A South Park Christmas Carol

Chapter 1- Kenny is Dead

Kenny was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt about that, as dead as a door-nail. And Cartman knew it. Of course he knew it. Kenny died all the time. It wasn't news to him, even if Kenny did seem to be taking his sweet time coming back from the dead this time around, which was pissing Cartman off royally.

You see, Cartman had recently come up with a brand new business venture that he had quickly made Kenny partner in. Kenny had invented a delicious new energy drink that instantly got any child under the age of six addicted with one sip and Cartman was quick to make a business of selling it. Unfortunately, Kenny drank enough of the stuff to get himself addicted, overdosed, and died, taking the recipe with him. Cartman tried to make the stuff himself, but couldn't seem to get it right. He wasn't about to try swallowing Kenny's soul again to figure out the recipe, so he was forced to deal with a bunch of angry children who were addicted to Kenny's energy drink. And with Christmas coming up Cartman was not in the best of moods, even if he was finally getting the I-Pod Touch he'd wanted for a month already.

Then he had discovered to his mix of horror and delight that Kyle Broflovski had in fact been entrusted by Kenny with the secret formula to the energy drink. So he quickly set about committing a horrible act of vandalism, photo shopped a picture to make it look as if Kyle had done it and threatened to take the picture to Mrs. Broflovski if Kyle did not surrender the recipe, and then do his accounting like a good little Jew. Kyle was of course outraged, but really he had no choice. It was Hanukah at the time, and he really didn't want to get his mother angry right then with the fear he would not receive his yearly presents for eight days. So enslavement to Cartman's enterprise was a shame, but unavoidable. Kyle was an employee of Eric Cartman this holiday season- or at least until Kenny came back- and had to hear all of Cartman's Jew bashing during 'work hours'.

Eventually Cartman reached his all important Christmas Eve Day. He wasn't looking forward to coming in to work that day, even though his office was in his basement, but he figured if he didn't the sneaky Jew was probably not going to either so he had to come to keep an eye on him and made sure he did his job right and didn't steal anything.

"Cartman, you are such an asshole," Kyle growled as he looked over the lists of clients and inventory. It truly disgusted him that he was being forced to help sell these insanely sugar-filled drinks to young children. Parents glared at him in the streets these days.

Cartman however glared at Kyle from across the room. He was playing his PSP, Grand Theft Auto of course. "Just keep working Broflovski."

"It's freezing down here! Doesn't your mom think to pay the heating bill? DAMN!" Kyle snapped.

"Well maybe it's cold to you Jew, because your heart is black and cold with no Christmas joy to speak of!" Cartman snappeded.

"WELL EXCUSE ME FOR NOT HAVING A LAYER OF WHALE BLUBBER, FAT ASS!"

A familiar voice from the staircase interrupted the common argument. "Hey guys, what's up?"

"Oh, Stan," Cartman slumped back in his chair "What do you want?"

Stan rolled his eyes as he descended into the basement. "Merry Christmas to you too, fat ass. Hey Kyle, wanna go shoot some hoops or-?"

"Mr. Broflovski is busy, go away," Cartman snapped.

"Hey! It's Christmas asshole!" Stan snapped back.

"Not for Jews!" Cartman protested.

"Hey guys! Merry Christmas!" A girl with a pink beret came waltzing down the stairs behind Stan.

"Oh, hi Wendy," Kyle blinked from his seat "What's up?"

Wendy smiled warmly at the unfortunate Hebrew boy shivering in the desk. "I'm here to collect unwrapped toys for the Christmas toy drive! Cartman, your mom said that you still have some toys you never opened from last year-"

"Damn it mom..." Cartman groaned and then spat, "NO! Those are MEH toys; you can get the HELL out, and take your hippie boyfriend with you!"

"Don't talk to my girlfriend like that, fat ass!" Stan's voice was rising, "Come on Wendy, I think I can get my mom to buy some toys for your toy drive." He headed back toward the stairs with his hand holding Wendy's and briefly turned to give Kyle a sympathetic look. "Sorry dude, I'll come back later or something."

Kyle sighed. "Yeah dude, whatever."

"Now get back to work! I need to know exactly what the profit we're making is so I'll know how many new PSP games I can get on Boxing Day!"

Kyle groaned and turned back to the lists in front of him. He worked for another hour during which time Lianne Cartman came down with snacks for both boys. Cartman quickly stole Kyle's when she returned upstairs. After that hour it was around dinner time and Kyle was supposed to go home.

"Okay whatever," Cartman shrugged when Kyle pointed this out, "Get in here tomorrow at noon, I should've opened everything by then so can play with my new I-Pod Touch while you keep working."

Kyle's mouth gaped open. "But... fuck dude! It's Christmas!"

"And since when do Jews celebrate the birth of Christ?"

"You made me work during Hanukah!"

"What the hell do I pay you for?"

