DISCLAMER: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh at all, as is true for all of my other fanfictions. I think I forgot to mention it in my other one shots. Sorry.
Here is another comedy one shot chugged out from my insane idea stash! Ever since I read the first volume of Sergeant Frog, I always wanted to do a fic that shed a very humorous light on a sometimes very grim subject…and boy, did this idea turned out weird. I also always wanted to do an 'Opposite Day' kind of one shot, so I found this one to be the funniest way to do it!
I don't mean to offend any religious people at all when it comes to this fic. I liked this idea, and I thought it was funny. (Shrugs) What can I do? I have a sick little mind.
The following is rated PG for extreme randomness, extreme out of characterness, Tristan being the star of it, poking fun at the Prophet Nostradamus (this is how I spell his name, it's probably not right), and overall senclessness and stupidness. Enjoy.
THE SILLIEST APOCALYPSE FIC EVER
For countless centuries, human beings have feared the ultimate natural disaster that was doomed to take place in both religion and science…THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! It's a scary thought, a thought that not many people want to talk about. But unknown to most people, The End of the World nearly almost pretty darn close to not quite but it pretty much happened in metaphorical terms…ended.
Hundreds of years ago, one of the greatest prophets, doom speakers, and weathermen, Nostradamus (sometimes referred to as 'Big Nose and Stupid-Looking Glasses'), made a startling prediction, that had many innocent civilians quake in their shoes.
"Duh…I'm bored…" he said, staring at a blank rock in his kitchen, because that's what people stared at before TV's were invented. "OH! I GOT IT! I PREDICT THAT THE WORLD SHALL ENDIN THE SEVENTH MOUNTH OF 1999! EVERYONE SHALL ACT SO INSANELY OPPOSITE OF HOW THEY USUALLY DO, AND THEN, THE ANGEL OF DEATH SHALL STRIKE THE EARTH DOWN TO IT'S CORE, DESTROYING IT! AND I ALSO PREDICT THAT BETA TAPES WILL NEVER COMPLETELY GET OFF THE GROUND! MWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
So far, Big Nose, ahem, Nostradamus had been correct on many of his predictions, such as the Kennedy Assassination, the Death of Mother Teresa, partly sunny with a high in the mid-seventies, and now…the Beta Tapes. So is it true, then, that his prediction of the end of the world shall be true?
Then, in July, 1999, I, TRISTAN TAYLOR, THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN YU-GI-OH EVER, awoke, to unwillingly find that I was indeed the only one who could alter the end of the world! As you know, the world never did successfully end, but how? How can one mortal teenager alter the course of nature and fate? For the first time, I shall open up my log to show you just how I did it!
My house
11:13 AM
"FOR THE LAST TIME MOM, I'M GOING TO GET THE STUPID MILK!" I said, as I, TRISTAN TAYLOR, THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN YU-GI-OH EVER, walked down to the corner store to pick up some spare milk for my mother. It seemed like an insignificant task, but when going to get my milk, I finally realized in the possibility that Nostradamus's prophecy could in fact be coming true!
"HI TRISTAN!" screamed Duke, playing a one man band sort of instrument, as he walked down the road in a pink dress, and knee-high boots with spiked heels, walking right toward me on a public street. "Guess what? I'm going to get married to a rock today! Wanna be my best man?"
"Duke!" I cried in shock at his attire. "Why are you wearing women's clothing? And why are you marrying a rock?"
"Felt like it, and felt like it!" said Duke. "Me and Rocky are madly in love, and I finally popped the question, and guess what? Rocky accepted! Oh, and Seto called dibs on Flower Girl, so you can't switch."
"What?" I asked, in complete confusion.
"Seto. He's going to be the Flower…Guy. He called dibs," said Duke, trying to sound a little bit clearer.
However, before I could further my confusion as to why Duke would want to marry a rock, or wear women's clothing, or why Seto Kaiba would suddenly call out the position of Flower Girl, I suddenly saw a whirl of black ram into me, as I was suddenly ran down by a little man in a black cape. It was just then until I realized it was…
"Yugi?" I asked in confusion.
