In his room - on the bed I disliked so much - his lithe but strong body was hovering over mine and his icy hands were brushing my cheeks. His warm golden eyes stared at me and I could almost read the love they held.
I always believed that the eyes were the mirror of the heart, so his feelings and intentions were shown through them.
The rest of the Cullen family had gone hunting to the mountains for the weekend, so we were home alone. I had told Charlie that I had gone camping with them. But that wasn't the case. The setting was perfect for us to be all by ourselves, together, in the Cullens' house.
I smiled and brushed my fingertips over his bare back. He shivered lightly, reassuring me that he wanted this as much as I did. I wasn't about to give up on the idea to make love to him, to finally get to feel - as a human - what that felt like. It would probably feel better as a vampire, but I still needed to know. I didn't want to be stuck with the 'what if's.
I wondered how much longer was I going to wait for him to convert me and give me what I wanted. But by the way he was responding, it was probably going to happen soon. Or so I thought.
He kissed me deeply and gently pushed my legs apart.
I didn't want to get carried away like last time. It hadn't worked out the way I wanted. I had been as sure as I am now. He could turn me down and leave me here all hot and bothered. I decided to take the initiative and rolled on top of him, kissing my way from his jaw to his neck. It was as cold as ice and as hard as stone, but it almost seemed like temperature was invading his body. He panted and squirmed; he probably wasn't expecting that from me. But I was determinate to get away with what I wanted. I looked up at him and saw that his eyes were closed, his mouth ajar and his bronze hair lying like a short curtain on the pillow. His breathing was shallow now, as if he had gone breathless for the things I was doing to him.
Gently, I kissed his lips chastely, drove my hand over his ribs and dug my fingernails as softly as I could, even though I knew he wouldn't get hurt. He chuckled against my lips and his fingers knotted in my hair, not quite pulling. I broke the kiss to breathe and panted. I was being loud, I knew, but I couldn't help it.
"You're driving me crazy," I gasped. He smiled at me and rested his hands on the small of my back, not moving an inch lower.
"I could say the very same about you."
He rolled till he was on top of me and laid his head on my chest, listening to my strong, loud and fast heartbeat. He chuckled and kissed the pulse on my neck.
"Edward," I started. "Please, tell me you changed your mind." I looked down at him with big pleading eyes.
"Bella..." He shook his head. "Please. Don't start again."
"No, you please. If I'm going to... marry you," I cringed at the word. "You might as well give me what I want."
He rolled off of me, giving me a sad look. "We have already talked about this, Bella. I could break you."
"But you won't. You can't do it," I protested.
"Would you want me to crush another metal flower off the bed with my bare hand to prove you wrong?"
"You know that's not what I mean," I groaned.
He sighed. "Still. No."
"Please. Please, please, please," I whimpered between kisses. "Don't you want me?"
His whole body tightened, presumably to fight back. "You know I do."
"Would you ever hurt me?" I asked with my best innocent – yet seducing – voice, tracing patterns on his naked chest with the finger that held my engagement ring.
"Never, Bella. I would rather die than hurt you."
"Then you have nothing to worry about. You won't break me."
He seemed as if he was considering it, but resolution was in his voice and expression. "No, Bella. Not now."
I groaned. "Then I won't marry you," I spat.
"Then I won't turn you into a vampire," he snapped back. I sighed angrily.
"Edward, please! Don't make me beg. I don't like begging."
"Then don't."
I knelt on the bed and pulled my shirt over my head as quickly as possible, missing his hands when he tried to stop me. His eyes were glued to my almost naked torso and I took advantage of this. I leaned over him and kissed his cold chest, making him shiver.
"Bella, put your shirt on. You're not fighting fair."
I smiled at him and resumed kissing him, this time, his neck. "I never said I would."
"Bella, please," he panted.
I grinned against his neck. "Now who's begging now, huh?"
"You're unbearable."
I pulled back and knelt on the bed again, moving my hands to unhook my bra, but just a second before, he stopped me. "Please, Edward."
His face was hard now. Not angry, but stressed. "No. You're being really unfair. You know I want you, but I wouldn't be able to live if I ever did any harm to you. You know that."
"You told me you would never hurt me and I trust you. Why don't you trust yourself for once? When... " I closed my eyes, trying not to remember, but I needed to make a point, so I continued. "When James bit me, you sucked the poison out of my blood. You drank from me and you didn't kill me. You love me too much to hurt me, I'm sure. That stopped you from taking my life then, why would it be any other way now?"
"With your luck, you never know. You're a magnet for trouble and you know it. Maybe that could take its toll now. I don't want to tempt fate, not with this. Not when your life is on the line."
"My life is not on the line, Edward. I trust you. Shouldn't that be enough?" I knew I wasn't being fair, but there was no turning back now. I was going to fight until he gave me a positive answer.
"We're not having this conversation anymore, Bella."
"Oh, yes. We are. See Edward-"
He interrupted me and held my hands gently, but firmly. "I won't give in. So you might as well stop trying to change my mind."
