas every fucking night. Sam had been right, it was too risky to squeeze in some time on Christmas Eve. Goddammit.
Sam had given him a quick kiss before getting the hell out of dodge. He'd fucked things up again. Sam was probably packing, giving any reason he could find why he had to leave Madison, even if it meant going the dick route and saying she just wasn't enough anymore. That part was true though, no one was ever enough as long as Dean was around.
There was no doubt in Dean's mind that he loved Cas. Loved him almost as much as he loved Sam, actually. Losing him would kill part of who he was. The moment he met Cas he couldn't hide from him. Those pretty blue eyes just picked him apart, found all his insecurities because of his dad and accepted him despite it. More than once he wondered if he and Cas were just... made for each other. As fucking cliché as it was, the guy was perfect. Just like Sammy. The two of them made him feel complete, alive. Now half of it was just gone.
More than that, he and Sam would have to leave.
He wasn't stupid, there was no way Cas wasn't going to tell someone. They'd been through this before with Lisa and now there was an entire section of Indiana they could never show their faces in again. It was a damn shame, aside from all the drama and the stupid bullshit with other people, he was really going to miss the pie Cas brought home from his sister's bakery.
The front door opened and closed and Dean stopped, heart hammering painfully. He downed the last bit of alcohol and set the glass on the counter. Cas came in looked at him, snow melting and making his hair damp. Dean swallowed roughly and tried not to fidget.
Cas gestured to the table. "We should talk."
Dean nodded and stepped by him, not making eye contact as he turned one of the chairs around and sat astride the back. He didn't need to see the fucking judgment from someone he loved. Cas sat across from him and sighed heavily, his hands clasped together on the table.
"I feel like I should have known earlier." Dean's head shot up. That wasn't anything like the reaction he'd expected. Cas laughed hollowly and shook his head. "I of all people should have seen it." Dean remained silent as the other man stared out the window to the snow falling on the ground. "I'm going to tell you about my life, Dean and I want you to know that I'm sorry for lying before."
Cas kept eye contact for almost ten seconds before walking over to the counter and grabbing the bottle Dean had discarded. He grabbed the glass and took it back with him, filling it half way and downing the whole thing before just staring at the small bit leftover in the bottom.
"Luc always loved bourbon." A wry smile curled his lips. "When Lucifer and I were very young we had a tree house. We loved it. Michael wasn't one for heights and Anna was too little to climb. But he and I spent almost everyday in the summer holed up in it, picking mulberries out of the adjacent tree." He poured two fingers and drank one, sliding the glass over for Dean to finish. "When I was seven and Luc ten we were up there just talking, it was just like any other day. Sometime shortly after lunch, Lucifer told me he'd seen our father kissing a woman the night before. She wore all kinds of make up and had a very short skirt. At the time neither of us knew what a prostitute was, but Luc had been curious about kissing."
Dean kept quiet, setting the glass back in front of Cas. There were shadows in his eyes, memories he hadn't dredged up for years in all likelihood.
"He pulled me over and kissed me right on the lips, cupped my face gently. I remember just laughing and kissing him back. We didn't know any better and it was nice. Just another way to express how much we loved each other, or so we thought." There was a long pause punctuated by Cas drinking another half glass. "Then our father came out looking for us. We hadn't heard him calling and when he saw us he shouted, dragged Luc out by the hair and me out by the ankle. He sprained it dragging me in, gave me a concussion on the back steps." He took a deep breath and looked at a burn scar on the side of his wrist.
"Once he'd dragged us in he grabbed a lighter and ripped Luc's shirt off." Tears were glistening in his eyes, his voice shaking. Dean could already see where this was going, anger and disgust building low in his stomach. "He lit it and forced Luc to bend over the table, scorching his shoulder blades so badly he laid on his stomach for weeks in bed after. Then he grabbed my wrist and lit the outside, here." He held up his right hand and pointed to the gnarled scar tissue. His hand hit the table heavily, his next drink taken directly out of the bottle. "He told us that if he ever caught us doing that 'sick faggy shit' again he'd take the lighter to our cocks." Tears fell out of Cas' eyes, the lids screwed shut tightly as they were willed away with shaky breaths.
