Disclaimer? Same as it ever was-I don't own shit!
A/N-Heeey team! So it's Christmas…almost. I just thought, that, for the holiday, I'd drop in and try and do something festive to fit in with the spirit of the season, and all that shit. And, I know it's been a good while since I've last posted anything, so I guess I'm about due, here. So with that in mind, I present for you MY adaptation of the yuletide classic "A Christmas Carol". Oh, and at the end, I have a fun little carol for you all to sing to get you into the Christmas spirit!
…Knock yourselves out.
(We cut to the Interior of WWE headquarters where a WWE creative meeting is in progress, Vince McMahon is talking with the writers, HHH, and Stephanie…)
VINCE: …Ok, so after destroying Kofi, he goes across and pins the prone Hunico! And there you have it! Winner, and new Cruiserweight champion-yes, I'm reinstating it, DAMMIT- RYBAAAACK! But then, while he's celebrating he's attacked from behind by the new WWE tag champions, Mark Henry and Rusev! It looks bleak for Ryback, but suddenly who should come to his aid but the new #1 contender for the world championship, BROCK LESNARRRR! The crowd goes wild!
HHH asks, "Um, isn't he ALREADY champion?
Vince angrily replies, "Hey, don't you QUESTION me! He-he's going to have a match at the next PPV, dammit. He's gonna' get in that ring, we're going to play his entrance music TWICE, he's going to swing to ALL of the damn ropes and he's going to do a super-high elbow drop and then pin himself!"
HHH says, "But…I can't even do that—and I'm the GAME, for fuck's sake! But…hmm…I would DEFINITELY pin myself if I could, I've never tried the power of the pin on myself!"
Piss-ant writer #1: Uh…are you sure about this boss?
VINCE: Of course I am! The fans love big men nearly as much as I do!
Piss-ant writer#2 asks, "You sure? I mean, From Daniel Bryan to-to Christian—we have EXCELLENT cruiserweights!
VINCE: Look , I've been thinking about kicking this back to MY WWE, MY way, the ORIGINAL way! I want NOTHING but GIANTS! The fans will LOVE it! In fact, I'll prove it. I'll choose a person at random and ask them. ..Uh…Stephanie?
STEPH: Yes Daddy?
VINCE: Do you like big men, honey?
STEPH: Sure! Black, and…sometimes more than one at once and…
VINCE: -Uh, yeah…THANKS sweetie, that's all I needed. (Turns to the writers) See? Never question me again! Ou! I remember you hurt your leg in that CAR accident a couple years back, but, remember what happened afterward? I'll have the doctors remove your OTHER leg too!"
Writer#1 (sobbing) But Jordan WAS the cutest one in New Kids on the Block! I just had a skinned KNEE, you didn't have to have my LEG cut off!
VINCE: SHYADDUP! GRAAHH! I'm sick of your Joey-Joe bashing! Get out of my sight! I wish to be alone to laugh manically!
(they all get up and leave.)
VINCE: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Oh, that's the stuff.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Ghost of Junkyard Dog appears!
JYD: (rattling chains) Grab dem cakes, grab dem, grab dem!
VINCE: Wha?
JYD: Junkyad Dog be sayin dis: tunite yo well ba vizteed ba free goasts!
VINCE: Did you just say something about goats?
JYD: Nut goats yo krazy kracka, GOASTS!
VINCE: Still didn't get that. Jesus, even BIG Show's easier to understand than you!
JYD, frustrated at not being able to communicate in English, attempts to use the Big Thump on Vince, but being a ghost, he passes straight through him. Fed up, he leaves to guide a Police Psychic to where Tony Neale has hidden Buddy Landell's body.
VINCE: That was odd. Ah well, I've planned next week's Smackdown and it's already 9:30. That's my day over with.
That night Vince is alone in bed (well, would YOU want to sleep with Linda?), when suddenly the ghost of Owen Hart appears!
