21st August
It's dark outside and Mum still isn't home from work. It's not like it's anything unusual, I've had my own key for years now, since I was eleven. Some days I wonder how different things would be if she would just be here when I get home to ask about my day. Don't get me wrong, she does ask. But later, and usually when I'm too tired to answer very well.
There's the door. That'll be her now. Almost half past ten - early really.
22nd August
Mum was tired when she got in last night. I went downstairs though and watched her make herself a coffee and some toast and I told her about my English test and Kate and her boyfriend troubles and asked for money to go ice skating this weekend. Mum always looks tired and some days I hate it. She looks pretty though, even with her eyes all dark and saggy looking. I look like my Mum; we're both medium height and curvy with dark hair and dark eyes. Alluring eyes, that's what Mum's friend Elliot calls them.
When I was little, I always thought Elliot was my Dad. I was so sure of it, and when I asked Mum and she just laughed and laughed I was a bit upset. I wanted Elliot to be my Dad. He's a few years older than Mum and he does something with medicine too only more of then management side of things. He isn't married – his wife died a year before I was born. He says he can imagine my Mum being like me at my age. I can't imagine my Mum at seventeen. Grandad tells me she was mouthy and pretty and always thought she was right. Not much changes really.
23rd August
Elliot picked me up from the skating tonight and brought me home – Mum had an emergency and she let him go to get me, said she could handle it. She called and said goodnight, telling me she would be in theatre until morning. I'm glad – she's a shitty driver and that dual carriageway would be lethal in the dark. Elliot stayed over to look after me and that's when I asked him about my Dad. He wouldn't tell me anything (I think Mum's said he isn't allowed). He went dead quiet and then told me to go and get ready for my bed. When he came up to check I was all right I said it was okay, I know he isn't allowed. He half laughed then. I asked him about when he met my Mum instead.
She isn't here for me to ask, so talking to her friend's helps me understand her a wee bit better.
I'd heard bits of the story before – he met her at the hospital and let her share his office as a goodwill guesture cause he got a job she wanted or something like that. He liked her because she was confident yet vulnerable and had pretty eyes and a nice voice and she was outrageous and made him laugh. When he told me that, I thought it was pretty funny. My Mum is outrageous sometimes. He told me about his wife Gina too and how my Mum made it possible for him to be with her as she died. I guess Mum can be all right at times! I asked him if he and Mum ever had sex back then, after Gina, but he laughed and said no, he was too special.
I don't really understand that one.
24th August
I hate my Mum's job. I know people need her because she's a pretty amazing surgeon but I hate how she has to stay away. It's been two days now and I miss her a bit but Elliot is cool and we get on so it's not all bad. Chrissie came round tonight, my godmother. Mum used to hate her. I think I got friendship from my Dad's genes cause Mum's never had a lot of friends and she doesn't like girls much and I love my girlfriends!
When Chrissie went home, I asked Elliot how he could be too special for Mum to have sex with. He told me that even though sex can be good, it can sometimes be what he calls degrading, and often when people are upset or hurting they can use other people for sex and a bit of comfort. I understand it a bit better now – Mum liked Elliot too much to use him. She calls him her platonic soul mate – that means he's like her other half but they don't sleep together.
Chrissie's daughter knows a bit more about sex and stuff even though she's only fifteen! She told me that Chrissie reckons my Mum has a commitment problem. Chrissie thinks she likes sex but not marriage or relationships. I sometimes wonder if she had a commitment to my Dad.
I still think Elliot could be my Dad – maybe she used him once and they're ashamed.
26th August
Mum came home yesterday but today she's back in surgery so I'm here alone. I asked Chrissie earlier if Elliot was my Dad and she got all serious and told me to ask Mum because she doesn't know who my Dad is. I don't believe her.
29th August
Mum's home but she's on nights this week so she's asleep all day. I asked her again today if Elliot was my Dad and she got all serious too and said no, they really are just the best of friends. She confirmed what I thought – that she liked him too much to use him. She told Elliot on the phone later that I'd been asking - I listened in on the extension. He's on days I think. He laughed and laughed and mentioned someone called Ric and someone else called Mubbs (That can't be a name surely!).
I wonder if one of them are my Dad.
2nd September
Found the nerve to ask Elliot about the other men tonight. He told me that Mubbs was a one night stand - Well, two day stand, - and they just had sex but no talking or anything like that. The thought of my Mum being that relaxed about stuff like that freaks me out a bit, she seems too high maintenance for that.
6th September
Mum had a successful transplant so she took me and Elliot for pizza. In the pizza place I told her I was still thinking about my Dad. She laughed at the idea of Mubbs – apparently looking after a Goldfish would have finished him off – and then I asked her who Ric was. She got a bit girly at the mention of him - he was the first man she met and slept with at Holby apparantly she still thinks he's attractive.
I like when Mum tells me stuff but sometimes she tells me way too much!
11th September
Mum had a day off today and I was off school so we went up to the graveyard and put some flowers down. We always do Granny first and then Will. I thought Will might be my Dad for a while so I asked but Mum got all upset and weird like she always does when I mention him. Mum puts roses on his stone and talks about me.
We went for coffee afterwards, which Mum loves and I hate so I got ice cream instead. She told me a bit about Will but not much. She blames herself for him dying, even now. It makes me sad.
She told me I was concieved a year later - he cannot be my Dad.
12th September
I persuaded Mum to tell me a bit more about Will today, and then the whole story about how I got here came tumbling out. I understand now why Mum hadn't told me before. After Will died, Mum moved on to a guy called Sam, who she pushed and pushed and tried to make a great surgeon out of. I feel sorry for him already - Mum pushes too hard.
She told me that they fought and flirted and she thought he would make a good father so they had sex on the staff room floor and she got pregnant.
I made her stop after that. It sort of made me feel nauseous.
13th September
Although I had the story I didn't see how that led my Mum to keep me away from him. I know he looked after me when I was first born and Mum couldn't cope with how ill I was. They had sex a few more times, for comfort, like Elliot talked about. Mum didn't want money from him and although he tried to be a good Dad he was a jack the lad, as Mum puts it, and wanted more women than baby bottles.
14th September
Looking back at it now, I don't like the story of how I got here. I'm not planned or explicitly wanted, I'm here because of grief and vodka and arguments and a fleeting idea of how nice a baby would be. My Dad is a bit of a mess now; he drinks a lot, Mum says the cancer screwed him up a little bit - she sees him from time to time. I've met him – I realise that now that I know who he is. I don't think it's worth changing stuff really.
I'm proud of my Mum's job. I know she didn't need him. I've got Elliot who is as good as any sperm donar, and Chrissie who is like a second Mum.
And I've got my own Mum who is pretty amazing even if she was kind of slutty when she was younger!
20th September 2027
I saw him on the street today – I've been walking about near where he lives hoping I would. He looks much older than my Mum. He looked right at me. Looking at me now is just like looking at Mum; I'm the same height and weight, almost exactly. He looked right at me, as if he recognised me, and then he half laughed, remembering, obviously, that my Mum has shorter hair and is a little smaller and a little thinner with better skin.
We've got the same eyes.
He didn't know who I was. He was a little drunk and thought he saw a ghost of something long past.
I guess I'm okay with that really.
I just wanted to look.