CHRISTMAS ALONE

by ncsupnatfan

Sam has left and gone to college. This is a short on how I think both brothers dealt with the holidays. It is over a three year period set at Christmas. Warning this is a sad story.

A/N: This short is for any of you, my dear readers, who might be spending the holidays alone like I will. It is hard and I know how you feel, but don't let it stop you from doing something for yourself. Go to the movies, read a good book, binge watch SPN, or get outside for a walk or hike. I have tried to express the emotions and feelings of both brothers and hope you will enjoy the read. I will warn you this is a sad story. I do like reviews, if you have a moment to leave one. NC

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First Year

The wind was whistling an eerie wail as it shook the window of the slightly rundown motel in some small no name town in the middle of nowhere. Flakes of snow mixed in with pellets of sleet fell from the sky, dancing and swirling on the drafts and coating the land in a mixture of snow and ice. The wall mounted heater chugged away trying to make the room warmer than it was outside, but was having a hard time leaving the room with a chill in the air. The light of the television that was turned down low cast ghostly shadows, but was long forgotten.

It was late Christmas Eve night and the lone body lying on the bed grumbled and grunted as he rolled over trying to bury himself deeper under the covers seeking warmth from the chill. He let the empty beer bottle drop from his fingers to land with a clink against the others that littered the floor beside the bed. This was the first Christmas that he would be spending without his little brother and he wasn't handling the all 'jolly and festive' mood that met him wherever he seemed to look. Even finding a decent radio station over the past few days seemed impossible since they were all play holiday music. He had stumbled back to his room when the bar closed early with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a six pack of beer. His father had gone off on his own hunt after they had finished their previous one and hadn't contacted him about meeting up. Even in his drunken state, his memory still went back to that motel room nearly six months ago when his brother walked out on him and their Dad, deciding college was more important than family. He could still see the anger and resentment on both of their faces as he stood there not able to say anything to either of them. In a normal family if a son got a full ride to Stanford everyone would be overjoyed about it, but that was the thing...Their family was so far from normal that it wasn't even funny. They were hunters, warriors, that was how they were raised. That was what they did; hunted monsters most people didn't even know existed. They save lives and protected those who couldn't protect themselves. He watched with despair and sorrow in his eyes as the door closed and his brother walked out of his life. What was he suppose to do? His Dad needed him, he couldn't abandon him too. He was hurt and then he got angry and then the Winchester stubbornness kicked in and he got over it, at least he thought he had.

Old memories coursed through his mind of how Christmas was when their Mom was alive. He remembered the decorations scattered through the house, the tree standing in a corner covered in decorations that he got to help put on and when the lights were lit...Oh it was like magic was in the air. He would snuggle between his parents as his Mom read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' to him before he had to go to bed. Then Christmas morning would come and he would get up early, waking his parents so he could see what Santa left under the tree. There would be the aroma of the holiday meal wafting from the kitchen as his Mom prepared the meal. He would sit with his father to watch the game only to fall asleep nestled in his lap. But all that changed when his mother was killed when he was four years old. Nothing was ever the same after that and Christmas turned into nothing more than a day when Dad got a bucket of chicken and got drunk in front of the television as he tried to drown his sorrow. He had done his best for his little brother over the years trying to give him some semblance of normal as he got older.

Sammy was nine and they were in a motel room on Christmas Eve waiting for their father to come home from work, but only Dean knew the truth about what he was really doing. That was the day Sammy snuck and read their father's journal and learned the truth about what was really out there in the dark. That was the day he lost his innocence and was pulled into the life of a hunter. He cried himself to sleep that night, heartbroken that he had been lied to all this time and upset that their father was going to be a no show once again. Dean saw himself going out in the cold and finding a scrawny tree and stealing some lights and even breaking into a house to snitch a couple of presents for his brother so it wouldn't be all bad for him. He woke Sammy the next morning and pretended that Dad had come by and left the things only to find out he had taken girl's presents for his brother. Dean was shocked when Sammy gave him a small package wrapped in funny paper that was supposed to be for their father. He opened it to find an amulet on a leather thong and put it on thanking his little brother for it. Even in his sleep, Dean reached for the amulet that still hung around his neck and clutched it in his hand as the dream slowly began to fade. The digital clock flipped to twelve am; it was Christmas now and he was alone, truly alone this time and it was like his unconscious body knew as a lone tear rolled down his cheek.

