TITLE: ruining my groove
SUMMARY: Luka might be fine with Gakupo's quirks and weirdness and eggplant fetishes, but Miku is not. He is uncool, he is gross, and he is RUINING HER GROOVE. In which Miku tries to make Gakupo cool, by High School standards.
RATING: T
NOTES: hahahah… hi guys :) guess who's back with a nonsensical, purely cracky oneshot? Yup, that's me. R&R :)
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So Gakupo is weird.
He's more than weird. He's like… a freak. And Miku knows she sounds like all sorts of superficial when she says it like that but he is. Like, she normally wouldn't mind if he just kept it to himself. And did his weird eggplant thing and weird singing thing in the library or wherever people like him hung out during lunch. But now that he's dating Luka? He. Is. Everywhere.
He's at their table during lunch. He's in their Geography class during one of his frees (which, by the way, is like… what the hell. SPEND YOUR FREES SLEEPING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE). He's out with them whenever they go to the beach or the park or wherever they want to go when they feel like chilling. And the worst part? At the end of the day, when they're all going home, and Rin and Luka get into her car because carpooling is like the coolest thing ever, HE IS THERE. With them. In the car. Being himself. Singing. And eating eggplants. Like what the actual hell.
At first, she didn't want to say anything because, you know, Luka likes him and she knows that Gakupo isn't going out of his way to be gross or anything. And she didn't want to come off as a complete bitch either. But Hatsune Miku is now being associated with Gakupo. And that is just… no. Just no.
Luka can handle that because she's intimidating and her boobs are big.
Miku, on the other hand? Nope. Not even a tiny bit. She's cool because she built herself that way, and damn it, Gakupo is just tearing all of her hard work down.
Well, you know what?
She isn't going to stand for it anymore.
She is going to stand strong.
She is going to fight.
Miku dials in a number.
"Gakupo? Get your ass out here."
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FIRST COURSE OF ACTION: CONFRONTING THE SUBJECT
Being his weird self, he's smiling widely at her as she approaches him. Yuck. Friendliness. So not needed.
"We need to talk," she says, arms crossed and frowning.
He blinks. "Oh, Hatsune Miku, what ever is the problem?"
Good God. "You. You are the problem."
"What have I done wrong?"
"First of all, you stink of eggplant," she says, even though he actually smells okay today. But whatever. "And you're uncool. You're making me look uncool. I have lost so much respect for myselfjust because you're my friend. Even though you're not. You're like, Luka's friend. Boyfriend. Whatever." She flicks her hair behind her, staring at him expectantly.
Gakupo gives out a long ridden, dramatic sigh. "Oh, what ever shall I do! The ally of my most beloved finds me abhorrent –"
"Oh my God, shut up," Miku groans. "Who talks like that? Who – okay, whatever, I'm just going to get to my point. You're ugly and weird and I don't like you that much because you annoy me, but because Luka likes you I'm just going to shoot in the dark and guess that you'll be around anyway. So." She looks at him steadily. "I thought of something."
Before he can talk, she continues. "You know how like, in the movies, if they want to make a girl not nerdy they take off her glasses and put her in a tight dress?"
He nods. "I do remember such images flickering in my vision –"
"Yeah, okay. So basically, I'm going to do that to you except I'll give you a nice haircut and actual clothes instead of this folksy traditional Japan thing you've got going on." She looks pointedly down at his white samurai get-up. "And… maybe teach you how to talk. Like, talk normally. And not how you talk, because how you talk is weird."
Instead of acting indignant, or acting surprised, he just smiles at her bemusedly. "Miss Hatsune," he says. "My beloved, to my great pleasure, loves me just the way I am. Why would I ever want to modify myself to suit the needs of your superficial acquaintances?"
"Um. Because no one likes you?"
He just looks at her as if to say, 'and that matters to me… why?'
"Gakupo, just trust me on this," Miku insists. "You and Luka will thank me once I've brought you to the height of cool. I will make you legendary. But in the meantime, you're going to have to stay at least five feet away from me, just to be safe."
"You are strange," he says, but he complies, taking a few steps back.
He can wear… a flannel shirt, and jeans. Maybe skinny jeans. And he might even be able to keep his hair, if he, you know, stops putting ribbons in it and whatever. He can totally be the indie of the group. And he can wear sunglasses. And he can wear them in places where you don't need to wear sunglasses!
She is a genius. She is a complete, utter genius.
"Gakupo," she says excitedly. "We are going shopping."
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SECOND COURSE OF ACTION: ALTERING THE LOOK
Fifteen minutes in at the mall, he starts sobbing at her feet.
