"Approximately 2.6 hours until relay contact Mr Moreau." Intoned the AI smoothly. Joker glared at the globe of light serving as its visual presence.
"Yeah thanks, I can read the monitors myself. I'm really pretty good at this." He waved a hand to dismiss the projection, frowning again when it did not disappear. Before he could snap something caustic its way, the damn thing spoke again.
"Greetings crew-member Vakarian,"
Surprised, Joker swiveled his chair around to face his unexpected visitor, waving the AI's dismissal once again, this time successfully.
"Garrus, you don't normally make it this far from the main battery," he smirked. The Turian nodded awkwardly, but said nothing. Palavan's natives weren't exactly the most expressive in the galaxy and Garrus's features were less flexible than most since his recent gang sponsored mandible realignment procedure, but he was visibly troubled by something.
"Everything alright?" Joker asked, letting some of his standard snarkiness slip.
"Mmm," Garrus had been staring at the cockpit floor, but at last turned his bright stare onto the pilot. "It's Shepard" he said with a frown and a sigh.
"Is she okay?" he replied "You didn't radio for medical attention at pickup so I thought-"
"It's not that." The Turian cut him off. "On Horizon…"
"Yeah?"
"Alenko was there."
"Kaiden?"
"Yeah… it ah,… it didn't go well"
—
The elevator hummed quietly. Until now, Joker had considered the increased speed (relative to the elevators on the SR1) an improvement almost on par with his leather pilot's seat, but as he neared deck one he wished he had a little more time to force together some sort of plan. He'd only been to this level of the ship once, during his initial tour of The Normandy. He'd teased Shepard about the excessive space Cerberus had provided her with. He winced slightly as he thought of her up here by herself in the cavernous (by military standards) quarters. Before the attack- before she had died saving him- just, before, Alenko had more or less moved into her cabin on the SR1. Of course they'd thought they'd been subtle, trying to project the illusion of professional distance out of some misguided respect for trivial regulations- but pretty much everyone on board had known about their relationship. Joker had bumped into Kaiden as he left Shepard's room on more than morning, but had never offered any judgment or input beyond a raised eyebrow or good natured smirk. Now, he thought, Shepard would be waking up alone to all that space and all that silence.
The doors slid open and he lingered awkwardly for a while in the space between her cabin and the elevator. The door was unlocked- was that a good or a bad sign? He had no idea. What would he find inside? Joker had no clue how to go about improving the situation, as much as he might want to. He didn't like to think of her in pain- and, from what Garrus had told him of her exchange with Kaiden, how could she not be? But this wasn't exactly his area. He wished, vaguely, that Liara was there- or Tali, or Ashley. They might have been able to pull out some girly crap and save the day. But him? What could he do? He remembered a conversation with his little sister from just before he accepted Ceberus' offer. She'd been having trouble with some guy she'd been seeing- her first real boyfriend. The idiot had said something, or done something- he couldn't remember now- to upset her, and Joker hadn't been able to do anything to cease her tears. Well, other than make terrible jokes that earned him a few weak smiles. Thanks to his Vrolik's Syndrome, he hadn't even been able to deploy the standard big brother response of offering to beat the jackass up for her. But now that he was back in control of a deadly war frigate… That thought might get a giggle out of Gunny, but he doubted the Commander would appreciate the suggestion of testing out their new Thanix cannon on Alenko. This wasn't a teenage fling, he thought with a grimace; this was the love of her life- or lives… Whatever.
With a sigh and an anxious rub of his jaw, Joker bit the bullet and knocked.
"Commander?" he called, shuffling awkwardly into the cabin. Shepard had been sat on the bed, clutching her knees but snapped into officer mode as soon as he spoke. She moved to stand so quickly it reminded him of a bad video feed.
"Joker," she said, folding her arms across her chest and holding her back straight- every inch the powerful Commander from Alliance propaganda but for the Cerberus insignia on her shoulder and the tear tracks on her cheeks. "Is everything okay with the ship?" she asked.
"The Normandy is fine." He answered. "Is everything okay with her commander?"
Shepard shifted a little, her face impassive.
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Oh you can cut that shit out right now." Her eyes widened a little at his raised tone.
"Joker-"
"With all due respect Commander," he worked his way over to the sofa and gestured for her to join him. "cram the noble suffering in silence crap." Shepard remained where she stood, blinking dazedly at him. He jerked his hand again and this time she acquiesced with a quiet sigh.
"Garrus told you?" she said stiffly.
"Yeah, he's pretty worried about you."
