C-3PO visits Earth
C-3PO was feeling confused. R2-D2 still hadn't returned. He had been gone nearly an hour now. "That impertinent little astro-droid! Ooh he gets on my nerves!" He thought. R2 had promised that he would come back as soon as he had fixed that malfunctioning escape pod!
C-3PO, or just 3PO, was a protocol droid. He hated adventure and space travel, as they often resulted in him coming out on the wrong end of a fight, losing parts, and having them reattached, sometimes incorrectly. Together with his fellow droid R2‑D2, C‑3PO had flown across the galaxy and back to help the Jedi, and they had been very successful (despite the fact that R2 was responsible for most of the victories!)
Soon, he got tired of waiting.
"There's nothing for it," he said aloud to himself, "I'll have to go and find him. This really is a bother. He needs a stern telling off, he does!" C-3PO was really very fond of R2-D2, as much they insulted and riled each other. "R2? Where are you?" 3PO called as he peered round the corner into the cargo hold of the Millennium Falcon. "Oh dear, I do hope he hasn't gone and got himself lost. That is so like R2 to go off without telling me!" 3PO decided to look by the escape pods. Maybe the pod was just taking longer than he thought. After all, he was no mechanic and he didn't know how long it took to repair broken pods. He reached the pod section in no time, having hitched a lift with a maintenance robot.
"R2, this really is too bad of you! You said you'd come back as soon as you'd finished repairing that pod and-" C-3PO paused, suddenly feeling rather foolish as he realised he was talking to thin air. R2 was nowhere to be seen. "Maybe he's in the escape pod," he reflected. So he pressed the 'open door' key and stepped inside. The door sealed behind him. 3PO started in surprise, but then remembered that the doors always closed for safety reasons.
"Come on, 3PO, get a grip", he muttered to himself. He looked around. R2 was not inside the escape pod. C-3PO sighed to himself, and turned to go out.
"Silly me! I forgot to open the door!" He reached towards the large red button that was flashing near the sealed door. Suddenly he heard a familiar sound.
"R2? Is that you?" he exclaimed. "Don't worry, I'm just coming!" and he pressed the button. C-3PO thought he heard a distinct note of...warning? in R2's frantic beeping but it was too late to wonder. The rocket boosters fired, and the capsule was launched into space! C-3PO flew across the small space in the pod and hit the opposite wall of the cabin with a thud. He had inadvertently pressed the 'eject capsule' button!
"Oh no," 3PO moaned as he glanced out the window to see the spaceship growing smaller in the distance as the pod rapidly headed towards the nearest planet. "This is not good at all! And I do so hate space travel!"
A few hours later, 3PO sat up with a jerk, staring out of the window in fascination. "Wait a minute...what's that planet? I don't recall that in the Jedi Archives." A very large planet, it was all blue and green, with grey clouds swirling all around it. It looked a bit like the exotic planet of Da Soocha, only with more green.
"I do hope it's populated", he thought, "I don't want to be all on my own in a deserted place with no transport. I must admit, it looks inviting, but you can never tell with foreign planets." A few minutes later, the pod crashed to earth.
C-3PO staggered out of the crater, not too badly dented. He was in a large grassy field with strange trees surrounding it. "I wonder what those wooden structures over there are? Ah, they have little signs next to them on wooden posts." He made his way towards the nearest sign and examined it. "This is a primitive language! I don't believe I have it in my records! How strange! Well, I should be able to speak it pretty well, if anyone lives here. Hmm...T-r-i-m-T-r-a-i-l. I wonder what that means. Oh, there's a gap in the row of trees over there! I think I'll go and see what's beyond it." 3PO started towards the gap in the field. Then he heard a sound, a sound that sounded like a veerok having a sneezing fit. A small, furry animal with four legs and a wagging tail came bounding across the field and knocked him over by leaping energetically onto his voice box!
"Boffy! BOFFY! Come here! Heel, Boffy!" yelled a young voice in the same crude language. The slobbery, furry, thing jumped off and started chasing round after its tail.
"WOW! Hey, you guys, look at this! It's a robot!" C-3PO sat up stiffly. Well, at least there was life on this planet. And humans, at that! Most of his past masters had been humans. He felt sure he could deal with childling humans, and primitive ones at that. A group of young male faces gathered around and peered at him.
"Do you think it can walk?" one voice said. "Nah!" said another, "Robots stand still and do calculations, or fix lids on jam-jars and stuff like that! They don't actually move."
"Jam-jars?" said C-3PO puzzled. "What are you talking about?"
"Hey, it's making funny electronic noises!" "Maybe it's trying to say something?" "Don't be silly, robots can't talk!" 3PO realised with a start that he had been speaking the Galactic Basic dialect. He quickly switched languages to that of the incipient human-beings.
"I do beg your pardon, I did not realise for a moment that I was still speaking the common language of my galaxy. Hello. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations, fluent in over six million forms of communication and-" "Hey!" interrupted one of the dumbfounded mortals. "He speaks English!"
"English?" murmured 3PO, "A strange name. What is this planet called?"
"Er...Earth?" stuttered the human.
"Earth? Then why do you call your language 'English'?"
"Well...our country's calledEngland."
"A country? Ah, like theLakeCountry, in Naboo!"
"Naboo? What's that? Hey...I'm talking to a robot! This is getting weirder by the minute!"
C-3PO moved back suspiciously as the furry creature stopped chasing its tail and started sniffing his feet. "I must ask...what is that furry thing called?"
"That? That's a dog. Haven't you ever seen a dog before?"
"Well, no", said 3PO in confusion, "I thought it was a veerok that had escaped at first."
"A what? Wow, you robots are kinda odd. But then, I didn't know that robots could even talk."
"May I enquire what your name is, sir?"