"STAY BACK FOOL!" screamed Yugi, quickly righting himself, and covering his face with his cloak, as if I was some sort of disgusting, pulsating, oozing creature. "I don't need you're filthy hides mucking up my CLOAK OF DARKNESS!"
"Where are the others?" I asked, referring to Tea, Joey, and Bakura, his best friends.
"I DON'T NEED THOSE FOOLS!" screamed Yugi. "I am a loner now! I don't need that load of trash about friendship! I can take care of myself!"
"A-are they gone yet?" asked Yugi's darker side, Yami-Yugi, frequently referred to as Yami, crouching behind a telephone pole.
"BEGONE FILTH!" screamed Yugi, as Yami screamed and hid behind the telephone pole again. "I felt your loserness, clinging to me for years, BUT NO MORE! I'M FREE! FREE DO YOU HEAR? FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And so Yugi ran off, and Yami ran in the opposite direction crying, and I ran away from Duke as fast as I could, trying to find someone I can consult on the matter of what was happening. Little did I know what grave danger the world was truly in!
"Hey! I'm going to destroy the world today Tristan! Want to watch?" called Serenity from the square. "Oh well…I'll ask him later…"
Outside the Domino City Convent
11:19 AM
After several minutes of running around screaming at the top of my lungs at a very high octave, I, TRISTAN TAYLOR, THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN YU-GI-OH EVER, decided to seek help from the clergy. Well, actually, you could say that it was really decided for me, because I bumped into a nun. Well, not just any nun.
"YAGH-umph!" I said, as my entire body, and face, slammed into the back of a nun. Miraculously, she didn't fall over.
"Oh, no trouble, no trouble," said the nun, turning around. Once again, I found myself screaming at a very high octave, because there, fully clothed in the attire of a nun, was Mai Valentine, well known flirt, butt kicker, and tiny clothes wearer.
"MAI! WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A NUN?" I cried in horror.
"Because I am a nun, dear!" said Mai cheerfully, pulling me up from the pavement of which I fell onto, dusting me off with her hands, and patting my head like a young schoolboy. "Oh yes, there was a time in my life when I wore to much makeup, was blinded my materialism, and had a tendency to wear, uh, revealing blouses, but I decided now was the time to devote myself to a simple life, aiding my body and mind to the greater good!"
"WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?" I screamed, once again, at a very high and silly octave.
"Because dear, tonight is the End of the World!" said Mai, reaching into a picnic basket she was carrying. "Oatmeal and Raison Cookie?"
"Excuse me, are you Tristan Taylor, the Most Important Character to Ever Be in Yu-Gi-Oh?" said the voice of Seto Kaiba behind me. However, once again, I found something to be terribly wrong with his mentality as well, because he was wearing a black tank top, tan shorts, purple sunglasses, and tennis shoes.
"Um…yes?" I answered, in a state of shock.
"YAY!" said Kaiba, pulling out a huge mallet, and before I could say or do anything, he slammed me to the curve, I felt a terribly sharp pain in my head, and everything went black…
A Plain Bound for England
Time unknown
When I finally came to, still feeling a sharp pain in my head, I found myself on a plain seat bound for the United Kingdom. Not only was I disappointed that I didn't get the window seat, but I was also disappointed that it was occupied by my captor, Kaiba, as well as his partner in crime, wearing no shirt, camo pants, and black stuff smeared all over his face, while carrying a huge machine gun, Ryo 'Whoa, look at the size of that gun' Bakura.
"Alright!" I said, asserting myself to my two subjugators. "What do you two want with me? I suggest you let me go before I call the authorities!"
"We're heading to the top Secret, English branch of PWWSEW, People Who Wanna Stop the End of the World!" said Kaiba cheerfully. "We're here to transport you to our headquarters to receive vital information, and then send you back to your mission in Domino City!"
"SHUT UP YOU GIDDY GIT!" yelled Ryo.
"How did I get here?" I asked in shock.
"Well, I knocked you out, then all three of us bought a one way ticked to the UK, we had to forge Ryo's paperwork, of course, after last years plane trip…" said Kaiba.
"I swear, one loose compact missile, and the whole bloody plane goes down…" said Ryo darkly.
