When Blaine had first met Kurt, he knew he had swept him off his feet. He had swooped in like some knight in shining armor to protect and eventually possess him. It had all been so much easier when he could hide behind his Dalton uniform. He felt invincible in his cricket blazer, the alpha gay who led the Warblers with debonair flair. Little did Kurt know that the dashing and dominant Blaine he first encountered was a mere act. Blaine was a bottom playing at being top.
This should have become more apparent to Kurt when Blaine transferred to McKinley and was forced into civilian clothes. Blaine's true colors began to shine as he sashayed down the halls in his pretty bowties and tight red jeans. But Kurt wanted Blaine to remain his teenage dream: confident, in-charge and always on top. His desire blinded him to the truth - that Blaine wanted to be taken too, that he needed to be possessed as much as Kurt did. So they fell into a routine that became too comfortable to challenge. And Blaine found that while he did the things he did to Kurt, he couldn't help but fantasize that the same things were being done to him. He imagined big strong hands caressing him, muscular arms enveloping him and holding him down as he was entered and explored in every way. Blaine loved Kurt. They were so alike. But he was realizing that they were too much alike in that most intimate of ways. How could they truly satisfy one another when they both wanted the same thing? To be the object of desire. To be penetrated and owned. To be the princess.
Cooper could see it. Blaine knew his big brother would be able to detect that something was amiss in his relationship with Kurt. After all, he should know. Blaine was 13 and Cooper was 19 when they had first experimented. Blaine had just started awakening to his sexuality and Cooper was home over the summer after his first year in college. Blaine had been oozing sexual desire, his every movement betraying his wanton lust. Cooper had come home from a night of boozing and his inhibitions had been down. They had both wanted it and it happened.
Maybe it was because Cooper was older, or maybe it was because Cooper did not think of himself as gay. For whatever reason, their sexual arrangement inevitably had Cooper inside Blaine and not the other way around. When Blaine came out shortly thereafter, Cooper had apologized to Blaine, feeling guilt-ridden that he somehow had turned Blaine gay. His little brother assured him that no such thing had happened, and that it was simply meant to be. But after that, they had stopped. And they had never discussed it again.
When Blaine had started to contemplate his sexual identity, he felt the need to assert his masculinity. He didn't want to fit into the stereotype of a queeny gay guy. He wanted to be taken seriously and he thought that he could only do that by pretending to be all-knowing, super assertive, and butch in his mannerisms. He thought he would look weak or silly if he let his more sassy and sensitive side out. In the back of his mind, he also knew it had to do with Cooper. He had loved being taken by his brother, falling apart underneath him as he opened himself up body and mind. When Cooper said that it had all been a mistake and refused to discuss it further, when Cooper had withdrawn his touch… Blaine couldn't admit it to himself, but a tiny sliver of his consciousness knew that it had broken his heart. And that tiny, hidden part of him had vowed to never let himself be that vulnerable again. To never open himself up to that. And so, he thought he could just take on this new role - of masterful penetrator, knight in shining armor, yang to Kurt's yin. But it was stilted, stifling, and forced.
Cooper could see all this from the moment he laid eyes on the two boys. Sure, they were adorable together. But in the way two friends sharing stories about their boyfriends might be. They were both precious beauties who needed to be pursued, pampered, and possessed.
"Your boyfriend seems nice," Cooper said as the two brothers sat on the living room couch, home after lunch at Breadsticks.
Blaine looked in his brother's eyes with a searching expression before replying, "Yeah, Kurt's great." He let out a frustrated sigh.
"But…" Cooper said. Blaine eyebrows rose in a question. "It sounds like there's more to it than that, squirt."
"Hmph! I hate it when you call me that Cooper!" Blaine growled.
"Come on Blainey, what gives?" said Cooper as he raked his fingers through his little brothers gelled hair, rubbing the excess gel on Blaine's sweater vest.
"Hey asshole!" Blaine shouted.
"Calm down, little bro. Look how you're changing the subject. What are you avoiding?"
"What am I avoiding? Ha, that's funny that you should ask that of me," Blaine said angrily.
A quizzical expression crossed over Cooper's face. He furrowed his brow in concentration, like he was really trying to figure this out. "What does this have to do with me? I'm asking about your relationship with your boyfriend. To be honest, something feels off there. I mean, he's a nice guy, but I don't know, somehow you two don't seem like you're together."
