This is a missing scene between Sam looking out the window and Dean finding him drunk. As hard as it was for Dean to be asked, I felt it had to be just as hard – even harder – for Sam to ask – so here it is

Driven to Drink

I should have been able to save him.

He was right here. Mere doors away and yet… nothing. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing!

I don't get it... What is the point of all this if I can't even save someone three doors down??

We came here to save people. We knew there was something killing them and yet, still, we were unable to save him. I was unable to save him!

Is that how things are going to go down with me?

We know the demon has plans for me. We know what they are and yet, still, what if we can't save me? What if Dean can't save me?

Oh I know Dean will want to – and he'll do anything to try – but in the end, what if he can't? What if I am beyond saving?

My brother is only a man…

A hell of a man but still only a man… and if he can't?

Then what?

I don't want to be evil... a killer. A soldier on the dark side of a war… Oh please God, I don't want to hurt anyone – I don't want…

I don't want Dad to be dead.

I don't want Jessica to be dead.

Or Mom.

And now Ava? I don't know if she is dead or just wishes to be dead…

What kind of life is this?

Death walks with me, and one day I am terrified I will realize that it more than walks with me, but that I am it…

And then I will kill Dean.

Oh sweet Jesus – no!

What if that is why the demon hasn't come for my brother yet?

What if he intends to use Dean as my initiation into his hall of the damned?

Baptized in maternal blood; confirmed with fraternal –

I think I'm going to be sick.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I would do it myself if I thought I could… I'd kill me.

But I'm terrified that when the times comes, it will already be too late –

I wish Dad were still alive. He'd do it.

But he isn't and I have no choice…

I need to ask Dean –

I need to ask my brother to kill me.

I'm so scared though… For both of us.

How can I do that to him? He is my brother.

How can I ask him to murder me? I would do anything for him.

But how can I not?

He is the only one I trust.

He is all I have left…

And he needs to know that if the time comes – the time our father forecast – then in my right mind, today, it is okay with me.

If he kills me it won't be murder, but mercy; if I kill him… I'll be a monster –

The demon wants me… but my life belongs to Dean.

It has to be this way.

I am sorry brother…

Oh God. I need a drink.

Sam Winchester