"So now we're going to take you, because HQ sepisticly, sesisticaly, sorry, spe-cif-fic-ly wanted Tristan Taylor, the Most-" Kaiba ranted on happily.
"Wait a second," I asked. "You bought one way tickets?"
"Yeah," said Kaiba.
"DUDE! Why would you want to buy a one way ticket if we were going to head back? Why didn't you buy a round trip?" I asked.
"I figured we could just buy another ticket…" Kaiba said.
"Jeez! No one's stupid enough to buy a one way ticket when abducting people against their will!" Tristan said.
"APRICOTS!" Kaiba screamed.
"Oh, you idiot!" I said.
---ooo---
"We'd be happy to sell you a ticket back to the States sir," said a woman behind the counter. "Name?"
"TRISTAN TAYLOR, THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER TO EVER BE IN YU-GI-OH!" I said.
"Okay…any frequent flyer miles saved up?" she asked.
"Nope, apparently the all got spent on my trip here," said Tristan.
"Maybe we can offer you one of our specials," said the ticket seller. "Are you here on business?"
"Not exactly…" I said.
"That rules that out," said the ticket seller. "You aren't here because your fleeing a country are you?"
"No," I said flatly.
"Are you here because you were dragged from overseas against your will?" asked the ticket seller.
"Why, yes actually!" I said.
"Oh good, we're having a special!" said the ticket seller. "You get up to fifty percent off a second-class ticket for today only! You could always charge it, of course, since it's the End of the World and all…"
"Okay!" I said, but at that moment, I was grabbed by Ryo, and my body was slung over his shoulders. "Oh, excuse me," I said, leaving a startled ticket seller behind me as I was carried of by Ryo, as Kaiba happily skipped around behind us with a stupid grin on his face, as I was dragged to the men's room, all the way past the sinks, most of the stalls, until the very last one, which had a broken down door and a very dirty looking toilet.
"Um, I'm really not liking how this looks…" I said.
"Get in the toilet," said Ryo.
"Um…I don't think I heard you right…" I said. That's when Ryo stuck a rail gun to the back of my neck.
"Oh, get in the toilet!" I said, trying to sound like I suddenly understood, but in truth, I didn't. I was very thankful that the toilet had no water in it, thought it was covered in slimy green mold.
"YAY! I'M NEXT! I'MNEXTI'MNEXTI'MNEXTI'MNEXTI'MNEXT-" said a very joyful Kaiba, hopping up and down behind me.
"SHUT UP!" said Ryo, flushing the loo. However, I soon found myself sucked into the toilet, only to discover that it was actually a highly complicated tube system that shot me down hundreds of feet bellow the surface of the Earth, landing on a soft, squishy kind of cushion, with the insignia 'PWWSEW' printed on it.
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Kaiba's voice, steadily increasing in volume, until he landed right on top of me.
"I SAID SHUT UP YOU BRAINLESS TWIT!" screamed Ryo, landing on top of him.
"SOCKS ARE COOL!" Kaiba screamed.
"Well-well-well-well-well well well well well well…well…well…well," said a female voice behind a huge swivel chair, which promptly swiveled so that it now faced me. I was then shocked to see Tea Gardner sitting in it, stroking what appeared to be a dead cat while wearing a skin-tight body suit and an eye patch.
"Welcome to the underground headquarters of PWWSEW!" said Tea in a commander-like voice. "Me and Mr. Fuzzy-Uzzy-Fluffa-Softy-Stuffy-Cudly-Floozy-Tingle-Tangle-Toggle-Snuggly-Kittie-Butt were waiting quite a while for you. Weren't we Mr. Fuzzy-Uzzy-Fluffa-Softy-Stuffy-Cudly-Floozy-Tingle-Tangle-Toggle-Snuggly-Kittie-Butt?"
"Um…Miss Gardner…" I said. "Why have you called me here?"
