A/N: This ficlet is totally AU and meant to cheer up Pillie-Biper10 on Tumblr. There's more to follow after this under "Broadcrack"! I did feel utterly warm and fuzzy writing this!
April Fools, Hardy
Alec Hardy studied the note for the third time. "Is she for real?" he blurted, perking his head back up to face Ellie. She shrugged and shot him an apologetic look.
"Your reaction is as good as mine," she began. "If Jenkinson requests you to specifically do it, I wouldn't refuse…"
"Bloody hell..." He brought his hands to his hips and tossed the note across his desk. "When does she want it done by?"
"3 o'clock."
"That's in fifteen minutes!" Hardy exclaimed. "What does she think I am - a bloody time traveller? Why can't she get someone else for the job? Aren't there people for that sort of thing?" His stubborn nature didn't exactly earn his place in Jekinson's good books – more like the opposite. Despite that, he shrugged on his blazer and hurried towards his office door, grabbing his coat along the way. He patted his pockets and frowned.
"Something wrong?" she asked; she was picking up on his concern.
"Can't find my car keys," he grumbled, "forget it, there's no time. I'll walk it. Search for them in there, will you?" He pointed at the pile of papers littered across his desk and marched out, avoiding the chance to give Ellie the opportunity to reply.
Alec trudged through the hallway, not bothering to look up at his colleagues who greeted him with brief smiles or a little lift of their police hats and a nod if they were in uniform. He strode across the reception, past the glass door exit without saying a word to the officer that held the door for him. He emerged outside. Harsh, golden sunlight punched his eyes. Bloody hell.
…
Ellie's head bobbed up from her desk. Everyone suddenly became livelier since Alec's temporary absence and she couldn't help but walk over to the group of colleagues standing by the kitchenette who were engaged in a discussion. Anna's head perked up from the group and she smiled upon seeing Ellie's arrival.
"We're going out for a drink tonight," she began. She passed Ellie a mug. "You're coming, right? Bob won a hundred quid from those scratch cards and it's all on him."
"Oh, brilliant!" Ellie beamed. Then her expression fell. "No, sorry, I have to pick Fred up from the childminder and I can't turn up sober," she joked. She opened a cupboard and plucked a tea bag from the silver tin.
"That's fine, we'll take some sober selfies for you," she giggled, passing her the kettle. Ellie poured the water into her cup – and almost flung it towards Anna at the sound of the door crashing open. Instead, boiling water splashed onto her hand.
"Shit!" she gasped, drying the sore spot on her trousers.
"For God's sake!" Ellie spun around at that voice and saw Hardy, fuming and ready to give some bullocking. Everyone came to an abrupt halt – even Bob who had to swallow his tea as quietly as possible before gradually lowering his mug from his mouth. The silence was deafening… "Bloody practical jokes," Alec spat out, holding up a piece of paper that had the words "SHAVE ME" in red Sharpie. "You think this is funny – sticking this on my back?" He felt his dignity seep out of the room the moment he noticed a number of officers genuinely trying to suppress their laughter.
The pain on Ellie's hand had long gone and the feeling she felt was total merriment. Honestly, she wanted to burst out laughing but she saw the hardened expression Alec kept on since day 1 crack. Superintendent Jenkison entered the room with a frown etched on her face, stopping Ellie from doing anything.
"What's all the commotion?" she demanded. Her expression, however, relaxed when she saw Alec. "Ah, just in time." This sent Alec on fire.
"You were in on this, weren't you?" he seethed. "Letting your colleagues put bloody signs on people's backs and making them go out to get some bloody printing paper because we run out so everyone in public can laugh at them!" His Scottish brogue grew sharper and raw after each word. He shoved the plastic bag in front of Jenkinson. "You can take your bloody printing paper. Don't bloody think a 99 will solve everything!"
Jekinson spoke up that matched Alec's tone. "Alec Hardy, you are not to be speaking to me in that manner." Alec blinked. She took the plastic bag and composed herself. "I had nothing to do with this practical joke – if you must know, and because we are all grown ups, I expect this to be resolved in the work area when I come back down. Am I clear?" He gave a feeble nod and glared at the rest of the people in the room who were watching. In response they instantly ducked their heads to their tables and muttering ensued.
Ellie followed Alec into his office. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea," she said after he closed the door.
"You didn't?" he boggled slumping on his desk chair. "You're Mrs. Popular here you should know what's going on. And did you find my car keys?"
"No, sorry." He grumbled a string of curses. "Stop being a sore loser. It's April Fools – it's like tradition for us to play jokes on each other, even Jenkinson. Liven up a bit." Ellie cringed at that last bit and Alec stared at her. "No, sorry, you don't do lively." Alec picked up the sign that had been posted on his back and Ellie swore she caught a glimpse of a smile tug at the corners of his mouth. It was hidden beneath that beard, but it was there.
"Not bad," he finally admitted. Shave me. He instinctively ran a hand through his face.
"You gonna find out who did it?" Ellie wondered excitedly. "Do your detective thing? Will you get them back?" Alec shook his head.
"No point."
There was a knock at the door and Alec noticed it was the officer who had opened the door for him at the reception that afternoon. He motioned for the officer to come in. "Sir," he greeted. Alec nodded in return and eyed the man.
"What is it?" he grunted. The officer gave an uneasy look and shuffled on the spot. He held two pink slips and rustled with them to the point that they were beginning to crumple in his hands.
"Sorry, I just didn't want to waste your time. I got the call slips you left for me and called a Mr. Lyon and Mrs. Wolfe at the Paignton Zoo regarding the-" he read one of the slips, "regarding the police escort for the lions from Edinburgh Zoo for the 'Annual ceremony of washing the lions and presentation of the lion king'." Ellie pursed her lips and tore her gaze from the officer to the straight-faced Alec who sat there silently listening.
"What did they say?" Alec insisted.
"If I called them again, they'll ask to cut my line from them."
"Okay, I'll have a word with them. Let's not bring this any further from here. We wouldn't want it to reach Jenkinson," Alec reassured.
The officer nodded in thanks and before he turned around, he noticed the "SHAVE ME" sign on the desk. "April fools," he grinned, nodding at the sign before heading out of the office. Alec nodded back at him with a hardened glare. Stunned, Ellie snorted.
"You dark horse, you," she jeered, lightly slapping Alec's shoulder. "'Annual ceremony of washing the lions and presentation of the lion king'," she echoed, shaking her head. Alec lifted a brow.
"He should know not to mess with me."
"When did you figure out it was him?"
"On my way back to the station," he said too calmly to be sane and with the straight face. "He held the door for me – no one holds the door for me. He must have snuck it on when I walked past him." Ellie watched him lean back on his chair and then lean forwards to face his computer. Then she realised something.
"Then why did you shout at all of us after you found out?"
"To see your scared faces," Alec replied as if she were a simpleton.
"The whole room wanted to laugh at you," she objected flatly.
"Yeah, I'll have to shoot them for that." Ellie glared at him. "It was a joke, Miller. I got work to do," he murmured as a subtle hint for her to leave him in peace and she did so. He flicked to his emails and noticed he had one unopened message. He clicked on it. There was a picture of his car keys in the message.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOUR CAR KEYS ARE BEING HELD HOSTAGE. IN EXCHANGE FOR THEM YOU MUST MAKE ME A CUP OF TEA WITH A SPLASH OF MILK AND TWO SUGARS. I HAVE ALOCATED A 17:00 TIME SLOT AT THE KITCHONETTE FOR THE EXCHANGE. FAILING IN DOING SO WILL RESULT IN THE CONFISCATION OF YOUR CAR.
E.
"Oh for fu-"