Summary: AU. Too many words can either lead to something good, or it can end the best thing that ever happened to you. Christmas Fic!
Warnings: Yaoi below! Well... Implied, somewhat.
Pairings: AkuRoku main. Zeymx on the side.
Disclaimers: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. D:
A/N: I'm dead tired and I rushed to get this stupid thing out. D: Started it last night, finished it today. GOD. SIX-SEVEN HOURS OF MY LIFE I WILL NOT GET BACK. And all for a shit ending! FUCK... Well, Merry Christmas, lurkers. I hope you all get what you wanted, or at least something you wanted. Hopefully, I get KH: 358/2! x3 But that's still up in the air. D:
I'm working on WtO, chapter three is almost done, but I'm debating on what I want the ending of the chapter to be... I'll try to get it out within a week! I LOVE YOU ALL. ON WITH THE SMUT, wait. No. OH WITH THE SADNESS.
SOBSOBSOB.
Axel didn't know how it came to this. He didn't understand how he could just stand here and watch, just watch as the one person that completed him, the one person that made him better vanished into thin air, sliding through his fingers just like the pounding rain hitting him. He didn't understand why he couldn't move, couldn't make a sound, couldn't blink or breathe as that spot of blond hair became more and more blurry, less and less distinguishable as precipitation dripped into his green eyes from dark lashes. The distance between them grew with each drop of water. He didn't understand how it came to this, how it came to this from that; that perfect, loving relationship that no one could take from him and his lover. The same perfect, loving relationship that went up in flames, that kept burning until there was nothing left, not even ashes to possibly salvage anything from. It was all there, all held in Axel's capable, protective, loyal hands. He just… he didn't understand, he didn't know how it had slipped in between his fingers like nothing but water. But no, it wasn't even water. He could have saved it if it was water, could have held onto some small piece of it if it had been water. It had to be something else... Air, something he could never in his life hope to contain in his hands. Something that could come and go as it pleased. Something that was doing just that…
And that something that was already long gone by the time the sky cleared up, by the time Axel could mutter a single, heartbroken phrase…
Axel stood in the middle of an empty, forgotten street. He stared down at the cracked, decaying gray concrete that held so many tales of what had transpired on that single street. It whispered those tales to him, told him of the male who had stood there every day for five months, the male who had stood there and looked down the street hoping to sight blond hair waiting at the other end. The male who had just stood there as he watched the greatest thing in his life leave without a single word spoken, a single glance thrown back, a single show of acknowledgement at actually leaving behind the life that the blond haired man had lived. The decaying, cracked gray concrete whispered back the words, the actions, the unspoken thoughts that had occurred in that same forgotten, empty street all those months ago…
An angry redhead strode after a retreating blond figure as a sky grew dark with encroaching night and rain. He reached out, grabbed a small wrist and yanked, pulled, whipping the smaller boy around to face him. His green eyes glared into a set of stunningly blue ones, a set of ones that glared back just as fiercely.
"Now wait just a minute, Roxas," He hissed into the upturned face, pulling the smaller boy closer. Roxas put a hand onto the taller boy's chest, keeping them at a distance from each other because they couldn't get too close. No, because 'too close' is within snapping, kissing, biting distance. That just wouldn't do. "What do you mean you're leaving?"
"Exactly that. I'm leaving you, this town, this life. I'm so sick of your shit, Axel!" Roxas quickly spat at the older boy who had opened his mouth in retort. "I'm so sick of living like we're a perfect couple to fool your friends, my friends. I'm so sick of lying to my brother saying that 'Oh yeah, we're doing just fine. We couldn't be happier!' I'm so sick of saying everything is fine, is going to be fine when all we ever do is yell at each other!"
Axel scowled at the shorter boy, yanking him even closer so that he could properly look him in the eye. "I never told you to lie to your brother; I never told you to say that everything is fine or going to be fine. I never told you to do anything, Rox."
"That's just it!" Roxas shoved the redhead away, successfully stealing his now red wrist back, and retreated a few steps back so he could remain a safe distance away. After all, Axel had a knack for getting violent when angry enough, and he didn't want to be the one to suffer any longer. "You never say anything! So when I do something you don't like, I better watch my fucking head! Because it's, 'Bad, Roxas! You should have known that Axel wouldn't like you hanging out with that Hayner guy so much! Who cares if he's your best friend? You might be fucking him behind your fucking boyfriend's back!'"
