After the incident everybody noticed Toki had started acting differently. They didn't say anything, Hell at first everybody felt...Off about what had happened, they had nearly lost two people they were close to. The first initial couple of weeks they did feel a bit protective of Toki and the guitarist seemed grateful for the attention and the security in that. After that though they went with the plan of forgetting it, at least pretending that they had forgotten about it. What they couldn't just forget they would drink to at least put it on the back burner until they sobered up. The brown haired guitarist was the only one not able to do that, he seemed to jump at nearly every loud sound, got nervous when his band mates would fight, and appeared to not be sleeping much at all. He looked exhausted and had fallen asleep twice during recording sessions. Everybody agreed to not talk about it, well they talked about it, but not to Toki. Swisgaar was the only one having problems leaving it at that; he always felt a weird connection to the brunette. Possibly because they were the only two members of their group who weren't born and raised in the USA, they both were guitarists nearly on the same skill levels, and just naturally seemed drawn to one another. He remembered when they had first met; he had felt bad seeing the homeless teenager, he had actually wanted him to turn out to be a great or even decent guitarist so they could place him in their band. He'd never openly admit that, like he wouldn't admit how pretty the boy was, or that one time they had had sex while their band mates had been away. It was one of those events they swore to not talk about even if he felt the urge to repeat history every now and again.
He'd felt like shit trying to pretend his friend didn't exist when he'd been kidnapped. He knew it was wrong to do that, to just binge drink and do drugs, and pretend Toki was never in the band. It seemed better than accepting the massive possibility that the rhythm guitarist had been killed. He'd been scared thinking that they'd go into the building to find Toki dead, he wasn't sure how he'd handle something like that. He'd been so happy to find him alive; starved, severely scarred, and terrified, but he was alive. He hadn't thought much of it when he grabbed him by the hand and taken him away from there. Nobody else seemed to notice, Toki only held his hand tightly like he was scared to be ripped away. He couldn't really blame him for that fear. Swisgaar had hoped that they'd all move past it, just another shit thing that happened, would hurt them, but they'd repress it like they did with most things. He forgot Toki was never very good at doing that.
The first time they tried to leave Toki alone he'd freaked out, he'd said he was scared to be alone. Swisgaar had agreed to stay with him, watched movies with him, and didn't bring up what had happened. The first time he'd had a nightmare he'd ended up in the blond's room, in his bed; normally he would have kicked him out. He couldn't get himself to do it this time, he'd let him stay, and didn't complain when Toki curled up against him. He'd traced the deeply embedded scars on his back, chest, and arms; he thought about the first time he'd seen Toki shirtless. When he'd seen the massive scars on his back, he hadn't asked about them at first. When he finally did Toki had lied and just said he had fallen and hurt himself, then another time he'd said he'd been attacked by a bear. Every time he changed it until he finally came clean about his parents and the way they had treated him. Swisgaar had been pissed off, he'd wanted to beat Toki's father to death; he had to admit he was sort of happy the man was dead now. He knew how badly it messed the guitarist up, but it was better if the man was gone.
He hoped Toki would get over it, as cruel as that sounded. He seemed to get past his father's death, break ups, and everything else. There was a good possibility he would get over this as well or at least place it in the back part of his mind and pretend that he was alright. Swisgaar and the others had to give him credit though, he was trying to pretend that he was fine. It was just difficult to believe him when he looked so fucking exhausted and close to losing it so often.
Today was one of the days that the others decided to leave, they said they were getting bored and freaked out being inside so much. Swisgaar had decided to stay behind, he said it was to work on guitar tracking, but he mostly just wanted to keep an eye on Toki. He felt wrong at the thought of just leaving him alone, he wasn't entirely sure where the younger man was hiding out; probably in his room. He seemed to stay there a lot of the time, it was one of the only places he seemed to feel remotely safe when he was alone. Swisgaar remained in his own room playing guitar, his lifelong nervous habit; it was like a comfort for him, when he played he couldn't hear things going on including the things going on inside his own head. He'd been spending weeks trying to get over what had happened to his friend, he couldn't stop thinking about it though.
The door to his room opened, Toki walked in looking around with wide scared blue eyes until the spotted the blond haired man.
"There yous are, I can't finds the others and I thoughts maybe yous was gone too."
He went up to the older man, he took the guitar away from him setting it down on the bed. He settled himself on his lap wrapping his arms around him hugging him. Swisgaar tensed and thought about pushing him off or yelling at him, but held off.
"Whats are you doing Toki?"
The brown haired man pulled back looking away, embarrassed.
"Sorry I just, I gots scared; I um had another ones of those dreams again and then I woke up and everyones was gone."
Fuck he looked bad. Swisgaar pushed his hair away from his face, fingers lightly brushing against his cheek. He looked at the circles around his eyes, he tried to think if he'd even seen him eat anything in the past couple of days, but he wasn't entirely sure. He just noticed the guitarist was still on his lap, he knew he should throw him off, but he couldn't. He draped an arm around his waist allowing him to continue to sit there, he sort of wanted to kiss him.
"Whats kinds of dream did yous have?"
"Oh well you knows just about whats happened. I dreamed that yous guys didn't come for me and I was killed and it was really terribles...I know you guys came for me, I just..." he looked frustrated, shook his head his hair falling back into place.
"Yours our friend of course we saved you, don't be stupids."
"I knows that, but it was a really longs time, I was so happy when I saws you." He met the older man's eyes again, tried to smiled but failed.
"I was happy too, I missed yous...Even if you're sort of in the ways some of the time."