spn

The day had been mild and nothing like you would think Christmas Eve should be like. Sam had gone out and got some food he could heat in the microwave and marveled at the scores of people hustling from one place to another. He did his shopping quickly and headed back to his dorm room to get out of the crowds. Most of the other students had gone home for the Christmas holiday, so the dorm was like a ghost town. He had gotten his laundry done with no waiting and was sitting at his desk with books opened around him, but was staring out the small window, his mind a thousand miles away. Night had fallen and he could see Christmas lights blinking and glowing out across the town. His room was in one of the end buildings that bordered the town the college was in. He wondered if the families out there were getting their children settled down and in bed with the promise of Christmas the next morning. He had never spent a Christmas alone. His father might not have been there for many, but he could always depend on his older brother to try and make the best of things. He thought back to growing up and now saw how Dean tried to give him a normal childhood, while protecting him from bad of the world. His mind pulled up the memory when he announced that he was leaving and going to college, that he had gotten a scholarship to Stanford. Sam thought maybe his Dad would be proud of him, but he was totally opposed to it. He yelled at him that he was abandoning his family and if he left to never come back. This broke his heart to hear those words from his father when he had worked so hard to make something of himself. He couldn't make him understand that hunting wasn't for him, that he wanted something more out of life. What was worse was Dean had not said a thing. He just stood there with a blank look on his face hiding his emotions like he always did. He never tried to stop him or wish him luck or even say good-bye. When he lost his father that day, he also lost his big brother and that hurt most of all.

Sam looked down at his cell lying on the desk and wanted so much to call his brother and see how he was doing and wish him Merry Christmas, but he didn't. He had made his choice, no matter how much it hurt. He looked back down at the book he was reading but the words blurred as tears filled his eyes and he scrubbed a hand across his face to wipe them away. Sam got up and poured himself another cup of coffee and glanced at the clock seeing it was almost midnight and Christmas would be here. He wondered where Dean was and what he was doing and if he missed him as much as Sam missed him. There had been no communication between the brothers since that night when he left for college. This had been extremely tough on Sam since he still looked up to his big brother and wanted his support and love. He didn't know how Dean really felt about him leaving, if he sided with their Dad and more or less disowned him or if he still cared about him.

Sam laid his head down on his folded arms and closed his eyes, thinking he would rest them for a few minutes before going back to studying. A long forgotten memory flickered in his mind and he saw himself nine years old again and learning what their father really did and finally understand why they had been left alone for so much of their lives. He saw Dean trying to make it easier on him, but he was heartbroken and overwhelmed with it all and curled up in his bed to cry himself to sleep. He knew their father wouldn't be back for Christmas again and it would just be them alone trying to scrounge up whatever they could to eat and Dean trying to give him some version of a happy day. Sam watched a younger Dean sneak out and come back with that branch and lights and those couple of presents, setting them up before crawling in bed to wait for morning. Time raced ahead and his younger self was being shaken awake by younger Dean and being told a lie that their Dad had come by and left the things. He could actually see the hope on his younger self's face thinking maybe it was true until he opened the gifts to find they were for a girl. He saw the look of despair, only for a moment on his brother's face and hear the cracking of jokes to try and smooth it over. Younger Sam took the gift for his father and gave it to younger Dean, knowing he was more a father to him than their own was. He smiled in happiness when he saw the look of surprise and disbelief and love as he looked at the amulet and slipped it over his head, swearing to never take it off. And he hadn't, he had worn it with pride and sometimes Sam caught Dean rubbing the amulet between his fingers lost in his own thoughts. He wondered if Dean was thinking about when he got the amulet all those years ago and how happy he had been. Sam jerked awake and rubbed his neck looking over at his clock to see that Christmas had arrived and he was more depressed than before. If it wasn't for his Winchester stubbornness, he would call his brother, but would he pickup or would he ignore the call? Sam still felt hurt and mad at Dean for not standing up for him or at least say something rather than being silent through his fight with their father. He pushed aside his thoughts and started reading the law text again, thinking he'd spend another hour at it before going to bed.

