Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me, nor does any of the other people mentioned.
One hot Sunday, Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were finally seventh years, were sitting drowsily around with nothing much to do. They relaxed listlessly in the shade of a tree, watching the Giant Squid swim in lazy circles around the lake, waving its ugly tentacles. Harry couldn't help but think of sashimi. Suddenly, Ron got a brilliant idea (or so he thought).
"Let's sneak off to Hogsmeade!" he cried enthusiastically.
"NO!" said Hermione severely. "You know very well that Harry isn't supposed to leave the castle. Besides, we might get caught!"
Unfortunately, this only made Harry determined to go.
"Let's go," he said, standing up. He and Ron got up and headed toward the secret passage hidden in the hump of one of the Hogwarts statues. Hermione followed them, sputtering indignantly.
A few minutes later, they emerged in the Honeyduke's cellar and snuck off to The Three Broomsticks. Hermione was still against this whole escapade, but she followed them anyway. They sat down to mugs of butterbeer. Hermione sat sipping hers with her lips drawn into a tight grimace and her eyes glared at them through her brown mane of bushy hair.
Ron and Harry sat drinking from their mugs staring wordlessly at each other.
"I'm bored again," Ron announced after a while. They had nothing to talk about.
"Me too," agreed Harry. Hermione's face was turning a lovely shade of maroon, the color of Mrs. Weasley's sweaters for Ron.
"Hey! I have another BRILLIANT idea!" cried Ron. His sudden brain spurts were making him feel like a genius! "Let's go into the MUGGLE world!" Hermione's tomato face blew up at that moment.
"WE are ALREADY in ENOUGH TROUBLE! Now, why don't we just GO BACK to the CASTLE and do some HOMEWORK? MAYBE you won't be so BORED anymore!" she vented.
Ron ignored her outburst.
"Nah, homework is boring. I want to go to a muggle restaurant! I've never been in one before!"
"Oh," said Harry. He had only gone to one three times in his whole entire life. The Dursleys never took him anywhere because they were stupid gits.
"We can grab our brooms and fly there," suggested Ron. "You can get them here with a summoning charm."
Harry was really really bored. So he agreed.
"Accio firebolt! Accio Ron's broom!" bellowed Harry thoughtlessly.
"Oh wait!" cried Hermione, " Maybe you should go outside and summon them--"
She was interrupted with a mighty CRASH! Two brooms zoomed in through the window amid a tinkle of glass.
"Reparo!" muttered Hermione in exasperation. The shards flew back into the windowpanes.
"Let's go!" said Harry. He and Ron headed out of the bar, carrying their brooms. Hermione grabbed onto the back of their robes.
"You can't!" she hissed fiercely. "Not with Voldemort on the loose!"
This only made Harry more determined to go, as usual. He was tired of everyone telling him what to do! He yanked his robes out of her hand.
"Let's go Ron," he said. Ron yanked his robes out of Hermione's hand as well.
"Let's," he said.
"NOOOOOO!" shrieked Hermione in desperation, but Harry and Ron had already sped out of the doorway. Hermione stumbled after them and managed to grab onto the tail of Ron's broom.
"I'm coming with you," she gasped. She climbed on behind Ron, and they were airborne.
They flew and they flew. Harry was overcome by the euphoria of flying. Ron had turned blue in the face because Hermione, who was very very scared, was strangling him. She tried not to look down at the vast, rolling countryside. It was a long way to fall. She was also wet and uncomfortable from flying in the clouds. She wished she hadn't come and had notified a teacher instead. Except it was too late, as it always was.
"Hey look!" cried Harry peering down through the clouds; "I see a restaurant over there!" It was a red square building in the middle of some nameless, unimportant little village somewhere in England.
"Let's land!" yelled Ron.
"Oh wait!" screamed Hermione. "The muggles will see us! We can't just land in front of them on broomsticks!"
"Oh yea," Harry acknowledged. He hadn't thought about that, which annoyed him."Let's land behind those trees over there."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly!" she exclaimed, "The muggles will see us anyway when we descend into the trees!"