"Er...I'm Luke, and these are my friends, Ben and Davey."
There was a pause as C-3PO digested this fact slowly. "Luke...I know someone called Luke!" he cried. "How strange that you should have the same name."
"Oh, lots of people have the same name on our planet." responded Luke.
"There are eight other people in my school with my name.", said Ben unexpectedly.
"I'm sorry I gotta break up this scintillating conversation, guys, but it's time for dinner now." broke in Davey.
Luke stared at him. "Scintillating? Wow! Big word, Davey! Where'd you learn that one?"
"Oh, saw it in a dictionary when I was looking up antidisestablishmentarianism." Davey replied vaguely.
"Antidisestab-What?" Luke's face was the picture of utter bewilderment.
"Oh, never mind that." C-3PO cried dejectedly. "The point I want to make is, how am I going to get home?"
"Erm...that's a tricky one, that is. Er... where do you live?" asked Luke.
"Well, my original home world was Tatooine. Right now I tend to live wherever my masters are based, at the moment that is Coruscant. I was most recently on the smuggler starship the Millennium Falcon, piloted by Han Solo. I last saw their ship heading towards...let's see...ah, it was Coruscant, I believe."
Ben gaped at him. "Coruscant? Tatooine? Weird names!"
Davey nudged him in the ribs. "Shhh", he whispered, "That's his homeworld you're talking about there. We don't want to offend him!"
"Here, why don't you come to our house?" put in Luke, "We'll sort it out over the dinner table."
3PO stared at him blankly. "I beg your pardon?"
"The dinner table...you know...you eat off it?" Ben translated lamely.
If the robot had any facial expressions, he would have rolled his eyes. "Eating, let me think. Oh yes, that is what humans do to keep themselves operating." C-3PO said in a dry tone. "Well, let us go to your hut." They set off, Boffy the dog running ahead. 3PO regarded Boffy for a moment then swivelled towards Davey.
"Excuse me, sir, but why do you call your...uh...dog, er what was his name?"
"Boffy? Oh, that's easy. It's because he boffs people over." Davey replied readily.
"Ah...yes. I have experienced this sensation." They walked round the corner down a little road with a sign next to it saying 'High Street'. "What is this little settlement called?" inquired 3PO.
"This is our high street. It's nice, isn't it?" said Luke proudly.
"Very primitive", murmured 3PO. Luckily Luke didn't seem to hear him. They walked into a wide driveway, in which stood a large brick house with a stone plaque on the side saying '36'. "36?"wondered 3PO.
"That's the number of our house." Ben informed. There were three trees in the front garden. One was bent about, and had a strange glass contraption on it with little seeds inside it. Leaves were just beginning to come out on it. The next tree was very tall, and reminded 3PO of the trees he had seen in the field. It had no leaves on it and it stood very bared and upright. When he saw the third one, C-3PO gasped. It was a large spreading cherry tree, with pearly white and pink blossom that looked just like the lace that Princess Leah wore on her royal gown. When the wind shook it, little white petals floated down, looking just like snow. 3PO stared in awe at it.
Ben noticed him admiring the tree. "Pretty, innit? That's Mum's favourite, y'know."
C-3PO was pulled back to reality with a jerk. "Yes, it's very pretty." he said in a businesslike tone, "but I really do need to get home. Do you know how?"
Ben shrugged. " 'Fraid not. Do you?"
3PO had a sudden inspiration. "I have a locating device and a transmitter radio built into my system. I can contact R2 and tell him to come and fetch me in the Falcon."
"Who's R2 and what's the Falcon?" queried Luke in baffled confusion.
"R2-D2 is an astro-droid, and the Millennium Falcon is a starship." 3PO explained patiently. And then he sighed. "I do hate space travel, but if I am to get back home again, I must endure it." He quickly set about contacting R2 and then gabbled out instructions, with the three boys looking on in stupefied amazement. "There!" 3PO said in a satisfied tone. "If he makes the jump to light-speed, he'll be here in no time! He'll land in the field where I landed, so we'd better go there to meet him, or he'll get there before us." They all proceeded to the field with the large wooden structures in them, and waited.
Pretty soon, they saw the Falcon heading towards them. The three boys gaped at it open mouthed. It landed close by, and R2-D2 rolled down the ramp. Han Solo followed suit. The boys looked rather relieved to see a fellow human, even if he was from another galaxy. Han Solo looked anything but happy, though. He glared at 3PO.
"What do you think you're doing?" he yelled, "That pod you crashed hadn't even been fixed yet! You had to go and blow it up!"
The others stared at him. "Is he always like this?" asked Luke.
"Oh, quite frequently", 3PO assured him. Han Solo noticed them for the first time.
"Who are these people?" he demanded suspiciously.
"Oh, friends of mine," 3PO said dismissively.
"Bweep-droop-draaaap!" vocalized R2.
"I heard that, you little bucket of bolts!" said 3PO indignantly. "I am not headstrong or rash! Why, if I told you about half the things I've seen here, you'd probably short circuit!"
"Okay, quit arguing, goldenrod!" Han interrupted, "I owe someone some money and need to pay him quick or he'll have a price on my head!"
3PO glared at R2, and then turned to the boys. "Well, I must say I enjoyed my visit greatly. I hope I shall see you again another time-"
"Get in the ship, Mister Human-Cyborg Relations!" Han interrupted yet again, "I haven't got time for sad farewells!"
"Really, Mr. Solo, you really can be quite-"
"Get in the ship. NOW!"
C-3PO walked up the ramp haughtily.
"Right. Goodbye, kiddos." Han Solo said in an offhanded manner. A few minutes later, Luke, Ben, and Davey were left standing in the field staring at an empty blue sky, with nothing but the crashed remains of a high tech escape pod to prove that anything that they had just seen had ever happened.
THE END