(A/N—YES, I'm using Owen Hart again—I can't help it, I was always a fan!)
OWEN: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!
Vince suddenly wakes up.
VINCE: You're not a goat.
OWEN: Eh? No, I'm the GHOST of wrestling past. Vince McMahon, I have come to you to warn you to mend your evil ways and show programming people actually give a shit about!
VINCE: Don't follow.
OWEN: Look, let me put it simply. The WWE now is well, wank, and I'm here to attempt to convince you to try and make it as good as it once was.
VINCE: And why should I listen to you? Why should I get in the neck from a dead wrestler anyway? GET it? HAHAHAHAHAHA, IN THE NECK! Do you see, because you fell and….
OWEN: I can't believe how disrespectful that is.
VINCE: Please, I was seriously considering using your corpse in the necrophilia angle with Kane.
OWEN: Oh you're full of yourself now McMahon, but just you wait…
VINCE: What you trying to tell me Hart? That pride comes before a FALL? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
OWEN: Fuck it, I don't need this hassle. I don't care if it's against union rules, I'm off. See you in hell McMahon! From heaven, that is.
With that, Owen Hart disappears.
Later that night, Vince is again asleep, when the ghost of Wrestling Present arrives.
Alex Riley: Hey McMahon, wake up!
VINCE: Hey I know you, you're not dead! How are you a ghost?
RILEY: I might as well be the amount of TV time I get from you. Besides, with what you're paying me I had to take a second job. They didn't ask if I was dead in the interview, so I didn't tell them.
VINCE: That's a shame, I needed some more dead people for the next test screening of Triple H's new movie. The living ones keep leaving.
RILEY: Anyway Vince, get ready for some thought provoking insights into the depressing state of the WWE today!
Suddenly, they are outside Kofi Kingston's house.
VINCE: What are we doing here?
RILEY: We're here so I can show you the demoralized state of some of your more talented employees McMahon, it's the WWE's Annual Misused Talent Christmas Party! The superstars have been having this party for years, now. This year, Kofi's hosting it. Back in the day, it used to be for cruiserweights and divas, exclusively, but a few years ago, it became open to ANY talent from WWE that felt misused or unappreciated. So don't be shocked to see some old superstars-ones that aren't signed to WWE anymore-mingling with your current roster, but I just want to show you that, even over time, some things just NEVER change, McMahon.
VINCE: Well, what the hell is that? "The WWE's Annual Misused Talent Christmas Party"?It sounds like the set-up to some sort of cheap gag-fest.
RILEY: Now, what would make you say a thing like that?
Sin Cara arrives at Kofi's door.
KOFI: Hey Sin, glad you could make it!
SIN CARA (bowing deeply): Sin Cara honored Kofi invite humbur Japanese jobber to Clismass party.
KOFI: Hey man, we're not on TV anymore Sin, you don't have to keep up the 'Polite Japanese people can't speak English properly' thing.
SIN CARA: UGH, thank fuck for that. (Farts, grabs a beer) Hey did you invite that Summer Rae broad? I hear she puts out for anyone when she gets drunk, even those of us with stereotypically small penises.
KOFI: I think she's inside already...somewhere. Anyway, c'mon in, man!
SIN CARA: Cool. (Bumps into a miserable-looking Hunico) Yo, Hunico cheer up, it might never happen!
Hunico shouts something in Mexican, then runs off to the bathroom in tears.
KOFI: What was that?
SIN CARA: I dunno, something about signing for the WWE in the first place and it already HAS happened, fuck if I know…
Over at the bar, where the "Brooklyn Brawler" Steve Lombardi is serving drinks (damn, he even jobs at Christmas parties) Shane "Hurricane" Helms is talking with Matt Hardy.
HELMS: Yeah well, at least you got to do WrestleMania with your Cruiserweight title run, what do I get? I jobbed the belt to Jamie 'never wins a fucking match' Noble.
HARDY: Where is Jamie anyway?