Blaine was furious. "How dare you! Who do you think you are, waltzing back into town and judging my relationship? You think you have the right to say anything about my intimate affairs? Well let me tell you something Cooper. You gave up that right when you put the gag order on what happened between us. You have no right to say anything, so why don't you just shut the fuck up!" Blaine was practically spitting, the tendons in his neck popping out. Cooper was wide-eyed and taken aback. At the same time, another part of him was finding himself oddly turned on by his brother's outrage. Damn, he looked beautiful when he was angry.
"Why does it bother you so much, what I think? Jeez, Blaine calm down," Cooper said, suddenly feeling hot and uncomfortable. He stood up from the couch and started to walk away when he stopped and turned around. "Wait a second, what does this have to do with me? Or, um, what happened with us?" Cooper couldn't put his finger on it yet, but already his heart was beating faster.
Blaine looked up at his brother, eyes shining and mouth in an angry, pleading pout. Then he sneered as he said, "You can be so fucken clueless."
Cooper looked thoughtfully at his brother. "Does he satisfy you?"
Blaine rolled his eyes. "Never mind, let's not talk about this," he said, shaking his head and crossing his arms.
"He doesn't, does he? " Cooper said, sitting on the back edge of the couch next to Blaine. "I bet he's the one who gets taken care of, am I right?"
Blaine sniffed dismissively and looked away, but said nothing. He looked back at Cooper with unsure eyes before looking down again. "I thought I could be the things he needs me to be. But then, there's no room for me to be me." Blaine looked down at his hands. "I've only been with him, and with you." He laughed bitterly. "There's no contest there. You win Cooper, just like you always do."
"Oh God," Cooper said, rubbing his forehead in shame and confusion. "I've scarred you for life, haven't I? I knew it. This is why I had to leave for LA. I'm the worst brother. Blaine, I'm so sorry. If I could take it back, " he said as he reached out and rubbed Blaine's shoulder.
Blaine shook his head. "You still don't get it. You're just making things worse!" Blaine pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face.
"Blaine, I don't know if there's anything more I can do. I feel like I've done enough. But if there's any way, please please tell me, how can I make it better? I need to make amends," Cooper pleaded, getting down on one knee, his arms wrapped around Blaine from behind.
Blaine bristled against his brother's touch, not wanting to let go of his hurt. Part of him was still so angry at his brother. He cynically thought that his brother's pleas for redemption were simply a way for him to stop feeling bothered by the whole thing. Well, he wasn't going to let his brother off so easy. If Cooper really wanted to make things better, he wasn't going to get to close the book on this. Because there was only one thing Blaine still wanted from Cooper - and that was Cooper himself.
Blaine looked up slightly from where he had his face nestled on his knees. "Do you really mean that Cooper? You really want to make amends?"
"Yes Blaine! Of course! Anything, I just feel so shitty about all this," said Cooper, shaking Blaine's shoulders.
Blaine took a deep breath. "Okay big brother. If you want to make things better, then be with me again." Cooper's hands stilled on Blaine's shoulders. Blaine held his breath, waiting for an answer. He knew he was putting his brother in an impossible position. There was venom in his request, spitefulness spurred on by Cooper's neglect. But more than that, there was aching need and endless want. Tears began to fall down Blaine's cheeks as he took in his brother's silence. He couldn't help the quiet sob that welled up from his chest as he hugged himself closer.
Cooper's mind had gone blank at his brother's request. But at the sound of Blaine's sobs, he snapped out of it. "Blaine, I…" he didn't know what he was going to say, some sorry excuse for an answer, no doubt. So he stopped himself. He was tired of being a disappointment to his brother. He just wanted his brother to love him. And as twisted as this all was, he was incredibly turned on by Blaine. It was his strong desire for his brother that had made him become more distant. He had thought it was for Blaine's sake. But now he realized he was being selfish - that it was more for his sake, to reassure himself that he was a decent person. Blaine needed him.
"Blaine, I" he started again, "I'm so sorry for messing this up time and time again. I love you, and I lust you, and I want so much for you to be happy. You are beautiful, talented, so very sweet. Let me take care of you," Cooper spoke softly against Blaine's neck, hot breath and soft lips causing Blaine's hairs to stand on end.
Blaine turned his body to face his brother's, soulful eyes blinking with lashes still wet from tears. "Really?" he whispered.
"Really," Cooper said with a loving smile as he lifted his younger brother in his arms and carried him up the stairs.