"Well Tristan Taylor, the Most Important Character to Ever Be in Yu-Gi-Oh, you see, if you haven't heard, the World is going to end at the stroke of midnight, and for some strange reason, for reason's our staff cannot explain, it's going to happen exactly on Domino City Time. When we heard this, we quickly fetched you here with our most…um…"
She cast a glance at Ryo, who was incinerating a fly with his bazooka cannon, and Seto, who was sucking his thumb.
"-unique agents," she finished.
"Well, if it's kind of an opposite day, wouldn't your staff be nearly incapable?" I asked.
"It was a bit confusing at first, but we sorted everything out," said Tea. "In fact, our usual Commander is cleaning out the non-teleporty toilets right now."
"I got all the one in the men's room!" called a man who was wearing a commander kind of outfit, holding up a very dirty toothbrush.
"So…why have your called me here?" I asked.
"We want you, Tristan Taylor, etcetera, etcetera, to stop the end of the world," said Tea.
"Do you have any vital information that could save my life?" I asked.
"No," said Tea.
"Do you have any weapons or tactical equipment you can give me?" I asked.
"No," said Tea.
"So…that's it?" I asked.
"Pretty much, yeah," said Tea. "Oh, wait, you do get one thing…"
Suddenly, Kaiba, Ryo, and myself were sucked through a hole in the floor, and sent spiraling through a tube system to a rocket pod that could be launched into orbit, and have the release pod set to fall on the exact location of Domino City.
"Hey Tristan, have you changed your mind about watching me destroy the world?" called Serenity from the street, holding an ice cream cone, sighing. "There he goes ignoring me again…"
Domino City
10:31 PM
"HA!" screamed Odion in triumph in the street, wearing a purple midriff and pretty earings, holding Marik by what looked like a dog collar. "I have finally gained enough Rare Hunters in my vast army to squash all opposition, and finally take over the world! My fate was destined to be a servant boy all my life, but no more! NOW I SHALL RISE ABOVE THE REST, AND FINALLY COMPLETE MY ULTIMATE GOAL OF JIPPING FATE! Isn't that right slave?"
"Yes Master Odion!" said Marik in a meek, subdued sort of voice, his eyes glued to the ground.
"Ha! Take that Destiny. TAKE THAT!" screamed Odion, holding up a huge, red button. "And now, when I press this red button/plot device, my Rare Hunters shall attack, and encircle the globe, in all of their mind-warped glory! THE TIME IS-"
That's when he and Marik got squished by the rocket that landed right in downtown Domino City.
"THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!" screamed Kaiba happily, as he happily hopped out into the street, followed by myself, with Ryo holding a gun to my back, roughly shoving me out of the passenger seat.
"So what are we going to do now meat?" he growled angrily in my ear, hopping out, with the bazooka cannon still held at the back of my head.
"Hm…we obviously a great deal of knowledge of just what to do next…" I, TRISTAN TAYLOR, THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER TO BE IN YU-GI-OH EVER, reasoned. "Of course! Kaiba, who's the dumbest person in the world?"
"SANTA CLAUS!" screamed Kaiba.
"No, try again," I said.
"Santa Claus?" Kaiba asked.
"No, try again, and this time say a different name," I said.
"Um…me?" Kaiba tried.
"Exactly," I said. "And you used to have the brain of a Computer Hacker/Rocket Scientist. So if that's true, that means the smartest person in the town at the moment shall be what used to be…a one-track minded, brainless moron."
"TO THE WHEELER RESIDENCE!" screamed Ryo.
The Abode of Joey Wheeler
10:42 PM
"So after nearly ten years of research, I have finally found the divine secret to solving all the global problems of today, from the recent energy crises, to such modern problems as global conflicts an terrorist bombers," said Joey, sitting in a humongous, red, stuffed chair with Mokuba, sipping tea from antique, nineteenth century china in front of a large fireplace, smoking a bubble pipe. "The solution, and this really is the genius part…is to stop electing fat, obnoxious, spoiled, upper class idiots into government who resemble monkeys stuffed into suits and strategically shaved, hidden behind campaign slogans and shiny Political Party Broadcasts!"
"Genius!" said Mokuba, who was also smoking a bubble pipe, with a huge laptop on his lap. "Joey Wheeler, your theory is truly something of omniscience, and I will eagerly have Kaiba Corp patron it!"
