Hello again! I've been sitting on this for a while, but now seems like the right time to put it out there. Something that I really struggled with in ME3 was the fact that it seemed like all the talks with Kaidan revolved around his feelings and I thought that Shepard should be able to express her own feelings. Maybe I'm the only person that feels this way, but if I was Shepard I would be pissed at Kaidan and really, really hurt by his behavior. So, that's what I wrote. Please let me know what you think of this, good, bad, ugly (though nicely please, my feelings are delicate haha). Thanks for reading and enjoy!
As always, BioWare owns all. I'm just borrowing a few things to express myself.
She walked purposefully toward the Normandy. She'd taken care of all that she needed to in the aftermath. The Council was taken care of, further precautions and the initial steps toward putting the Citadel back together had been discussed with Bailey, she had said a very permanent goodbye to a friend. It was time for her to get back out into the galaxy to see what her next step in combatting the Reapers would be. She was so absorbed in her plans that she almost walked right past him. Except he moved, he twitched his hand in an awkward sort of gesture to get her attention.
"Kaidan," She pulled up short, not knowing what to do.
"Shepard," He replied, seemingly not knowing what to say either.
"I'm glad to see that you're in one piece." She decided on an innocent remark on his health. They had just survived a Cerberus attack and he had only just survived the one from Mars, by some miracle. He narrowed his eyes.
"What do you mean by that?" There was hostility in his voice and Shepard could have sighed in exasperation. It was all hostility now. Where had it gone wrong? She avoided answering her internal question by answering his verbalized one.
"I'm glad that things didn't go south back there. We were in a pretty tight spot." Her answer didn't seem to appease him, his eyes narrowed further. She couldn't seem to win.
"I'm not sure I know what you mean." She just stared at him, taking in his tense posture, the hard glint in his eyes. She quirked an eyebrow.
"This isn't the first time that I've been accused of being Cerberus coming to attack the innocent people before me." She could tell that her remark had hit a nerve. A muscle ticked in Kaidan's jaw, his gaze flicked to the side, irritation written all over his face. He returned his attention to her as he opened his mouth to respond. This time she really did sigh in exasperation, cutting him off.
"Perhaps we should take this inside?" She gestured toward the Normandy and he clamped his mouth shut, a curt nod his only acknowledgment. She could feel his eyes burning a hole in her back as she led him into the ship. She resisted the urge to run a hand down her face. No winning for her today. On the bright side, this might actually be fun.
She could feel him seething before they reached the conference room and it was all she could to do hope that he could at least keep his voice down. She didn't need their problems broadcast to everyone in the vicinity any more than they already were.
"Shepard," he bit the word out and she struggled not to flinch. When had he become so angry? "You have to know that it would never have come that. I would never be able to live with myself if I was the one who was responsible for—" He cut himself off and blew out a sigh. It seemed some of his anger had left him.
"I'm just saying that you've been presented with circumstantial evidence before and your reaction was different. I was surprised today." She shrugged. This did not go over well.
"What else was I supposed to think? I find out that you're alive and working for Cerberus," he spat the word out as if it tasted vile. "From my superiors. And then there you are, filling every role they said you would be." His expression was cold and fierce. "I felt betrayed." That sparked something in her. Something snapped. She looked down for a second, fighting a smile.
"But of course," Shepard's voice was a deadly calm. "What I had to say about my presence on Horizon was clearly invalid and not to be taken seriously." Kaidan threw his hands up in the air.
"What was I supposed to think, Shepard? I didn't want to believe it, I could hardly believe it, but everything that had been presented to me was true." He voice sounded defeated. He'd thought they were past this.
"Right, because I was clearly directing the Collectors towards who needed capturing and who didn't. I left you alone for just for the satisfaction of seeing your face." Shepard's words were biting, her voice getting lower and lower as she spoke. Kaidan levelled a glare at her.
"No, not that. Clearly they were wrong about that piece of information." She was silent at his quick response.
"But they didn't have any other misinformation." Her statement hung in the air for a long time.
"What do you want me to say, Shepard? I felt betrayed and I acted rashly. I've apologized, what else do you want from me?" He leaned against the table, his face drawn.
"And what of me, Kaidan? What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to feel? I come to this colony to save its people. No, wrong. I come to this colony to save the man I loved and after the first thirty seconds all I get is cold denial of all that I know in that moment. I felt betrayed!" Shepard's voice rose with every word she spoke before it cracked on the last word. She dropped her head into her hands, massaging her temples. Then she sighed.