Second Year

It even seemed like the monsters were taking time off for the holidays as Dean scrolled through some websites looking for a case. He poured another shot and sipped it feeling it burn all the way down. He didn't bother much with bars anymore, unless he needed money and could hustle up a game of pool. Dean found it was easier to get plastered in a hotel room. That way the bed wasn't that far away, if he made it to it at all. This was the second year he was alone once again for Christmas. It had been nearly a year and a half since he had seen his little brother or spoke to him. He had gone by this college he was so adamant and determined to go to, but never caught sight of him in all the crowds of students going there. Disappointed, he left thinking maybe it was for the best. This was what Sam wanted, he would have to learn to let go and let him live his life no matter how much it hurt him. He still felt the guilt of letting him leave without even telling him good-bye or at least saying something to him. He still didn't know why he froze and couldn't even ask him to stay or try to mediate between their father and Sam like he had been doing over the years.

Getting bored with the websites, he flipped on the television and began to channel surf trying to find something that wasn't Christmas related and finally settled for a movie on one of the free movie channels. He switched to beer when he started seeing two of everything, thinking he wasn't going to be able to drink enough whiskey to drown his pain, but he could drink enough to pass out and not remember. Unfortunately that didn't stop him from trying more times than he wanted to count over the past year. He still worked cases with their father but they were getting fewer and farther between. His father was becoming distance and secretive about what he was doing, so that left him to carry on by himself. He occasionally worked a job with another hunter, but it was never the same as when he worked with his brother. They had a special bond that let them almost read each other's thoughts and knew each other's moves. Dean missed that and had to become harder and tougher to compensate for the loss. He never forgot his brother and there were so many times Dean picked up his phone to call him, but never did. Too much time had passed now and wondered if he would even know him now. Time passed by and Christmas came again with the hunter alone in a hotel room, sleeping off too much whiskey and beer and dreaming of how it use to be.

spn

His shift was almost over, but Sam had agreed to clean up and lock up the small diner where he worked part time while still going to school. He picked up the job to have a little spending money for things his scholarship didn't cover. He had picked up more hours now that the semester was over and most of the student body had left for home to spend the holidays with family. He told the last of the customers good-bye and went to lock the front door and turn off the 'Open' light. The owner was more than happy to let Sam finish up since he had family of his own to get home to. He had invited Sam to join them, but he had declined not much in the mood for holiday fun. The advantage to working here, he got free food and leftovers that couldn't be sold the next day. He went to the back and grabbed a couple of takeout containers putting food in them and poured a large cup of coffee. Once he had that done, he went to the back door and looked out before moving to sit one of the containers on a garbage can for a homeless vet that frequented the alley. Sam had seen him going through the dumpster, but when he spoke to him he ran away. So instead he would leave food and watch, hidden from view as the vet would come by ten or fifteen minutes later and take the food and drink. He knew it wasn't much, but everyone deserved some help. With that done, he got busy sweeping and mopping the diner and refilling the salt and pepper shakers and napkin holders for the waitresses. He wiped down the booths, tables and counter before checking the time, seeing it was getting late. Sam packed his food and a couple bottles of water in a bag to take home with him for Christmas meal. The diner wouldn't be open for a couple of days allowing the owner and staff to have time with their family.

Sam trudged back toward the dorms as his chest tightened with the thoughts of another Christmas alone, without family. There had been a couple of friends invite him home with them, but he declined knowing how awkward it would feel and didn't want to subject himself or others to it. He was depressed as the world moved on around him, lights flashing, Christmas music playing, people hustling to buy last minute gifts, and families coming together. The weather was mild here and he didn't need winter clothes, but he still hunched into his light jacket as a chill ran down his back. He looked up at the stars and wondered if his brother was looking up at them too and if he was alright. He couldn't help that he still worried about him and the dangers he faced on every hunt he went on. Sam knew he was still alive, that much he could tell. Their bond might be weak, but it wasn't completely gone either. Now that he was in his second year of college, he was a lot busier with school work and his part time job. He had very little down time except during the semester breaks, but he still studied and tried to do extra school work. Sam even took classes during the summer so he could graduate sooner and then apply for law school here at Stanford too. He reached his dorm and let himself inside heading for the second floor and his room. The food would go in the mini fridge for lunch tomorrow and Sam was going to hit the showers before heading on to bed to try and get some rest. The next few days couldn't go by fast enough for him so the memories of the past would leave him alone and not invade his dreams.

