Alright this is my first fanfic and I'm not quite satisfied with how it turned out but I posted it anyway. Because of that I'm not sure if there's gonna be more chapters even though the end like this sucks. Sorry for my English, it's not my first language. I hope you enjoy it anyways.
Ship:Lily and Rufus set 5 weeks after the wedding please R&R
Disclaimer: Of course i don't own Gossip Girl or any of the Characters. Unfortunately!! :(
It had been 5 weeks. 5 weeks. And Lily wondered how she could go from lying in his arms and feeling completely content to feeling soo lost and lonely this fast. She thought her marriage with Bart would keep her occupied and busy so she didn't have to think. Think about what she left behind. Again. Think about what could have been, would have been, should have been. But it didn't. When Bart was away on business, which happened a lot btw, and she was lying in bed all alone, these thoughts always managed to sneak into her mind.
All these years she had tried to fill the void in her heart that he had once been in. The one that had been empty since that tragic day in September when she was forced to leave the only one she ever loved and will ever love behind. She had tried to fill it with other men, 4 marriages, being involved in all kinds of social gatherings, jewelry, different kinds of makeovers…But she never had been able too.
Until, some 15-20 years later, they, in some kind of weird twist of fate, met again. And they fell in love. Not all over again because if they were honest they never fell out, but in a way it became too obvious to ignore anymore. And now she was at the same point she was at back then. A point that she really didn't want to be at. Of course he didn't understand her decision. How could he if she didn't even fully understand it herself? For him it was easy, he had always been able to say exactly what he felt and do what he wanted to do. He didn't have to care what other people thought. He never had any plans or dreaded the consequences of his actions. He was a 'live the moment'-type of guy. But she was the opposite. She always thought twice about everything and carefully weighed up the good and the bad. Back when she was young she had been as careless as he, but life had taught her otherwise. Her decisions affected people differently. She had to think about her children because even though she never said it she loved them to death and would give up anything for them.
And in a way she did. As much as she loved Rufus and as much as it killed her to choose between two of the three people she loved most in this world, her children came first. And if Serena asked her to do this she wouldn't say no. Even though it broke her heart and made her feel terribly miserable. She puts a forced smile on her face every time Serena looks at her so she doesn't see how much this is killing her. She doesn't want her daughter to feel guilty because she chose her own happiness above her mothers. And most of all she doesn't want to become her own mother.
But she misses him. Every single second of every single day. Sometimes more than others but it is always there. She misses his arms around her, his skin on her skin, his hands in her hair, his voice in her ears, his smile when he sees her, the way he looks at her full of love and mostly the way he makes her feel complete, relaxed and happy. It is the middle of the night but she grabs the phone and before she can think about what she is doing she dials his number. She just needs to hear his voice, needs to know that they are still ok, even after she left him again. Anxiously she is waiting for him to pick up.
"Hello?" he answered, still half asleep.
"Rufus! It's me." He was wide awake now. Why was she calling at this time? Something must be wrong.
"Lily! Is everything alright? Did something happen? Are you ok?" She could hear the worry in his voice.
"I'm sorry I called so late. Everything is fine. I just….I just needed to…I wanted to….I'm sorry Rufus! For everything." She just needed to get that of her chest.
He was silent for a while. This was unexpected. He didn't think she would be the one to make the first move.
"So am I" he said.
"I just wish things didn't have to be this way." Oh, if he only knew how much she wished they didn't. She wished life was as simple as it had been 20 years ago. She wished they could just be together. Be happy together. Without anything or anyone standing in their way. Why did everything have to get more complicated the older she got?
"I do too." he paused for a while. "But, Lil, I gave you the chance to change them. I asked you to try. To give us another chance. Twice. And you never did. We could have made things work. At least I believed we could."
"That's not fair, Rufus." But their whole situation wasn't. "I need you to understand…"
"Understand what? That you apparently don't want to be with me? That I fell in love and opened my heart again and you just played with me again?" He knew that wasn't the whole story but he needed to let his anger and disappointment out. He was always the one reaching out and she always held back. He just couldn't take it anymore. He loved her with all his heart and would do anything to be with her, he just needed her to ask him to.
"You know that's not true. I already told you it's more complicated than that. We can't just do what we want and ignore everyone else."
"But why not? Don't we deserve to be happy for a change? There is nothing standing in our way except you. If your appearance is more important to you than your happiness you have changed more than I thought. What happened to you Lil?"
She didn't know. She thought back to when she was twenty and the only thing that mattered to her was him. Back to when she was touring the country and didn't give a shit about what people thought of her. When every time they kissed passionately in the middle of the street she forgot everyone and everything around her. When she was happy in their own little world that she never wanted to leave again. But that was 20 years ago and the sound of his voice brought her back to reality.
"Lil, I love you. I always have and probably always will. But I can't go on like this. We need to go our separate ways. It just hurts too much. Every time I see you or hear your voice, it hurts. Please let this go. I will try to do the same. Goodbye Lil!"
"Rufus, wait!" But it was too late. He had already hung up the phone.