While it was not exactly a dark and stormy night when Vissers One and Three reported to the Council of Thirteen for the hearing, it may as well have been.
Even though they were not located on the same planet, much less the same room, anyone could feel the tension between the two Yeerks.
Garoff One Six Eight spoke as soon as the two vissers, as well as another human Controller standing at a safe distance from his Andalite host's tail, had arrived.
"Edriss Five-Six Two. Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, prime," Garoff greeted, his tone not revealing anything. "We appreciate your presence at this meeting."
Both of the vissers probably shared the same thought. As though I have any choice.
They merely nodded their acquiescence.
"The reason I have summoned you both is because I have heard about the news regarding The Sharing," Garoff continued. "Visser One, has Visser Three briefed you?"
"No. We have not been in contact since my reassignment," Visser One answered, curtly.
She had arrived at the Anati home world only five days ago. The message to report, remotely, to the Council had been sent yesterday. It contained no details, merely a summons to report alongside Visser Three.
Garoff glanced at the other Council members, who murmured among themselves, briefly.
"Very well. Melgar Eight-Three-Two, please brief Visser One on the situation."
The human Controller, a male with red hair who looked like he was in his forty's, looked startled.
"M-me, Councilor?" he asked Garoff, then casting a scared glance at Visser Three before taking another step away from him.
"Yes. You. Visser Three informed me that you delivered him the information. Kindly do the same for Visser One."
Melgar nodded again, cleared his throat, and began. "Well, you see, Visser One, the IRS sent us a letter informing us that the tax exempt status of The Sharing is now in question. We must resubmit the application, and complete numerous other documents, in order to be considered again. In the meantime..." He trailed off, and with a brief nod from Visser One, he continued with renewed courage, "They say that we could owe upwards of five hundred million in back taxes."
Visser One gave a gasp as the news registered, but everyone else merely looked confused.
"That's over half the net worth of The Sharing!" she thundered. "We would nearly go bankrupt."
Melgar reddened, but the other Yeerks must never have heard of the term "bankrupt"-even Visser Three-because they simply looked confused.
"Explain in full, Melgar," Garoff commanded.
Melgar looked like he would rather flee the room instead, but this foolish move would result in certain death.
"In full, Councillor?" Melgar repeated. "Everything leading up to this?"
"Precisely." In a moment of mercy, Garoff told Melgar, "You are not on trial. Neither is Visser One. Visser Three..." He laughed harshly. "Well, that depends on the outcome. Continue."
Melgar inhaled and then exhaled, loudly. It was all Visser One could do not to roll her eyes. Humans were emotional enough, but did Yeerks have to give into them as well?
She refused to think of Madra and Darwin, and what living in Allison Kim had caused her to do. They were exceptions. Not the rule. Besides, any self respecting Yeerk should rise above the petty emotions of their host.
"It's a rather long backstory, but after compiling research from various credible sources, I believe that I have come to a conclusion as to why The Sharing is being audited," he explained.
"Proceed."
"In the United States of America, which is the county in which California is located, where we are executing the invasion...well, it's very odd, Councillor...respected Council members," he added hastily, nodding respectfully towards the other Council members.
Visser One wanted to shout, "Oh, just get on with it, you fool!"
Naturally, she resisted the urge.
"They elect their leaders. Every four years, they choose two people as potential presidential candidates, and the country votes for the person they would prefer to become president. Each elected president can only rule-or, to use the American term, serve-for eight years in total. The terms do not need to be consecutive, but they generally are."
Garoff nodded. "You think the president is behind this decision?"
"Yes, but not acting directly. You see, nearly four years ago, the American people elected as their president someone with darker skin pigmentation than they had in the past. My host, Councillor, is what's known as 'white'. The person they picked is what they call 'black'."
Garoff glanced at Visser One. "Is your host body white or black?"
"Neither," Visser One replied. "She's known as hispanic."
"Noted." Garoff paused for a minute, then commanded, "Proceed."
"The American people are very pleased with themselves for having elected a black president for the first time in their country's history. The president, Barack Husseim Obama, is also very pleased to have been elected as the president."
"As all leaders are, Yeerk or otherwise," Garoff observed.
"Uh, yes. Yes, Councillor, that is correct. Well, there are people who do not want him to become president for a second term."