"You DON'T pay me! You BLACKMAIL me! Asshole!"

Cartman sounded exasperated. "Well fine! If you want to be a whiny bitch with sand in her vagina about it, take the day off! But you'd better be in here fucking early on Boxing Day Jew!"

"You are such a dick!"

"No, I'm a marketing genius. Now get out of here so I can eat, butt-pirate!" Cartman growled.

"Gladly!" Kyle marched off in a huff and Cartman went happily up to dinner.

After a delicious Christmas Eve ham, Cartman rushed up to bed to wait for Santa Claus to bring him his I-Pod Touch. Or his mom could be the one who does it. It could be either one as far as he was concerned and he didn't care, as long as he got his I-Pod Touch in the end. He reached his bedroom door and went to grab the handle when he saw something that made his hand freeze.

There was usually nothing odd about this door handle, but today it bore the face of one, dearly departed, Kenny McCormick.

"AH!" Cartman yelped and backed up quickly from the door. But when he looked back at the handle it was just a handle again. He was confused, but shrugged it off and went inside. This was Christmas! He wasn't going to let that poor piece of crap piss him off tonight! Though, when he got in his room, just to be on the safe side, he set Clyde Frog up next to the door in his cowboy hat to guard against intruders. You can't be too careful.

Cartman laid himself on his bed, knowing full well he was way too excited to sleep, but figured he'd have to give it a shot anyway. After all, Santa didn't come until you were asleep right? However, just as he thought he might be starting to doze, he heard the sound of his PSP turning on and Grand Theft Auto running. He sat up and looked over at his dresser where he'd left the game. As he watched, the blaring toy shut off.

Cartman would be lying to say he wasn't just a bit freaked out by that. He jumped out of bed, ran and grabbed Clyde Frog, and jumped back under the covers again just in time to hear the sound of chains clattering on the kitchen floor below his bedroom. Then the sound was on the stairs. Then it was outside his room. He would've called for his mom, but he couldn't seem to utter a word. Suddenly, in a flash of orange, Kenny slipped through his closed bedroom door, translucent and dragging a set of chains. He also appeared to be finishing off the leftover ham from dinner. Hence the visit to the kitchen, presumably. He looked pretty normal, save for the translucently and long chains that seemed to be forged of steel encased energy drinks.

"Kenny!" Cartman snapped, "What the fuck! Why aren't you alive yet, asshole? I've had to blackmail Kyle into doing your work!"

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Dude, you will not believe the last month. Apparently, getting kindergarteners hooked on energy drinks is really bad. I'm supposed to do purgatory for the next 3 months still! A drag, plus I have to do charity work like this."

Cartman snorted. "Well sucks to be you. What charity work?"

Kenny sighed. "Cartman, you see this chain? This is made of energy drinks. I would've had a bunch of sex infractions too, but I usually make up for those over the various times I die. You, on the other hand, cannot pay for these things over time and when you die you're getting them all at once. And I don't just mean energy drinks; you've been fucking over everyone lately."

"Well I'm making money, aren`t I? Anyway, how do I know you're even real right now? You could be bad pie or the mouldy cheesy poufs I found under the couch cushions!"

"... You are such a dumbass," Kenny shook his head, "Look, this is my charity work. I've got to tell you that you're being a royal asshole and if you don't change you'll end up having to drag along a way longer chain than this one, and you'll be doing it at age 45 due to heart failure."

"Who wants to be an old fart anyway? Go away Kenny, hell's for a Jews, I've been saved remember?" Cartman scoffed.

Kenny folded his arms. "Hell's for pretty much everyone, I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about purgatory! It's like, detention after school, only it's afterlife. You have to float around, watching misery and then sometimes you have to try to help people who probably can't be helped anyway. And right now you're looking at a really long time in purgatory. Most people do good deeds and even themselves out somewhat, but you're really fucking up big time."

"So what, your charity work is to bitch at me until I change? You'll be bitching a fucking long time po' boy!"

Kenny smirked a little. "Actually no, I'll here to tell you that 3 other ghosts will be coming to bitch at you tonight. Then I'm off for Christmas vacation. It's pretty sweet."

Cartman looked a little pissed off. "Look, I have to go to sleep so Santa and/or my mother can put my I-Pod Touch under the tree! Now GET OUT!"

Kenny sighed. "Like you deserve an I-Pod Touch... well whatever. Expect the first ghost at 1am, I'm off. Merry Christmas fat ass," Kenny giggled and then sighed, going toward Cartman's window and jumping through the closed glass into the night. Cartman could suddenly hear moaning coming from the street and dared a peek. Outside the skies were filled with wretched spirits moaning and crying, all wearing chains like Kenny's. As Cartman watched, they faded from sight.

Cartman rolled his eyes and headed for bed. "What a bunch of whiney pussies," were his final words on the matter before he fell asleep.

TBC