Dean slid his hand forward and gently laid it over Cas', still silent as he let the story continue. Cas gave him a grateful smile and plowed on. "I told people I burnt myself on our stove, Luc told people he'd fallen and that was why his back was tender. We didn't kiss again until I was fourteen." His hand turned over under Dean's, their fingers curling and locking like a clasp. "It was during spring break. Our father was away, he'd said business but he came back smelling like cheap liquor and cheaper women. Michael had spent a good portion of the time out with friends. None of us really liked that house." Teeth raked over his lower lip thoughtfully.
"We were in the tree house again, though it was considerably harder to fit inside as teenagers." They both chuckled softly and Dean squeezed his hand reassuringly. He could barely imagine a young Cas trying to fit into a tiny space in a thick tangle of tree branches. "I don't even remember how it happened, really, but I ended up on top of Luc. That part was an accident, but then he kissed me. I was terrified, I tried to get away from him. All I could think about was what dad had said. He promised me dad wouldn't find out, dad wasn't home, Michael wasn't home, Anna was off somewhere else and she loved us both too much to say anything. So we stayed out there." The tone of Cas' voice dropped, became quieter. "I remember just," he laughed and rubbed his eyes with his free hand, "dry humping him, for lack of a better term. We spent the rest of the time during break sneaking around at night so we wouldn't get caught."
They both pulled their hands back, Cas tracing the edge of the scar before pouring another couple fingers, again downing half and handing it to Dean. "It lasted for two years, then we ran away. I easily passed for eighteen, Luc was nineteen and much to our mutual surprise Mike was the one who set up our backgrounds and IDs. He said he was sorry he didn't do better to protect us, that getting us out was all he could do. At the time he was working for custody of Anna and having us run away would make his case stronger." Dean downed the bourbon quickly and set the glass down between them, enough alcohol having been poured for the moment. "For four years we carried on, completely off our father's radar. No one else found us, either. We could have gone on the rest of our lives." Dean knew the but was coming, could feel the impending sadness radiating off of Cas like the liquor on his breath. "Luc was mugged downtown of where we lived. He was reaching for his wallet to hand it over to them, four gang members for one man," he shook his head and grit his teeth, anger and sorrow mixing, "and they thought he was reaching for a gun. So they shot him and took the forty dollars in his wallet."
The tears Cas had willed away came back, his head falling into his hands as he tried to breathe and calm himself down. He failed, sobs wracking his shoulders. Dean stood and went to him, kneeling next to him with a hand on his knee. There wasn't anything he could think to say that seemed appropriate. If Sam died Dean would never recover, would never be able to be intimate with someone again. Yet there Cas was, the love of his life killed in a back alley and he could still open himself up for Dean. Could still trust at all.
Cas sat there for almost five minutes crying, pulling at his own hair and shaking. The tile made Dean's knees ache so he stood and pulled Cas up with him. They walked to the bedroom in silence, stripping down to their boxers and falling into bed. Neither of them were tired enough to sleep, just too drained to do anything other than lay down. Their bodies tangled under the blankets, Cas burrowing into his chest. Less than an hour before Dean thought half his world was falling to shambles, but now he was holding that half in bed, the trust and love deeper than it ever had been in the three years prior.
Almost two hours passed before they succumbed to the sweet pull of the softness and warmth of the bed.
The morning sun was bright across Dean's eyes and when he looked over he found Cas watching him, just like every other morning. He smiled and stared at the ceiling, their conversation from the night before still fresh in his mind. "After my mom died dad moved us around a lot. Every night I'd crawl into Sam's crib and curl up around him. I don't know why, but I didn't get nightmares about mom when I did. We went from hotel room to hotel room, dad keeping us in the wind as much as possible. He drank so damn much I'm surprised we made it to any of the motels at all. Then he'd be gone for days at a time, just leaving us to ourselves. I don't know what the hell he did when he left."
He'd never shared this part of his life with anyone. There was no need to with Sam, his little brother had been there to experience it. Just as he'd been silent at the dinner table, Cas kept quiet, curled in close to his side as he traced the tattoo on Dean's chest. "Sammy's first word was my name. I don't even think dad noticed." His eyes slipped shut and he took a long breath, letting Cas' fingers on his skin provide a lifeline as he poured everything out into the open. It was the least he owed after what Cas did, what he was offering. "When we got old enough that I could keep watch over Sam without needin' a sitter myself the hotels were pretty much all we saw. Every time he went out he just muttered watch out for Sammy and left me to it. I didn't even mind that much, y'know? He was my little brother, dad didn't even have to tell me I just knew. It was my job, look after my snot nosed little brother."