"Then what are we supposed to do?" demanded Harry impatiently.
"Fly back to Hogwarts," she replied promptly.
Ron rolled his eyes. "Too bad you didn't bring your Invisibility cloak, Harry. Oh well. None of the muggles seem to be looking up. Let's land, but let's try to make ourselves look like birds just in case." Hermione sighed at his stupidity. That must have been the most idiotic thing that she had ever heard! She knew it wouldn't work, but Ron was feeling especially superior and brilliant at the moment, and she kindly decided not to burst his bubble.Since she didn't have a better plan, she went along with it.
Harry swooped straight down into the branches of a tree then squawked a couple of times. He hoped that the muggles would just dismiss him as a massive bird. Ron did the same, and tumbled into a few bushes. Hermione just sighed again and resigned herself to being thrown off into a nearby tree.
"OK!" yelled Ron energetically, "Let's go to the restaurant!"
"Oh wait!" cried Hermione yet again, "We can't just walk into the restaurant with two brooms and wearing wizard robes!"
"Yes we can," said Harry."We'll just say we got back from being actors in a fantasy movie." He felt a bit smug that Hermione hadn't thought of that.
"I guess that'll do," said Hermione doubtfully. They emerged from the bushes and walked toward the restaurant.
"I'm so embarrassed," blushed Hermione. They were getting a lot of odd stares. They walked into the restaurant, which was Italian. The name of it was something weird in Italian. A muggle man in fancy dress stood there to seat them, but when he saw what they were wearing, he stared.
"I'm sorry," he began, "But you have to be wearing a tie."
"Er…" said Harry.
"Actually, we're, um, actors…" said Ron. He did not have the slightest idea what actors were.
"We just got back from filming," lied Hermione glibly.
"Oh really?" said the man with interest. "You three do look familiar. What movie are you filming?"
"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire," answered Hermione without missing a beat.
"Wow!" yelled the man, impressed. "What are your names?"
"Er… Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson," lied Hermione, pointing to Harry, Ron, and then herself.
"Oh. I suppose you play Hermione and you play Ron," said the man, looking at Hermione and Ron. "Whom do you play?" he inquired politely to Harry.
"Harry Potter," replied Harry.
"I was under the impression that Harry Potter in the movie looked like Elijah Wood. You look too scrawny and you actually have a neck!" remarked the man to Harry. Harry did not know how to reply to this. "Also, your eyes are green, not blue like in the movie," continued the man.
"Er…" said Harry stupidly.
"Can I have your autographs?" asked the man.
"Sure…" said Harry. He felt like he was forging even though he was the REAL Harry Potter. They all signed a napkin that the man presented to them.
"Can we eat now?" complained Ron. His stomach was grumbling loudly.
"Sorry," replied the man, "But you need a tie."
"What?" yelped Ron angrily, "But we gave you our autographs!"
"Rules are rules," said the man, who turned away clutching the precious napkin.
"Well, I guess we should be getting on back to Hogwarts," said Hermione brightly as she dragged Ron out of the restaurant. Harry and Ron ignored her.
"I'm gonna JINX him!" exclaimed Ron.
"Don't. You'll get arrested," warned Hermione. They didn't have to worry about getting expelled because they were already 17 and of age anyway. Hermione whipped out her wand.
"You're not really going to JINX him are you?" asked Ron, extremely surprised.
"No, stupid. I'm just going to transfigure our robes into something presentable," answered Hermione. "Let's go into those trees again so the muggles don't see us."
She waved her wand and transfigured Ron and Harry's robes into two nice muggle suits and her own into a horrible frilly pink dress.
"That didn't come out quite right!" she exclaimed in horror, looking down at the monstrosity she had created. The dress was truly gruesome. It puffed out in pink clouds, and was covered in huge silk ribbons of a deeper pink, and every imaginable part was trimmed in white lace. It had a massive lace collar as well, and the skirt of the dress was generously festooned with many gaudy flowers and other flashy decorations that all clashed. It was a remarkably ugly dress. Hermione tried to change it, but more ribbons and more lace only materialized on the dress.