Third Year

The night was quiet in the small apartment as Sam sighed and threw an arm over the small body lying beside him. Something wonderful had happened at the end of the spring semester, he had met, Jessica Moore. She was a student at Stanford too, but was studying nursing and he had fallen head over heels in love with her. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, caring, kind hearted and loved him too. They had dated for several months before moving in together and this was going to be their first Christmas together. Jess had hung some lights and put up a small three foot tree which had a few wrapped gifts under it. He was glad she didn't go overboard in the decorations since that wasn't him. This Christmas was going to be so different and they were even going to try cooking Christmas lunch together. He had a feeling he would be doing most of the cooking since Jess wasn't that good of a cook, even thought she tried awfully hard. He couldn't believe his luck to have found someone as perfect as her.

It was four in the morning on Christmas Eve and Sam jerked awake when incessant knocking on their front door had him getting out of bed and heading into the living room. The knocking came again and he picked up a bat that was nearby before going to the door wondering who would be visiting at this time of morning. He opened the door a little and looked out into a face he never expected to see.

"Hi ya Sammy..." Dean grunted as his body went limp and he fell forward and would have collapsed onto the floor if Sam hadn't caught him.

"Dean?" Sam questioned in shock at seeing his brother and not sure what was going on with him. Sam drug his body to the couch and eased it down before reaching over to turn on a lamp. He looked down at the dampness he felt that was red on the palm of his hand and recognized blood immediately. "Hey Dean? You with me? Hey man?" Sam asked patting his cheeks but not getting any response. He felt for a pulse and found it racing and weak. He checked closer and realized his shirt on the left side was soaked in blood.

"Sam what's going on?" Jess asked as she joined him in the living room, yawning and rubbing her eyes. She saw the stranger on the couch and tensed as Sam looked over at her. "Who's that?"

"This is my brother." Sam said as he started working Dean's jacket off his shoulders and down his arms.

"Dean? This is Dean? But what's wrong with him?" she asked moving closer to see he was unconscious.

"I don't know yet." Sam said tossing the jacket aside and started working on his outer shirt next, quickly getting it off too. He pulled his tee shirt up and off while leaning him slightly so he could see better and saw a nasty slash that ran from his shoulder around to his side. Blood had clotted on part of it, but it ran in red, crooked lines down his side where the laceration was deeper.

"Oh my god, what happened to him?" she asked when she saw the blood before Sam pressed Dean's shirt to his side.

"Can you go get me some towels and a basin of hot water Jess? I need to get the first aid kit out of his car." Sam instructed her as he grabbed up his jacket to search for keys. He didn't find them and searched his jeans pockets finally locating them. He put a towel down on the couch before easing Dean over to rest on the couch. Sam headed for the door figuring the Impala had to be nearby and hoped Dean still kept the first aid kit stocked. He didn't bother with shoes as he ran for the door and headed down the steps toward the parking lot. He quickly scanned the area seeing the Impala parked sideways in two spaces happy Dean just got it here. Sam opened the driver's door and dropped into the seat, pausing for a second as the memories came flooding back. He pushed them aside and cranked the car to straighten it up so campus cops wouldn't tow it or ticket it. Once parked, he jumped out and ran to the back to grab the kit and Dean's duffle before heading back inside. He found Jess sitting by Dean holding the shirt to his injury to help stop the flow of blood.

"Ok, I got this." he told her sitting the things by the couch and taking her place. "Why don't ya go back to bed?"

"I can help I am studying nursing." Jess replied.

"This isn't the first time I've stitched Dean up, gotten pretty good at it." Sam said wetting a cloth and wiping it over the laceration. He felt Dean tense under his hand but he didn't come to. He smiled when Jess began to rummage in the kit finding sutures, gloves and betadine. She sat them on the coffee table within Sam's reach, watching him with interest as he expertly doctored his brother. She never could get Sam to talk about his family so this was curious to her that he would know how to do this. Once Sam got most of the blood off, he poured the antiseptic over the laceration, catching the excess with a towel. Once that was done, Sam picked up the sutures and began to stitch the deepest part of the cut with tiny, precise stitches.

"There should be some steri strips in there that I can use for the rest of it." Sam told Jess as he tied the last stitch.

"Hold on." she answered looking again in the kit and finding some. "Got them."

After patching his brother up, Sam leaned back and gave a heavy sigh while he peeled the gloves from his hands. He pulled Dean's duffle over to look for a clean shirt to put on him and wrinkled his nose when he got a whiff of the contents.

