He felt as if nothing in this damned world meant anything anymore.
It was all an illusion, he figured. And illusion for the weak, that made him believe that he would eventually find some solace and accomplishment in his life, and he was starting to believe that.
That maybe, he could be different.
It was a poisonous thought, he knew it very well, but that was all he could think about right now.
Komachi was dead.
A drunk driver. A fucking drunk driver.
She went out with her boyfriend as they were just celebrating their first anniversary.
He remembered clearly how his heart stopped last night when he was awoken by the ringing of his phone.
''They're dead Hikigaya… I'm at the hospital right now. They're fucking dead!'' screamed Kawasaki Saki over the phone, her voice full of anguish. She was dear to him, she trusted her, she was his friend, and she was falling into pieces as her heart was being smashed to the bone. And soon he would be, too.
Komachi…she was his dear little sister. She was the one who was always waiting for him at home after school, she was the one who always made the most delicious homemade meals one could ever ask for, and she was the one always there to comfort him every time he needed it.
And now she was gone, her life cruelly stolen from her for all eternity.
He broke down completely, probably for the first time in his life. He sobbed openly, screaming at the doctors and smashing the walls of the hospital hallway with all of his strength, so strongly that his hands were reduced to a bloody mess, with scars that would be there, a testament of his despair, for the next months.
Members of both families were also gathered at the little hallway, some conversing and others crying quietly, except for the parents, his included, who stood there holding each other.
But he couldn't take it, he couldn't stand it.
He ran, as fast as his feet could drag him, out of the hospital. The chilly breeze slammed against his face, along with a small drizzle that fell silently.
He rested against the side of his car, unable to think, unable to feel anything anymore. He was shredded, beaten and reduced into nothingness.
Then he heard it, and he realized.
A weak, almost inaudible sniffle, but he knew exactly who it belonged to.
He was so lost that he never realized she was beside him the whole time he spent at the hospital, never leaving him since he arrived.
He glanced at her, returning briefly to reality. She was trembling, looking down at him as he sat against the side of his car, with a gaze so lost that it felt as if she was looking right through him.
And he instantly remembered, too, that she had just lost her little brother. She loved Komachi, too, he was certain, as much as he learned to respect Taishi Kawasaki.
And now, they were both gone.
He didn't know what to do. What the hell was he supposed to do?
So he just kept looking. How hard he wished everything to be just a nightmare, and he'd wake up at any moment, screaming at the top of his lungs, before realizing everything was just part of a bad, tragic nightmare.
But it wasn't.
She fell to her knees and crashed into his chest, her face devoid of any emotion, as if she, too, had lost all ability to feel. The only signs of life she was emanating were her erratic breathing and the shaking of her body.
It was comforting, Hachiman thought. The feel of her body against him was somewhat calming, enough to keep him detached from the world.
The funerals were surreal.
Komachi's was first, while Taishi's was the next day.
Hachiman just stood there the entire time, staring at the closed coffin, as his sister's body had been so badly injured that it was just unbearable to see.
His eyes were lost, his expression was distant. His entire being felt wrong, as if everything that was happening was part of an evil scheme against his existence. He had already thrown up two times already, and he was already feeling the need of running to the bathroom to do so again. He felt dizzy, and he didn't even have the strength to cry. So he just let the silent tears fall.
But he wasn't alone, he knew that much. He could feel a cold sensation against his right hand as Kawasaki held it firmly, not losing her grip for even one second. Her gaze was also lost, and she didn't have the strength to cry either as she had already spent the entire night before sobbing at his apartment.
She went with him every time he ran to the bathroom to throw up, ignoring the stares and caressing his back as he did so, and cleaning him up, as he didn't have the will to do so.
He felt like he didn't deserve any of this though because he knew the next day was going to be the worst day of her life.
And it sure was.
By Taishi's funeral, she stood still as death, unmoving. Tears fell freely from her eyes, but just as the night on the hospital, she could not make a sound. She was shaking uncontrollably, and she clenched his hand so hard that he felt a sharp pain erupting as it was still bruised.
Not that he cared, though.
He was numb to the world, and the pain he was feeling made him remember that this was not a nightmare.
But he felt Saki actually believed with all her being that this was some sort of nightmare. She stood frozen, unmoving as if she was laughing like a maniac on her mind, just patiently waiting to wake up. She was there, but at the same time, she wasn't.