"I agreed to marry you. I will become your... wife. Why wait till we get married so we can do this? You want it, I want it... it's the right thing to do. Plus, I want to take this step. This is important to me. Don't you care about what's important to me?"
"Alright! Alright." He looked up to the ceiling of his room, defeated. Frustrated. "Let's do it. But if I kill you, you know who's next."
My eyes lit up and I held on to him as if my life depended on it. And in some way, it did. "I love you. I love you. I love you!" I leaned over him and kissed him several times. "Have I told you that I love you lately?"
He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Only about a hundred times."
He sat on the bed and offered his hand to me. I gladly took it, never stopping grinning. He made me stand in front of him, at the edge of the bed and kissed my bare stomach. I felt butterflies inside of me. Cold ones, at that. He traced his fingers over my fevered skin and sighed. His eyes looked sad. That was the last thing I wanted now. It wasn't even on the list of the things I'd wish to him. I wanted him to be happy, not to be sad. Or worried. I tilted his chin up with my fingers to look at me and smiled warmly. I mouthed an 'I love you' and kissed him lightly. He sighed against my lips and grabbed a hold of my hips, urging me closer to him. His lips found my stomach again and his fingers, the button of my pants. I shivered slightly. This caused him to look up at me - his mouth never leaving my skin - and stand still. I smiled. "I'm alright. I'm just anxious."
He nodded softly and, with a last kiss on my stomach, he moved his head away from me to look directly into my eyes. His fingers moved again gently to undo the button he was working on a few seconds earlier. For the first time, I saw him uneasy, but I urged him on by caressing his cold cheeks. He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand. His hands finally managed to undo the button and he pulled the zipper down, never opening his eyes. I helped him, pulling down at the hem of my pants. He shook his head. "I'm taking my time to do this. I'll do it and I'm in no rush."
His gentle hands pulled my pants down as he decided to take a peek. When the pants had reached the floor, his hands were already on my legs, brushing his fingers over them ever so gently. I knew he was testing his self-control. I still believed it wasn't necessary. Suddenly, my body was being moved onto the bed, where I lay on my back. He stood up and pulled his own trousers down swiftly. I couldn't find my voice as I saw the milky white skin of his legs that I had never seen before, hiding their upper part under a pair of tight boxer briefs. Everything was new. And absolutely beautiful, alluring, enticing... mesmerizing. It was like the first time we went to the meadow, where I first saw his skin sparkle under the sun like diamond dust all over him. Only this time, it was even more impressive, if possible. Everything about him was perfect. There was no other way to describe him. Every detail revealed how much he resembled an angel, or some sort of deity. No human being could even dare to rival his beauty.
His eyes were dark butterscotch now. There was no possibility that he could lose control. At least concerning his thirst. He had gone hunting the day before, taking into consideration that we would be alone for a long time.
I was feeling very self-conscious by then. He was the epitome of perfection and there I was. A human with nothing out of the extraordinary. Nothing that could make a vampire fall in love with me. But there we were. Engaged. But most importantly, in love.
His now shaky hands pulled me so I could sit up. He held me for a too long minute and - painstakingly slowly - unhooked my bra. He didn't let it go, though. Maybe he wanted this moment to last. To be embedded in his memory forever. And I knew I wanted the same, but the anticipation was driving me crazy. I kissed him deeply and moved my hands to meet his, urging him to let my bra fall. He did so, but closed his eyes first.
"I can't believe we're doing this, I can't believe I'm doing this," he breathed.
I turned around and crawled, getting under the sheets. "You can look now, I'm under the covers."
He smiled and opened his eyes slowly. "It's not that I don't want to see you, Bella. I do. I'm just..."
I took his hand in mine, still covering myself, and brushed my fingertips over his pale knuckles. "I know. Don't worry. Now come here."
He smiled widely and - as if he had turned into a ray of light - he joined me inside the bed. His hand didn't leave mine, though. And I drove it towards my lips, down to my neck and finally to my chest.
"Bella! Your heart!" He looked at me, startled. I laughed.
"There's nothing wrong with my heart. But it's your fault it's so over-excited now."
"Maybe this wasn't the best idea-"
He couldn't continue as I kissed him. My hands travelled to his waist, icy under my fingers, curling around it. I pulled him on top of me. He gasped and closed his eyes. I knew he could feel my warm skin against him, my bare breasts heating up his chest. He opened his eyes again and stared at my eyes.
"I had never felt so... nervous. Not even when James or Victoria were looking for you." He was silent for a too long second. "Maybe it's because I'm the one that is about to harm you."
I shook my head. "You won't."
He smiled and kissed me gently. This time, he was in control. His lips moved to my neck and up to the hollow of my ear, back down to my collarbone. His eyes were closed again. Maybe he wasn't ready to look at my naked body yet. It would make it too real.
