-1I Wish It Would Rain Down
Oh, the torture as I sit on this cold bench.
I glace over at the blue box that got me here. That gets me everywhere.
And when I do, I realise. It's the only thing that has been there for me. All the time.
What most people don't realise is that a TARDIS has to be grown. It's not the box, it's what powers the box. It's sort of become my pet.
It recharges at the rift and…
…I need to give myself a break.
All I'm doing is thinking about the ins and outs and scientific laws of my life. The way to do this, and that, fix this, fix that, kill off that evil alien family, keep this one safe…
But I can't do it anymore. And this is the torture.
As I'm now alone, it's becoming clearer. I can't do it without her.
Oh, how I ache.
Martha couldn't fill that void. The one in my heart, that is. As it is, she could only fill one of my hearts if she could at all.
Jack couldn't. I was never in love with him, but my heart still tried to let him fill it. He never could.
And all those who have come and gone.
Never even come close.
My head falls to my hands. From pain, from loneliness. A pure ache, and I feel it now in my chest too.
And suddenly it's not just that I miss her.
I long for stability. A way to stay in one place, with one person, forever. And a family.
I long for a home. Not an alien planet. But a cosy home, with the aforementioned family. To live in forever.
And I long to feel.
Not emotions. But my skin. It's craving feeling.
That of rain, or snow, washing up liquid. Things I haven't felt in so long.
A feeling of euphoria washes over me suddenly. Inside I sing and dance, laugh and cry, live…and die…
And it's gone. …and die…
That's what killed off the happiness. Sometimes I want to. When I come close, I can regenerate. I bring myself back in a different form. And sometimes I don't want to. I have the choice. It's my life, if you can call it that.
But what would happen to the world?
I think of all the times I've prevented this earth, this beautiful earth, from invasion and destruction.
And it always brings me back to her.
As always when I do, my two hearts beat as one inside my chest. And again I ache. But not for feeling, or a family or a home…
For Rose.
And I think of how I miss her. And how I let her go.
I had no choice, the void was closing, sealing that world off from this one. But if I could go back, I'd hold it for one more minute. To tell her those three words that she told me. Or I would speed up my actions towards closing it by 5 minutes. So she would never tell me.
And it would never be true.
Oh, but it is true.
She's in the trees, the cooling breeze, the current in the river…
All of the beauty of this world.
She's in the rare species I see.
Every new colourful sight.
All of the beauty of my world, my life.
But all of that is fading away. Is she forgetting me? Can I even remember her face?
And then I laugh. Alone. On this bench. But I don't feel alone.
She's flowing through my veins, she's the sound of my laughter.
Happiness.
And then the rain comes. And I laugh.
I stand up and my arms are outstretched and I feel the rain on my skin, drenching me from head to toe. My clothes are getting heavy but it doesn't matter.
It's so glorious.