"These are the people who did not-as humans say-vote for him the first time?"
"Yes. And some who did. Many consider themselves to be 'conservatives', while President Obama is considered a 'liberal'."
"Do all elections consist of a conservative and a liberal?" asked a Council member whose name Visser One did not know. A Hork-Bajir Controller.
"In the recent years, yes. The Democratic Party is the liberal party, and the Republican Party is the conservative party. There are variations of people and beliefs within each one, but that is the essence of it."
"Then this Obama does not like conservatives?" Garoff asked.
"He does not agree with their policies," Melgar replied, neutrally. "With the election coming up, an organization that steals money from the American public and then redistributes it as the government party in power sees fit, known as the IRS, has been targeting conservative groups looking to gain a tax exempt status."
"Which is?"
"Any money their organization receives will not be stolen and given to the government. Likewise, they may receive aid from the stolen money the IRS has taken and given to the government."
Visser One spoke up. "I knew all about tax exempt statuses when I created The Sharing. I was not about to let the government receive any of the money I received at the hands of my hosts, so I was meticulous about filling out all of the necessary paperwork."
Melgar nodded vigorously. "Visser One was both exact and precise in her preparations. I, and a team of accountants assembled by Visser Three, searched through the paperwork. Visser One completed everything necessary, and earned the tax exempt status."
"Then why, exactly, is The Sharing being told that they owe money to this human theft organization?" Garoff demanded.
"Because, well, this is all speculation...but..."
"Proceed. I suppose a tax theft organization is not going to explain why they are justified in stealing from you," Garoff allowed.
Melgar didn't know whether or not to laugh. "The first reason is the sheer amount of money The Sharing has. The American government is constantly borrowing from other places, and the idea of collecting such a large sum from one place must have seemed very appealing," he speculated. "The second is that The Sharing is being targeted as a conservative group."
"That's ridiculous!" Visser One interjected. "The Sharing is an organization that caters to everyone. It welcomes families, individuals, all kinds."
"Yes, Visser, but you see, there are key words that the IRS looks for when it searches for potential conservative groups. It is our belief that The Sharing being 'pro family' is being interpreted as code for a conservative group. Because there is the assumption that it promotes traditional family values, even though it does no such thing. After all, we want hosts of all kinds, and are simply using that type of language to appeal to everyone."
"From what you have said, then, it sounds as though the IRS simply wants a fat paycheck, and targeting us as a conservative group because we invoke the term 'family' is merely their excuse for doing so," Visser One speculated.
"That is what we believe," Melgar confirmed.
"Visser Three?" Garoff asked. "You have been silent until now."
Visser One wished he had not said that.
(I don't understand why Visser One could be so careless as to use divisive language in her proposal, so as to incite the wrath of the IRS!) Visser Three blustered. (How very careless!)
Garoff shook his head. "You forget, Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, that the attack of groups for using this language was recent. Unprecedented until now?" he asked, nodding at Melgar.
Melgar looked as though he were debating running away. Again. But if Visser Three did not order his execution, the Council surely would. And it was always better to err on the side of the Council.
"Yes," he practically squeaked. "Unheard of, until now."
"Then, Visser One shares no blame in this. As you said, she completed every procedure in order to protect The Sharing against this money grabbing institution. The question becomes how to prevent the IRS from taking money belonging to The Sharing."
The answer, it seemed to Visser One, was obvious.
"You must infest the head of the IRS, at minimum," she told Visser Three. "Preferably, the entire corporation, but at a minimum, the head."
"By any means necessary," Garoff added.
Visser Three nodded. "It will be my pleasure," he told Garoff.
Three weeks later, the following headline appeared near the back of one of the newspapers. Jake noticed it because it was the side on the top when his father dropped it in the recycling bin.
Sharing Organization Retains Tax Free Status. IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman to Give Public Apology and Endorsement for Membership.
At the next meeting, Jake announced the news.
"Yeah, my dad told me," Marco replied. "Too bad."
Jake shrugged. "Feels like a loss, but then again, it's the IRS."
"Yeah. You can't exactly root for them," Rachel laughed. "Even when the alternative is alien parasites. Hard to say which is worse."
(They'll torture each other,) Tobias agreed. (And drive each other insane.)
Sometimes, even a loss could be a win.