She sat on the ramparts overlooking the mountains that surrounded Skyhold, on top of a merlon with her back against one of the towers, and her leg gently swinging to some unknown tune. It was early morning, the sun barely rising over the mountain tops, casting a lovely pink hue across the grounds. She was about to drift off when she could hear footsteps of a patrol.
"Inquisitor?" Commander Cullen's asked surprised, "What are you doing out here? Not that it isn't a bad thing..."
"It's alright Commander." She smiled, turning to him, "I couldn't sleep so I came out here."
"You can call me Cullen, Inquisitor." Cullen said, walking over to her.
"And I have a name as well, yet none of you use it." She shot back, though a hint of mirth in her voice, "So, until you at least call me by my name a few times a day, you are still Commander."
"I... have to admit. Besides your clan name, I am not sure how to say your first name." Cullen replied sheepishly.
"Desilinaris Lavellan. Dee, sili, nar-is. Des, Naris, or Sili will do as well." The elven inquisitor replied, "You've heard my clan name enough. My clan would use Sili."
"Sili is a nice, easy name." Cullen nodded, but Sili noticed he went red soon after, "I mean... Oh Maker." He stumbled, rubbing his neck.
"Relax, Cullen." Sili laughed, "I won't hurt you because you mispronounced my name."
"Changing the subject, why couldn't you sleep?" Cullen asked, leaning against one of the merlons.
"I think there was just too much on my mind." Sili admitted, though being vague, "Not the first time, probably not the last."
"Well, we still have some planning to do and other areas to discover in the West, but didn't say you had something to do?" Cullen ask wearily.
"Depends on who wants to go, where, and what the plan is." Sili shrugged, "Now, it depends on who wants to go dragon hunting."
"You mean besides Bull? You take him out when you plan to hunt, a lot." Cullen shook his head, "At least you have him with you. When do you plan to leave?"
"As soon as everyone is ready that wants to go." Sili shrugged, thinking of who would want to go besides the Iron Bull. Besides Vivienne, anyone else wouldn't out right tell her no, so she figured her normal crew, "Thinking Varric and Dorian."
"You're not taking Solas?" Cullen blurted, but Sili saw him flinch.
"He doesn't get along all that well with Bull and Varric together." Sili replied.
"Do you two even talk anymore?" Cullen wondered, knowing it wasn't his place to ask, but he needed to know that the elf mage wouldn't hurt their Inquisitor.
"Yes, we keep our relationship friendly, but it just hurts a little." She stated and Cullen noticed a void in her words, "He said he couldn't be in a relationship for it would just hurt. I didn't want him to bait me so we just stopped."
Solas had come to her room and begged to be turned away and she didn't understand why. Though if Solas wanted to be alone so badly, she wasn't going to go on thinking that he wanted her. Sili had actually wanted to run off into the mountains, but in that moment she felt him. Looking around, past Cullen, she noticed him not that far away, "Cole, what is it?" She asked, causing Cullen to turn.
The human-spirit mix of an entity kept his hat over his eyes, but walked slowly over to the pair. Ever since Cole had become more human like, he didn't hear as much of what he used to, but he didn't mind. Sili had explain that feeling the 'big' hurts as he called it, meant that those were the people he needed to help the most.
Sili could see that he was trying to get his thoughts in order and watched him almost with a smile on her lips. Cullen even seemed more at ease around him, which in turn, had made Cole feel better. Cullen was one of the few that didn't mind the little entity, so long as he behaved. Sili though, had taken Cole in like a younger brother and she would protect him as such if it was needed.
"Lost, cold, confused, hurt beyond the Veil. Why didn't I let him stay, did I do the right thing?" Cole nearly whispered, but she caught it all, "Solas lied, yet he didn't. They are safe, but they are also in danger."
"Yes Cole." She replied softly, "It's only been a few days, but I will recover."
"But you want to run away? Who will be my family then?" Cole asked, but it hurt her to hear him say it.
Cullen immediately looked from Cole to Sili with a confused, yet worried look. Sili tried to ignore him and smiled at the two.
"Varric for sure, Cullen here would be. I don't want to run away, not forever. Just to let my head clear." She replied, "It's like a pent up ball and I need to release it."
"Why not just hit the Iron Bull, Sili? That seems to help Cassandra." Cole shot back, smiling and Sili couldn't stop the laugh that escaped her lips. Cullen had turned and pretended to cough to hide his laughter.
Cassandra and Bull had sparring matches regularly and some days he would just let any and everyone hit him. Though it was a good idea, she hadn't told many of her aches.
"I wish it were that simple, Cole." Sili replied, turning solemn again, "I know you worry for me. The only reason you know is that I let you."
Cole stayed quiet a moment, "Things were tried to be taken from you." He said, walking up so that only the three of them heard.
Sili rubbed her head, "Cole, what do you mean?"
"I can see, but..." Cole hesitated, "He wasn't stronger, but you were hurt..."
"Cole, what are going on about? Sili, what does he mean?" Cullen asked, as Sili watched his hand go to his sword hilt.
"Commander Cullen, you're needed." A scout came up, bowing to them, "A message for you, my Lady. I was told to give this to you, right away."