"So Jess...Mind watching my brother while I go throw his clothes in to wash?" Sam asked. "I'll get some of mine for him for now." he said heading back into the bedroom to grab a tee shirt and sweats. They would be big, but would work. He didn't want Jess to see anything strange that might be on Dean's clothes and ask questions.

"Of course not honey." she said sitting by Dean and taking a clean damp cloth to wipe Dean's face. She studied the face and tried to see Sam. She had to admit he was good looking, just like Sam, but he could use a few extra pounds on his lean body. Jess frowned when she saw some old scars that marred his skin and wondered how he got them.

"If you wanna turn your head, I'll get him out of these dirty clothes." Sam suggested dropping the clothes on the coffee table.

"Awe Sam, that's sweet, but it's not like I haven't seen it before." Jess giggled. "Let me help." she insisted picking up the tee shirt and shaking it out.

"Alright." Sam replied not able to hide his smile as she waited for Sam to lift Dean so she could put the tee shirt over his arms and pull it down and over his head. Sam pulled it the rest of the way down and laid him back down. He turned to take off his boots and undid his jeans since the waist was soaked in his blood. Being careful not to jar him, Sam worked the jeans down his hips before grabbing the legs and pulling them on off. He took the sweats and did the opposite, slipping them over his feet and up his legs, letting them settle on his hips. Sam noticed that Dean seemed thinner than the last time he saw him and had a few more scars scattered across his body. "I'll run down and throw these in and be right back." he said picking up the duffle before going to the kitchen to get detergent and some change for the machine.

spn

Jess was wringing out the cloth and turning to wipe Dean's face again when suddenly her wrist was grabbed by a strong hand and she was looking into a pair of hostile green eyes. Her eyes widened and then she found her voice as she cleared her throat before speaking.

"Hi Dean, I'm Jess, Sam's girlfriend." she said softly giving him a small smile. She felt his hold loosen slightly as he blinked several times while digesting what she had said.

"S'my?" Dean croaked letting his eyes dart around the room searching for him.

"It's ok, he went downstairs to throw your clothes in to wash." she said patting the hand that was still holding her wrist. "If you let go I'll get you something to drink."

Dean glanced down at his hand not realizing he was still clutching her wrist and let it go. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes as he moved his body carefully and used a hand to feel his side. He could tell someone had stitched him up and figured it was Sam.

"Here you go, now go easy." Jess told him holding a straw to his lips so he could drink some water.

Dean felt the straw and captured it with his lips to suck in several mouths of water and swallow. He relished the cold wetness as it soothed his throat. He pulled several more times before stopping, wanting to let it settle in his empty stomach. His eyes moved toward the door when it opened and his little brother stepped into the room. He looked him over and saw the only thing that had changed about him was his hair was a little longer.

"He woke up Sam." Jess said moving out of the way so Sam could take her place.

"Hey." Sam said quietly, not really sure what to say to him.

"Hey." Dean replied. "Was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by to wish ya Merry Christmas." Dean continued his voice raspy and hoarse.

"Jess could you give us a few minutes alone?" Sam asked her knowing Dean might say something he didn't want Jess to hear.

"Sure Sam, nice to meet you Dean. Sorry it was under these circumstances." she said giving a wave before heading back to the bedroom.

"I stitched you up, so what happened?" Sam asked glancing the way Jess went to be sure she was gone.

"She doesn't know does she?" Dean asked picking up the uneasiness Sam had.

"No and I don't want her to." he answered in a low voice. "So what happened? Did a hunt go wrong or something?"

"Or something. Look I'll just leave, this was a bad idea." Dean stated trying to get up, but hissed in pain when he moved wrong. He gritted his teeth and tried again only to have Sam easily push him back down on the couch because he was weak from loss of blood.

"You're too weak to walk let alone drive, beside I've got your clothes washing downstairs. Today's Christmas Eve and I know Jess will expect you to be here when she gets up. You can rest on the couch Dean, I'm gonna head back to bed until it's time to put your clothes in the dryer." Sam told him pulling a throw off the back of it and draping it over Dean's body. "Jess would have too many questions if you up and left now so get some rest, it's still early."

"I like your girlfriend Sammy..." Dean mumbled deciding Sam was right as the room started to spin when he tried to sit up. He closed his eyes and relaxed letting his breathing even out before drifting off to sleep.