"I never said that!" Axel roared while taking a threatening step forward, Roxas taking another step back to keep the distance.
"You never say anything!" Roxas screeched as two arms were thrown high in the air, voice cracking on the last word. "You never say if you don't like that I don't spend enough time with you, you never say that I don't spend enough time at home, you never say that we need to go on a date or just go out anywhere, you never even say that you love me anymore!"
Axel immediately opened his mouth to deny the last statement, to say that just last night he had said that he, in fact, did love the small blond. He would have said it, would have repeated it fifty times if only it were actually true. But then… When did he say it? His green eyes flickered to the side, hoping to see the answer to his silent question in the fading graffiti written on the old brick wall. He searched and searched his brain for the answer; he searched because he knew that he had said it to the boy just a little while ago.
A low, disgusted snort made the green eyes train back on Roxas. The small face was turned down, blond bangs falling and covering expressive blue eyes. His small hands were fisted tightly, arms and shoulders shaking from what Axel guessed was anger, but what he saw when the face was lifted… The face Axel usually loved to look at, the face that he could stare at for hours and never tire of made him want to never see anything again.
It was blank, like a slate washed and washed until there was nothing left to look at but blank stone. No emotion pulled at the lips, no emotion tugged the gold eyebrows down or up - nothing. The eyes, the impossibly sky blue eyes were vastly different than the face… There was tears lining the edges of the sockets, tears making them shine and gleam, tears that screamed defeat. Defeat and anguish and utter heartbreak. It broke Axel's heart to see his undefeatable, indestructible boyfriend so ruined and… he looked so pitiful, especially when a horribly fake smile cursed the crestfallen expression. It hurt to look at the blond, so much so that Axel had to look away in order to not tear up at the sight.
"I, I knew that it would be near impossible to gain and keep your love. Demyx and Zexion and God, so many other people told me the same thing," A shaking hand, a hand Axel knew was shaking in misery, raked through blond spikes hastily, shining blue eyes darting away when green eyes tried to find them. "They told me that, that you had never had a serious relationship before, that all of your previous ones were only for the sex. And I… I didn't want to believe them, I didn't believe them. I thought, I thought that I could show them that they were wrong, that you could find someone to love you and eventually love them in return," An agonizing laugh, a laugh making Axel wince horribly and look down.
"I thought that I could get you to love me because God knows that I already loved you. And at first, it seemed as though you did love me. It even seemed like what we had could work out into something better," There was a long pause in which Axel held his breath. "But we didn't have anything to work out, did we?" A quiet murmur not intended for the redhead.
"That's not true—" Axel started, taking a desperate step forward, but he immediately broke off when a blank face stared at him, accompanied with two shining eyes.
"If we did have something," Roxas murmured like the other had never spoken. "Then it would never have escalated to this. It would never have led to constant fighting, and constant yelling and hitting, and countless, sleepless nights in separate rooms, and fake smiles and laughs, and—God damn it, Axel!" The sudden shout of his name startled the redhead into looking into fierce, teary eyes.
"Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't love me?"
"I do love you!" Axel replied defensively, throwing an arm to the side to emphasize his point.
"Then why didn't this work out?" The whispered, beaten question made the redhead freeze where he was. Blue eyes snapped up to look into green ones. "Why didn't you ever fight for me when I threatened to leave you all those months ago? Why didn't you ever fight for me when I threatened to leave you just last week?"
Axel's mouth opened and closed wordlessly, nothing forming in either his throat or thoughts.
"Why didn't you ever stop yelling at me when I came home late from work? Why didn't you ever believe me when I said that I was late and not fucking around?" Roxas' voice started to get louder and louder. "Why didn't you ever just stop and take a step back, just fucking stop yelling and realize that I wasn't lying to you when you would lash out at me? Why didn't you ever stop to think that maybe violence wasn't the way to react to your accusations?"
