Disclaimer: I am definitely not Louise Rennison...just a fan on the other side of the world, lol. I don't own any of the characters except for Alex, Carina, the weird-girl-across-the-road and weird-girl's boyfriend.

Sunday 21 November

12:00pm (noon): I'm surprised the bearded loonleader (a.k.a. Vati) has let me sleep this late. He is usually in here at the crack of dawn dithering about the wonders of Mother Nature or dishing out some other form of cruel and unusual punishment.

And where, in the name of her exploding knick-knacks, is Libby? She is usually in my boudoir of peaceful rest after abandoning all forms of clothing (including her night-time nappy, which she has, as sure as pie, hidden somewhere in my bedroom) and clutching Mr. Cheese the 2nd, a bit of old Gouda in a hat. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, Angus ate Mr. Cheese the first.

Ah, well, maybe my loon family have been abducted by their fellow loons and taken back to their home planet.

Hmm, peace and rest…

12:30pm: Phoned Jas out of sheer desperadoes (why else?). Turns out she is going on a rambling nature hike with Hunky. Slim's huge knickers are becoming far more interesting than those two. Why don't they just hire a Holy Man of God and put us all out of our misery?

12:35pm: I wonder if the Sex God is having fun snogging sheep and getting his shoes blown off by rogue bores in Kiwi-a-gogo land?

12:45pm: I am completely over SG. Completely, utterly, incomprehensibly over him.

1:00pm: Yeah right. I wish.

2:05pm: Unfortunately my insane family was not abducted by aliens (they would have painted a terrible picture of the human race anyway).

Mutti and Vati looked rather shocked and Libby, well, she was as weird as always (she was licking Angus, and yes, that is a normal occurrence in the life of my darling sister).

Mutti came in and hugged me (!) and said, "Darling, we have some news…"

Oh, Buddha's jimjams, they're going to bring another unfortunate soul into this world, aren't they?

2:15pm: Phew! There is a "new" member of the family but it is not coming from Mutti, thank God!

Turns out Granddad Mutti (may he rest in peace) got the Cosmic Horn and had an affair (!) when he was doing army business in South Africa of all places! (He left Grandma Mutti and little 3-year-old Mutti at home while he was there obviously)

Anyway, "the other woman" had a daughter (sister of Mutti) and they met each other today over the WebCam at Uncle Eddie's.

And the most marvelloso news is that Carina (sister of Mutti and daughter of "the other woman") and her fifteen-year-old daughter are coming to visit!

2:45pm: Carina's daughter is only seven months older than me.

2:55pm: Her name is Alex, according to Mutti. I wonder if she is groovy enough for me?

3:00pm: Maybe she is an uberbitch…

4:00pm: I got her mobile number from Mutti. Maybe I should text her?

4:05pm: We must be telepathic twins because while I was thinking about whether I should sent her a message, she sent me one! It reads:

Hey new cuz! Pretty hectic news, huh? I wasn't expecting it but the olds have ways of surprising us don't they? Anyway, looking forward to meeting ya! Luvies Alex…

She sounds really cool so far. Much more fun than pervy Jimjams, nunga-molester.

4:10pm: I sent a very witty but sincere text back:

Sometimes dirty affairs are good. Thank God our granddad was a pervy young man or we would never have met! I'm away laughing on a fast camel…Love Gee

P.S: When are you gracing us with your presence?

4:30pm: I'll meet Alex on Friday. Mucho excitemundo…!

4:45pm: Have texted every member of Ace Gang with fab news…

5:00pm: Alex is staying until New Year's Day but, unfortunately, so is James (a.k.a. pervy Jimjams, nunga-molester and incest extraordinaire).

5:05pm: I wonder if Alex has the same nunga problem as the rest of the women in our family, i.e. they are uncontrollably gigantic.

5:15pm: I wonder if she lives in a house…

5:30pm: Maybe she has a pet lion? Shut up, brain! Usually I am full of wisdomosity and sophisticosity, but tonight I am a prime candidate for the Asylum of the Terminally Insane.

6:00pm: Am doing yoga which will (hopefully) restore sanity but for some reason it's not working. Went to look out of my window. Ah, there's Mr. Across-the-Road…Oh, my God, is he in the NUDDY-PANTS!

Must remove image from brain…

I'm taking Angus for a walk.

10:05pm: I took Angus towards the park, where, unfortunately, Mark Big Gob was playing footie with some of his rough mates. His girlfriend was watching…God; she is fat now as well as tiny!