Sam stood above him for a few minutes just looking at him to be sure this was real and happening. He never dreamed his brother would turn up on his doorstep, wounded and bleeding. Warmness spread through him at the sight of his brother and he worked on processing all the emotions running through his mind. He decided to check on Jess and lay down with her while he waited for the clothes to wash and would run back down to put them in the dryer. He prepared himself for the onslaught of questions but found she had snuggled back down under the blankets and was almost asleep.

"Sam, what happened to your brother?" she asked sleepily.

"Just some fight he got into, it's nothing to worry about. He'll be ok." Sam told her wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. She curled into him and drifted off to sleep. Sam lay awake listening to her soft, even breathing wondering if it was going to be ok. Would Dean coming here draw the monsters here too? Would his presence put them in danger, put Jess in danger? Sam tightened his hold on Jess for a moment as he let his thoughts run rapid and tried to rein them in. Should he ask Dean to leave or not? He knew Jess wanted him to stay, but should he. Sam sighed and closed his eyes while he worked on taking slow, long breaths to help him relax. He glanced at the clock and saw he would need to run downstairs in ten minutes.

spn

Morning light was streaming through the apartment and the smell of brewed coffee and food had Dean waking up trying to figure out where he was. He looked around the room for a moment, then remembered he had showed up at Sam's apartment, injured and must of passed out since he didn't recall what happened. Being careful with his injured side, Dean got up and looked around not seeing anyone, but the urge to use the bathroom had him exploring for the bathroom. He held the waist of the too big sweats and looked down the small hall seeing the bathroom at the end of the hall. He started that way and pulled up short when Jess came out of the bedroom almost running into him.

"Oh hi!" she said happily. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." Dean stated stepping back quickly from her. "Just need to use the bathroom."

"Sure, ok. I'll fix you some breakfast. I laid some clean towels out if you want to take a shower and Sam folded your clothes and put them back in your duffle." she said pointing to his duffle sitting just inside the bedroom doorway.

"Where's Sammy?" Dean asked starting to reach for his bag and grunting from the pull of the stitches.

"Here let me help." Jess said picking up the bag and setting it in the bathroom. "Sam went out to get some last minute groceries for Christmas lunch tomorrow. You are staying right? We'd love to have you." she said.

"Don't know..." Dean mumbled stepping into the bathroom and closing the door before she could ask any more questions. He leaned back against the door and swallowed hard as he pushed the pain down and decided maybe a shower would help. After a few choice words, he got the tee shirt off and let the sweats drop to the floor. Dean turned the water on and adjusted the temperature before slipping his briefs off and stepping into the hot spray. The water felt good as it ran over his body. He borrowed some shampoo and washed his hair, then soaped his body before just standing in the spray for a few minutes letting it beat on his body. Dean turned the water off and grabbed a towel to dry with before stepping from the tub. He found some clean clothes and got dressed before heading back to the living room and seeing Jess in the kitchen humming with the radio that was playing on the counter.

"Bet you feel better after that shower. How do you take your coffee?" Jess asked pouring a cup and waiting for Dean to answer.

"Black's good." he said sitting at the table in the kitchen and accepting the cup from her.

"Sam cooked up some bacon before he left and I scrambled a couple of eggs and made toast." she said putting food on a plate for him. "I'll apologize for the eggs before hand, so if they're not edible don't eat them."

"I'm sure they're fine, thanks." Dean said trying not to smile at her honesty. He picked up a piece of bacon and took a bite before picking up his fork to taste the eggs. They were not the best or the worse that he had ate, so he shrugged and ate some more.

"Sam's mentioned you a few times and it's finally nice to meet you." Jess said trying to converse with him. "He won't talk much about his family."

"Figures." Dean mumbled under his breath but didn't comment further.

"You should be proud of him; he's at the top of his class and doing really good."

"Good to hear. How did you two meet?"

"A friend introduced us about six months ago and it was like we just clicked. We started going out and after a few months moved in together."

"You know, I think you're good for my brother. You take care of him ok?" Dean told her not able to stop the emotion in his voice.

"Of course Dean." Jess said a little confused by his remark.

"I'm back." Sam called as he came through the door carrying a couple of bags. "Hey you're up." he said when he saw Dean sitting at the table eating. "Hey Babe." Sam said leaning over to give Jess a quick kiss before sitting the bags on the table.

"Did you get everything?"

