REBECCA
A parody/spinoff/sequel/prequel/remake/adaptation of Daphne Du Maurier's critically acclaimed 1938 thriller, brought to life with characters from the Kingdom Hearts franchise by beloved author Jemony Mnicket (the t is silent).
Disclaimer: This is a really fan fiction.
CHAPTER I
I was sitting in the lobby of Hotel Ovary with my employer Mrs Van Hopper."Not one well known personality in sight! I say, I have every right to complain to management you know!" Mrs Van Hopper exclaimed breathlessly. She was always complaining about one thing or another and to be perfectly truthful it bored me to tears, but who am I to complain? I, Saix K. Abernathy, had no family to whom I could return, no inheritance on which I could fall back, so here I was, a travelling companion for Mrs Van Hopper, my salary £90 a year. Not bad for a young man lacking any real educational qualifications.
Suddenly Mrs Van Hopper became very excited! She was practically bouncing up and down on her seat! Then she composed herself, she gently leant towards me and whispered in my ear very calmly, "over there, do you see him, that;s Goofy De Winter, as in the De Winters of Manderly". I glanced at the gentleman to whom Mrs Van Hopper was indicating. Never before had I seen a man so handsome. He was wearing an orange turtle neck pullover with a black waist coat on top of it, blue slacks, floppy brown shoes, a charming lime green hat upon his head and gloves made of some form of white polyester; the height of English fashion at the time. It was his face however, that enchanted me. His nose was a perfect black oval upon his face. Two large teeth protruded from either side of his mouth, in a way that most appealed to me. His ears flopped elegantly down to his shoulders, while three strands of hair, each more beautiful than the last, were visible from beneath the hat Mr De Winter had adorned. His eyes, like abnormally long and narrow chicken's eggs, seemed to be concealing great secrets from beneath their surface. Truly he was the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes upon. "Oh Mr De Winter!" Mrs Van Hopper bellowed, "won't you accompany me for coffee". She then turned to me and said "go fetch the waiters and ask for them to serve coffee for the two of us and be quick about it girl."
"Mrs Van Hopper I'm not a…" but before I could finish my retort, Mr De Winter interjected, "GAwwwwrsh van hoofen sloffen I'm afraid I must correct you yuk yuk the three of us will be having coffeee yuk yuk."
We talked for little over an hour. Let me rephrase, Mrs Van Hopper talked for a little over an hour. She tried to establish various connections, knowing that he had been a previous acquaintance of her nephew Larxene in Palm Beach. All of a sudden Mr De Winter got up and said politely "gawrrrrrsh sorry you must excuse me yuk yuk". Then he departed.
Mrs Van Hopper turned to me and said "he is an attractive creature alright but he doesn't seem quite all there. Natural, they say he adored her"
"Adored who?" I replied naively.
'You don't know? His wife Rebecca drowned while sailing just 10 months ago. They say she was perfect in every way. They say he adored her."
That night I dreamt of Goofy De Winter. He phased through my wall as if he were a departed soul imprinted upon the earth.
"Gawrrrsh I would rather indeed like to sample your feminine delights."
'Mr De Winter I'm not a…'
"Yuk Yuk" he interrupted with eerie satisfaction. Then he tore my lace undergarments from my body, exposing me completely to his gaze. "Gawrrrsh your breasts appears to be so unshapely and there are appears to be some large growth protruding from your vaginal vortex."
'Mr De Winter I...' but before I could finish my sentence he was in me. His black feather duster tickling the inside of my vaginal vortex… I mean my anal vortex.
When I awoke I was surrounded by a pool of what I hoped to be blood.