Despite having a mouth almost as big as Mr. Across-The-Road's naked bottom (almost, not quite) he is an excellent footballer. At least if he gets famous his wife won't attract much attention…

Anyway, Angus caught sight of Mr. Next Door walking the Prat twins (a.k.a. The Poodles or better yet, Angus's play things) and he took off. He really can't help it. Poodle scent attracts him, just like…erm…fox poo. I didn't even try to chase after him because he would, number one, destroy my clothing and, number two, run way again, so really, what is le point?

I went to sit down at a bench and after about five minutes Mark BG came and sat down next to me.

"Hi, Georgia," he said, with a really creepy smile. For the love of Moses, where do I find these idiots?

"Uh, hi, Mark," I was very tempted to add Big Gob. "Long time no dig."

Mark just nodded, leaned it…and snogged me!

And that's not even all of it! He raised his hand…and rested it on my basoomers! Again!

I am seriously thinking of cosmetic surgery. These "things" are becoming a liability.

10:32pm: What am I anyway? A walking invitation for nunga-molesters and general perves?

10:45pm: Why is it that I am the one to drive my horny cousin to lust over me in an incestuous manner?

11:00pm: I mean James. Not Alex.

Midnight: Maybe Alex, if she swings towards the lezzie side…

12:10am: I hope not. If she does, Cousin James will explode.

12:12am: Literally.

12:15am: If Alex isn't a lezzo I hope she's not common like the Bummer twins.

12:20am: Also, her being like A.D.M. or Nauseating P. Green (the fart machine) would also be terrible.

12:25am: Angus has finally come home. I can hear wildlife being slaughtered…

12:29am: He's come through the window to my room and has deposited a "gift" into my school beret. Now he's guarding it.

12:37am: I think he's eventually eaten it. Honestly, people will begin to think we don't feed him. Which is horrifically untrue. He gets more than I do! The morals in this house are well and truly screwed up.

Monday 22 November

8:25am: Everything was late this morning. Actually, it all started off as being on time but then Libby had a massive poo explosion and Mutti wasn't all too happy about having to change all her clothes. It's difficult enough getting Libbs into clothes in the first place but having to do it twice in one morning is like torture on a stick.

Jas was waiting for me by her gate as usual. She was wearing the shortest school skirt known to womankind, her vast pantibus extremely visible underneath it. I wonder what Tom would say if he ever got to see that…why in the name of the Prat twins am I thinking about this?

Anyway, as we went up the hill towards Stalag 14 she bent down and tried to find her beret in her bag. In front of the Foxwood lads. Show-off. You could just see them looking up her skirt and ogling like oglers on ogle tablets.

Ha-ha, Jas got sent home to change. Hawkeye gave her a bad conduct mark. Miss Stamp was just getting out of her car as it happened and she looked as though she had just had a spasm of lesbian lust.

Miss Stamp, not Hawkeye.

Assembly

9:20am: I myself almost became victim to a bad conduct mark. Hawkeye was watching me like a, erm, hawk. I thought that I'd get praised for showing up early for assembly but nooooo, apparently I was up to something. I felt like hiking up my skirt or turning my beret inside out just to enrage her. But I, unlike some people I know (i.e. Jas) have the self-control not to make spectacles of ourselves.

Wet Lindsay was leading assembly today. She was making some weirdo speech about school discipline or morals or something. Miss Stamp was smiling up at her like a loon. Maybe Lindsay became one with her lezzo side after the Sex God dumped her?

Anyway, she was going on and on about something or another, then she said, "Our school is a truly great centre of education, but some inconsiderate, irresponsible and childish people ruin the entire Latimer and Ridgley experience for the rest of us," and she looked right at me when she said it!

Stupid cow. At least I wasn't dumped by a Sex God for a younger, more beautiful, non-wet, woman.

Break

Told the Ace Crew all about Granddad Mutti's infidelities. They were all agog as two gogs. Then I told them about how the "other woman" had a child, sister-of-Mutti Carina and how Carina had a daughter.

Jools said, "You mean pervy Jimjams isn't your only cousin worth speaking of?"

I just shook my head. "Nope, and James isn't much worth speaking of any more. He is such a pervy perve. Almost like Elvis Attwood. Almost, but not quite."

