It may be the last thing you want to hear, and the last thing you want someone to tell you, especially if you're reading things written by me because you'll think I say something charming, or sweet, or just plain dense but kind of endearing, but my life, and the lives of the people are care most about, are all dire. Life, in general, is dire. The good moments whistle by before you can appreciate them and the bad moments crawl on forever. The really bad moments go on for so long that you'd do anything just to see the end of it, even if it made you hurt, and even if it made it worse for a little while.
My life has had a fair few really bad moments, and most of the time, I wasn't even paying attention until they were there, staring me in the face, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I do that a lot. If something hurts, I pretend it doesn't. I smile. I don't know why I started smiling. All I know is, if I'm smiling, things can't be so bad yet, so it's not a really bad moment and I don't have to be hurt.
This all sounded really good in my head before I tried to write it out.
I don't do so well with words. Not like England, and not like Germany. I'm not smart, like they are. That's why I like to paint. "A picture paints a thousand words," England once said to me. It was about the only thing he's ever said that I understood perfectly. It doesn't matter what someone feels, like those moments when you're so happy it feels like there's a light in your chest, and your eyes smile before your mouth can. They doesn't make sense written down, but if it was a painting, you'd understand. Or when you're so scared and empty that you feel like a lost child - in a sentence, it's what Germany called 'an overused comparison'. But whoever painted someone scared and empty and lost would have created something totally new.
Life isn't really terrible. I shouldn't have said that. I sounded like my brother. You should never take it for granted, no matter how long it's crawled on for, or how often you've felt like a lonely child. It's not happy, at least, it doesn't come that way. You have to work at it yourself. You need to smile. You need to show people something to smile about and something to live for. Otherwise, life hurts you. And hurt people hurt people.
There is always hope, and always something, or someone to smile for. And it may seem, the word Germany used was 'hypocritical', for me to say it, but you have to be strong. You always have to be strong, especially when you feel the weakest.
Feliciana Vargas,
London, England
1944
Yup, one of those annoying letters to no one prologues. Enjoy.