I put my beige plaid trousers on and sighed: golf wasn't on today. I would have to find something else to occupy my incessant retired days. A female perhaps, or maybe a male if I was feeling especially horny or, if I could not control my untold grey pubic desires an ox. Bestiality wasn't a taboo; I had been into it my whole life. Mmmmm snakes.

Oh! I noticed a grey snake slither towards me, I was a quivering mess. My bare hairy toe touched its silken body. I grabbed my barely, pathetically erect penis, screeching like an anally raped banshee.

I took the opportunity, and began furiously masturbating. My veiny old penis was throbbing with pure lust. A sharp intake of breath- oh no! On the brink of climax I heard a knock at the door. Tesco had delivered their shopping to my house earlier than expected. Damn their exceptional customer service. Cunt holes; I may not feel the sweet joy of an orgasm today as my penis shrunk as quick as a retreating spider. My penis has been rather dysfunctional recently. I'm getting older you know. It used to get so excited over very little physical contact but now, shamefully, it has the consistency and colouration of a well fed British slug.

Oh I hate those ghastly creatures, just yesterday they took a chunk out of my petunias, that reminds me, I must go tend to my bush.

I hastily zip up my flies, trying hard to not catch my grey, overgrown pubes in the zip, and walk to the door. I open the door, and my mind was not ready for the sight behind it.

A girl of 17 stood there, in a wonderfully short skirt and a revealing top. As she was peering at her clipboard, she bit her lip, completing the image of perfection. Without struggle, I could feel something that I hadn't felt in donkeys. A surge of pleasure encouraged an erection, which rose slowly in my beige, plaid trousers. She looked up from the clipboard, raising one eyebrow. I thought that she had already reached perfection, but this aroused me as much as I had ever been aroused. All my senses were screaming and aching to hold, to embrace, to feel the contours of this girl. I wanted to explore every nook and cranny of this wondrous, still developing body. Those slight curves… The subtle grease shimmering in her hair, almost stuck to her face, unable to catch the wind.

I noticed a "Team Jacob" badge on her pleasantly plump booby. I was team Edward, but I forgot all my hatred towards those Jacob-loving scum.

After these rushes of pure pleasure, I remembered what she was here for, as she seductively whispered "Would you like me to carry the bags inside?"

I planned out something in my head. Things needed to happen.

I nodded, and stepped aside as she brushed pass me, sending another ripple of pleasure throughout my body.

Once she had walked to the kitchen, I closed the door, and hurried to her. She was bent over, checking the contents of the bag, revealing her luscious rear. She glanced round at me, and purred "Just go for it."