"Miss Hatsune," he cries out, holding her ankle dramatically. "Please let me go. I can't handle this anymore. I can't handle the air conditioned rooms. I can't handle the faceless mannequins. It is too much, Miss Hatsune, it is simply too –"
"Oh my God, Gakupo, grow some balls," Miku snaps, pulling him up (then promptly wiping her hand on her skirt afterwards). "It's just clothes. And the mall. And I'm paying for you, you douchebag, so shut your trap and enjoy the luxury of looking cool."
"It's not a luxury when my – excuse my crude language – junior eggplant is being stifled."
She whips around, gaping in disgust. "Ew, you call your penis your 'junior eggplant'? What's wrong with you? What do you call your senior eggplant then? Actually, I don't even want to know. Look, if we're really, really lucky, maybe you can wear some kind of old-Japanese traditional shirt... maybe," she adds firmly at his hopeful look.
"My dear Luka misses me dearly," he sighs. "Oh so very dearly."
"I'm sure she'll live," Miku says, rolling her eyes. "Look, I've got you not one, but two shirts. And a pair of jeans. Get into the changeroom and change. You do know how to button up a shirt, right?"
"I've never had to use such an ability," he says sadly. "Until now."
"Just go," she says, and pushes him forward. Like a man walking to his execution, he stalks off into the changerooms without another word. Thank God.
Staring down at her phone, she wonders how she'll get him to talk like a normal person. She wonders how he grew up without talking like a normal person. Maybe his parents are like, ancient Japanese fanatics who spend their days drinking green tea and speaking proverbs.
When Gakupo comes out, he doesn't look half bad. And his body isn't that bad, either. He's not too wiry, or anything. In fact, his shoulders are pretty broad. He could totally try out for the football team.
And the long hair doesn't look so bad, now that he's wearing the shirt. He just looks like one of those artsy sorts.
But the image is ruined when he's fiddles and twitches and wriggles and looks extremely uncomfortable. She frowns at him.
"What's wrong? You look good."
"Miss Hatsune," he exhales dramatically, clutching to one of the walls. "This shirt – these pants, they constrict my soul, my body..."
"Calm down, you haven't even buttoned up the collar," Miku scoffs. "Anyway, we're getting you this whether you like it or not. Creep. You can wear these for the rest of the day, for practice. You need to learn to dress like this to be cool. And hey, if you wear this, you might not even need to cut your hair. Coolness points have already been boosted by five percent."
"It's a bit useless using statistics for something completely subjective. My Luka, for example, happens to think I'm very cool."
"Yeah, and I'm sure your mummy also thinks you're very, very special. Whatever, irrelevant, I'll buy you the clothes and you're going to wear them for the rest of the day. Right? Right?"
"Wearing tight pants is never right," he mumbles.
"If you play your cards right, you could be the new Kaito," Miku says. "Jokes, you won't. He's too perfect and you're too weird."
"I must confess, Miss Hatsune," Gakupo says. "My platonic, brotherly-like affection for you is – sadly enough – waning."
"Yeah, dude, I don't like you much either. Now get back in the change room."
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Two hours later, and Gakupo is sweating like a pig. Or, in Gakupo's words, "I am crying from my body!" Seriously, his jeans are not that tight. This is ridiculous.
By three, she's bought him four bags of clothes. He takes them with so much misery in his eyes she begins to think she's broken him. Which is probably not very ideal. Maybe she should text Luka about it. Hey Luka, I broke your boyfriend. Oops.
But this is merely a bump. A bump in the road to a better future, a better man, a better social life!
Life... is good.
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THIRD COURSE OF ACTION: SPREADING THE WORD
"Did you hear about Gakupo?" Miku says to Meiko, because even though Meiko totally wants Kaito's pants and Kaito's pants totally belong to Miku, Meiko is rather cool and getting her to like Gakupo would be very useful for her future endeavours in making Gakupo look cool.
"No?" Meiko says disinterestedly, redoing her eyeliner. "Isn't Gakupo that guy with really nice hair?"
"Yes," Miku says excitedly. "That one. You'll never believe this – when I was out shopping, there was this total creep who came onto me. You know that busker guy, right outside the fountain down at Lindfield centre?"
"Oh, gosh, yeah." Meiko wrinkles her nose in disgust. "The guitar guy with that weird stain on his pants."
"He totally tried to feel me up. Then you'll never guess what happened."
"What?"
"Gakupo totally karate-chopped him down."
"Karate? Gakupo knows karate?" Meiko's red lips form an 'o' of surprise. "That is so cool!"
"I know, right?" Miku grins, barely able to contain her giddiness. "I guess that's why he wears those white robes all the time."
Meiko frowns. "Miku, isn't karate Chinese? His clothes are like, Japanese."
Oh. Oops. "Right. I guess it's good he's involved with all of Asian culture," Miku nods.
"Wow, I had no idea he was so cultured. Still don't know why he's always posting Facebook statuses when no one likes them, though." Meiko shrugs, putting her eyeliner pencil down and taking out her eyebrow pencil.
