The Beginning of the End
When we met, it wasn't love at first sight. It was pretty close though. She was shy and maybe just a bit withdraw. And I don't usually like them that way. No, I usually like them loud and proud, someone who can keep up with me and my ways and return them. She could keep up though. No one can say that she couldn't. Maybe she wasn't like the rest of the people I went after, but she was special. The best I ever had. All I'd ever wanted, even though I hadn't known it at the time.
I wish I had.
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah
That's right
She showed me that love didn't have to be fast and hard. It could be soft and sweet too. I'd never known that though, after all I almost always went after the same type of people. The ones who liked it hard and fast. She was different though. And, for once, I like different. And when I fell in love with her, I knew it would last. Or, I thought it would. So did she. So, when I said forever, she readily agreed. And it was nice.
Loving and being loved.
It was an addiction that consumed me way more than Caf-Pow ever could.
And I liked it that way.
We both did.
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
And I thought, we both thought, that it would last forever. No one could've guessed that it would ever end. Really. They couldn't. Not because we got along so well or anything, 'cause we didn't actually get along all the time, but because they never even knew that there was a we. An us. An anything. They didn't know. And, if by any random chance they knew, they never said a word. Not even Gibbs. And I, we, knew that he knew. 'Cause he knows everything.
And even though we didn't always get along, that didn't mean that I had ever stopped loving her. No matter how mad I was. I never stopped. Not for a second.
So when I, we, went to a fair to have some childish fun, we didn't expect anything that the palm reader lady said would be bad. But we were wrong.
"You don't have much time left… Have fun while you can."
She knew…
Without a doubt, I know now that she knew.
But then…
Then…
I didn't know then.
Neither did Kate.
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
We gave each other nervous smiles and didn't venture further than a few feet away for the rest of the night. I was still a bit jumpy in the morning…
I pleaded with her to call in sick.
Begged and begged…
Eventually we both went in, albeit a little late.
I remember getting nothing done that day. I jumped at every little noise. I kept my music off.
I just about started crying when I heard that Team Gibbs had another dead marine. Worried and worried until they were back. Unharmed.
The weeks went by. I slowly began to relax again. Thought that the fortune was wrong.
Should've listened.
Now I just wish I spent more time with her. Wish I'd told her I loved her a little more, gotten mad a little less.
Just that little bit more…
When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
But still… I told Gibbs two days after. Broke down a cried. Shed every single last tear I had. Told him the whole story. Our whole story. He was unsurprised of course. Just like I knew he'd be. Like we knew he'd be when we finally worked up the courage to tell him… How I wish I'd just listened to her. Or at the very least given in. Told them all just like she wanted me to.
I wish I'd been just that little bit braver…
Gibbs understood though. He comforted me with the words he never spoke. I know he was thinking them though. And that was enough…
He said that there was nothing I could've done short of keeping her inside for the rest of her life…
Nothing.
And then I cried more tears that I didn't know existed.
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
I wasn't surprised when you showed up in my lab, clad in black. But… I wasn't exactly comforted either. Your visit only forced me to pull myself together, lest you are saddened by me. I couldn't handle the thought of you getting mad at me… Not even in death.
And I held on to your memory for dear life. I rejected harshly any and every woman that dared intrude on my space. My space, which also happened to belong to you. And you alone.
And I resented Ziva David. Hated her even. Purposely tried to make her uncomfortable, embarrassed, mad. Anything. Anything at all. I didn't want her trying to take your spot. Your place. Not in the bullpen. Not in our work family. Not in my world. Not anywhere. When you left, you left a vast and dark void. A big gaping ache that nothing could fill. Where the sun didn't shine and music didn't play. Where nothing and everything happened at once. An abyss that couldn't and wouldn't be filled. I miss you…
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
And, while this isn't our whole story, after all it doesn't have a beginning or middle, it is a story. A version of a story that will undoubtedly be told multiple times from multiple perspectives to multiple people. It's the end of our story. And the beginning of another… And I still miss you. And I still love you. But that love has changed a bit. And the hole you left is slowly but surely being fixed. I'll never be all the way whole again, but I'll get past it. Even as you haunt my life, in waking and sleeping. Even as I love again, I'll still miss you. And I'll still muse upon what we had. And I'll wait, just a little impatiently, until we meet again.