HELMS: He's outside peeing in the bushes, I think.
HARDY: Ugh…seriously, dude?
HELMS: At least you get a half decent gimmick too. I mean, look at me. I STILL can't get this fucking green dye out of my hair. Oh that reminds me, I invited Jeff. Hope you don't mind.
HARDY: You did? Err, no that's great- I guess….
KOFI: Hey guys, you enjoying the party? (Sin Cara walks over)
Sin Cara: Yeah, it's cool. Just gives us a chance to get pissed and forget about the day job…
KOFI: Tell me about it. You guys met Paul?
HARDY: Paul who?
John Morrison: London.
HARDY: Paul London? I didn't even know he WORKED for WWE!
LONDON: Neither did Vince McMahon. I used to think that if I got one more tag match against those losers Stamboli and Palumbo I' swear I would've…
HELMS: Relax Paul, It's all behind you, now. Simple rule for you kids in WWE today- don't expect too much of anything if you weigh under 250lbs or don't know how to kiss the right asses. Now, from what I've seen, I know that things have started to change for SOME people our size over the past few years, but, personally, I wouldn't trust that shit so readily. Vince has always been sort of an autocrat, man.
HARDY: Sheeeeeiiiit, I remember back In MY day, I mean, it didn't even matter how over you got man, it used to be that, if you were below the magic figure, forget it Buuut.. If it makes you feel any better, you can take a kick at Slater's crutch, as consolation.
SLATER: Please stop it! I'm a wrestler, not some cheap joke for peoples' sick amusement!
(London kicks the crutch out from under Slater, causing him to fall on the floor. The boys all have a cheap laugh at Slater's expense.)
HARDY (looking over toward the door): Oh god…look at THIS muh'fucker...
Jeff Hardy has arrived, wearing a pink taffeta ballgown along with his date, a man made ENTIRELY of aluminum foil.
JEFF: Ah ahm extreme! Ah live for tha' moment!
RILEY: Well McMahon, what do you think?
VINCE: I think I've found my next women's champion!
RILEY: No, I meant about the complete lack of enthusiasm from your CURRENT AND your PAST employees. I mean, these guys are AND WERE possibly some of the best young talent in the world, and they're already giving up on getting anywhere. How bad is that?
VINCE: Well if any one of them ever has a problem, they're always welcome to come and talk to me about it… and I'll make them lose mixed tag matches to Lana for a MONTH! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
RILEY: Message isn't getting through is it? Ok. Let me try something else.
Suddenly, they are in a bedroom of a house in the wWest Midlands in England. On the wall is an old WCW Team Canada poster with crusty stains on it.
VINCE: What are we doing here in England?
RILEY: I wanted to show you what's happening to people who once religiously watched your programming over the years. Check this guy's organizer.
VINCE: Hmmm…let's see…
1 p.m.- Write letter to Team Ferrari, declaring just how happy I am that Michael Schumacher is no longer racing and now we can finally see someone NEW win a race.
4 p.m.- Send another declaration of love to Justin Bieber.
10 p.m.- DON'T watch WWE programming, WWE STRIKE! What the hell!?
RILEY: See, people are getting that bored with your stuff that even WWE fans like this guy are making efforts NOT to watch. It gets better, check out the message board he's typing on.
VINCE: 'WWE is Crap'. 'I agree'. 'Post something worthwhile you fags!'. Wow, I never knew, I just ignored the Interne, listening to HHH. Hey look, he's typing something now, something about…who?... John Morrison?….
RILEY: Ah, we have to go now.
They are back in Vince's bedroom.
VINCE: I'm sure that guy was typing something about how I should've made John Morrison world champion when I had the…chance.
RILEY: Yeah well, can't believe everything you read… gotta go!
Riley vanishes.
Even later that night, the Ghost of Wrestling future arrives. Vince wakes up.
VINCE: What the fuck? You're not dead either.
ERIK WATTS: But I was in Techno Team 2000! In 1998, they were from the future!