"HI JOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" screamed Kaiba, bursting open the hand carved oak door with one mighty kick.
"Ah! If it isn't my dear friend Kaiba!" said Joey enthusiastically, getting out of his chair.
"Oh god, he followed me here…" said Mokuba under his breath.
"LETS SING!" screamed Kaiba happily, and just as the 'Fun' Song from Spongebob Squarpants started…
"STOP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE! We need to stop the end of the world before this gets any stupider! Joey, do you have any information you can give us to help us stop the end of the world?"
"It's Mr. Wheeler to you, Girly Boy," said Joey, patting Kaiba on the head until he started smiling in ignorant bliss. "I'm going to be blunt Tristan Taylor, The Most Important Blah, Blah, Blah, I never trusted you, and those filthy delinquents you call your friends. If my dear friend Seto hadn't opened the door-"
"More like destroyed it," said Mokuba. "That anorexic twit…"
"-I would have had you thrown out!" said Joey.
"Um…hello? This is the End of the World…" I said.
"For the last time, the answer is no!" said Joey.
"Then again, if the world does end…think of what it will do to the stock market…" said Mokuba in realization.
"You have a point," said Joey. "Alright, you band of Monkey Boys, I'll help you gather information on what to do! Let's go to the computer room!"
"You have a computer room?" I asked. "This is kind of a small apartment…"
"We made room…" said Mokuba, shoving a bat under the chair.
"Think 'Office Space'," said Joey.
Quite a couple dramatic minutes latter
"Alright, I have researched massively into the prophecy of Nostradamus that the world shall end on the seventh month of 1999," said Joey, typing in a computer connected by what appeared to be at least two dozen servers. "I found out that, according to some in depth notes by Nostradamus, the world shall be destroyed by an angel of chaos, and he gave a very detailed description of the angel herself. Apparently, she will have red-brown hair, green-brown eyes, about fourteen, and her name shall be Serenity Wheeler. Do any of you know a girl in the area who fits that description?"
"Nope," I said.
"NO!" screamed Ryo.
"No way!" said Mokuba.
"Duh…onions?" Kaiba asked.
"Do you have any idea of how this can all be stopped?" I asked.
"Well, I tried to look for areas in the city that would be prone to a massive natural dissaster," said Joey, typing again into the computer, to show a huge chart that showed a map in the town, as well as a geological mapping of it. "There seems to be some massive plate shifts around the area of the Domino City Museum, and lets face it, a bunch of freaky things happen their anyway, so why not?"
"But if they're natural, then how can we stop it?" I asked.
"Simple," said Joey. "In order for a wide scale global disaster to occur, you need some sort of man made trigger to completely split our plate into a dozen pieces, and creating a shock wave strong enough to completely crack all of Earth's Tectonic Plates, and send Earth completely out of orbit into a collision course with the sun. But that would take the force of at least of zillions and zillions of nuclear bombs!"
"So just basically keep an eye out for a girl with a bunch of nuclear war heads, and we'll be all set?" I asked.
"Something like that…" said Tristan.
"TO THE DOMINO CITY MUSEUM!" I cried dramatically.
Domino City Museum
11:19PM
We were all stationed perfectly. I, TRISTAN TAYLOR, THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO BE IN YU-GI-OH EVER, was guarding the 'Apocalypse Exhibit' part of the museum, Ryo backed me up with firepower, and Seto was guarding the door with the strict orders to keep any female from entering the building, so no chick could destroy the world.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Yami, running up to the door panting right up to Kaiba. "You have to help me! My aibuo's chasing me, and if he catches up, he's going to kill me by draining my life power! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!"
"Oh, cheya right!" said Kaiba. "It's obvious you a female transvestite!"
"Huh?" Yami asked.
"Yay girly, you heard me! Gonna destroy the world while your at it? Huh? HUH?" asked Kaiba. "Go back home and destroy Mars, or something! You're not going to get past me!"
"What are you? Some kind of an idiot?" asked Yami.
"YAMI! GET OVER HERE!" screamed Yugi at the top of his lungs.