"Look, what's done is done. There's nothing we can do to go back and fix that. We've gone over this and I'd rather not go down that road again, though I don't seem to be doing a good job avoiding it." She chuckled darkly. The only noise that filled the room was the hum of machinery. Finally she spoke.
"I can't blame you. With all the knowledge you had of the situation, I don't know that I would've come to a different conclusion. It just hurt coming from you." She looked over at him to gauge his reaction, but his expression was unreadable, a brick wall. "I'm ashamed to admit that up until that point I hadn't even considered that I might have been working for the bad guys. I was too wrapped up in the Collectors and protecting the galaxy once again to take a minute to think about who was funding my little escapades." She ran a hand through her hair.
"This idea hit me all the harder because, for once, you weren't on my side. You had been through everything with me, every awful, excruciating council meeting where they repeatedly denied the existence of the Reapers and told me to focus on the "real" problem of Saren and here you were pulling the same bullshit on me when I told you about the Collectors." She shifted on her feet, not sure where she was going with this but deciding that her feelings needed to be aired.
"The thing I've always loved about you, Kaidan," he flinched at the word love, the first time he had moved since her outburst. She pushed on, ignoring the flutter in her stomach at the look on his face. "The thing I've always loved, is that you've always been straight with me. You had my back at the council meetings, giving me your honest opinions on the proceedings and how I should handle it next time. You were open and honest with me at all turns, with missions and crew members and anything that came up. So in that moment, when you're honest with me yet again, I didn't know how to handle it. You know me, you know that I make my decisions and move on. I'm confident that I'm doing what's best in that situation because I can't afford a do over. But when the man that I trust more than anyone else in the world tells me that I'm wrong, that I'm being manipulated to get what someone else wants, I stop dead in my tracks. And the doubt sets in." She paused to clear her throat, avoiding his gaze. It begins to unnerve her when he doesn't look away so she starts to pace, but she can still feel his eyes on her.
"You know, I never contacted my parents because of you." She stops and looks at him, taking in his intent gaze. She had his attention for sure. She just hoped she wouldn't get herself into more trouble. "After how you reacted on Horizon, I was afraid that they would have the same reaction. Their daughter was alive after two years but she was working for Cerberus, how disappointing." She took a deep breath.
"And I know, I know that it was two, long, hard years for you to get through, but for me, it was months. It felt like I had just seen you the other day and it all came rushing back to me when you stepped out from behind those crates." Her voice broke off. Again the hum of machines filled the room.
"Shepard, I—" She held up a hand to stop him, shooting him a look that she hoped told him to keep quiet until she was done.
"I also have to say that I probably should've tried to contact you before Horizon. I was just too concerned with what the Illusive Man shoved in front of me, too easily distracted from what should have been my priorities. And I'm sorry." He moved, reaching out and putting a hand on her arm. She turned her face away and let his hand stay on her arm for thirty seconds before shrugging it off. She shook herself, seeming to gather her thoughts together.
"Anyway, this is just something that you need to know, if we'll be moving forward with this. I've come to terms with what happened that day and I've moved on as best as I could, but it's left scars. I really don't know what I would've done if you hadn't believed me this time." She looked at him, her eyes sad.
"I trust you Shepard. There wouldn't have been any other way that that would have worked out." Kaidan said it with conviction, straightening up. "I don't think I could've brought myself to do anything else." Shepard let a small smile onto her face at his words, looking down.
"I know there's no way I could have confronted you. I could never have taken you out. That situation was entirely in your hands." She whispered the words, unsure if she should say them, but saying them anyway. She tucked her hair behind her ear, distracting herself from the honesty that was oozing out of her. She was never this honest with anyone for this extended period of time. She wasn't surprised that it was Kaidan that had coaxed it out of her. He was always opening up something new about her, it was his talent.
"No, I couldn't have done it." She said it again, putting more emotion into the words. "I had already almost lost you; there was no way I was going to lose you by my own hand." She looked up at him, only a little surprised to find that he had inched closer to her. "I saw the other side of things," She held his gaze as she said this, noticing a flicker of concern in his eyes. "I saw what it must have been like for two whole years." He took another step closer, only a foot or so separating them.