Hachiman wished the same were true for him.
By the burials, everything came crashing down.
The rain was torrential, so strong that it was almost impossible to not get soaked from the waist down, as the wind made the umbrellas partially useless.
By Komachi's, Hachiman could not feel detached anymore.
He felt despair; true, unnerving, raw despair, threatening to consume every part of his body at any moment.
He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to throw up, but he couldn't summon any strength to do anything.
He stood still, but his insides were convulsing, trashing and screaming.
It was so strong that he desperately tried to convince himself to calm down, to not make a scene, to not break down, not in front of his family, not in front of Kawasaki, who needed his strength at that moment more than anything.
She still held his hand, and she was also hugging his arm, silent tears falling from her face as her body shook slightly.
He wanted to run to her coffin as she was being put in place, and the dirt was being thrown at her. But Kawasaki held him in place. His mom was sobbing loudly, screaming profanities at the sky, not minding being soaked by the rain, as his father cried silently beside her.
They were both soaked to the bone, too, Hachiman noted. At some point he had dismissed the umbrella without realizing it, embracing the wetness openly.
By Taishi's burial, the weather was no different. It was as if mother nature knew the extent of what had happened.
But unlike Hachiman himself, Kawasaki indeed broke. It was as if her mind realized that this was actually real, that the nightmare never existed. She launched herself forward, wanting to throw herself into the coffin as it was being lowered. Hachiman had to intervene, holding her in place from behind as silent tears also ran down his face, masked by the rain. She eventually gave up and proceeded to let out the most heartbreaking sobs he had ever heard. She fell to the floor, and Hachiman never released her. Instead, he tightened his hold, as he started to cry, too. He buried his face against the side of her neck, not wanting to be seen.
It was gloomily beautiful, the weather. The torrential rain falling all over the place, along with a light fog, it all reflected their pain.
But it wasn't like neither of them was aware of that.
A week had passed.
He knew it wasn't going to get better, at least for now. Everything had its time, but never before in his life had he felt such hatred for that fact.
He received some calls from his former club mates. Hiratsuka-sensei called, too. He felt obligated to respond curtly, to accept the condolences calmly, even if he was breaking inside with every second that passed.
He was lying in his bed. He didn't know the time, as his curtains were closed from the outside, not letting a single bit of sunlight to get into his room. He stared at the darkness, unmoving, expressionless.
He denied any form of help.
It never worked anyway.
He woke up from his bed and went to his kitchen. Opening the fridge, he grabbed his seventh bottle of beer in the last two hours, opening it easily and instantly pouring its contents into his system. He was never fond of drinking, until now. The pure but temporarily feel of ecstasy he felt while doing so made him feel livelier, and made all the hangovers worth it.
He was starting to feel it again, what his body craved the most, and always begged for more.
Suddenly, he heard banging sound coming from his door.
Irritated, he opened it, ready to punch whatever had the audacity to bother him.
But there she was, looking at him, with the same lost expression he was starting to grow used to.
Instantly, he felt bad, screw it, he already felt terrible, but now he felt worse.
Her hair was a mess; her eyes were still distant and lifeless, along with a new set of bangs below them.
''Saki…''
''You… you weren't picking up the phone.''
''Oh…''
He moved aside, letting her in.
She glanced around lazily.
Her gaze fell on my hand.
''Got another one of those?'' she asked, but it wasn't a question, since he knew she'll be taking one no matter what he said.
''At the fridge.''
Without saying anything else, she took not one, but two bottles.
It was so ironic it made him want to laugh.
To do stupid things when consumed by despair was for the weak, he proclaimed back then. One had to suck it up, accept it, and grow stronger because of it. One had to keep quiet the whole time, because no one really cared about hearing his sob story. Yet, as tragedy came over him, he immediately began to do such stupid things, contradicting everything he stood for, thus reinforcing the idea that he was, indeed, a fake.
But it was addicting, and he couldn't stop. And having to choose between slamming his head against the wall continuously or drinking his guts out, the latter option seemed much more acceptable.
He sighed. Not that he gave a shit about anything right now.
He glanced at the girl.
''Do whatever you want. I'll be in my room.''
And there he left her, on the couch, as she drank.
He didn't have the strength to tell her to leave, he wasn't that heartless.
Going to his bathroom, he took a quick glance at his mirror.