VINCE: But now it's 2014, so technically that's the past.
WATTS: Yeah well, in the future I'll be dead eventually, so then I'll be a ghost, so deal.
Suddenly they are outside Madison Square Garden.
VINCE: What are we doing here?
WATTS: I wanted to show you the biggest Wrestling event of all time! Unfortunately, it's that packed we can't get inside so you'll just have to listen.
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome the undisputed Champion of the World: AJ STYLES!
VINCE: AJ Styles? Who's he? When do I sign him?
WATTS: He doesn't work for you. I never said it was a WWE show.
VINCE: Then what has this got to do with my future?
WATTS: Look over there.
In a corner outside the stadium stands a much older Vince McMahon with a much heavier and flabbier Brock Lesnar.
OLD VINCE: Come on people, doesn't anyone want to see this 800lb giant fight Mordecai? Anyone (whispers) Come on Brock, help me out.
BRock: Burgahcanhardleghtiyddsfdsfmmssw! (Translation: But I can hardly move, let alone wrestle! Shit, I think my heart just stopped!)
OLD VINCE: Brock? Hello? Fuck, looks like I'm selling my ass to Patterson for a bed to sleep in tonight again…(sobs)
WATTS: See, while it used to be that most WWE fans were really dumb marks (sadly, a lot of them still ARE), eventually they all finally realized there were better alternatives out there and just stopped watching. You didn't recognize this, didn't change, and this is what became of you. Hell, it already started earlier this year with that big loss your profits took in just 3 months-remember THAT? THEN you made Brock Lesnar world champion-someone who hardly ever shows up on television, and the straw that broke the camel's back-the WWE Network. I ask you, if that bullshit WWE 24/7 channel didn't catch on, what in God's NAME would make you think that the WWE network would? It's essentially the same damn THING!
VINCE: ARGH! This is terrible! How do I stop this happening, Future boy?
WATTS: Pssh...What do I care? I don't work for you! Bye!
He vanishes, leaving Vince alone.
VINCE: NOOOOOOOO!
He awakens in his bed.
VINCE: Huh? It's still 2014! There's still time! I must start listening to the fans!
He goes to the window and calls out to a drunk guy stumbling by. His name is Al.
VINCE: You there! Who do you want for WWE champion?
SMARK: Anyone but Lesnar or Cena, for starters, in other words, someone GOOD, for a change. Hey, gimme' a dollar, I uh, I need to catch the bus back home.
VINCE: Git, GIT outta' here ya' damn DRUNK! (calming down) Ok, then …THAT'S who it shall be! (picks up phone) Brock Lesnar, please. Hello, Brock? You're fired. (hangs up.) Yes, things are going to change.
Vince thinks for a moment. And, then he dials again.
VINCE: Hello, Miss Secretary? Find me Jeff Hardy's number. I've got an idea to shake up the women's division….
Ok then, I'll leave you with the happy ending there. But just let me add on the addendum that supernatural happenings of the sort I've described above are probably the only way that Vince will ever really listen to what his fans want. That, or if people actually STOP WATCHING THE FUCKING SHOW… IF YOU THINK IT'S CRAP, that is!
Nice depressing note to leave it on for Christmas there, huh?
Thanks for reading, now exercise some Yule Tide spirit and review!
-And sing along with MEEEE...
all together, now…
A-one, and a-two, and a…
Tiiiiis the season for reviewing…Falalalalaaaaa, lalalalaaaa!
GOT my eggnog steady a-brewin'- Falalalalaaaaa, lalalalaaaa!
Don we now our gay apparel (like those Santa Claus sweaters, or any sweater with a Christmas tree on it, for that matter), Falalalalaaaalalalaaaa!
I'll DRINK my wine straight out the barrel, Falalalalaaaaa, lalalalaaaa
Have a holly jolly Christmas, and a hap-hap-happy New Years, folks! See you in 2015…maybe, lol.