in the abcense of hope, there is only fear; but in the abscense of love, there is only emptiness.
oOo
The screams would wake me up every night - so painful, so heart wrenching… my screams. Every night it was the same nightmare… always over and over again - nothing. That was what I was afraid of, and I guess it wasn't really very normal. I was afraid of nothing, in my life. I was afraid that everything would disappear, just like he had, like they had. I'd learnt to bury my head in my pillow, but it still didn't stop Charlie from hearing. I knew how it hurt him, I knew how pained he was that no matter what he did he couldn't actually help me. But he didn't realise that just him being alive was enough reason for me to do so also. I lived for my dad, now. My mother had Phil, she didn't need me. But Charlie did. He didn't know how to cook for himself, I can't imagine how he had gotten on without me.
Probably meals at the diner every other night; or even skipping dinner, because of his hectic job. But while I was still here, still breathing… there would always be a warm meal awaiting him when he came home, no matter how late. Today was the sixth month anniversary I had been away from them. I still couldn't say their name. And every time I tried, the pain just hit me as if I had been stabbed in the heart. I silently wondered to myself, after I had cried myself into an almost unfeeling state - would it ever get better? I already knew the answer. bit never would. But I liked to hope - hope was really the only thing I had left. They'd taken every thing with them when they left. My heart, my head, my soul. I felt empty. What had I done to deserve so much pain? I was never good enough for them, never good enough for him?
And you know what hurts even more? I never will be. I made my breakfast again that morning, sat down at the table next to Charlie and tried to look alive. I always try - and always I get the same, concerned, fatherly look from him. I wish I didn't have to try so hard to reassure him. I felt like I would break any moment. "You should see your friends, Bells. I'm sure they miss you… and this, this - it's just not healthy. I'm worried, Bella." I nodded to him - what could I do to put him at ease? I sighed softly mentally. More pain for me, but at least he may feel a bit better. "I'm going to Seattle with Angela and Jessica tomorrow. We thought we'd spend the night up there, if that's okay?" I saw his eyes light up, and I felt a slight tingle of comfort that he was happy, and then it was gone, replaced with the void of blackness.
"Yes, yes stay as long as you like! Do you need some extra cash?" I smiled at him, but we both knew it was fake. "Nah, dad. Angela's dad said he'd cover us. He has to go up for business, and he said he'd give us a lift and we're staying in the same hotel so… he wants Angela to have some company, y'know." Charlie nodded, and I sighed mentally once again. He seemed to be a lot more cheerful throughout the rest of breakfast, and I was feeling more and more twinges of something I hadn't felt in quite some time… but every time I would remember, and every time my heart would ache. I got up from the table and washed our plates. Charlie said goodbye and I avoided the stairs leading up to my room. I only went up there to sleep, and I don't have to face that for another 12 hours at least.
I went into the living room, made a quick call to Angela to tell her that I could actually make it tomorrow. She was thrilled, and her voice wasn't concerned as it had been the last 20 times she'd called to check up on me. Angela was a true friend; everyone else had given up on me. I sighed, this time out loud and hung up the phone after a short, nice goodbye. Angela wasn't one to push for information. I had just told her I was finally through morning and ready to move on in life. What a lie that had been. I glanced to the clock; it read 10:30am. It was Saturday, but that didn't mean I couldn't do some well needed study. I was about two months ahead in school work, but that was good, right? I spent the entire day on maths, and then stopped, cooked Charlie's dinner and put it in the microwave. I was startled when he came home…
I hadn't been keeping track of the time, I never did. Anymore. "Dinner's in the microwave." He smiled and thanked me, and all too soon - after I had dried the dishes and cleaned up - it was time to go to bed. I said goodnight to Charlie, who gave me a reassuring kiss on my hair, and then I walked into my room. And dawdled. I brushed my teeth, I did and re-did my hair, and I had about three showers. And then I had to face it. I curled up in my doona, and let the pain take me away. I didn't scream tonight, which was odd. But mainly probably because I didn't actually sleep. I was just far too on edge about the trip today. I was really going to have to try my best. I got up at about 7 after I heard Charlie drive away. He was going fishing with Billy this morning, and I knew he wouldn't be back all day, so he wouldn't be able to see me off.