His facial hair was long overdue for shaving, his shirt was dirty, and his eyes were half-closed and had big bangs under them. His hair was also long, dirty and messy.
He couldn't keep staring for long, as he feared that he would punch the damn mirror and break it.
He went back to his room, sitting on his bed.
He glanced at his bedside table.
There was a small picture resting atop of it. It was from three months ago. He, along with Komachi and both Kawasaki siblings, went to the amusement park, and his sister devised a plan to snap a picture with all of them before both Kawasaki and he could stop her.
She had a full-blown smile, almost making a victory pose as she took the picture.
As much as he wanted it, he couldn't get rid of that picture.
He could feel the tears coming, before he even had the chance to stop them.
He cried silently, holding the tiny frame into his chest.
''Fuck…''
His bedroom door opened, and he glanced up slowly.
Once again, her expression was the same, shifting a little as she saw his state. Then, her eyes moved to the object in his hands.
Slowly, she walked up to him, softly touching his hands and taking the picture from his grip.
She instantly recognized the picture, and she could feel her eyes begin to tear up.
She was sobbing before she knew it and promptly fell to the floor, unable to keep herself standing anymore.
Hachiman wanted to do something, anything. Touch her, hug her, caress her head, but he could not move a single finger.
He felt useless.
Hachiman had nightmares in the truest sense of the word. A vivid recollection of all the years when everything was alright and his sister was alive.
She would tease him, she would welcome him with a nice dinner, and she would constantly joke around him.
Then, everything was suddenly replaced with a vivid image of the car crash, as he stood before the scene of the accident. Their mangled bodies scattered across the pavement.
He'd wake up screaming, run to the bathroom and throw up. It happened at least three times every week.
Tonight was no different.
As he cleaned himself up, he went to his kitchen to fix himself a glass of water, trying to calm his nerves.
It was raining a lot tonight, and one could hear the rain droplets softly crashing against the windows.
It was a calming sound, to say the least.
He silently went back to his bedroom, glass in hand.
As he looked at his bed, he could feel a strong sense of guilt coming from his insides.
Saki's nightmares were most likely worse than his, and he didn't want to imagine what kind of images and sounds the poor girl had to endure in her sleep. It had become so bad that she pleaded him to let her sleep at his side, as she was just too terrified to sleep alone.
But it wasn't like she slept a lot, as he could note that she constantly dozed in and out in her sleep and sometimes she didn't sleep at all.
He wished he could do something. But again, what the hell was he supposed to do in the state he was in?
So he just sat down, drank the rest of the water and lied down.
He saw wet streaks of tears going down her face as she cried in her sleep.
Shakily, he put his hand at the top of her head, softly caressing her hair.
She shifted, waking up slowly. The motion of her eyes opening made a new pair of tears fall down her cheeks.
He tried to smile down at her, but he couldn't do anything.
''You were crying in your sleep,'' he proclaimed, stopping his movements but keeping his hand atop of her head.
She made no move of protest, so he interpreted that as a good sign.
''Did I wake you up?'' she mumbled.
''No. I was already awake.''
He didn't want her to know that he was actually woken up by that horrible nightmare.
''…I-''
''Stop it, Saki. You don't have to tell me, it's better if you don't force yourself to remember it.''
''Hachiman…''
He sighed. He sadly glanced at the ceiling of his bedroom.
''Just try to don't think about anything right now. We need to sleep. The more you force yourself to remember, the faster you'll fall into despair.''
A small noise was the answer she gave him.
After a few moments, however, Hachiman was taken off-guard when Saki positioned herself on top of him, wrapping her arms around his body and resting her head on the same pillow.
It was as if she wanted both of them to be as physically close as possible.
He wanted to protest at first, but the feeling of being held so close was so comforting that he just responded by wrapping his own arms against around her, putting the covers around them and then resting his hands on her back.
He could feel her body shaking.
He didn't feel much different from her right now.
He started to caress her back, while she brought one of her hands to his head and played with his hair.
They both knew no one else could truly understand the pain they shared.
It was a vicious circle.
Sometimes, he could feel he was getting better, that finally, he could feel at least a little glimpse of his normal life coming back.
But it never lasted long.
There was still a long, long way to go.
That's how today went.
He woke up fairly okay. He didn't have a nightmare that night, and he slept for a solid five hours.