"OH MY GOD, HE FOUND ME!" screamed Yami, but Yugi just grabbed him by his legs, and started dragging him away. "SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!"
"Pfft, stupid girls," said Kaiba. "I don't think they know their messing with! I will so not let some apocalyptic girl just bounce on it! I'd like to see them try to sneak in here!"
"Hey, I'm going to destroy the world, can I go in?" asked Serenity.
"SURE!" said Kaiba, unlocking the door. "Here, you can have Ryo's car keys too!"
---ooo---
"Okay, everything looks save, no girls wandering around with nuclear war heads or anything like that at all!" I said.
"Ooh, one of the kind Ming Dynasty Porcelain," said Ryo, pulling out a grenade launcher, destroying the entire display in a massive explosion. "And now, they're not!"
"Oh good, you changed your mind about watching me destroy the world!" said Serenity cheerfully. "I'm glad! I wanted someone to enjoy the time with!"
"KAIBA YOU IDIOT!" screamed Ryo.
"Yes?" Kaiba asked, walking into the room.
"Oh boy! More friends!" said Serenity. "ABERACROMBONIE Y FITCHA!"
After screaming these magic words, Serenity suddenly had a magical girl-ish transformation, and there she stood in a space-age costume, complete with mystical looking hat, cute boots, a skin tight, metallic mini-dress with puffy sleaves, cool looking jewelry, a bunch of rings on her arms and neck, and a huge, mystical magic wand, bedecked in all kinds of jewels and bangles.
With that, waving her arms in a magical sort of way, she took off the entire second floor of the museum, giving it an open skylight, and hurtled it like nothing into the stratosphere.
"There goes the European Renaissance Period and most of the Greek Clasical period exhibits…" I said.
"Woot, stars," said Kaiba.
And with that, Serenity began to wave her wand and chant a magic spell in some weirdo, funky language, and a huge, mystical space portal opened in the sky, as if a huge hole suddenly appeared in it, and a humongous column of blinding light, at least twenty feet in diameter, and with a bunch of swirling colors, like a sinister rainbow, shined down on the ground with an eerie screech of light completely piercing air, kicking up massive amounts of dust and debris, seeming to drill itself straight to the Earths core, as the Earth suddenly began to shake violently, as if you could feel the entire planet beginning to crack, as the wind howled from the sheer force of it all.
"PRETTY LIGHTS!" screamed Kaiba.
"YOU IDIOT!" screamed Ryo.
"OH NO!" I screamed. "WE'RE TOO LATE! NOTHING CAN STOP THE END OF THE WORLD NOW!"
"SER-EN-IH-TEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Duke, walking in a wedding dress, and gripping the wall so he wouldn't be sucked into the vortex of light. "THE WEDDING'S IN A HOUR! GET INTO YOUR DRESS!"
"KINDA BUSY DUKE!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"OH DARN! I NEED TO GET CHANGED TOO!" said Kaiba, suddenly remembering he was the Flower Girl.
"IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS SILLY 'DESTROY THE WORLD' NONSENSE AND GET INTO YOUR DRESS RIGHT NOW, YOU AREN'T GETTING CAKE AT THE RECEPTION!" yelled Duke angrily.
Now Serenity was in a bit of a pickle. If she stopped causing the End of the World, she had to wait until the next right-wing wacko predicted it. But…no cake…
"You're off the hook," she said, snapping her fingers, and the column of light completely disappeared, leaving a smoldering crater where it was earlier.
"Awesome! The world's not going to be destroyed!" said Tristan. "And everything should go back to normal in about…"
"WHY AM I WEARING A DRESS?" screamed Duke, running away as fast as he could.
"Stupid idiots," said Kaiba, walking away felling he need to burn these clothes, as well as take a nine-hour long shower to wash all traces of Joey and the other losers off him, as Ryo was sobbing on the ground, thinking of all the violence he caused with his plasma cannon, and all the innocent fly's lives he ended.
---ooo---
"Thank you very much Mr. Taylor for your utterly useless and unsearched report on how religion affected government leadership styles in the era of discovery," said Tristan's History Teacher, after hearing his paper read in front of the class. "I'll see you in detention again."
THE END!