As I walked down to the kitchen, I saw a note on the fridge. My heart panged. He'd left notes for me all the time. I didn't move for what seemed like hours on end, I didn't want to go near the note, even though I knew it wasn't from.. him. My mouth was dry as I swallowed hard, trying desperately to get rid of the lump that had formed in my throat as I took the three steps towards the fridge and grabbed the small piece of paper, noting what my father was telling me. My eyes quickly scanned over the messy handwriting, ignoring the empty pain that came over me as I thought of his perfect scripted writing. I shut my eyes tightly, the paper falling gracefully to the kitchen floor as I grabbed my chest. Great way to start the morning.
I didn't bother picking up the note, I didn't want to even look at it anymore, Charlie would get rid of it later, when he was back home from Billy's. I made my way out of the kitchen and ran back up the stairs, tripping three times as tears formed in my eyes, but I wouldn't let them fall, I wouldn't let him win. Until later. I didn't take long in the shower like I had planned to do, I brushed my teeth quickly and ran my brush through my long hair before my hand went through it a few times. I looked at myself in the mirror and my face dropped. I looked horrible, dead. I adverted my eyes from the reflection and let out a deep sigh before swinging open the bathroom door and heading back into my silent room.
It took me only a minute or two to be finally ready and I walked back down the stairs, glancing up at the clock on the wall, it was almost 8 and I'd be getting picked up soon. Biting down on my bottom lip, I walked into the living room and sat down on the brown coloured lounge, pulling my feet up so my knees were pressed against my chest and my arms wrapped around them, I slowly placed my chin on the top of my knees and I stared straight in front of me and out the window. My heart hurt as I did that. I had always waited for him at this window. A car pulled up outside; Angela's dad's car and I sighed for the hundredth time. I grabbed my bag and walked down the stairs, opened and shut the front door behind me, and locked it, and then smiled as I walked towards my ride. Or I tried to smile.
The ride was long… I tried to make conversation but I knew how badly I failed. The girls were very concerned, but every time they asked all I had to do was shrug and Angela left me alone, obviously trying to give me some space. Jessica, though – was more like an older sister. Annoyingly persistent to get information. Her dad dropped us off at our hotel, handed us all some cash and then drove off. He'd given us all 300 bucks, and Angela the details for which room we were in and such. As we walked through the doors I was surprised, and I couldn't help but sigh as I saw what a goddamn posh place we were in fact staying in. That was odd for me, the last time I had been anywhere so fancy was in their house.
I swallowed roughly as I looked around the hotel and I wanted to bolt. I honestly wanted to drop my bag and just run away. My heart beat pounded loudly against my chest, and it hurt to breathe as I thought of their large, over sized house, and then the last time I was there; my birthday party.. I let out a whimper as I grabbed my chest, thanking god that both Jessica and Angela where over at the front desk getting the keys to our room. I felt like I was having an asthma attack, though it hurt much worse then that. Several deep breaths and calming thoughts later, the two girls returned to get their bags and show me up to the room. I climbed far too many stairs to the first floor, before getting into one of the elevators and riding it up the many more floors, far too many to count, and there were far too many buttons to press, I was surprised Angela knew where she was going..
I seemed to have zoned out into my own thoughts for awhile, just the small things that I could remember that happened months ago - and I was shocked when I didn't seem to have a heart attack once they flashed into my mind, though I was certainly not complaining. The soft ding sounded letting me know we had reached the floor we wanted, and I shook my head slightly and picked up my bag again. I followed Angela down the hallway like a little lost sheep before I was faced with a brown door and the number 672 written in gold font on the door. I sat on one of the large king sized beds that was in the middle of one of the hotels rooms. The walls were lined with paintings and other fancy crap that I highly doubt anyone takes note of. I fell back, my head hitting the soft silk pillow and I let out a sigh as I closed my eyes, even the bloody bed reminded me of him.
I held back the tears as best I could, one slipping down my cheek every now and then, but I had managed to keep most of them back, I didn't want to worry either Jessica or Angela with my sudden emotion. A soft knock at my door arose me from my small world I'd created within my mind over the past.. hours? I didn't know, but I sat up slowly and my chocolate gaze fell upon Angela's kind face, and I attempted to smile at her. "Hey Bella, did you want something to eat? Me and Jessica were just going to order room service.." She said softly as she lent against the door frame, looking like she didn't know whether she wanted to walk in or stay where she was. I shook my head in response to her question and threw her a fake smile. "No thanks, maybe later." I mumbled as she nodded once, trying to hide her concern with a smile, but failing.