His lips brushed along my neck, from my jaw to my shoulder. I could feel my heart about to rip out of my chest. I felt his hands reach lower, to my waist, tracing the sides of my body. He tugged down my underwear, very slowly. That's when reality struck me. I looked at him with wide eyes. He was thinking hard. I could tell by his furrowed brow. Without opening his eyes, he sat back and pulled my underwear all the way to my feet. I trembled and also closed my eyes, trying to contain the whimper of fear in my throat. My body tensed slightly, trying to make it less noticeable. My hands clenched into fists at my sides and I waited. He finally opened his eyes to look at me. His eyes sparkled and he stood still, just staring.
After a few seconds of being observed, I started feeling really uncomfortable. I squirmed so he would notice this, and he did. Slowly, he covered himself with the sheets and took his boxers off. I thought of saying something witty about him being the unfair one for not letting me see him, but words failed me. And when I was about to say something, anything, my voice hitched in my throat, watching him drop the sheets.
I saw him whole. I had never seen anyone naked in my life, but I could tell that he was perfect. There were no flaws, just ivory skin. I reached out with my hand to touch his chest and stomach. It was just like a dream, just like heaven. I had never tried to imagine his body before; I knew my memory wouldn't do justice to his divine figure. And it was my turn to stare at him.
I trembled when he leaned over me again, lying on top of me. He brushed my ear with his cold lips. "You're beautiful, Bella. No, that word's not a millionth of what you are."
I felt a tear build up in my eye to fall down my cheek. "I love you," I said, meekly.
He kissed my tear away and I realized how lucky I was to have someone like him.
"Are you sure about this?"
"I'm just a little scared. Not of you, about doing this. It's a huge step, but I'm willing to take it. I want to take it. Yes, I'm sure."
He just nodded and positioned himself between my legs."I have no idea how to do this. Just so you know," he laughed, slightly embarrassed.
"I know. And neither do I. But don't worry, you're good at everything you do," I smiled widely. But fear returned to me again when he started pushing himself inside me. I hissed in pain and he stopped.
"I'm hurting you. We're stopping this right now." He started to move away, but I grabbed his arm.
"No, I'm fine. It's normal, it will hurt. But it's bearable. Don't worry."
He hesitated but tried again, trusting my words. And I tried to trust myself, too. It wasn't so easy. But I kept as quiet as possible when I felt him try entering me again, pushing slowly and gently.
I had lied. I told him it was bearable, but it hardly was. It felt like that time I broke my knuckle after I punched Jacob in the face. But I hadn't cried from the pain that time, why would I now? I inhaled deeply and - all too suddenly - the pain stopped. I opened my eyes, thinking Edward had stopped trying, but there he was. His eyes were wide open, but they were far from frightened or surprised. They held love, passion and absolute adoration and devotion. It was so strong that my heart could feel the very same. It had stopped beating a second and then returned in all force. The cold inside me wakened me from my trance and I kissed him with a smile on my face I hadn't noticed before. He kissed back eagerly. As eager as he would allow himself to be around me.
"Should I be cliché or romantic?" I asked him, grinning now.
But no words were needed then. Actions spoke at a higher volume. His body molded against mine, his hands held mine gently and his lips kissed mine as he moved slowly. He had never been so gentle and sweet, as impossible as that thought sounded in my mind. If I ever thought I was in love with him, I wasn't as accurate as I was now. I felt so close to him, and I finally understood what people meant when they said that doing this was being one with the other. That phrase had never been so true. It felt exactly so, and maybe even better.
No. Definitely better.
I felt things I had never experienced before. My lower stomach trembled constantly, my eyes filled up with tears, my heart with joy... it was more than I had even dreamt it would be. For hours we held almost still, not quite breathing, not quite holding our breaths. Ice against fire, neither giving in, but actually blending together. It was something eerie. The vampire and the girl, the lion and the lamb - loving each other.
Finally, his body tensed. He held on to me, hiding his face in my hair as softly as he could manage and choked out a sob. There weren't tears coming out of his eyes, though. He stopped moving for a second and then trembled as if he was freezing. His breathing got steady at last and he turned to look at me.
"God, Bella. Have I told you that I love you lately?"
I laughed and kissed his hair. "Only about a hundred times," I smiled, quoting him. "I love you, too. Thanks for doing this for me."
"Thanks for convincing me," he laughed. "I'm much stronger than I thought. I didn't think I'd do this so... softly."
"We both knew you are; you just needed some reassurance."
"And wow! I can last!"
I slapped his arm jokingly and he rolled off of me, chuckling. "Even for a vampire, you're a real man."
"Told you I was."
"Hey! How come you didn't...?"
"I did." He paused. "Vampire. We don't leave a mess," he smiled.
"How handy," chuckled softly.
I put my arm over his stomach and laid my head on his icy chest, not really caring how cold it was. I was glad I was there with him and that we had shared such moment. I suddenly felt really tired and yawned. Edward noticed this and petted my head.
"Maybe you should take a nap. You need to rest."
I was about to fight back, but my restlessness got the best of me and I closed my eyes. "Will you be here when I wake up?"
He kissed the top of my head. "Always, Bella."
Sighing, I drifted to sleep with the biggest smile on my face; holding onto my other half I loved so much.