"That doesn't suit you," Ron put in bluntly.
"That's the best I can do," snapped Hermione, scowling at Ron through the huge cumbersome collar of her dress.
"Let's go," cut in Harry, trying to prevent an argument. They entered the restaurant again, after hiding their brooms in the bushes.
"Is this better?" snarled Hermione at the man.
"Fine, fine… are you getting married?" asked the man with a slight smirk as he lookedat the massive ribbons and excessive amount of frills and lace scattered all over Hermione's ugly regalia. Ron snickered unkindly.
"NO!" growled Hermione. She was in a foul mood.
"Please, just show us to a table," sighed Harry.
"Fine," said the man, "Please wait here."
And they waited and they waited and they waited…
One hour later…
Hermione was red in the face. She was tired of this idiotic excursion! All because of Ron's stupid boredom! Who cared about his needs when she had her own? She wasn't feeling very pleasant. There was a scowl on her face that was just as repulsive as hergrotesque pink dress. Ron pointedly avoided Hermione, and was thinking about how much muggle service stank. He was practically starving! He and Harry played rock paper scissors out of extreme boredom and talked about Quidditch. Right when they were getting comfortable on the topic of the Chudley Cannons, the man appeared. He led them into the middle of the restaurant.
"Here are your seats," he said grandly. It was a fancy table. A lacy white tablecloth covered the table, and a candle and a vase with a single rose sat in the center of the table. Enough plates and silverware for three people were carefully laid out in front of the three chairs. Harry, Ron, and Hermione took their seats and spread out a napkin that was folded in the shape of some weird hat-like object on their laps. They picked up the menus.
"Oh wait!" cried Hermione yet again, "Did anyone bring muggle money?"
"Er…" said Harry, looking gormless. The Dursleys never gave him any money.
"I do!" cried Ron triumphantly. His ego was inflating by the minute! "Dad gave me some muggle money from his collection as a birthday gift!"
"How much?" asked Hermione.
"Around 200 dollars, I think," replied Ron.
"That'll do." Hermione relaxed. She did not ask how Mr. Weasley could afford to give Ron 200 dollars for fear of insulting Ron. After all, muggle money could be converted into galleons, sickles, and knuts. She decided to dismiss this thought and slumped into her seat, looking like a melting pink cake.
"What's with all these names in a weird language?" Ron grumbled, looking at the menu.
"May I help you?"A waiter wearing a suit suddenly appeared. He peered over Ron's shoulder and into the menu. "May I suggest the something something something? (the name of the food was in Italian) It's simply marvelous."
"Um, ok," said Ron.
"I'll have the same," said Harry. He had no idea how to order food.
"I'll have the something something something (it was in Italian too)" said Hermione magnificently.
"Fantastic," said the waiter, jotting it all down on his notepad. "And may I suggest something to drink?" he asked.
"Water is fine," said Harry, but the waiter was persistent.
"How about some lemonade for the lady?" suggested the waiter.
"I want some too!" yelled Ron. The waiter added two lemonades to the bill. Then, they waited for their food… and waited… and waited…and waited. It took forever, it seemed to them. They were starving.
Finally, their food came. Harry's and Ron's turned out to be just simple macaroni and cheese. They felt it was a rip-off. Hermione got pasta, chicken, and mushrooms all slathered in a nameless white cheese. It looked delicious. They all dove into their food, but Ron was still hungry. The food had only come in a microscopic plate. It had been such a small portion!
Ron then ordered the same stuff that Hermione ordered,and then some garlic bread,and then A LOT of dessert, which included ice cream, and was finally satisfied. He sank back with a huge burp and placed his hand on his bloated stomach with a content expression on his face.
"Ron, please," said Hermione in exasperation. He looked like he was about to fart and adjust his belt as well.
"Bill please," said Harry to the waiter. The waiter handed him the bill. The total was $156.68!