"Yeah I think so. It was a mad house out there with all those last minute shoppers." he said taking things from the bags and putting them away. "You're looking better this morning."

"Feel better, thanks for the patch job." Dean told him trying not to act uncomfortable with the conversation. It had been so long since he spoke with his brother, it felt awkward and strained.

"How's Dad?" Sam asked.

"He's Dad, not changed any." Dean shrugged as his body tensed and he looked down at his plate.

Sam saw the change of Dean's body language when he mentioned their father and felt there was something he wasn't saying; at least not in front of Jess. He got the feeling Dean knew Jess didn't know about the hunting part of his life and he wanted to keep it that way.

"So what are we going to do today?" Jess popped up and asked looking from one brother to the other.

"I mean we can watch some Christmas programs and just relax. Dean should probably take it easy and Sam, you need to take a break from studying, so what do you say? We can binge on movies. I have some Christmas cookies to make, but other than that I'm free."

Dean looked over at her as she talked seeing the twinkle and excitement on her face and in her eyes. She was almost bouncing in her chair feeling the joy of the season. He had a feeling she enjoyed life to its fullest and would brighten a room by just walking into it.

"Anything's fine with me Babe, I guess I can put the books aside for a couple of days." Sam said capturing her hand in his and squeezing it gently before kissing it.

Dean watched both of them and could see the love they had for each other shining on their faces. He felt like he was intruding on a special moment between them and looked down at his plate.

"How 'bout you Dean? Is being lazy and doing nothing ok with you?" Jess asked him.

"Whatever you guys want its fine with me." Dean answered gathering his dishes and taking them to the sink.

"Just leave them, I'll get them later." Jess told him. "Why don't you two go on in the living room and visit while I throw the cookies together and get that out of the way?"

"You sure I can't help?" Sam asked her.

"No, no I got this; now go on visit with your brother. Hasn't it been a long time since you've seen each other?" she insisted shooing them toward the living room.

Dean followed Sam and took a seat at one end of the couch while Sam sat at the other. They sat there for a few minutes neither speaking until Sam picked up the remote and turned on the television for some noise. His mind was whirling as he tried to come up with something to say. He couldn't understand it; he was always able to talk to his brother growing up, but now he didn't have a clue what to say. Not even knowing it Sam's leg began to bounce with his nervousness. This didn't get by Dean as he saw how jumpy Sam was.

"How's Bobby doing?" Sam finally asked trying to break the ice with his brother.

"Ok last time I saw him, asked about you. You could of call him." Dean answered not realizing the hidden meaning behind it.

"Well, the phone works both ways." Sam replied, his voice getting hard as his facial features went angry for a moment before changing. "So are you working on your own now?"

"Pretty much, have been for a while. I meet up with Dad now and then and we'll work a job, but not lately." Dean said being a vague as he could. "Seems like you're doing ok for yourself."

"I am. Things are going well for me and it got even better after I met Jess." he said glancing over his shoulder at her as she moved around the kitchen baking.

"She seems really nice."

"She is, I love her very much."

"That's good Sammy, glad you found someone."

"Would either of you like something to drink?" Jess called from the kitchen.

"I'll get us a couple of waters." Sam said getting up to retrieve them.

Dean could hear whispering in the kitchen and knew they were talking about him. He glanced at the screen to see what Sam had picked to watch and frowned when two people ran through the snow laughing. This really didn't look like something he would be interested in watching, but he would keep quiet since he was a visitor. It was like Sam was a stranger to him now. He had figured out how to move on with his life, without his family. At first Dean was mad that he would dish them like this, but then when he though about it he was envious of him for being able to move on. He deserved this and Dean wasn't going to take it from him.

"Here you go." Sam said handing him a water and sitting back down at the end of the couch. "Jess can't cook very well, but she does know how to make great cookies."

"Can't wait to try one." Dean replied. He sat back on the couch and tried to relax as he took in what Sam had here and how happy he seemed. He could tell he loved Jess very much and she him. He remained silent and just absorbed everything.

spn

"That was good, thanks for feeding me and letting me crash on your couch." Dean said as he wiped his mouth and stacked his dirty dishes.

"You are welcome Dean. I hope you'll be visiting more often. Isn't that right San?" Jess asked looking over to Sam.

"Yeah, sure." Sam said not sounding too convincing in his answer.

"Since you cooked, I'll wash up the dishes." Dean offered.

