Botched Valentine's Day
A Ron and Hermione Story
Disclaimer: Not mine. At all.
Author's Note: Once again, written for one of NevilleForeville's Facebook challenges. Once again, a bit AU, just keep rolling with it. Reviews make me forget about my doomed Algebra grade. Thanks!
Around the middle of Hermione's last year at Hogwarts, she was unsure of what she and Ron were. He would visit her, and kiss her occasionally, but they had never put a label on their relationship. That was, until Valentine's Day of 1999.
Viktor Krum came to the small village of Hogsmede just a day before Valentine's Day. He had bought a room at the Three Broomsticks, then ventured downstairs to the pub in hopes a good Fire whiskey would calm his unbearable nerves. He planned to ask Hermione Granger to be his Valentine, and even though the Daily Prophet hinted that she and the ginger boy were dating, he believed he could win her over. So, there he sat, preparing the first gift in a string of surprises for his dear Hermione at a table in a run-down pub. This was, of course, a most inopportune time for Ron Weasley to enter the pub himself.
It took Ron a total of forty-nine and one-half seconds to realize the Bulgarian seeker, and another fifteen to make his way across the room and slide clumsily into the booth with him. Viktor pretended not to notice, but he did edge a bit closer to the wall before taking a small sip of his drink. Ron smirked, showing he had witnessed this movement.
"Krum." He nodded stiffly in greeting. Viktor nodded back. "What brings you here? Nothing exciting down in a small village like this, not when you could be off in London or back in your homeland, yeah?" he interrogated carefully. He had his suspicions about Hermione's ex-fling, but for the first time, Ron kept his anger hidden.
"I am here to visit Hermy-own-ninny vor this 'Valentine's Day' tradition you British have." Viktor said with more courage than he truly had. Ron's heart raced, but he managed a smile.
"Really? Good for you, mate. I'm sure she'll love that." Viktor looked shocked.
"Vhat good news! So, you and Hermy-own-ninny, there is nothing between you and she?" he asked hopefully. Ron laughed, at the idea Viktor would try and win her over, not the absurdity of Viktor's idea.
"Nah, we're just… just friends. Hey! Why don't I help you with that Valentine thing?" he offered. Viktor looked uneasy.
"Vell, vhy not? I have a plan vor her." He said, hoping it would appease the red-headed boy.
"Vhat- I mean, what is it?" Ron asked, having far too much fun with this. Viktor gulped.
"I have a poem I have written vor her, and my father taught me how to make a vlower sing it." Ron nodded.
"May I?" he asked, pointing to the paper in front of Viktor. The seeker nodded.
"You have hair the colour of rich earth,
You're eyes shine with beautiful mirth,
You have a heart of solid gold,
So, if I may be so very bold,
It would be so very fine
If you would be forever mine. Love, Viktor Krum" Ron read aloud. It took all his willpower not to scoff.
"Is it good enough?" Krum questioned. Ron had to cough to hide a laugh.
"Oh, yeah! Bloody brilliant, really. She'll melt for this." He praised. Viktor breathed a sigh of relief.
"Vonderful!" he cried, granting several odd stares from other patrons.
"Hey, Vicky. Why don't I deliver this for you? I would be way more romantic that way." He prompted, hoping the large man would take the bait. He did.
"Vould you? Thank you, ginger-boy. I am just… so nervous." He smiled gratefully.
So, Ron took the flowers to her room that night, all the while muttering the rhyme the flower would tell his lovely Hermione.
"You have the hair of an untrimmed bush,
You're eyes the colour of vomited mush,
You have a heart that's black as coal
I have to wonder where you lost your soul
So I would remain forever grateful
If you could stop being so hateful. Love, Viktor Krum" he would repeat over and over. As he slipped into the girls' dorm, he failed to remember the curse set on the stairs, and so fell clumsily on his rear.
"Bloody-"he stopped himself. He looked out the window to see the sun beginning to spread its glow through the sky. He cursed once more before quickly summoning a broom, an old trick he and Harry had learned from Sirius, and flew to the door. He slipped in the clean room, and placed the potted plant on Hermione's bedside table and ran, or rather slid, away.
At promptly seven o'clock that morning, the entire common room heard the scream. Luckily, both Viktor and Ron were off at the three broomsticks discussing the next plan.
"So, I vas thinking that next ve could send Hermy-own-ninny chocolates?" Viktor smiled brightly. Ron gagged.
"Yeah, sure mate. She loves chocolate. Especially the expensive foreign kind." He choked out. Viktor smiled.
"Vonderf-"he was cut off promptly by an owl landing on their table.
"Mate! That's 'Mione's owl!" Ron shouted excitedly. Viktor fumbled to pull off the note.