Toki rest his head against the older man's chest, Swisgaar held him more protectively. He felt protective over him just like always, but it felt stronger now. He rubbed his hand along his back knowing very well about the pattern of new and old scars beneath his shirt, he wondered how much sooner they could have gotten him if they hadn't wasted so much time fucking around and pretending their band mate wasn't in trouble. He pressed a kiss to the side of the brown haired man's head, he felt like a prick. He couldn't understand Toki wanting to be so close to him especially when he and the others had considered just forgetting him and letting him die.
"Whens I was there and they were torturing me I woulds think about when I joined the band. Thats was probably the best day of my wholes life."
He pulled back smiling up at Swisgaar. This time he did kiss him, it was quick and gentle. He broke away feeling stupid, Toki was still looking at him mildly shocked by the sudden kiss and how quickly it had ended. The brown haired man placed a hand on the back of his neck, he kissed him. His fingers tangled in the older man's long blond hair, he was cautious; it wasn't like they hadn't kissed before, but he was still scared that Swisgaar would tell him to go away even if he'd initiated it. The older guitarist kissed back, Toki pressed his body flush against the older man's as the kiss deepened. Swisgaar moved his hands up under the back of the younger man's shirt. He felt along the scars and the indents they placed in Toki's skin; he tried to push their origin to the back of his mind. He helped the other man remove his shirt, he lay him down on the bed crawling on top of him. He sat straddling his lap, Swisgaar removed his own shirt dropping it on the floor, Toki sat up kissing and licking down along the side of the older man's neck. His hands roamed down over Swisgaar's chest and stomach stopping at the hem of his jeans, he really wished he'd move further. He pushed Toki back onto the bed, he kissed him roughly. He tangled his fingers in his hair and jerked his head back, the younger man moaned, Swisgaar trailed his tongue along the front of his throat. He ground his hips down against the younger man liking the sound of his moaning and the way he bucked his hips; he noticed how frantic and needy Toki was in the way he was moving and kissing. He liked it, it was desperate and he knew how much the other man needed him right now. It reminded him of when they'd escaped that building, how tightly Toki had held onto his hand like he'd been scared to death to get separated from him ever again. Swisgaar kissed along his chest being careful of the scars that he knew were still sensitive, he traced ever mark; Toki whimpered and moaned his breathing heavy and eyes half lidded.
"Please Swisgaar, I reallys want yous."
They probably shouldn't even be doing this, Toki was scared, and not coping well with what had happened. He just wanted security and comfort, but they'd been here before. They had a connection that everyone noticed, but never mentioned or spent too much time on. He kissed him harder when he thought about how he could have lost him, could have lost his closest friend. Toki's fingers tangled in his hair, he had a leg wrapped around his lower back trying to get their bodies closer together with the boundary of pants in the way. Okay he wanted him, a lot.
Swisgaar usually liked going slow, taking as much time as possible; he never thought of sex as something that had to be rushed. Right now he just needed this, needed him, and to know fully that he wasn't dead. He removed their pants and underwear, Toki grabbed the bottle of lube from the floor handing it to the blond haired guitarist. Swisgaar settled between the younger man's legs, he coated his fingers with lube, and pushed them inside of the other man. Toki moaned burying his face against the older man's neck biting and kissing. Swisgaar continued moving his fingers inside of him, thrusting them inside of him until he hit his prostate. The brown haired man moaned loudly cursing at the sensation, Swisgaar repeatedly brushed his fingers against his friend's sweet spot. He kissed him passionately swallowing each moan. He pulled his fingers out, he rubbed lube over his cock before pushing himself inside of him. Toki wrapped his legs around his back pulling him in deeper, Swisgaar bit into his neck moaning at the feeling of the younger man's body being wrapped around him. He wasn't really sure why they had only done this one time before. He pulled out then pushed back in harder this time, he gripped tightly to Toki's hips. He thrust into him harder and faster, Toki threw his head back against the bed his voice going louder and a bit more feminine. He noticed his voice had a way of hitting kind of more womanly pitches, he didn't mind it; he sort of liked it. He removed his left hand from his hip, he found the younger man's hand taking hold of it. Toki met him thrust for thrust, they kissed desperately; teeth nipping at lower lips, tongues rubbing over one another.
Swisgaar wrapped his free hand around Toki's cock stroking him, he hoped to make him cum before himself. They broke apart from kissing resting their foreheads against each others, both men moaning and panting as they grew closer to the edge. Toki cried out, eyes closing tightly as he came into the older man's hand and onto his stomach; his body tensing, biting at his bottom lip. Swisgaar licked along his jawline, he kissed him gently as the brunette rode out his orgasm. He came to his own two thrusts later; he pulled out of him laying down next to the younger guitarist. Toki turned over onto his side, their fingers still intertwined.
"I knows I should probably leaves, go backs to my room before the others get back." Toki said beginning to pull away.
Swisgaar wrapped an arm around his waist pulling him close again.
"No yous can stay...I um wanted to tells you I'm sorry about what happened to yous."
"Whats do you mean, it wasn't yours fault?" Toki asked confused.
"Wes should have looked for yous quicker, but we didn't. Just you means a lot to me, you really do; we should have looked for yous sooner. I knows it still bothers you a lot, I thinks about it a lot too."
Toki smiled sadly, "I knows I should gets over it, but it's really hard."
Swisgaar pressed a kiss against his forehead.
"If it makes it better then maybes you can talk to me about it. It's somethings really hard to forget about."
"That'd be nice, can I sleeps in here tonight...I don't like trying to sleeps alone."
"Sure, I sorts of like having yous close by..You knows because of dreams and such."
That and the fact he'd woken from nightmares fearing that they'd never rescued the rhythm guitarist at all. This way he'd know everything was fine and that they had gone for him, he didn't mind falling asleep with Toki curled up against him. He just liked knowing at least for once his friend was actually getting sleep at least for now and that he was back home where he belonged.