"No problem!" said Ron. He whipped a shabby bag out of his suit pocket and took out some muggle money. He handed it to the waiter. The waiter looked at it. And stared.
"Is this some kind of a joke?" he demanded angrily.
"What?" asked Ron stupidly.
"Look at this, LOOK AT THIS!" cried the man furiously, waving the money in the air. "This is a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL!"
"What?" exclaimed Ron, "I could have sworn it was two-hundred dollars!"
The man pointed to the number on the corner of the bill with hands trembling from anger. It said twenty.
"I never was good at reading muggle money," sighed Ron. Hermione's face was a rosy pink that matched her dress. She should have listened to her instincts and checked the money! The whole restaurant was staring at their table. Harry just wanted to sink through his chair and disappear into the ground. Ron's face had gone pale and his ears were hot and red. He didn't feel so smart and superior anymore, and his ego had popped. Ron sank lower into his chair. He looked like he was trying to hide himself in the cushions. The manager of the restaurant walked over.
"Is there a problem?" he queried in a thick Italian accent.
"These kids can't pay their bill!" cried the waiter.
"Oh no, not another one today," sighed the manager. He looked gravely at the three teenagers.
"Well, um, maybe we could make it up to you by washing the dishes or something," put in Hermione in a small voice.
"And get myself a few broken dishes? Oh no, little girl, out of the question," said the manager. He continued to stare at them.
"Perhaps we can make a trade?" asked Hermione quietly. She looked up at the manager with wide eyes. The manager looked interested.
"What do you have to trade?" he questioned. Harry thought about his expensive Firebolt with a sinking feeling.
"I have a broom…" muttered Harry looked down into his lap.
"A BROOM?" screamed the hot-tempered waiter, "Brooms are worthless! They are used to sweep floors for heaven's sake! Stop mocking us! We are not as gullible as you think!" Harry looked back down at his lap, embarrassed. He had forgotten that they were with muggles.
"Oh! I know! How about my dress?" cried Hermione gladly; "I bought it off of Yves Saint Laurent. It's a designer dress and very unique! It costs thousands! I don't even know why I'm parting with it! But since I'm Emma Watson it doesn't matter anyway because I'm famous and I have a lot of money so I can probably buy another dress just like it!" Hermione was speaking fervently, like she usually did when she was lying through her buckteeth.
"Oh really?" said the manager. His eyes gleamed greedily as he looked at Hermione's suddenly lovely, expensive, and tasteful dress. "Yves Saint Laurent you say eh? I guess we could deal with that. But how can you prove it?" Hermione glanced desperately at Harry. Harry quickly took out his wand under the table and pointed it at Hermione's dress. Hermione suddenly felt an itch at the back of her neck.
"Look here!" she smiled and pointed to the base of her neck. There was a tag sticking out of her dress, which said Yves Saint Laurent on it, but it was spelled "Eves San Lahront". No one noticed though because they couldn't spell it correctly either.
"Well that certainly is solid evidence," said the waiter, who had calmed down. "I pride myself on being a fashion expert, and I can see Yves Saint Laurent's work in her dress. See the elegant cut and lining of the dress? And the way the ribbons are arranged? And the way all those buttons and jewels seem to clash yet fit together in harmony? This is certainly the work of the famous master designer." Hermione blushed, a little embarrassed. She was also surprised by their gullibility.
"OK, well hand over the dress," said the manager, who had suddenly lost his thick Italian accent.
"Oh wait!" remembered Hermione, "I need some clothes to change into after I take off this dress!"
"We can't help you there," replied the waiter, "we're not giving you anymore free stuff."
"Alright," sighed Hermione, "I have a few spare clothes to change into. Let me go to the bathroom." She glanced at Ron and Harry, meaning for them to follow her.
"Come in with me," she said, as she entered the women's restroom.
"But we can't!" protested Ron, "This bathroom is for girls!"
"Who cares? You went into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom didn't you? Besides, it's empty." Hermione nudged Ron (who had a lookof horroron his face)and Harry (who couldn't care less) into the bathroom. Then, she turned around and locked the door with a spell so that no one couldget in.