"Absolutely not! You've been hurt, now go on take a couple of cookies and coffee and make yourself comfortable on the couch. Won't take us but a few minutes to clean up in here."

"Jess is right; we'll get the dishes and join you shortly." Sam agreed getting up to clear the table.

Dean did as he was told and snagged some cookies and topped off his coffee before moving to the living room out of the way. He made himself comfortable on the couch and munched on the cookies thinking they were pretty good. He sipped his coffee while watching a football game on the television. Dean didn't look when he heard Jess giggle and Sam say something to her and laugh himself. It wasn't long before they joined him on the couch with Jess sitting between them cuddled into Sam's side.

"Do you follow football Dean?" Jess asked

"I watch it occasionally." he shrugged which was true.

"What do you do?"

"I work with our Dad, sort of a family business."

"Where's your Dad? Don't you have Christmas with him?"

"He's working a job and no, we're usually not close enough to spend Christmas together."

"Well that's too bad. I'm glad you're here with us this year. It's good to be with family if you can."

"I guess." Dean mumbled hoping she wouldn't ask any more questions.

"You know we're supposed to go to bed early tonight Babe. You want Santa to come don't you?"

"Of course." she giggled poking him in the ribs. "We'll watch a little more of the game and head on to bed. I'll get you some sheets and pillow so you'll be more comfortable out here Dean."

"Don't go to any trouble, I'll be fine." Dean said not wanting to put them out.

"No trouble at all, is it Sam?" she asked turning her head to look at Sam.

"No of course not." he said kissing the top of her head as he glanced over at his brother.

It wasn't long before Jess was nodding off and Sam decided they might as well go to bed. He scooped her up in his arms and turned to his brother before speaking.

"We're gonna head for bed. I'll bring you some sheets and pillow. Make yourself at home." Sam told him before leaving with Jess.

Dean sat there not interested in the game anymore as he felt his brother step back into the room. He watched Sam lay the sheets and pillow at the end of the couch and turned to leave but stopped for a moment.

"It is good to see you Dean." Sam whispered before leaving.

spn

With his decision made, Dean slipped his jacket on and looked around the apartment one more time. He found a piece of notebook paper and folded it into twice being sure what he put in it stayed. He walked to the small tree and put it between a couple of branches where it would be found. He knew he couldn't stay here, Sam had made a new life for himself and he wasn't a part of it. He was not going to intrude on their first Christmas together either. He didn't belong here, this wasn't him and he didn't want to have his life spill over onto theirs. With a sad and heavy heart, Dean moved to the door and looked one more time toward the bedroom.

"Have a good life S'my. You deserve it." he whispered swallowing back the lump in his throat as he quietly opened the door and left.

Sam suddenly jerked awake and sat up in bed breathing hard. He looked around and saw it was just starting to get light outside.

"Sam...What's wrong?" Jess mumbled from beside him as she got herself awake and sat up laying an arm on his.

"I don't know." Sam said throwing his legs off the bed and getting up. He made his way into the living room to find the couch empty and the sheets folded neatly on it. Sam frowned and looked around but didn't see his brother anywhere in the apartment.

"Sam...Where's your brother?" Jess asked stopping beside him and seeing the same thing.

"I guess he left." he said sadly.

"Is he coming back? It's Christmas. He shouldn't be alone, he should be with family." she decided. "Call him, make him come back."

"I doubt he will." Sam said knowing his brother.

"Well try anyway, for me please."

"Alright." Sam said looking around for his cell and searching his contacts for his brother. He punched in the number and waited, listening to it begin to ring. After three rings, he got a message that the number was no longer in service. Sam frowned and searched again for his second number and tried it, but got the same message. "His numbers have been disconnected."

"So you don't have the new one?" she questioned. She looked over at the tree and noticed something out of place and went to see what it was. "Honey, this has your name on it." she said holding out the folded paper.

"What is it?" he asked taking the paper and seeing 'Sammy' scrawled on the outside. He knew this had to be from Dean since he was the only one who called him that. He unfolded the paper and something fell from it to the floor. Sam bent down to pick three one hundred dollar bills from the floor at his feet. He looked at the paper saw one sentence written on it, 'Have a good life' and got the feeling he wouldn't be seeing his brother again. Tears welled up in his eyes as he stared at the page not sure what to do. He felt Jess put her arms around him as the first tear rolled down his face...

The End