The scout handed her a sealed folded note, which she opened immediately.
Reading over it carefully, she nodded her thanks and looked to Cullen, "Commander, I need you to send forces to fortify Wycome."
Cullen knew that Wycome had become entangled with red lyrium and issues with the city elves as well as any nearby, including her clan. He bowed, but he leaned towards her before he departed, "We will talk later."
Sili thanked every races' gods and ancestors for taking Cullen away, "I know you want to try and fix this Cole. Sometimes a hurt has to be there to learn. Just being here, making me feel loved... making sure I don't do some really stupid..."
"Or dangerous?" Another voice came from a corner.
"Varric... Why am I not surprised." Sili let her head hit the wall with a thud.
"Hey Cole, can I talk with Desilinaris for awhile?" Varric asked, standing at the top of the stairs. Using her full name, that was never good.
"See you later." Cole smiled before disappearing.
Sili let her eyes slip close as the sun fully appeared over the mountains, slowly warming her. She could hear him approaching and as she opened her eyes, Varric was standing next to her. He touched her dangling leg and the look on his face would almost worry Sili, but it was the merchant dwarf after all.
"What did Cole mean?" Varric stated, getting to the point.
"Cole said a lot Varric, what point do you want to know about?" Sili replied, sliding off the wall and walking with Varric towards the tavern.
"You better be honest with me." Varric warned, "You running off and possibly doing something stupid?"
Sili actually laughed at that, she couldn't help it, "Varric, you of all people shouldn't worry." She shrugged, walking into the tower where it connected to the roof of the tavern. Sili kept quiet as she open the door, but didn't see Cole in his usual hiding spot.
"Just answer me, Sili." Varric shot back, not even looking at her.
Sili walked down the few steps and onto the tavern's loft, but Varric stopped her before she could get too far. She half ignored him and leaned up against the wall, the cool stones felt nice against her growing headache. She knew Varric was worried, he stated himself that he got too involved sometimes, but she felt this was for her alone.
"What about you running away?" Varric asked, coming to stand next to her.
"I just want to get this frustration out. Not just about Solas, but with everything." Sili admitted, "At least he and I can still fight together, but I can see it's hard for him even though he wanted to end it. It's just confusing."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. The Heroes never get a good break and if they do or don't, bad things will still happen." Varric replied, "Hawke had a few of those, but I was sure to take her down the Hanged Man to at least drown them."
"I know that most of Skyhold has seen me drunk more than once." She laughed, "But... I don't know. You and Cole need to know that there are somethings in this world that company can't cure."
"Sili, look at me." Varric pleaded.
To his surprise, the Inquisitor sighed and slid down the wall to sit next to him and faced him directly, "Varric..."
"Listen and listen good. I know you think that no one can or should be here, for you, but we are. I just don't want you to never come back." Varric stated, letting Sili rest her head on his shoulder for a moment.
"Do you want to go kill some dragons with me?" Sili asked suddenly, popping her head back up.
"This must be the stupid thing. You are actually going after them now, just because we got a few from Redcliffe and Crestwood. Great, now you have a high just like Tiny." Varric laughed, "Sure, I'll go and keep you all inline."
"Good, we just need to get Dorian and we can head out." Sili replied, pushing herself to a standing position.
Varric just laughed and shook his head, "I'll go grab Sparkler. You and Tiny meet us at the front gate." The merchant turned and headed back up the stairs, through the towers and ramparts.
Sili smiled at the retreating dwarf before descending the two flights of stairs to the ground where the Iron Bull and his Charges were hanging out. Bull seemed antsy as Sili and Krem locked eyes. The two inclined their heads in greeting.
"The Boss is getting bored. You can tell by the way he's sitting." Krem stated, almost begging the Inquisitor to do something.
"Bull?" Sili called, causing the Qunari to look at her. She tried not to laugh at the fact he looked like a young child trying hard not to break something, "I need you to come with me, Varric, and Dorian."
"What's up, boss? Something big?" Bull asked, slowly standing and making his way over to her.
"Actually, yes. We are heading back to Empress du Lion." Sili replied, keeping herself neutral, but still gauging his expression.
"Truly, boss? Are you planning what I hope you are." Bull grinned.
"Yes, we need to deal with the dragons that are left." Sili stated as if it were just another job, "Varric is getting Dorian and we need to meet them at the front gate."
"YES! Finally, some action!" Bull yelled, nearly running from the tavern.
"Thank you, Inquisitor." Krem smiled, bowing at her, "Come back safely."
"Keep things in order for me here, will you?" Sili asked, bowing her head.
"Sure thing." Krem replied to her retreating form.
As Sili left the tavern, she could hear the Iron Bull heading towards the front gate and a side glance at Cassandra nearly caused her to trip. The Seeker could only guess and waved at the retreating Inquisitor, bearing them safe travels. Sili could see Varric and Dorian coming down the stairs from the main hall and waited for them.
She could see Dorian looking around, "He's at the gate, waiting..." Sili smiled, "Something tells me we are going to be running towards Emprise du Lion."
"Oh great, just what I wanted." Dorian sighed, "At least he will be keeping the beasts distracted."
"Which ones?" Varric asked laughing.