Cas huffed a small chuckle, his smile warm on Dean's shoulder. "First time anything happened Sammy was twelve. Dad had started teaching us some of the marine CQC and he let me train Sam whenever he wasn't around. One day Sam flipped me over onto my back and went down after me, baring his arm across my chest, tryin' to keep me pinned. I just stopped. It was so fucked up. I just felt like kissing him. God it was messed up, I knew that, I knew it was fuckin' wrong. But I just..." He trailed off and shook his head, scrubbing a hand over his face.
Lips pressed into the hinge of his jaw, gentle and patient. Cas was still just letting him talk, waiting for everything to be aired. His arm tightened around the smaller man, drawing him nearer until he was half laying on Dean. "It just wouldn't stop after that. I really wished it would. Felt like Sammy'd see what a freak I was and tell dad, that he'd beat me or worse." Dean licked his lips and sighed again. "He didn't though. When he turned fifteen he crawled into my bed after dad left one morning and fucking grabbed me. Thought I was having a wet-dream, then I woke up and my little brother was licking my come off his hand. Man I felt like I was gonna fucking die." Dean laughed and groaned, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand.
Cas kissed him and crawled fully onto him. Staring down at him with a soft smile, cock pushing against Dean's hip. His own had already been half-hard and started to fill completely with his boyfriend on top of him. "Never stopped after that. Any time we could, even if dad was in the next room or just out to the store. Couldn't keep my hands off him, he was a fuckin' tease, too. Knew what he did to me."
The last remark wasn't just about Sam and Cas knew it, their mouths meeting as their hips began to flex and grind. Their stomachs were empty, growling almost as loudly as they were. Alcohol and morning breath had both of their mouths fouled, but they couldn't bring themselves to care. Hands roamed all over, pulling and groping desperately. It was the frenzy of two men finally finding peace and freedom in each other.
Dean's hands grabbed at Cas' ass, pulling him into every thrust up. He felt like a damn teenager, dry humping in bed when they had more than enough supplies to do something more involved. But that could wait. Cas was sighing and giving breathy little moans right into his mouth. Their lips were curved into mirrored smiles, Cas' hands hot on his chest and shoulders as he held on. Dean's fingers moved to the middle of his ass, dipping in and playing with his hole through the fabric of his boxers. Cas bit his lip and rested his forehead on Dean's.
It was ridiculous, they were grown men in their thirties, both very experienced and yet they were both getting close way too soon. Dean just laughed and gasped, bucking up roughly when he found a nice area of Cas' skin to rut against. Cas dipped down to kiss around his ear, teeth gently nipping at his earlobe. As if Dean wasn't close enough, Cas put his lips right on the shell of the ear he'd been lavishing and spoke lowly. "Perhaps you should invite Sam over one of these nights."
Dean's entire world stopped, he crushed Cas to him as his back arched and his eyes slammed shut. An almost pained moan rattled out of his throat, both his and Cas' boxers dampened as he released. A smug chuckle wormed its way into his head despite the lazy euphoria pouring through his system. Cas pushed himself up on one arm and pulled himself free of his boxers, hand moving quickly to bring himself off. His hips were giving these sweet little stilted pushes into the grip of his hand and Dean couldn't resist getting some payback. "Maybe, didn't think you'd want to be shared like a whore, Cas."
Cas swore under his breath and came across Dean's stomach, eyes rolling into the back of his as his jaw went slack. He collapsed heavily onto the man lying under him and Dean laughed, beyond used to this sort of behavior. Dean rolled them onto their sides and trailed a lazy hand up and down Cas' flank. The other man smiled to him lovingly and pulled him in for another kiss.
When it broke they both just looked at each other, taking in the same old details with new perspective. Of course, Dean being Dean, he couldn't leave well enough alone. "Now, I love you and all, but your breath is rank, we should shower."
Cas rolled his eyes and shook his head, stumbling out of bed toward their bathroom in the back wall. Dean watched him move for a few paces before getting up and following.
His entire life he never thought he'd meet someone who understood the relationship he had with Sam. Really, though, all it took was another brother.