"I won't lie," She was back to looking at her feet. "I had come to terms with possibly never seeing you again. Your email was vague at best," he winced audibly at that, maybe taken off guard. "And when I was arrested, I was sure that was it. You never came to visit me and I didn't see a reason why you should. You already believed me to be the traitor that they arrested me as, so why should you visit? But I was content to know that you were alive, still breathing out there, somewhere. I kept up on you where I could, reading files and articles, Major." She looked up again, a smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth. He had closed the distance between them by half. She didn't move away, only tilted her head to the side as she continued. "Then, when I'm called out of my house arrest to address the Alliance, I run into you. By chance or who knows what else I see you again, in the flesh. It was enough for me, regardless of how you reacted to me because I could see with my own eyes that you were there. Everything went to hell shortly after that, but you followed me, yet again, onto the Normandy and out into the unknown. Mars was rough for multiple reasons, the first being your ever so lovely cynicism and honesty." He looked down for a moment at this, but Shepard continued, her voice soft. "And then it got brutal. Because no matter what you said about me and mind control and chips and whatever else, I could never ever be compelled to have you thrown like a ragdoll repeatedly against a shuttle. That was scary for me. You drop like a rock from that robot's twisted grip and all I can think is that it's ended in a way that I cannot accept. I can handle you never speaking to me again, I can handle you not wanting to see me or associate with me, as long as you are alive. And what made it worse is that a small part of my brain wondered if you would believe me that I could never inflict such damage on you." Shepard's breath hitched and Kaidan inched forward again, leaning forward slightly so that his face was more level with hers. Try as she might, she couldn't keep his gaze so she looked to the side.
"We raced to the Citadel and as they took you from my custody, it all panned out before me, a life without your existence and all the pain and suffering and loneliness that I would have to endure. I had thought that I had moved on from that, that I had dealt with that after Akuze and the loss of someone I had at least thought I had cared deeply about. But old wounds reopened and it was all I could do to not crumble right there in that hospital as they barred me from your room." She let out a low breath. He gently took her chin in his hand and turned it so that she was facing him, bringing his face within centimeters of hers.
"But you recovered. Magnificently, in fact. And you got a promotion. But you still kept me at arm's length, which I could deal with as long as you were there and able to do so. And then there was today and I was terrified I would lose you again or worse, that you wouldn't believe me and I would lose." Her voice was barely audible by the end, her eyes staring intently into his. She could feel his breath on her face; she could see the colors flecked in his brown eyes as he closed the distance between them. She moved out of the way, putting the conference table in between them. This was not how she wanted to start over, not from a pity party. Kaidan straightened up and cleared his throat, still facing away from her.
"So," She started, trying to find the right words to conclude her gush of honest feelings. "Just something I figured you should know before moving forward. I'll try to keep it together better in the future." She gave a weak smile as he turned to look at her. "I've kept all my other scars out of the line of duty thus far; this one has just been a little rowdy lately." Kaidan looked pained as she said this, but she ignored it. A childish part of her brain was happy that he was hurting; it was only fair after what she'd been through because of him.
"Anyway, I'm sure there was a reason why you were hanging around outside?" Shepard crossed her arms across her chest, slipping into business mode as easily as could be.
"Yeah, I was wondering… I was wondering if…" He couldn't seem to say it, his eyes forlorn as he looked at her. She struggled not to react; she'd had enough of her emotions for one day. She raised an eyebrow, hoping that would prompt him forward in his question.
"I was wondering if you'd have me back on the Normandy." He rushed the question out and stared at her. She shouldn't have been so surprised, but she couldn't help it. Perhaps it was just proof that their talks in Huerta had made an impact, they were actually going to move forward from the disaster that was the past two years.
"If that's what you want." She responded, putting the choice in his court. She wouldn't force her desires on him, not after all that had happened.
"There's no place I'd rather be." He said, a smile settling on his face in relief. She felt herself smile in return.
"I'm glad to have you aboard." She reached her hand across the table and he shook it. While it was only formal contact, the electricity of his touch brought butterflies to her stomach. She could keep her eye on him here, and maybe, just maybe, things could get back to where they had been. She kept this hope to herself though, lest her expectations surpassed reality as they had on Horizon. She wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces of something like that again. She kept her voice light as she ushered him out of the conference room. It was a new start.