He went for a walk, stopped at a coffee shop, and had a nice, warm drink.
He returned to his home, feeling refreshed. He was by no means completely fine, but he wasn't constantly sulking.
He did some editing for the company he worked for on his computer, and spend two hours watching whatever pooped up on the TV after.
He was getting ready to sleep, hoping that like last night, he could at least sleep decently. As he was brushing his teeth, he received a call.
He finished, wondering if it was Kawasaki calling.
She was also doing a little better recently, and she didn't sleep at his house as frequently as before.
He picked up his phone.
''Hikigaya-san.''
He recognized the voice. It belonged to someone he knew at the bar he frequented. They would meet there, once in a while before his world went to shit.
''Makoto-san,'' he said, confused. Why was he calling him?
''…Look, I know you aren't in the mood right now, but there's something interesting happening and I think they could use your help here.''
''…What?''
''It's a girl. She's drunk out of her ass.''
''And you call me just to tell me that?''
''I wasn't going to, Hikigaya-san. But she mentioned your name. That's how I knew she had to have some affiliation with you, and she's causing quite the ruckus here.''
His breath hitched.
There was only one girl he knew that also frequented that bar.
''Hikigaya-san. I really didn't want to bother you. I know you don't want to be bothered. But something told me that I had to call you because of this.''
''Makoto, don't let her out of your sight. I'm on my way.''
He took his jacket and went out as fast as he could.
I didn't take him long to reach the place. It was just a ten-minute drive.
He was worried. Screw that, he was panicking.
Saki never got drunk. Ever.
When he arrived at the place, he was met with a scene that he never thought he would see in his life.
It looked like things had calmed down at least for a while. He could see Makoto taking his drink peacefully at the bar table. He glanced to the left, and he saw her.
On the other side of the bar, she saw her, drunk and completely erratic, eagerly talking to a man he didn't recognize.
Making his way over there, the coughed, making himself known, and glancing menacingly at the man.
She glanced up at him, and it was as if her eyes were seeing stars.
''Hachiman! Siiiiiiiiiit! Are you here to join the partyyy?''
He almost couldn't believe the situation.
How had this happened?
He almost felt guilty himself.
She had said a little more than a week ago that she didn't need to sleep at his home anymore. He felt lonely when she left, but he knew that it was for the best, and he inwardly felt glad because he thought things were starting to get better.
But how wrong he was.
She probably left because she felt like she was bothering him. She knew he had a little sister to grieve, too, and that she was just being too much of a crybaby needed to be taken care of.
''Haaaachimaaaaaaan. Dooon't just staaand there! Come ooon! Drink!'' said Saki with an eager voice.
The man beside her smirked.
''Oh, come on Saki-chan. Behave for a little bit. You can save some of that eagerness for later,'' proclaimed the man, as Hachiman saw him smiling disgustingly.
His patience was wearing thin.
''What do you mean, later?'' spoke Hachiman for the first time since he arrived.
He was beyond pissed. But he did his best to control himself.
Saki was ignoring the exchange between the two, as she was too interested in emptying the glass on her hand to care anymore.
The bastard ignored him for a moment, too, and he signaled the bartender to come to their table.
''Bring another one for her. It's my treat.''
''Sir,'' said the bartender nervously, ''That's the seventh glass.''
''You think I care? You're here to serve and get your money, not to act like you care. Now, do your job.''
Hachiman was never fond of violence. But for some inner reason he could not comprehend, the felt intense, raw rage, and had a really strong desire to punch this man.
''I asked you a question.''
The man was at least six feet tall, and he was well built. But Hachiman was smarter, he knew that. And it wasn't as if he still was a useless weakling.
The man glanced at him with a mocking smile.
''Look, kiddo. I don't know if you have any relationship with this woman or whatnot. But she's with me tonight. So you better be on your merry way, this place is filled with bitches anyways.''
''And what makes think that I will, jackass? You think I'm idiotic enough to not realize that you're deliberately getting her drunk so you can get her on a hotel and fuck her all night?'' said Hachiman, not bothering to hide his anger anymore.
As this was happening, Saki was as ignorant as ever.
Something wasn't right, Hachiman knew it. She never got drunk that easily, and even if she did, he was certain that she'd be able to at least react in some way.
But her gaze was lost, completely out of the place.
And what the bastard said after confirmed his assumptions.