Jas tutted. "You shouldn't speak about Elvis like that. What if Hawkeye or Slim hears you and you get suspended again?"
"My dear Jas, this country promotes free speech, does it not?"
Rosie rolled her eyes. "Besides, it's not like Hawkeye or Slim are going to listen in on our conversations. They are perving over Gorgey Henri in the staff room, as usual."
Jools said, "Even Miss Stamp has become a little less of a lezzie since he showed up, hasn't she?"
I replied, "Yes, she didn't even follow us into the showers in PE yesterday. She stayed out to speak to him."
"And she shaved!" Rosie blurted out causing us to laugh like loons on loon tablets.

German

Herr Kamyer has just introduced us to Herr Koch and we can't stop laughing. Every time he says "Herr Koch and his family" or "Spankenfurkel" we are off. He looks bewildered.

I mean, if he doesn't want us to laugh why does he just pick a family name that doesn't sound like a boy's nether region or a very dirty move. He really is a total saddo.

Lunchtime

It's as freezing as Siberia up in the Science block. Probably colder, in fact. Jas, Jools, Rosie, Ellen, Mabs, Sarah, Patty and me are all sitting on the knicker-toaster (i.e. radiator) talking about our respective boyfriends. Or in my case, lack of boyfriend.

Ellen keeps talking about Dave the Laugh, a dumpee of mine. Apparently they have spent a lot of time together but she won't tell me what number they've been up to. Prude. I mentioned ear-snogging and nip libbling (lip nibbling) but she just looked at me like I wasn't totally right in the head department. Which is not far wrong.

French

Jas asked me if I would go with her to her little brother's school play.

"What is it?" I asked her back.

"Pinocchio," Jas replied, rolling her eyes.

I frowned. "Can't Hunky go with you? If you two are going to be married he's got to keep up appearances. Besides, I should mean more to you than just a mere replacement for your boyfriend."

Jas sighed (and tutted, I might add). "Gee, come on! You know you are my best mate. I just want to go to this thing and not be bored out of my mind."

"Jas, you were my bestest girl pal too but after Hunky, hmm, I'm not quite sure."

The conversation went on and on like that for about an hour but anyway, the long and short of it is that I'm going to go and watch Jas's porky little brother prance around in tights.

4:20pm: Jas is picking me up at six and the debacle should end at around eight. I'm taking my lucky Buddha just in case the building catches a light or a little toddler has a poo explosion or whatever. The sadnosity of my life is worrying…

8:00pm: Pinocchio was actually quite entertaining. Well, it was boring until Pinocchio, played by this kid with a perpetually snotty nose, came on as a "real boy".

"Look, Gepetto, I'm a real boy," Snotty exclaimed, with his hands in the air. And then he proceeded to fall off a mushroom and into the choir pit.

Jas's brother played a pirate (although he looked more like a hedgehog) and instead of catching Tinkerbelle, he sat on her. It took the ambulance ages to get here…

8:10pm: My life is beyond sad without Robbie. Although Dave the Laugh more than makes up for him in the nip libbling and snoggosity stakes he must stay secret and therefore I cannot flaunt him in front of Wet Lindsay like it is my duty to do (not that Lindsay would mind of course, as, judging from assembly this morning, she has given up and become a lezzo).

Looking Out of My Window

Erlaaaccckk, I just the saw the weird-new-girl-across-the-road with her boyfriend. She is sooo...ew, and so is he by the way. When I first saw them walking back God-knows-where holding hands and I thought he was her dad! He looks like Mr. Across-the-Road (or Mr. Next Door to them) in his younger days with one very hairy eyebrow. For a moment I thought that cousin James had to have been adopted and that these were his proper relatives. Ha, I wish!

They are sitting on their front step snogging for England...right in front of her little brothers and sisters! She has so many her house must be like a massive toilet by now. And it doesn't help exposing them to porn before they've even been properly potty-trained yet...

9:00pm: Now they have gone inside to do, erm, things that I don't even want to think about them doing. Could she be any more common? She's younger than I am!

9:15pm: Well, I guess once someone like her, who falls under the A.D.M.; P. Green category, gets a boyfriend, they have to keep him. Even if he is the size of a truck and has a bottom that could feed Africa.

9:35pm: Have given up on any potential visitors and gone to bed, hoping to dream about snog fests with the Sex God and Dave the Laugh...

9:45pm: Although not at the same of course. That would be wrong.

10:00pm: But it is something you would expect me, Queen of Red Bottomosity, to dream about, wouldn't you?