SQA
Your Star
Disclaimer: Own nothing but the plot. The song is owned my Evanescence, as much as we wish we were we cannot be the awesomeness that is Amy Lee.
A/N
...
I sat on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, but not seeing. I'd just had the biggest revelation of my 'new' life. I am Revan. Well I used to be at any rate. The Republic captured my former self and gave me a new identity. The identity of Helena Tithe.
Now, practically the whole crew doesn't really care that I was once a Dark Lady of the Sith. Nope. Except for one.
Carth. My Carth. He feels I betrayed him and everyone else on the crew. He won't believe me when I say that Revan isn't who I am anymore. This hurts more than anything I've ever felt before in my life. Why? Because I love him.
"I can't see your star. Though I patiently waited, bedside, for the death of today. I can't see your star."
It's been three days, six hours and twenty-two minutes since the Leviathan, and the last time Carth spoke to me. The rest of the crew had tried to get me up and about, but all their attempts failed after I saw the look of disgust and pain in Carth's eyes. Now, I just lie here in my bunk praying that this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up to find we haven't even been on the Leviathan yet.
"And I'm alone now, me and all I stood for. We're wandering now. All in parts and pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out."
As I haven't been to the bridge to plot the course to Manaan, I don't even know where we are or where we're headed. I heard Mission talking to Zalbaar a few days ago, she said that the crew have all been quiet and closed off, she thinks it has to do with the fact I'm not going about the ship like normal. Normally I'm making a fool out of myself, much to the amusement of everybody, chatting at random with anyone, getting frustrated with HK and his need to kill all the gizka, and Carth chasing me around the ship when I'd steal his jacket. I choked a sob at the last memory. I'd done that the day before my little forced epiphany.
"So far away. It's growing colder without your love. Why can't you feel me calling your name? Can't break the silence, It's breaking me."
At times when I'm reminiscing about all the time I've spent with Carth, I just want to scream. Like, I want to scream out his name in hope he'll stop ignoring me and listen to what the crew and I are trying to say. Yeah that'll be the day that gizka fly. At night, I call his name through the Force, hoping that he'll hear it subconsciously and come to see me. But, I feel as if I've lost all power of speech. I have things I want to say, but the feelings of pain, sadness, and anger keep me from breaking the silence between us.
"Now, I have nothing worth fighting for. We're wandering now, all in parts and pieces, swim lonely, f ind your own way out."
I realize that I can't keep on going like this, but I feel broken down to my core. Carth was my support system. The thing that kept me going. Without him, not to be melodramatic, I feel like I've nothing to live for. I don't know what he's thinking, but I can only hope that he sees past the dark figure clouding his gaze and see who I am now.
"I can't see your star. I can't see your star."