"Vhy is it red?" he asked. Ron forced a frown, hiding his hysterical laughter inside.
"That's a howler! She sent you a howler!" he smirked. Viktor quickly opened it, wisely so.
"Viktor Krum! How dare you! How did you find the nerve to send me such an AWFUL poem? Did you think it would be funny? It's not! I loathe you! How could you? I trusted you!" the Howler yelled in Hermione's voice. It shouted several curses, then destroyed itself with a final, "LOATHE!" Viktor put his head to the table roughly.
"I did not think my poems vere that bad!" he cried. Ron patted his shoulder.
"Mate, maybe she's just in a mood? It is Valentine's Day, after all, and she's not with anyone…" It nearly broke Ron's heart to think that Hermione would be alone today. Nearly.
"Vell, she likes chocolates, yeah?" Viktor pressed hopefully. Ron nodded.
"Yeah. Do you want me to deliver those too, so it'll be more… err… dramatic when you ask her out?" Ron smirked. Viktor nodded, still beaten down by the reprimand Hermione had given him. Ron clapped his hand. Excellent.
After Viktor had given Ron the chocolates, he found his plan much more complicated than anticipated. Ron had to apparate to Diagon Alley, beg George for Chocolate Flavoured Puking Pasties, and skillfully remove chocolates from the box while still making it look unopened. After a good two hours, he had secured the box and sent it on its way to Hermione through her owl.
Her retching was heard, almost as loud as her screams, at precisely ten o'clock.
When Viktor heard she was sick, he almost bolted out the door and up to the castle to take care of her. Ron stopped him, saying girls hate it when guys see them sick. Viktor nodded dumbly. All Ron could think was that maybe Fred and George were right calling him 'Dumb Krum'.
"Vhat do ve do now? She is sick!" Viktor cried as he and Ron walked through the village.
"What was next on your list?" Ron asked innocently.
"Love letter." Viktor said simply, handing Ron the Letter, half written.
"Dearest Hermione." Ron began. "I miss you so much, and I think of you all the time. My heart burns for you, consuming me and burning until I'm sure it will kill me. I love you Hermione. You are the only girl I have ever dated, and I can't help but hope you'll be the only one. I love your hair, and your eyes, and your smile. Your face is always there when I close my eyes. Never leave me Hermione." Ron read. He felt sick. Viktor loved her? Disgusting. Ron had to stop him.
"Vill you send this vor me?" Viktor asked, quickly finishing it, holding the paper against the wall, and signing it. Ron smirked before nodding. This would be the easiest sabotage yet.
"Sure, mate. Anything for you." He grinned with fakeness, snatching the letter. "I'll take it to the owlery now." He waved good-bye as he walked toward the castle once more. Viktor waved back obliviously.
Once Ron reached the Owlery, he quietly muttered a spell, hoping no one else would interrupt, and changed the name at the beginning of the letter. "Dearest Violetta," it now read. Ron resealed the parchment note with an odd bounce, and sent the letter off, skipping down the stairs all the while.
Her fist hitting her cauldron resounded through the dungeons at 1:00 on the dot.
Viktor was in quite a state by the time Ron reached him once more. He was pacing his room, muttering to himself, as Ron opened the door.
"She hasn't said a word yet! She hasn't responded even slightly!" he cried hopelessly. Ron shook his head.
"Mate, you have to have more than some lousy chocolates and a letter. Birds are crazy." He said woefully. Viktor nodded with his usual emptiness.
"I do have this necklace…" Viktor said staring toward his closet.
"Brilliant! Just the thing for our girl. What's it like?" Ron grinned, rubbing his hands together excitedly.
Viktor sighed, and went to the closet, digging through heaps of organized robes. He handed a long box to the gangly ginger, who opened it excitedly. It was horrible. The chain was thick with a diamond stud on each link, and in the center was a great "H" covered in what Ron could only assume were real rubies. He wiped the awful image of Hermione wearing the gaudy thing from his mind, and gushed over it.
"Mate, what a choice! It fits her so well. She'll love it!" he grinned. Viktor smiled with him.
"I vill send this vun on my own." Viktor voiced, which caused Ron to panic momentarily.
"Sure mate," Ron nodded, thinking as fast as he could. "But, you've got to clean it! Do you know how to clean jewelry?" Ron pretended to worry. Viktor frowned and shook his hand.
"Whew!" Ron sighed in relief. "You should be right glad I grew up with a sister, and I do know. Just let me borrow it, and I'll bring it right back. I'll even wrap it for you!" he said helpfully. Viktor sighed gratefully.
"Vhat luck! I appreciate this very much." Viktor thanked, slapping Ron's back.
