Niles stood working in the kitchen and thinking about the moans and squeaks that had erupted from the bedroom above his not too long before. How did that senile, old woman manage find a lover so easily? He was annoyed that she had a love life while he didn't.
"Goooood night, Niles," CC sang as she breezed into the kitchen. She was grinning broadly as she leaned over the island to place her mug into the sink.
"It is now!" Niles returned in the same happy tone, only a little more sarcastic.
"Oh, Niles..." CC laughed, "Dear, sweet, pompous Niles. Maxwell and Nanny Fine are on the outs and there is nothing you can say to ruin this glorious feeling I have." She lifted her hands as if framing her happy aura.
"Wanna bet?" He curled a finger to beckon her back towards him. Her grin had been too deep to disappear completely but the smile in her eyes began to quiver as she looked over at him, fearful of his news. They came together to stand side by side in front of the island.
"Grandma Yetta," he said, "aged 80... and living in a home... got a heap o' good lovin' last night... And you?" He lifted his hand to his ear, encouraging her to respond even though he knew what her answer would be. It's the reason he had asked anyway - to taunt her.
Her smile slowly dropped and she turned to the swinging door. "I hate my life!" She cried out as she trudged away, head hanging low.
Niles bowed dramatically and bellowed a proud, "Thank you!" to an imagined audience.
His moment of self-congratulation didn't last. CC stormed back into the kitchen, most unexpectedly.
"You know, you're one to talk!" She scolded, pointing a finger at him.
"Excuse me?"
"You're in the same boat, Mr. Pot Calling Me Black!
Damn. She got me there, he thought.
"What makes you think I don't get some side action every now and then?" He raised an eyebrow, hoping to fool her.
She rolled her eyes and waved her hand around the room. "Uh, you never leave this mansion for one! At least I go out and meet people." She folded her arms with an annoyingly smug look on her face.
"'Meet' being the operative word." He said.
"What is that supposed to mean?" She asked.
"I don't doubt you meet people. I doubt that you get them into your bed - without drugging and abducting them of course." He smirked.
She narrowed her eyes and hissed in frustration. "I could easily pick up a man."
"Yes, with those enormous arms, I'm sure you could," he chuckled at his own joke.
She fumed in rage. "Fine! A challenge! Finish up here! You're coming out with me and we'll see who's better at picking up a lover for the night!"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Why not? As long as you're not taking me to a lesbian bar," he teased, "because that's no fair!"
"I am not a lesbian!" She banged her fist on the table.
He chuckled as he tidied up the last bit of dishes and pulled off his apron while she drummed her fingernails on the countertop in impatience.
"Ready when you are," he said.
With a curt nod of her head she turned and pushed her way through the swinging door. "Grab your coat. We're going to a new bar that just opened up near my place."
"A bar opened near your place? Does Mr. Sheffield know you're going to start being late for work a little more often? And that if he hugged you too hard, I'd have to mop up the spill of martinis?" He grinned. Two birds, one stone.
"Ha-ha," she said sarcastically as he helped her put on her coat before he opened the front door and guided her out.
They hopped into her BMW and as she pulled out of the parking spot, she glanced at him. "Buckle up, Niles. If there's any chance of an accident, I'll be swerving your side into the collision."
"Oh, I doubt that. All of your years of drunk-driving and you're still alive... You must be an expert when you're actually sober." He clicked his safety belt into place despite his words.
They exchanged barbs throughout the 20-minute journey.
"Whatever!" CC exclaimed as they got out of the car. "Don't look so smug, toilet bowl. I'm already one step ahead of you."
"How so?" He asked as they entered the bar."
"Even if you do pick up a woman tonight, and that's a fat chance, you have no way to take her home. I drove." She laughed evilly as she stepped up to the bar counter and looked around before taking a seat on a vacant barstool.
He joined her but sat facing the room. "What makes you think I'd need to take her home to get lucky?"
CC looked at him in shock. "Ugh. I forgot how disgusting the working class can be." He ordered a pair of whiskeys on the rocks and she downed hers immediately, causing him to shake his head in disapproval.
She raised a finger to the barman to request a top-up.
Niles decided to down his too after she raised her second glass to clink with his. He knew she was challenging him. In her mind she was already winning when it came to drinking.
He ordered his second glass, still grimacing at the burn of the first whiskey as it travelled its way down his oesophagus.
She laughed. "Struggling to keep up there, Bell Boy?"
"The real competition has nothing to do with this."
"Speak for yourself. If I don't find someone attractive in here, I'll need hard liquor to get myself to take home a mutt just to prove you wrong."
"Yes, stick to your own species. Although 'mutt' is somewhat of an offensive term don't you think, girl?" He patted her head.
She slapped his hand away and looked around the room. She spotted a few regulars. She had never been attracted to any of them the last few times she'd been there. She hoped someone new would show up soon.
At least I have a better chance, CC mused. There are only two women here. And they're both hideous! She snorted at the sight of Niles's options.
"What's so funny?" He asked, following her eyes to the two women in the corner of the bar as the bartender refilled their whiskeys for the third time. The women were dressed quite provocatively. "Oh, are those some of your streetwalking colleagues, Miss Babcock?"
"No, I'm laughing because- NO!" She slammed her glass onto the bar counter after downing the third drink and scrunching her face at the taste.
He snorted a laugh at her delayed registering of his comment. He loved it when it took her a while to really hear his taunt. It was like an extended victory.
"Those two hookers are your only options right now so I wouldn't get cocky," she spat.
"You mean three."
She jabbed him in the stomach with a perfectly manicured finger. "I'm neither a hooker nor an option for you so shut it, Niles!" She warned.
"I'd beg to differ. I could charm your socks off if I wanted to." He said.
She scoffed at his misdirected confidence. "You wish!"
He looked at her and watched her grab a handful of nuts from a bowl on the bar counter. He wrapped his fingers around her wrist. "Don't eat those. Do you know how many germs are on there?"
"I don't care."
"I do. If I were the poor, unfortunate man to be kissing you later I wouldn't want those germs passed into my mouth."
Her tummy dropped at the sudden image of him kissing her. She refocused and sneered at him. "I'm going to be finding an attractive man in here soon and I'm going to win this bet. Don't talk garbage to distract me just because you don't have any prospects!" She laughed and she dropped the nuts back into the bowl.
He released her wrist, happy that she hadn't eaten them. He wasn't sure why.