Shepard let out a noise somewhere between a groan and a bitter laugh, but said nothing. They sat in silence for a while, until at last she let a thought burst through.
"He said I'd betrayed him."
"Shit." It was all he could think of to say.
"For a second, I really thought it was gonna be okay," Her voice was taught with sorrow. "I was just so relieved to see him- and when he hugged me I…" she trailed off "Talk about naive."
"Shepard," he sighed, not knowing what to say or how to say it. "When you… After Alchera… Kaiden just… it destroyed him- and then when they managed to salvage some of your helmet feed that had bounced off a com buoy… listening to that was just too much."
Shepard seemed shocked by this revelation. "I don't remember" she whispered. "I just remember the pain… what did I say?"
Joker grimaced. "You didn't really say anything… it was just…" he took a breath "just screams."
Shepard let her head fall into her hands. Shit. Should he put an arm around her? Hug her? He had no idea how to deal with this from anyone, let alone his Commander. He resolved to just continue his explanation.
"After that he just disappeared. We figured he'd gone back to Earth- to his parents. I tried to stay in touch, sent a few emails. But I never got anything back. I guess I was the last person in the galaxy he wanted to talk to after-" he took another deep breath "after I got you killed."
At that, Shepard sat up again, staring at him.
"Joker don't." She started, but he pressed on.
"No Shepard, I… I need to say this" He heard his voice waver slightly. "I'm sorry. It was my fault. If I hadn't been such an ass- If you hadn't had to come back for me…"
Shepard reached over and took her hands in his. The contact surprised him and, if he was honest, made him a little uncomfortable- but this wasn't the time.
"Joker, never ever blame yourself for what happened. All of that- that's all on The Collectors, on The Reapers. I know… I know I'm probably not gonna be able to convince you-" She'd got that right. "But I need you to hear this and know that I mean it. I don't blame you. Not at all."
He looked into her grey eyes and knew that she meant what she was saying.
"I'll try to believe that Shepard." He said weakly.
"Hmm, I suppose that's the best I can expect". With a deep sigh, she looked down at her hands, flexing her fingers. "It's just not my day I guess."
"You did everything you could Shepard."
"Yeah, I lost 90% of a colony destroyed the only relationship I've ever had that actually meant something."
"Shepard-" but she interrupted.
"God, I wish I could be angry at him… but… well, I can't really blame him."
"That's bullshit" Joker said, anger creeping into his words.
"Well I'm working with Cerberus" Shepard's tone was bitter. "Enemies of the Alliance- racists- child torturers-bastards we spent countless hours together to eliminate... They killed my unit on Akuze... For an experiment... And then he sees me with them- that's a pretty huge change… Can I blame him for-"
"Yes" he said flatly, but Shepard gave a grunt of disagreement.
"When...when he hugged me... I thought- god I was stupid."
"Shepard..." He said uselessly
"I'd rather he had punched me." Shepard say up, back straight, fists clenched. "Or shot me. He fucking embraced me and then..." She stood up and strode quickly up the stairs to her desk, throwing herself into the chair. By the time Joker reached her side she was staring morosely at a picture beside her private terminal. Idiot he thought bitterly as he recognised Alenko.
"Well that's not going to help is it?" He sighed, jerking the picture from her hands. It was worryingly easily to pull it from her usually Herculean grasp.
"Give that back"
"No."
"Joker" Now she was angry- that had to be better than despairing.
"Shepard, this isn't you. You do not let shit like this get to you. You're Commander Fucking Shepard. The strongest person I will ever meet. And I will not let you break like my freaking bones because Alenko is being a douchebag."
She stood and silently extended a hand. Joker returned the picture to her with a sigh. Shepard immediately put it back on the desk without looking at it. She turned back to him wearing the faintest hint of a melancholy smile.
"Strongest person you know huh?"
"Yes."
"No jokes about all those times Wrex beat me in an arm wrestle?"
"Jeez Shepard, I'm trying my best with the touchy feely crap"
"I appreciate the great effort that must take for you "
"Damn straight, so... Feeling any better?" He asked hopefully.
"I've stopped crying haven't I?" She folded her arms again, pulling herself together utterly unconvincingly.
But I still love him
The silent thought hung in the air, not needing to be said aloud.
"I just need some time."
"I guess I'll have to settle for that." Joker sensed that Shepard was ending the exchange.
He flashed her what he hoped was a gently encouraging smile and turned to leave.
"Joker,"
" Yes Commander?"
"...thanks"
He tipped his cap at her.
"Now get your fragile ass back to the bridge"
"Aye aye Commander"