''Neh, she wasn't that easy. I ended up using some… sophisticated methods.''
Every little bit of sanity Hachiman could still have vanished into thin air.
''You….you fucking animal. You drugged her,'' Hachiman snarled.
The man stood abruptly and menacingly put himself in front of him, looking directly at his face.
He was half a head taller than him, but Hachiman didn't move an inch.
''And what if I did, little punk? What are you going to-''
He was promptly shut up as a clenched fist crashed into his eye, so strongly that he was thrown back to the floor and he crashed into a group of chairs.
He got up swiftly and charged back.
But just as Hachiman guessed, he was smarter, while the idiot was very predictable.
The man aimed at his face and Hachiman swiftly dodged. However, after missing, he brought his elbow back and landed a hit on him.
''Fuck,'' Hachiman muttered as he was thrown to the side, a sharp pain invading the right side of his face.
He also got up quickly, enough to barely dodge another punch, and retreated a few steps.
They glanced at each other.
Hachiman felt a strong wave of morbid satisfaction as he saw how well his first hit was aimed, as he could see a lot of blood on the side of the bastard's face, and he was very sure he'd wake up with a black eye next morning.
If he didn't kill him first.
''Don't pride yourself, little punk, I'm finishing you first, and then I'll take that little bitch with me.''
''Shut your mouth, I mean it.''
''Make me, jackass. You're just as dumb as her. The little bitch, she was so gloomy. Probably her boyfriend left her, pathetic. She's very fuckable though, I'll make sure to make her scream so loud that she'll forge-''
Hachiman screamed, and aimed a swift kick at the man's balls. It did the trick, as he stumbled, giving him enough time to slam him to the ground, where he unleashed his fury.
Again and again, he punched him in every inch of his face, and the man screamed in pain.
He liked it, hearing him scream.
''Hachimaaaaaan! Where are goiiiiiiiing? Don't tell me you finally grew a paiiiir!''
He was angry at himself.
He let this happen.
It was his damn fault.
''We're going home, Saki,'' he said, keeping his eyes on the road as he drove his car towards his apartment.
''I don't want to go home,'' she whispered, resting head against the car window. ''I don't want… to bother…you.''
Soon, she was asleep.
Hachiman pulled up just a few minutes later.
Turning his car off, he went to open Saki's door, just catching her before she fell off the car and into the pavement.
He ended up carrying her on his back, and soon enough, they were in his bedroom.
Setting her down, he sat on the side of his bed as Saki snored softly.
He was shaking. He had never, ever, intentionally hurt anyone before, and just remembering what that scum wanted to do with Kawasaki made his blood boil.
He was careless, he really was.
''Why… God damn, why did this happen,'' he whispered to one else in particular.
''I'm sorry, Taishi. I'm so sorry.''
His fists hurt, his head hurt, his heart hurt, everything hurt.
He just stayed there, silently crying, cursing himself.
''You k-now…He told me…that he'd make me forget…all my pain.''
He flinched, but as soon as she was finished, she was sleeping again.
He held her close that night, and he promised himself to never, ever, leave her alone again.
The dreams have stopped now.
They were not okay, and they didn't know if they would ever be, but at least they could get through every day.
They were still living a nightmare, just that it was now more bearable.
They went to the cemetery today, for the first time since they were buried.
They visited both of them, for the first time.
He talked with his sister for the first time in forever, He told her how bad this atrocity was, how much he wished he still had his little sister with him, how much he missed her.
He told her how Saki was now his girlfriend and he could swear he heard a distant squeal.
He wept, he cried, and cried, and cried.
And she was there beside him all the time, holding his hand.
Saki also wept openly, telling how much she loved her dear brother and cursing at herself for being unable to protect him. She told him everything they both went through, how they both fell to their lowest point, and how hard it was for them to finally get up again.
Hachiman also spared some words for him, mockingly telling him to take care of Komachi, wherever they were.
It was refreshing, and they were both glad because they felt they could finally start to move on.
They said their goodbyes and promised to come back very soon.
''No matter how far they are, we will always love them,'' proclaimed Saki, as they were walking towards Hachiman's car.
''Yes…always.''
Yo….
So this was just an idea that came to my mind. It was inspired by another story I read not too long ago.
Uh… I think this is the darkest thing I ever wrote. I won't be surprised if you don't like this.