My first time voyaging into Bleach. Hope I serve it justice!

This is Crack, pure and utter crack. Anything goes here. Yaoi, Yuri, Het. Randomness with a plot in a nutshell. Kinda. About the plot at least.

Request any thing you want and I'll try to put it in. Don't worry nobody will be too terribly out of character.

Welcome to Office Wars. May the apocalypse begin.

1-[Aizan Sousuke]

I walked through the white halls of Las Noches in the morning, inspecting the enormous palace that lay in the ever-shifting, white sands of Hueco Mundo and the inhabitants that dwelled in it.

And I was not pleased with what I found. So far I had to remove several Arrancars from my employ due to a series of "accidents". Luckily, though, they were only insignificant Números. Cannon fodder, so to speak. That did not mean that they weren't still useful. But really, if I had to I would just make more with the Hougyoku.

It was still annoying though. Especially when the whole reason they were permanently removed was because of a fight over paper clips. Paper clips.

Small, metal, office-oriented supplies used for holding papers together.

I had found four of my dear Arrancars flinging Bala's and Cero's at each other over smoldering piles of said metal clips. It was…very disturbing. Apparently they had stumbled upon them in a storage closet when the hallways had redirected them away from the training rooms.

One thing led to another and they were trying to kill each other over who could keep the "shiny instruments of possible doom."

I had every reason to disembowel them. Every reason.

While I walked on I decided to add several more rules to my roster at the next Espada meeting. The last thing I needed was for my top warriors and their Fracciónes to start acting like a bunch of children. Grimmjow was bad enough, thank you very much.

I neared my throne room, ready to relax a bit and drink some tea, but while I moved towards my seat a splotch of color suddenly assaulted my vision. I could tell that it was set against the backrest of my throne.

When I finally stopped in front of it I could see that the off-white blob was in essence a sticky-note. It was stuck smack-dab in the middle of my throne.

Written in red ink, it stated,

"Ohoyou gozaimasu, I see that the assassins have failed."

Lettered in neat handwriting, on said post-it note, I couldn't tell who had penned it. But whoever did was going to be visited by Ulquiorra later.

Say, in the morning?

[Omake for next Chapter: Coyote Starrk]

[Lilynette: Starrk's sole Fracción]

"STTAARRRRKK! Get your lazy bum out of bed! Or else I'll I'm gonna-" I glanced around shocked, coming to a stop when I spied the clothes strewn around the floor.

Both mine and Starrk's clothes were tossed haphazardly across the floor. All of are clean and dirty uniforms, just tossed everywhere. Feathers also lay on the floor like someone had taken a bird from the living world and just plucked its plume out just to toss it into our room. There were also tiny drops of blood dripped everywhere.

I would have thought someone had been killed but then I tracked the trail of crimson body fluid over to the hunched form of my other half.

My left eye twitched in fury. How dare he?!

I stomped over planning to bash him over the head for making an entire pigsty of our quarters when I saw what he was doing. I stopped and then tried to stuff my fist into my mouth. This sight! It was just- It was too- No! This was- "Are you…sewing? ARE YOU FREAKIN' SEWING?!"

I could not stop the guffaw that fell from my lips while I rolled on the floor. I didn't care how dirty it was at the moment. Seeing the other side of my soul holding a thread and thimble trying to patch a pillow—horribly I might add—with scraps of our clothing was just a sight to behold!

"What-haaahaa-the hell?! Are you-bwahahaha! DOING?! Did someone-haaha kill your pillows Starrk?!"

He turned from his shoddy—and complete crap—sewing job to level me with a glare that could rival Aizen's reiatsu pressure. Stone cold un-amused.

"Man, that bad?"

He sighed and closed his eyes, a lazy pout coming to his face. "Yeah."

I blinked and rolled my eyes at his semi-lethargic answer. "Idiot. Maybe you'll actually sleep less now!" He moved to interrupt me. "I don't care! Clean this crap up right this minute!"

I swung around stomping my way back out of the room and only paused to ask with a wry grin, "Who?"

My partner sighed again, placing his head in his hands tiredly, dropping the green and white, patched pillow along with the thread, thimble and the stack of feathers he had been re-stuffing the pillows with. He then glanced back up meeting my uncovered fuchsia eye. "Grimmjow in his Resurrección form…and Gin. And his devil zanpakutou. It's evil I tell you."

I laughed again at his misery and joked back while I trounced out the door in a better mood then I came in with, "Maybe you should get the Sexta moron a scratching post? Gin…hmmm, I got nothin'. Bend over and kiss your pillows goodbye."

I left without looking back. I'm sure my giggling echoed all the way across the rest of Hueco Mundo.

It wasn't till I was half-way to the other side of it that I remembered what I exactly was going to tell him about. Oh well, they'll find him soon enough anyways. Haha, as soon as he un-sticks himself that is…

Well, tell me what ya liked and didn't and send in those requests! I promise you I won't disappoint!

Don't be afraid to request anything! I'll take it all!

Tarry a while. Thou art so fair. ~ Wild-Tama