"We need to figure out a way to get me some clothes here," she said, "And we just can't summon them. What do you think the muggles will say if they see robes speeding over the countryside toward here?"
"Maybe you can transfigure something, like this soap over here," suggested Ron.
"Maybe…" said Hermione uncertainly. She squeezed a glob of pink soap into her hand and pointed her wand at it. It turned into another ugly dress exactly like the one she had made earlier out of her Hogwarts robes.
"Wonderful! Wear that!" exclaimed Ron.
"I can't," replied Hermione, "A dress as large as this, the muggles will wonder where I've been hiding it!" She turned the dress back into a glob of soap.
"That's going to be a problem," remarked Harry. None of them thought of the fact the Hermione could just transfigure the dress she was wearing back into her robes and give the newly transfigured awful pink dress to the manager. They sat there and thought for a long time. Suddenly, a thought occurred to Harry.
"How'd you get us these nice suits then?" asked Harry.
"I don't know…" replied Hermione. It certainly was odd that she managed to create something actually normal for Harry and Ron, but couldn't seem to for herself. Then she noticed a tiny crack in her wand. She must have damaged her wand when she was thrown off the broom, which was probably why it was working so inconsistently.
"How about you guys try the spell this time? Maybe it'll turn into something normal!" suggested Hermione.
"Ok," said Harry doubtfully, "What was the spell again?"
"Honestly! Haven't you been listening in Transfiguration?" sighed Hermione.
"Um… and why would we do that?" wondered Ron.
"It's Vetementski! And you have to wave your wand like this!" said Hermione, demonstrating.
"Like this?" asked Ron. He gave his wand a flick and pointed it at the toilet. The toilet turned into a snail.
"Oh Ron," grumbled Hermione. She changed the snail back into a toilet.
"How's this?" tried Harry. He muttered the incantation and pointed his wand at the soap dispenser. It turned into a sock.
"Keep trying," said Hermione hopefully. They did, but neither Ron nor Harry managed to successfully tranfigure an object into something wearable. All they got were more socks and more snails and an occasional earmuff.
Finally, Harry got tired of trying.
"You know what?" he said to Hermione, "These clothes you've transfigured for us are three piece suits. I'll let you have the shirt and I'll just button up the jacket. Ron can give you his pants because he's wearing boxers and they look like shorts anyway."
"Hey!" yelped Ron, "Why do I have to be the one in boxers?"
"Because you're the one who got us into this mess in the first place. After all, WHO was the one who wanted to eat in a muggle restaurant?" accused Harry. Ron saw the logic in this and grudgingly gave up his pants, and Harry gave Hermione his shirt. She went into a stall to change and came out carrying the massive pink dress. Ron's white scrawny and freckly legs stuck out from a horrible pair of orange Chudley Cannon boxers that clashed with his hair. Unfortunately, Quidditch players were zooming up and down his pants.
"That can't be good if muggles see that," remarked Harry. Hermione simply put a freezing charm on the boxers, and Ron ended up getting a cold butt. They walked out into the restaurant, a little awkwardly in the case of Ron. They all flushed deep crimson. Everyone was staring shamelessly at their bum-like states.
"Here's the dress," said Hermione blushing. She shoved it into the manager's hands and fled out of the restaurant with Ron and Harry. Quickly, they dove behind the bushes and took out the brooms, then walked out 2 miles to a secluded area and took off.
They headed back to Hogwarts, but it took them quite a while. They seemed to be flying in the wrong direction at one point, and Hogwarts had so many spells to prevent muggles from finding it that they were hindered even more, even though they were two wizards and a witch. The sun was already setting when they landed before the main entrance.
"Oh dear," said Hermione apprehensively as Professor McGonagall rushed out onto the lawn to meet them. What followed was a massive scolding which resulted in all three of them being sent to detentions with Filch and 100 points each from Gryffindor. It was all Ron's fault. The end.