A light rain started to fall as green eyes were cast down while the blond continued ranting, and suddenly the redhead's pale hands started to burn and ache at the thought of ever hitting his boyfriend. His stomach started to churn at the thought of ever attacking the person he loved most. But now, standing in front of the boy he had hit and yelled at and abused for the past month, he was being told he had done just that. He didn't even have to think about it for the memories to come to mind, the memories he had repressed without his own knowledge. He wondered why he had ever thought to make those memories and possibly scar the small blond. He felt sick. It started to rain harder as the seconds drug on.
"Why don't you love me?"
The question made Axel look up quickly to see a tear streaked face looking at him with all of the remorse and anguish that the blond held within him the past few months. It made him feel even sicker, and he croaked his response.
"I do love you."
"Then why didn't you ever say so?"
Axel swallowed a few times, trying fruitlessly to make his voice work as he drew up a blank. Another fake smile adorned Roxas' sad expression, and Axel could feel his eyes well up with tears.
"I see."
Axel was soon watching a retreating boy, a boy he had lost just as effortlessly as he had gained. And as he stared at the boy's back, working his throat in a weak attempt to say something, he felt just as defeated and heartbroken as the ruined ex-lover...
He didn't know how much time had passed since he once again remembered the night his life fell apart. He didn't know how long he had just stood there, staring at the ground. He didn't know how long it had been since the tears had stopped falling every time he came back here, every time he remembered, lived, breathed the night that Roxas had walked out of his life. He didn't even know how long it had been since he had stopped giving a damn about his work, his friends, and his life in general. Everything he did, everything he thought about, everything he bothered talking about was how much he regretted not saying anything to keep Roxas there, how much he regretted not trying harder to keep Roxas from leaving, how much it hurt everyday to go on without that blond, that spot of sunshine in his life. All he knew was that he missed the man like no other.
There was a hole in his chest from where his heart had been, from where the blond boy had reached in without even knowing it and ripped, pulled, tore the beating thing right out in only a matter of minutes. Roxas had done it by only giving a fake smile which painfully contradicted his gloomy expression, ripped it out by murmuring two every day words that sounded like a death chime to Axel, tore it out by just turning around and walking away in the rain, no more words spoken.
Axel's friends had been astonished to see him walk into his own apartment drenched and quiet an hour or two after he had stormed out, tailing his fuming lover. They were even more surprised when he slowly closed the door after him, his rigid back facing the room and stood there holding the door knob in his cold hand. It had been quiet, deathly so, as every eye in the room stayed trained on the tall man by the door. It had been so quiet and still that when Axel had whispered a choked curse, it sounded as if a gunshot had gone off, and Axel collapsed to his knees as if he had been hit. Every pair of feet was instantly on the ground, supporting their owners as the redhead started shaking and soon sobbing. His hands still clutched desperately at the doorknob, his knuckles pale as snow, and only one person moved forward little by little, moving at a pace fit for a snail.
"Axel?" The person had asked quietly, afraid of speaking too loud in case it made the usually static man snap. However, it only made the sobs more pronounced and heart wrenching as pale hands slipped from the door handle and landed on the wood floor audibly. The room occupants winced at the sound of bone on wood, watching the trembling man with sad, confused gazes. Never had they seen the redhead cry or so weakness. They had never even seen him give a genuine smile. Although, that all changed when Roxas had stepped into the other man's life. Suddenly, Axel was smiling all the time and laughing so loud that his friends were worried that he had gone insane after all the years of seclusion. Then they became an item, and never had Axel's friends seen him so happy. Sure, the two lovers had their fair share of fights, but… what could have made the tall man break down and just utterly crumble?
The person had eventually gotten to the redhead's side and extended a barely tan hand. It hesitated for a moment before touching the man's shaking shoulder.
"Axel? Are you okay?"
Green eyes snapped over to gaze into sea green, and suddenly he was standing in the empty street again with the old graffiti fading on the equally old brick wall. The concern in the sea green eyes made the redhead suddenly ashamed to be found standing in that street, for the fifteenth time. His green eyes traveled down to look at the gray concrete he had become so familiar with over the past months. A snowflake fell onto the concrete, melting instantly to form a small black patch.
"Axel?" The question was hesitant, the hand resting on his shoulder squeezing in an attempt to get the taller man to speak. Axel swallowed a few times to wet his throat and force down the lump that had somehow formed in his throat.
"Dem." An immediate sigh issued from the mullet haired man who hung his head slightly, squeezing Axel's bony shoulder harder before releasing it.
"C'mon, Axel. Let's get you home before it gets any colder," Demyx said as he turned slowly, his head continuing to hang in what Axel now realized was disappointment. At him. It made him feel even more ashamed at not being able to break his petty habit of coming to this place every day since Roxas had left. Demyx had once told him that the place would eventually be the death of the redhead, seeing as how he hadn't even worn a coat despite the cold that accompanied the winter season. Demyx had even ordered him to stop coming back to the street because it wouldn't help Axel move on in the least.
Watching the mullet haired boy's back made Axel's heart stutter horribly in his chest as, suddenly, Demyx shrunk in size and his hair grew brighter and messier. His jacket grew darker in color until it became a black one, and his jeans now became a navy blue with a missing back pocket. The falling snow reminded him of rain as it made spots of the concrete turn darker.
Roxas.
He couldn't breathe. His hand clutched the front of his shirt where his heart should have been as the whole in his chest started to ache and throb with each non-existent beat. He gasped in an effort to get air in his lungs, gasping again and again as each try failed. His legs gave out under him, his knees hitting the pavement without any register of the fact. His hand soon followed, the only thing supporting him for a brief moment before he was on his side, hand fisting the front of his shirt until he could faintly feel his blunt nails through it.
"Axel?" The sound of running feet and a hand against the side of his face. He blearily saw blond hair and indigo eyes staring at him in horror before his eyes drifted shut, lungs continuing to gasp desperately for air.
Roxas…
"Zexion! Zexion, help me!" A bellow tore from the person whose hand was still pressed against the side of his dampening face.
Why…?
Another pair of feet pounded toward the two on the ground, a startled question directed toward the one on his knees. "He's hyperventilating. God, Zexion! How do I stop it?" Axel was turned onto his back, his hand roughly pried from the front of his shirt and forced to his side. A calmer, soothing voice reached him.
"Axel, listen to me."
That sounds a lot like Roxas…
"Listen to me, Axel. Take deep breathes."
Roxas, why…?
"Take deep breathes, Axel. Do it, Axel. Come on, take deep breathes for me."
Why did you leave…?
"That's it. Keep going, Axel. Relax and breathe normally."
Why did you leave me all alone…?
"Good, Axel. Can you talk to me?"
Roxas…
"We're going to take you home, Axel. Can you stand?"
Oh, God…
"Axel?"
I miss you so much…
"Axel, stay awake. Don't fall asleep on me, okay? Axel?"
Roxas, I miss you.
"Axel! Stay awake! Open your eyes!"
Come back…
Muffled voices drifted into the redhead's bedroom, rousing the man from his sleep and making his head pound softly. He groaned, shifting and soon rolling over in an attempt to try and get comfortable before fading back into nothing. The thought made him smile a small, desperate smile because when he was nothing, he felt no regrets or pain. He became a nobody, leaving his somebody behind as a hollow shell, a heartless vessel that felt nothing but the urge to gain back its long lost heart. And if he was a nobody, he, too, would feel nothing, not even the urge to gain back a heart. Because if his somebody only wanted his heart back, then why would his nobody wish for the same thing when it would not benefit him? So yes, he would welcome nothingness with every fiber left in his slowly dying body, he would desire the feeling of nothingness. He didn't want this pain anymore…
A sudden shout sounded from outside of the room, startling Axel back from the edge of blissful oblivion. It irritated him for a brief moment before more shouting issued, gaining what little curiosity the redhead had. It was enough to get him to throw his socked feet off of the bed and pad over to the cracked door. Opening it wide enough for him to slip out quickly and quietly, he tip-toed down the hall and pressed himself against the wall when he neared the living room.
"You're going to wake Axel up!" The hiss sounded a lot like Zexion when he was in a piss-y mood, and a snort responded to the slate haired man's hiss.
"That idiot can sleep through anything," A feminine voice said, and Axel wondered what the hell Larxene was doing in his apartment.
"Yeah, but he hasn't been himself ever since Roxas left," It was Demyx that said this, a cruel, disgusted tone in his voice. Axel winced slightly at the voice, wondering if it was him that Demyx was mad at or if it was his ex-lover.
It was quiet in response to the mullet haired man's statement, and Axel looked down at his feet, thinking about whether or not it was too late to start acting like he was getting over the little blond kid that had ruined him. The thought made him smile snidely because God knows that he would love Roxas until his last, dying breath.
"Start from the beginning," The quiet, baritone voice of Luxord said followed by the sound of shuffling cards. Axel pressed himself harder against the wall, wondering and despairing over the fact that the whole gang would be present in his living room.
There was a sigh before Demyx launched into his tale about how he had arrived at Axel's apartment only to find the redhead gone. Worrying a little, he proceeded to call up Zexion and the two had gone and searched all of the redhead's hiding places. The last place they were willing to search for the night had been the secluded, barren street that they had found Axel on. And according to Demyx, he had been standing there and staring at the ground like the previous times that he had been found lurking there. When approached, Axel was said to not have heard Demyx' footsteps, and only when touched did he react. Then Demyx' voice started to get thinner and thinner as he spoke of how he had only turned his back on the redhead and started walking, thinking that the other was following. That was when he heard Axel fall and discovered that the taller man was hyperventilating. Zexion took over for Demyx, seeing as how the mullet haired man broke off. The slate haired man said simply that he prevented Axel from hyperventilating for too long, and after he had stopped him, the redhead passed out. That was when Zexion called Luxord to help him carry the unconscious man back home.
"So you're saying that he had another break down," Larxene started gently, pausing for a reason that Axel couldn't name. "After he had one last week?"
"That's what I'm saying," Zexion said for both him and Demyx, and the room grew quiet. It stayed that way for a few minutes, Axel just about to leave and go back to his room when Demyx spoke up, a broken tone to his usually cheerful voice.
"I found Axel with a razor blade a day ago,"
A stiff, tense silence fell over the occupants of the room, Axel cursing Demyx for revealing something he had promised the redhead he would keep under wraps.
"I—He wasn't trying to, to do anything stupid, right?" Larxene sounded weird when she was worried and disbelieving. It almost sounded like she had a heart and actually knew how to use it.
"No, Larxene, he was just going to shave the stubble off of his chin," Demyx said in a way that sounded like he was crinkling crisped paper. Axel heard a sigh from the blond haired girl, a relieved one that made the redhead furrow his brows. "Of course he was going to do something stupid, you thick headed bitch!"
Axel jumped at Demyx' bellow and sunk low on the wall, possibly fearing that the man would unleash his fury upon the redhead who had brought it about. Larxene made an indignant sound before Axel heard her feet slam on the ground as she stood up.
"Well, excuse me for trying to believe that our friend wasn't going to commit suicide over—"
"Don't you dare say that Roxas was a gutless, futile asshole because you know that the kid was anything but that!" Demyx roared back at Larxene, the sound of a chair falling on the floor preceding his interruption.
"How can you say that when he just up and left Axel? How can you possibly defend the person who took and destroyed our friend?" Larxene's voice started to sound shrill as she reached the end of her scream.
"Demyx, calm down," Zexion tried to placate his lover, probably grabbing the taller man's arm and attempting to pull him down onto a seat.
"Because Roxas helped Axel! He brought Axel back to us when we thought we would lose him forever!" Demyx shouted back to the woman as if his boyfriend had never spoken. "Don't you remember how hollow and fake all of his smiles looked? Don't you remember how painful it was to hear him laugh like he was happy when he obviously wasn't?"
There was no reply to the blond haired man's yell, no noise or anything as Demyx waited for something that he knew would never come.
"Well, I do," He said in a normal voice, hoarser because of yelling. "And I'm fucking glad that Roxas was here to bring out the best in him and give us our friend back. I'm glad that I got to see what Axel can really be like, even if it was at the cost of his happiness. But I'm telling you now, you fucking bitch. I will get Axel to be happy again, if it's the last thing I do. If that requires me standing by his side and taking razors out of his hands, if that requires me to never leave him alone for more than a day or two, then so fucking be it. But I will never say, never say, that I hate Roxas coming into our lives and then leaving them. It's not his fault that something didn't work out between him and Axel. It's not his fault, so don't you ever say it is…"
"Then are you saying it's my fault?" All of the eyes snapped to the lean figure of the redhead standing at the end of the hallway leading into the sitting room. There was a sharp intake of breath from the mullet haired man still standing as he looked at his friend's bowed redhead. At the silence, green eyes brimmed with tears of misery and fury looked up harshly, narrowing on the wide indigo eyes staring back.
"Are you saying it's my fault that Roxas left me?"
"I—No, Axel, that's not what I was saying—" Demyx stuttered, looking away from the burning gaze on him.
"Then what are you saying, Demyx?!" Axel roared, all of the pent up emotions from the last five months pouring out of him. "Tell me what you're saying, because it sounds a lot like what Roxas was saying to me when he left!"
The blond haired man gaped at him, a choked noise falling out of his open mouth. Green eyes scanned the room, taking in the wide eyes of the other three people that had yet to speak since the redhead's arrival.
"Tell me what the fuck I did wrong that made Roxas leave me! It seems like you understand, and I sure as hell don't!" The redhead took a few threatening steps forward, Zexion and Luxord rising to their feet in case they needed to intervene if the angry man lashed out at the cowering one. "So tell me what you know, Demyx! Tell me what I don't fucking know about my own ex-boyfriend!"
Demyx opened and closed his mouth, fighting for words as he avoided the green gaze like the plague. Axel panted from his yelling, glaring at his best friend and then sighing as he looked down. He had honestly thought that he would feel better after ranting to someone, after taking out all of his anger and frustration at someone, but now he only felt more hollow and miserable. The tears in his eyes burned more.
"Get out," He whispered to everyone in the room, and when he got no response, he snapped his gaze up sharply and bellowed, "Get the fuck out!"
Only Demyx hurried to the door, wrenching it open and disappearing down the hallway. Zexion and Luxord just stared at him and Larxene frowned at him.
"You can't be serious—"
"Get the fuck out of my apartment!" Axel bellowed again, stepping toward the now scared woman who scampered after the long gone Demyx. Only Zexion and Luxord remained, still staring at him with tight lines as mouths. Axel used a different approach for them, sighing and looking to the side. "Please, leave."
The whispered plea made Luxord sigh before pocketing his cards and walking toward the door without a single word. Zexion frowned at the redhead before striding to the door, pausing halfway through it.
"Don't do anything you might regret later, Axel." He closed the door quietly after him, leaving Axel alone in his silent apartment for the first time that day.
Axel sighed, gingerly sitting down on his coach and holding his pounding head in his hands. The tears no longer burned his eyes, but they left little trails in their wake as they wet the hands of the broken redhead. And they continued to wet the hands silently, Axel having no energy to lift his head up and suck up all of his agony. So he sat there and cried about something that could never be changed, so he sat there and cried over someone who probably didn't care anymore.
It had been six months since Roxas left, six months since Axel's life fell apart. It had been two months since Demyx started finding Axel in that empty street, two months since Axel stopped crying every time he was in the street. It had been a month since Axel tried to kill himself, a month since Axel had his last break down. And it had been three weeks since Demyx started to notice a change in Axel, three weeks since Axel stopped going to the empty street. He had made a lot of hard earned progress in the past three weeks, progress he didn't want to lose anytime soon. So why was he standing in that empty street again after avoiding it? Why did he want to torture himself after slowly started to patch up the gaping hole in his chest?
He sighed to himself and ducked his head further down into his scarf, trying to hide his numb nose from the cold. Christmas is in a few days, he silently told himself as he watched the snow fall from the sky, knowing that it was no excuse to be standing in the cold and remembering past things. However, he felt that he should give himself one more chance to stand in the secluded street, to simply stand there and remember the what ifs that had plagued him for months. He felt that he should remember some small piece about this place that wasn't sad or agonizing. He wanted to give himself some sense of peace whenever he thought about the night that made his life go up in flames, the night that made his life burn until there was nothing left but ashes that he was slowly rebuilding into something new. He closed his eyes at the thought of rebuilding something magnificent, something that would make his friends proud of, something he could be proud of. It made him smile happily and breathe deeply, savoring the smell of clean, crisp air.
Crunching came from behind him, followed by a sharp intake of breathe, ruining the moment of peace for Axel. He sighed and opened his eyes slowly, taking one more deep breath of fresh winter air before slowly turning around.
"Dem, I'm sorry. I just wanted to come one more time to give myself some sense of—" Axel froze, his body half turned around, his head turned to look at the figure standing at the end of the road and his hands half pulled out of his coat pockets. His green eyes widened in shock and disbelief, his non-existent heart stuttering to a stop before thundering away. His hands grew clammy and his mind started screaming out thoughts of agony and misery and what little of his life burning and crumbling away to nothing. His breathes came out in slight gasps, and he idly wondered if he was going to have a panic attack after a month without them.
"I, I—what are you doing here?"
The stuttered question made Axel's mind snap back to reality, and he turned around fully to face the man that had left him broken and ruined. Amazingly, he didn't feel one ounce of hate or anger at the sight of the other man. And he soon found his face trained into a blank one.
"I came here every day for over five months," Axel murmured dispassionately, staring at the blond with blank green eyes. "I waited here every day for hours thinking that you would come back. Three weeks ago, I stopped coming back because I gave up on ever seeing you again, I gave up on torturing myself. The only reason I came back today was to give myself some sense of closing, some sense of peace. But… I see what giving up has brought me."
Roxas stared at the redhead with horrified eyes before he scowled and walked forward a few steps.
"What do you mean? Are you saying that I ruined your life by leaving?"
"Yes."
"Fuck you, Axel. You never cared about me, so how can you say that I ruined you?"
"Because I did love you, and when you left, I felt like I had nothing left to live for," Axel felt his face mess into a slight scowl, his eyes showing his emotions over the last six months faintly. "I loved you so much that when I realized that I might never see you again, that I might never love someone like I loved you, I tried to kill myself."
Roxas blanched at the information given to him, focusing disbelieving eyes on his ex-lover.
"Great help that did. Demyx found me before I could actually try, and then he would never leave me alone for a long period of time."
"You're lying," Roxas murmured lowly, bowing his head so blond bangs could conceal his eyes.
"No, I'm not," Axel spit acidly, glaring at the shorter man. "You have no idea the kind of hell I went through after you left, the depression I deal with day after day. You have no idea how much I missed you, how much I cried—Damn it, Roxas! You couldn't even guess at how many nights I laid and cried over how much you probably hated me, over how much pain I caused you by being with you, over how I lost the best thing in my life!"
Roxas remained quiet, staring at the snow packed concrete below his feet.
"You don't even realize that when you left me, my whole life burst into flames. It just burned and burned and burned until all that was left was ashes. And all I did for months was stare at them and cry and wonder if you would come back and magically restore what they used to be. I did that for months, until Demyx made a stand and demanded that I never come back here anymore and wait for you. I didn't listen to him, and that same day I managed to yell at my best friend, scare the shit out of him, make my friends want to never see my face again, and all because I missed you."
Axel laughed bitterly as he ran a gloved hand through his hair. His eyes burned slightly with tears that he never wanted to shed as he stared at the bowed head of the blond.
"Three weeks ago, I started to pick up the ashes and put them back together again. Demyx noticed, and he forgave me for taking out all of my shit on him. But now, now you've come back and ruined what little I've managed to build. And you tell me that I'm lying? Fat load of shit that is."
Axel walked forward; walking passed the blond without even glancing at him.
"Merry fucking Christmas, Roxas. I hope you get everything you wished for and more. I sure as hell did."
Axel didn't know how it came to this. He didn't know how he had gone from playing the victim to playing the hero that vanquished the villain. He didn't know how he managed to walk away from the blond that had ruined his life, and he didn't know how he found the strength to walk away from the boy that had stepped back into his life. He didn't understand any of it, and he sure as hell wasn't going to question the play of fate. All he did understand, all he did know was that he still loved the boy with all of non-existent heart. He still loved the boy that had set fire to his life, the boy that had walked away as the redhead burned. He didn't know how he could still love something that caused him so much pain, but that little spark of pain made him feel alive. It made him realize that you can rebuild something from only ashes, that you can love the thing that destroyed you. And he walked away with the patched hole in his chest throbbing, breathing in the crisp, clean air of winter, and feeling the burning blue gaze on his back.
God knows that he will love the blond haired boy until his last, dying breathe, but God also knows that too many words can lead to the end of something too good.