I then stood up, knowing I couldn't stay here any longer. "I've been cooped up in the car for awhile, I think I'll just go for a walk around the block. You guys will still be here in 20 minutes, won't you?" She nodded, and I smiled at her. This time it was slightly more real, because I was actually feeling a bit better. I desperately needed some time alone. "Thanks." I said as I passed her quickly. I could feel her eyes on my back but I didn't glance back as I ran out the door, and down the stairs and out of the hotel. The cold air hit my face straight away, and it felt good, and hurt at the same time. He'd been cold, they all had. Everyone I had lost was cold, cold shouldn't help, but it did. The pain was the only reminder that they were real. And the pain every time I thought about one of them, especially him.
I don't know how long I was gone for, but as I walked back into the hotel, for some reason I had a very bad feeling in my chest, and not the ones I was used to. I heard their piercing screams before I saw what was happening. My feet thumped hard against the floorboards, and I turned the corner just in time to see the tall, muscular vampire hold up Jessica and slam her against the wall. I heard something crack, and I preyed it wasn't her neck. "no," I screamed, without even thinking, "Please, please stop!" That's when they seemed to notice me for the first time, because all eyes were on me and in less than a heartbeat stone arms had wrapped around my shoulders and hauled me into the wall also. I groaned as I tried to pull myself up off the ground. The vampire walked towards me, sauntered, but it's eyes were tense.
It's sharp, bright red eyes – it raised a hand, and I knew what it was doing. I shut my eyes, knowing this was the end. "No, Felix!" A woman's voice interrupted my raging heart. I didn't dare open my eyes, I didn't want to face it, not yet. "This is what we're looking for." There was a short burst sharp laughter. Once again it was a woman's voice, " Look at how pitiful and afraid she is. We'll just check this is the right one, shall we?" I tensed, for some reason, my brain thinking pain. But after what seemed like a long time, which was really only a matter of seconds, I untensed, confused. There was no pain? So why had I thought there would be. I opened my eyes, focusing on the… girl, that stood in front of me, looking rather put out. "Yes, this is the one." Felix said, or the one I thought was Felix.
"Bring her… but don't… harm her. Aro wants her alive." That voice was so old, and yet belonged to such a young face. I knew vampires were generally a hundred plus years old but this girl, with piercing red eyes looked so innocent. She smiled at me again, evilly – but her eyes twisted and I could see she was obviously annoyed about something. Had I upset her? All I had done was pleaded for the life of my friends, and yet she had slaughtered them. I was pushed forward roughly by the tall, muscular man, and I winced as my arm twisted in a way that was painful. The girl turned back around, giving the man who was pushing me a sharp look and suddenly the pressure was gone. Instead I was lifted up. I didn't even bother to complain, because I had a feeling it would get me nowhere anyway.
I didn't even ask where I was being taken, or why Aro wanted me alive. I just obeyed, and watched the tall, blonde haired boy as he observed the situation. They took me to a car, and then to an airport where I was put on a plane. I fell asleep while I was on there, but only because I literally hadn't slept in almost a week. There were no nightmares, no screams… but that was only because my sleep was restless. But I guess, when wasn't it? I was roughly shaken awake and hauled back into someone's arms as we left the plane. I didn't really bother to take in my surroundings…. But the first thing I noticed was that it was actually really hot, and there was quite a lot of sunshine. These vampires wore cloaks with hoods though; so I didn't see any sparkling skin. Once again there was a long car ride, and then I was being pushed down a passage, and through large, wooden doors.
"And now, you pitiful being, we shall see your fate." The girl spoke to me in her voice that really should have belonged to someone with more face marks. I was pushed forward, and I hesitantly came to stand in front of three thrones, which held three vampires. A rush of wind and then the middle, dark haired one was standing right in front of me. He touched my hand, and I resisted the urge to flinch back. Though I did as his cackle filled the air, "Remarkable." He said, a large smile on his face, "Isn't she, Jane?" I glanced back over to the girl, who had a sour look upon her face, "Yes, master." Was all she said, and with a nod from the man, she disappeared. He looked back to me, and dropped my hand, "I am Aro, and you must be Isabella, correct?" I found myself nodded, but speech still evaded me.
"And you were a .. pet, shall we say – of the Cullens, not to long ago?" The pain that pierced my heart at there name I was sure he would be able to hear though I did not allow it to show on my face, I kept a blank mask of indifference. I did not nod to that, I hadn't been their pet. "Friend." I muttered, and his eyes widened and clicked back to mine, "Of course," He corrected himself, but I saw the surprise behind my remark. "But now, my child, you are a liability." I felt my blood run cold. That's all I had ever been, wasn't it? A liability. And that's all I ever would be.
reviews would be lovely. carlisle in next chapter. (: