A/N: Hello, fans! This is the Season 2 edition of my popular Heroes Abridged series. I know I haven't finished Season 1 yet, but I won't be able to until I manage to get the DVD, which may take a while since I'm just a poor college student. Until then, enjoy Season 2.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, check out "Heroes: Abridged", I basically write an "abridged" script of each episode. Enjoy!
Heroes Abridged 2
Episode 1: Four Months Later
Mohinder: I'm sure that all you fans missed my narrating skills, didn't you?
Mohinder: Now, let's recap last season and introduce new characters while I discuss nature and stuff...
Mohinder's Lecture, (did they show the location??)
Mohinder: My father's crazy theory isn't just a theory anymore! I've seen the super heroes- and as if having a crazy company and murderer go after them isn't enough, NOW they've got a deadly virus to worry about!
Audience: (snore)
Mohinder: Allowing this virus to exist will kill them all, and prevent the evolution of our species!
Audience member: But...wouldn't allowing the virus to kill them just be allowing natural selection to work? If they're not fit to survive the virus, and normal people are, then--
Mohinder: No further questions, I guess!!! We're all done here!
Company guy: Hey, Dr. Suresh, I love your lectures so much, I want live those days you made them over and over again!
Mohinder: Time to please my fangirls by being a total bad-ass! (pins guy to wall)
Company Guy: Listen to me! Everyone thinks you're crazy! The only way you can save the special people is if you come work for our creepy company!
San Cristobal, Honduras
Alejandro: I bet you don't recognize us!
Maya: We decided the show wasn't diverse enough, so they added some Hispanic people!
Alejandro: Yeah, and of course, we have to be stereotypical Hispanics who have to illegally get into the US...
Maya: Alejandro, I'm tired of running! Do we really have to?
Alejandro: Well, nothing can be said for sure, but you're deadly power is probably going to be this year's "evil deadly power that a poor, innocent person has," so, yes, we have to!
Costa Verde, California
Claire: All the electives are filled up! This SUCKS!
HRG: After all that you've been through, you whine about stupid high school electives?? What's wrong with you??
Claire: You're right- how pathetic is it that my story's gone from being totally awesome to being a stereotypical high-schooler misfit?
HRG: Well, it doesn't matter, you just need to be safe and fit in so that The Company doesn't find us, ok?
Claire: Ok. So, I was thinking, the fans must have missed all the Nissan product placement...
HRG: You're right, that's why I'm giving you your birthday present early!
Claire: OMG, a Nissan Rogue! The car that every teenage girl wants to have? Oh, it's so wonderful! I love you, Dad!
West: Whoa, a new student! I should stalk her.
Outside Kyoto, Japan, 1671
Hiro: Whoa...I'm getting deja vu...didn't I do this scene already?
Eclipse: Here's even more deja vu for you! Remember me?
Warriors: Prepare to die, Kensei!!!
Hiro: Kensei??? My HERO???? OMG! Even though I should probably know not to screw things up in the past, I'm going to anyway! (teleport)
Manhattan, NYC
Matt: Time for a super intense cop scene! Good thing I can finally use my mind-reading to HELP with my policing!
Detective: Oooh, tricked you, fans! It was just a detective test!
Matt: Thanks to super powers, I FINALLY passed the stupid detective test! Hooray!
Costa Verde, California- in Claire's High School
Teacher: Welcome to chemistry class. Now, turn on your bunsen burners, and don't be dumb enough to stick your hand it it.
Claire: Ooooh, that sounds like fun. Let me try!
West: Whoa, girls who touch fire are hot! Haha, get it? Hot!
Claire: I was just...checking how hot it was.
West: Right, sure. So, I thought it was kinda cute the way you almost got hit by my lame, non-Nissan car. I'm West.
Claire: West? What kind of name is that? Who names their kid after a direction?
West: They do.
Claire: Um, who?
West: You know. Them. Are you one of them?
Claire:(thinking) OMG HE KNOWS ABOUT ME I'M IN SO MUCH FRICKING TROUBLE!
West: Well, are you an alien, or a robot?
Claire: Oh, phew! He doesn't know anything- he's just one of those lame, crazy outcast kids who thinks he's awesome cuz he so different!
Teacher: Even though this is clearly a chemistry course, let's talk about Darwin, since he's so cool and relevent to this show.
Kids: Who the heck is Darwin? We're all creationists-- even though we're from California
Claire: It's sooo depressing that I can't answer this question. I'll just quietly write it in my notebook...
Honduras- in some creepy looking jungle in the middle of the night
Truck driver 1: I'll take you 600 miles from the US border for the low, low price of 20000 Limpiras!
Truck driver 2: Doesn't this beard make me look just like Fidel Castro?
Alejandro: Fine, we'll pay your overpriced amount. We're desperate!
Truck driver: Oooh, actually, I don't just want money, I want money, and I want to rape your sister.
Alejandro: No way, Jose! She's staying with ME!
Truck driver 2: Fine, but this is gonna cost you later, loser!
New York
Teacher: Mr.Parkman, I'm starting to get a little worried about Molly's...upbringing.
Matt: Well, what do you want me to do??? Mohinder's always away giving lectures about super powered humans, and I'm stuck all alone taking care of her!
Teacher: Well, mostly I'm concerned about the nightmare's she's having. And these freaky pictures of hers...
Elsewhere in Manhattan
Ando: Hiro's gone, but at least I've got this awesome new hairstyle!
Kaito: I can't give up on Hiro now. I've always hated him, but now I realize that he's the only character on this show that got an Emmy nod, so I should wait and hand down my legacy.
Ando: Wait, sir, this picture with that weird symbol that pops up everywhere fell out of your paper!
Kaito: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm GONNA DIE!!!
Peter's Apartment, NYC
Nathan: Somehow, I survived carrying my radioactive brother into the stratosphere, but I've become a drunken wreck- hence the large beard
Angela: Nathan, Peter's dead, get over it!
Nathan: He's not dead! They would never kill off someone with as much fangirl appeal as Peter!
Angela: If you had listened to my plan, you'd still have everything! Well, except for a large chunk of NYC, and .07 of the world's population, but that's besides the point!
Nathan: Shut up, you evil old hag! Get out of Peter's apartment!
Angela: Fine! Hey- what's this picture of me with a bloody sign on? OMG!
Japan, 1671
Hiro: We couldn't have a season premiere without my catchphrase- YATAAAAAA! I saved Kensei!
japanese guy: Except that I'm not Kensei, you idiot! runs
Hiro: Not Kensei? But then...
Kensei: Don't move, or I'll shoot you with my scary crossbow!
Hiro: OMG!! You're Kensei! fanboy squeal
Kensei: Who the bloody hell are you?
Hiro: You're biggest fan, ever! I know all about how great and wonderful you are!
Kensei: Let me take this mask off, it's getting uncomfortable
Hiro : WHAT??? My ancient Japanese hero is a frickin WHITE GUY??? Your awesomeness dropped like, 500000 points right there!
Costa Verde, California
HRG: I've gone from working for a mysterious bad-ass company to working for an actual ass
Boss: I'm the boss from hell! I don't care about your daughter- there are way too many ink cartridges left unpacked! Get to work, slave!
HRG: Hmm...maybe working for an evil company was better...
Boss: Paper is serious business! The fate of the world depends on how this paper is packed, printed on, and used!
wherever the heck Mohinder is, The world
Company guy: So, our company was formed in order to protect the super-people. We either teach them to use their powers for good, or sometimes have to kill them for the good of mankind.
Mohinder: WTF? You guys don't have a right to decide who lives and dies!
Co. Guy: Says the man who made a totally pathetic attempt to kill Sylar!
Mohinder: That doesn't count! He was an evil murderer!
Co. Guy: Well, now you and Parkman are protecting Molly...that's really going to cause trouble for you
Mohinder: Say anything about the kind of fanfiction that will spawn, and I'm gonna have to kill you.
Co. Guy: Well, you should come work for us so that you can study that virus you talked about.
Mohinder: No way, it'll be too expensive for your filthy underground company!
Co. Guy: No it won't, we have alchemy on our side! (turns spoon to gold)
Mohinder: Whoa! Do you have the Philosopher's Stone??? What the heck do we need the research for then?
Co. Guy: What?
Mohinder: Um...never mind...
New York, Mohinder's Apartment
Matt: Pizza time!
Molly: Unlike most kids, I want to eat things other than pizza. When's Mohinder gonna come back and make those delicious samosas?
Matt: Look, we need to talk.
Molly: About your detectives exam? I know that you cheated and read people's minds.
Matt: Using my ability isn't cheating. Haven't you seen The Incredibles? I'm just using my talent to get ahead.
Molly: You're a filthy little cheater, Matt!
Matt: Anyway, let's talk about your creepy drawings!
Molly: No way! I'm eating in my room!
Matt: Jeez, she's not even a teenager yet, and she's already angsty. I probably should have just read her mind for answers...
Somewhere in a creepy jungle in Honduras
Maya: Once we get to America, I'm sure that this Indian guy will be able to cure me!
Alejandro: Yes, of course he will, because knowing the cause of things means that there's a cure. Hence why we have cures for cancer and aids...
Truck driver 1: We decided to stop because you two didn't pay enough. It was only 10000 if we DID get to rape your sister!
Truck driver 2: Yeah, so we're leaving you in the jungle and taking your sister. We're sure this'll end well!
Costa Verde High School
Claire: This sucks- I have to watch all those bitchy cheerleaders while I'm stuck playing badminton! The loser's version of tennis of all things!
Martha: Stupid slippery gym floor! (slips)
Cheerleader: Hey, remember Jackie? I'm twice the evil bitch she was! I'm going to taunt Martha...
Claire: Yeah, you do that while I go talk to my obvious love-interest.
West: Here's your birdie. Btw, you're a robot.
Claire: You can't figure out people just by seeing one incident, genius. Now leave me alone.
Cheerleader: We're still tormenting Martha. We want her to do a backflip off the tower so we can taunt her more.
Claire: (sarcasm) Oooh! You can do a back flip! Wow, you're just queen of the world, aren't you?? I can do a backflip just as easily as all you losers!
Cheerleaders: Really? Then do one!
Claire: Actually, come to think of it, having the whole school watch me do a backflip is probably not what Dad meant when he said, "don't let anyone notice you"
West: Yup...she's definitely a robot. A frickin hot robot, but still a robot...
NYC
Matt: Ok, now that she's asleep, I'll see what these nightmares are all about!
Molly: dreaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! DON"T HURT ME!!! AAAAH!!! (wakes up)
Matt: Don't worry, it was just a dream! Well, probably not really, but we'll say it was for now.
Molly: Don't try to find him, Matt! He'll KILL you!
Matt: Oh don't worry, they won't kill off-
Molly: If you were going to use the "fangirl appeal" excuse, don't bother- it doesn't work for you.
Costa Verde High School
Claire: Injuring myself when nobody's here is fun! (backflip)
Claire: Ouch! For some reason, breaking my leg just now really hurt- even though I usually don't feel any pain...
West: Hey, robot, why are you still here???
Copy Kingdom
HRG: Ahh, nothing like a nice, long break and a hot cop of coffee...
Boss: What the hell are you doing?? Your break is over! Get to work!
HRG: Now it's time to do the one thing every worker in America has wanted to do... totally pwn their boss!
Fans: Yeah, this is a great way to not attract attention...
HRG: Now, listen up, you little bitch. I'm gonna take long breaks, show up to work late, and do everything else every American dreams of doing at work. And you're not going to say anything, got it?
Boss: yes!! ack!
HRG: Good! Now say, "who's your daddy!" C'mon, say it!
Japan, 1671
Hiro: I can't believe this! A famed Japanese hero turns out to be a Gaijin?? I refuse to believe this!
Kensei: Yeah, I just came up with the name Kensei on the way hear from England!
Hiro: (in english) You're English! I learned that language last season!
Fans: Well, duh, of course he's English. Didn't those Brits own pretty much everything?
Kensei: Well, that's bloody excellent! Now I can talk with this bloody fake accent so that fans won't have to bother reading those subtitles!
Hiro: This makes no sense! You're supposed to be all heroic! You're supposed to have the beautiful swordsmith's daughter fall for you, and you're supposed to save Otsu!
Kensei: It seems a tad late for that...
Hiro: Ack! What have I done??
NYC, on the roof of Isaac's apartment
Kaito: Ando, I'm going to die...and I can't say how or by who...it's too early in the season. But I want you to leave for your own safety.
Ando: No! I'm going to be loyal like Hiro and help you!
Kaito: Ok, fine. If you want to help...go search NYC for a good sword.
Ando: OK!
Kaito: Wow...can you say gullible?
Angella: Kaito, we need to have a vague conversation about our impending deaths and the group we seem to have had in the past.
Kaito: Obviously, we're marked for death as revenge for people we killed. I tried to redeem myself by helping my son with his quest. And what did you do? You decided to let your son explode!
Angella: Why you! (slap)
Japan, 1671
Hiro: OMG...I've messed up the future! Why didn't I pay more attention when we read A Sound of Thunder in High School?
Kensei: Meh, whatever.
Hiro: But you're supossed to save them and marry the swordsmith's daughter!
Swordsmith's Daughter: You suck! I'm taking back my father's sword and never speaking to you again!
Hiro: No!!! Everything is going wrong! You have to save them! You have to be a hero! You-- (punched)
Hiro: Why do people love punching me? (faints)
The Bennet's new house, California
HRG: I sure was able to afford a nice house on a copy store employee's salary, wasn't I?
Ms. Bennet: So...Claire, was school uneventful?
Claire: Um...why, of course it was. I didn't do anything that made the whole school notice me, or anything. And I definitely didn't meet any creepy future love interests.
Ms. Bennet: That's great. Let's talk about Mr. Muggles, now!
HRG: Oh, my phone is ringing. Not that I'm answering any suspicious phone calls anymore...
Mohinder: (on phone) Guess what? Those idiots finally hired me!
HRG: Yes! Now, let's bring this company down!
The creepy jungle, Honduras
Alejandro: I guess it's time for us to finally show my sister's totally lame "power"- everyone on the truck has mysteriously died!
Maya: NO!!! What have I done???
Alejandro: We can't explain exactly what your power is now- it's only the season premiere! Now, let's take this truck full of dead bodies and get the heck out of here!
Claire's bedroom, california
Claire: I'm feeling angsty...I should call my biological father that I hate...
Nathan: Who gave you this number? I don't wanna be bothered by my illegitimate child now!
Claire: Listen, even though I only knew Peter for like, a day, I definitely miss him as much as you, the brother who spent his whole life with him! I just need someone to talk to!
Nathan: About what? Your lame high schooler problems? Does it look like I give a--
Claire: But I can't pretend to be someone else! I need to be myself, or I'm going to EXPLODE!
Nathan: ...
Claire: Er...sorry, that was unintended.
Nathan: I can't help you. Deal with this problem on your all while I drink and wallow in my misery.
Claire: (hangs up)
Nathan: Hey, what's this weird, burnt up face in the mirror?
Claire:sigh
West: I'm watching Claire in her bedroom using my awesome flying power. That's about as sketchy as my having a power was predictable!
NYC
Kaito: I'm sure that a rooftop is the best place to stand when trying to avoid death...
Hooded figure: ...
Kaito: I never expected it to be you! Too bad none of the fans know who you are!
Ando: Sir! I got the sword, and--ack!
Hooded figure: Let's both take this fall together!
Ando: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Cork, Ireland
Irish gangster: As if that last scene wasn't dramatic enough, we're going to end this premiere with a super big cliffhanger!
Irish gangster 2: And as if Kensei's fake British didn't bother you enough, now you'll have to deal with our fake Irish ones!
Gangsters: Let's open up the thing full of iPods, cuz this show needs more product placement.
Gangster 3: Hey...there aren't any ipods- it's just a guy who should have an emo haircut, but doesn't!
Gangster 1: I bet he stole the iPods! Die, loser!
Peter: Electric shock attack!
Gangster 2: Who are you???
Peter: I don't know!!!! I'm just here to reassure the fangirls that I'm not dead!
to be continued...