It took Ron an hour to find the right spell, and another half hour to get it just right. It was all worth it in the end though. The huge gaudy "H" soon read "Good Snog", which made the ridiculous neck chain even more horrid. He spent an hour and half trying to wrap the box the muggle way, not knowing the correct spell to do it the easy way. Finally, the wrapped box was returned to Viktor, who took it gratefully and sent it on its way.
"I vas thinking…" Viktor began.
"I highly doubt it." Ron muttered under his breath.
"Vhat?" Viktor asked. Ron shook his head.
"Go on," he prompted. Viktor nodded.
"Maybe I could make Hermy-own-ninny some food?" he asked, unsure if this was right. An idea sparked in Ron's head.
"That's bloody brilliant!" he smirked. "Go, make the food, and dine with her!" he urged. "You only have a couple hours, go!" he yelled, pushing the Bulgarian out the door.
Once Viktor was gone, Ron rushed to the castle kitchens.
"Winky! Winkywinkywinky!" Ron called, hoping the drunken elf was sober enough to help him. There was a shuffling from the closet.
"Master Weasley-Not-A-Twin called?' Winky squeaked the question. Ron nodded vigorously.
"I need your help." Ron pleaded the small creature.
"What is Master needing?" she asked, then hiccupped.
"None of that 'Master' stuff, Winky. You know Hermione hates that. Speaking of, it's Hermione I need help with…" he began. Winky stood up straighter.
"Mistress Granger is a crazy witch, but she is kind to Winky, so Winky will help Master Weasley. What is Master wanting Winky's help for?" she prompted.
Ron quickly explained Viktor's visit, and the history between the champion and Hermione, and then continued on to the sabotage of Hermione's gifts. Winky nodded uncaringly through the whole terrible story. When he had finished, he asked Winky his final favour.
"I need to you to come to the Room of Requirement, that's where I told Viktor to go for the meal, and ask Hermione if she liked the food you made." He asked.
"That would be lying, Master Weasley!" she cried. "Winky cannot lie!" Ron shook his head. Just drunk enough to stand up for herself. But in his heart he knew she was right.
"What if you did make the meal? What if Viktor's burned, and you replaced it for him?" he asked hopefully. Winky paused to think, and then nodded.
Ron entered the Room of Requirement with high hopes, especially once he smelled the smoke. Viktor had done the dirty work himself. As Ron approached his enemy, Viktor was holding a blackened roast.
"Vhat happened?" he whimpered. "Vhy did it burn?" he whispered hopelessly. Ron frowned.
"You cooked it too long. And now there's no way to get another in!" he sighed. Viktor hung his head. "You could… no…" Ron shook his head.
"Vhat? Anything!" he prompted. Ron smirked.
"The House Elves no doubt have one prepared, just in case." Ron said offhandedly.
"Yes! Thank you, Ronald!" he laughed, saying Ron's name for the first time. Ron wanted to hit him square in the face for it.
Viktor had the food set out in less than fifteen minutes, and Hermione appeared less than five minutes later. They dined happily for half an hour, before a loud crack arose, and Winky asked her single question.
Her hand hitting the side of his face was heard at exactly 7:00 that evening.
"Hermy-own-ninny! I did not know! I-I am sorry!" Viktor yelled over Hermione's tears.
"Sorry? This is the worst Valentine's Day ever because of you, and you're sorry?" she cried. Viktor hung his head.
"I just wanted you to be my-"Viktor began, but Ron stepped into the room, running right between the arguing pair.
"Be my Valentine?" Ron asked quickly. Hermione stared. "Listen, 'Mione. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't ask you to be my girl properly, but I was scared, you know? You saw my last relationship, and even though I know you're different, it ended badly. And then, Viktor here came to ask you to be his, and I couldn't lose you. So… so I sabotaged his gifts. The poem, I wrote it to make him sound bad. And the chocolates? I switched them. I made you sick. I changed the necklace to say "Good Snog", but I swear that's all I changed on it, I readdressed the letter, and I suggested Viktor use Winky's food. I'm sorry. But I did it all for you." Ron finished as hopefully as he had a year ago with his "ball of light" story.
"You idiot! You think I would have said yes to Krum?" she laughed. Ron turned red.
"Vhat?" Viktor frowned.
"I came here to tell him I was in love with you, Ronald!" she laughed. Ron smiled, and then pulled her into his arms awkwardly.
"I'm a thick-headed git, aren't I?" he whispered. Hermione nodded. Ron kissed her full on the lips. Viktor groaned.
"You can't be Valentine though." Hermione murmured into his lips. Ron frowned into her. "You ruined my entire day! I'll be your girl, but not your Valentine. Not this year." She laughed, snogging him again.
And Ron and Hermione were finally official at ten o'clock, give or take a minute.
It remains today Viktor, Hermione, and Ron's worst Valentine's Day, and also their favorite.