Oh God. His statuses. She totally forgot about them.
Okay, she can do this. Gakupo has timeline, which means there will be a lot of uncoolness to delete. This is going to be a lot of work.
But this is worth it. It is freaking worth it.
Gakupo will be cool. Mark her words.
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FOURTH COURSE OF ACTION: DAMAGE CONTROL
"Gakupo! Open your door! I need to talk to you!" Miku knocks on it furiously. "It's an emergency!"
He opens the door, but with the most miserable look ever. "What?"
"Dude, you should be so much more appreciative of my help here," Miku says, sniffing. "I'm selflessly helping you gain social status, and with no charge."
"I don't want it," he whines.
"Well, maybe not now, but deep, deep down you do," Miku says. "Now, are you going to let me in, or what?"
Reluctantly, he lets her in, and she examines the place with a critical eye. It smells strangely... woody. There are all these traditional looking paintings on the walls, and they don't look too bad. Not her style, but not horrible or anything.
"Rad pad," she says.
He just stares at her.
"Now, where's your computer?" She scans the place until she finds a MacBook, coincidentally enough Facebook open. "Oh my God. Okay. I need to fix this."
"Miss Hatsune, what do you think you're doing..." he walks over, frowning in puzzlement as she deletes post after post.
"I'm deleting all of your ugliness on Facebook. It's always better to be less active than more active on Facebook. That way, people will think you've got better things to do. The only reason why you should ever be really active on Facebook is if you have a lot of a friends and a lot of likes. You have none." Delete, delete, delete. Ah, damage control never felt so good. "Eventually, people are going to forget your weird statuses, and you can start writing better statuses! Like, you and Luka could go to a frozen yoghurt stall and take a picture of you both eating it! Luka's popular, so you'll get at least thirty likes. In fact, we could totally take a photo of us now. Hang on, let me get out my phone. Look like you're having a lot of fun. Like, laugh or something."
"...er..."
"Actually, just sit down in front of the Mac, and I'll take a picture of me in front of you. And I can caption it, 'Gakupo, hard at work' and totally pull a funny face. Oh my God, I am a genius."
She pushes him down in front of his computer, and proceeds to get out her iPhone. Widening her eyes a bit and pursing her lips, she snaps a photo.
"Dude, this could totally be the new hang-out place. This is great!" She giggles. Things are going better than expected. "Oh, but I still have to delete your shit. Move, eggplant boy."
"Miss Hatsune -"
"Okay, it's on Facebook. I'm done for now. But this," she looks straight at him, serious. "Is not over. I'll be back."
Then she storms out of the house and leaves him befuddled.
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FIFTH COURSE OF ACTION: IMPROVING THE LOOK
"Miku, what the hell are you doing?"
Miku blinks up at Luka, whose eyebrow is raised questioningly. "I'm fixing your boyfriend," she says matter-of-factly.
"...By gelling his hair?" Luka looks down at Gakupo, who sits down dejectedly with his hair looking as slick as... something that's really, really slick. The normal lilac of his hair had darkened to a deep violet. "I really don't know where you're going with this..."
"He's making me look uncool," Miku says. "So I'm trying to make him look cool."
"Is that what you want, Gakupo? To 'look cool'?" Luka says.
Gakupo raises his head. "Nay," he says. He pauses. "Am I more or less attractive like this, my blossom?"
"Less, by far," Luka says dryly. "Take a shower or something. And wear your old clothes. I hate those jeans."
With a beam, Gakupo runs off, leaving Miku gaping.
"You totally wrecked my project!" she protests. "We took a selfie! I deleted his Facebook crap! I emptied my wallet for him! You've ruined all my hard work!"
"You bullied my boyfriend."
"He's ruining my groove!"
"Miku..." Luka sighs, placing a hand on Miku's shoulder, her eyes clearly swimming with sympathy, for Miku was being ever-delusional. "We all know where this stems from."
"What?"
"You don't think anyone will ever like you, because you're not nearly as pretty or charismatic as I am, so you're trying to prove that hard work and money can make up for it via my boyfriend," Luka states simply. "But that's okay, Miku. It's okay to be unpopular."
Miku stares at her. "What."
"I mean, you see how unpopular Gakupo is, sure; but I think that it all just roots from how much you secretly empathise with him. You, deep, deep down, are Gakupo. He reminds you... of you."
"Umm... ew."
"So I think that you should just go eat some ice cream – or leek – and calm down, okay?"
"Uh..." But Luka starts steering Miku out of Gakupo's house anyway, only stopping when they reach the doorway.
"Also, Miku? If you ever touch my boyfriend's hair again..." And here she smiles a movie-star smile, all innocent and nice and stuff except not, because she's secretly evil inside "...I will cut you."
...And that is why no one can ever ruin Luka's groove.