Disclaimer:whatever you do, don't take any of this seriously!
I am not a massive uber ultimate godlike jpop fan, so if I get something wrong, I'm sorry! This is meant for nothing more than the funnies.
Enjoy a girly fangirl Eren and a very prudish Armin~
Japan's notorious musical Talent Manager Erwin stared harshly at the five new recruits, sizing them up, seeing if the men were sexy enough for a jpop band, and praying their voices matched up to the reports he'd read.
Every hopeful pop star in Japan knew that Erwin controlled countless talent schools across the country, his music company was a mighty force known collectively as the Survey Corps. He was the man that made and ruined stars, rose them up to the heights of fame, or sent them crashing down. He'd manufactured dozens of chart-topping jpop bands during his years in the business. Simon Cowell shit his pants whenever he heard the name Erwin Smith, and it was more than justified.
They were sat in Survey Corps headquarters. You would think it would be a big building in the heart of Tokyo, with lots of glitter and sparkle, and synchronized dancing in every room. Surprisingly, it was in the heart of the countryside outside the capital. A castle that the Survey Corps had bought for cheap, and remodeled - with extensive cleaning. Even though there were stone halls and ancient paintings lining the walls of every chill corridor, there was still plenty of room for synchronized, sexy jpop dancing. Eren had found himself shocked when he was led here at first, but inside the place was pretty goddamned tricked out. There were glitter cannons and flower machines that the Ouran Host Club would be proud of.
They were sat at a long table, before the standing Erwin, with a projection screen behind him. The Talent Manager paced up and down.
"You all know why you're here," Erwin told the youths before him. "You five are the best students from Talent School 104. Chosen because you have the highest grade scores, and are considered the most skilled trainees in the country." He looked to the first boy, up from his clipboard, face stoic. "Jean Kirsten, you have been selected because you excel at specialized dance moves..." he pressed a button on his remote control, and a video popped up on the screen behind him. "We have been sent astounding evidence." It was a clip of Jean doing a slow motion flip in the air on a black background.
Jean put a saluting hand on his heart. "I will do my best to serve the you for the good of the jpop industry, sir."
He moved on to the next boy. Connie avoided Erwin's piercing gaze. Erwin stared into his clipboard seriously. "Connie Springer, you were chosen because of your exceptional breakdancing agility, and you have been reported to be very emotional - which fangirls desperately find moe."
Connie saluted in the same way. "I will be as sexy as I can possibly be to the fangirls, sir!" Erwin nodded approvingly, continuing down the line.
"Armin Arlet!" Erwin exclaimed.
"Yesss sir!?" Armin replied, terrified, wetting his pants a little.
"You ranked a lot lower on the sexyness test than all the other boys from Talent School 104," Erwin informed him bluntly. Armin cringed. "Usually that would mean we would never allow you to become part of an elite boyband, but you have other skills. You have a unique voice unlike any other man - it is so high pitched, uke, and pathetic, just like a woman. This means you are able to achieve harmonies that usually only a female singer would be able to reach. This is a formidable talent, one that will give your band a considerable advantage over those with merely masculine voices. Plus, you look like a sissy little girl, so your presence may bring yaoi enthusiasts to our audience. Doubly so if you crossdress."
Armin shuddered a touch, but this was his choice. He'd signed up to join Talent School 104 along with Eren and Mikasa, he knew what he was getting himself into. He would become a successful pop singer, even if it meant crossdressing along the way.
Second to last on the row was Mikasa. Erwin sighed when he reached her. "The trainers at Talent School 104 recognised your skills were superior to any of your classmates. Unfortunately, however, you are female, and cannot become part of the ultimate smexy mens boyband along with the others. But we will not allow your abilities to be wasted. You will become the choreographer of this new group, controlling their onstage performances as well as overseeing their music videos."
Mikasa nodded curtly, obediently. "Hai." This was a relief. She didn't have to be subjected to the humiliation of being part of a dancing jpop group. She still didn't really know why Eren had insisted they all join the Talent School, with such sincerity, too. Jpop was probably just a gay fetish of his.
Finally, Erwin reached the last recruit. He was special. His singing was filled with levels of passion that were unheard of. He could cry on demand during a performance. Erwin had seen a video of Eren Jaeger singing a solo shirtless, with a storm pouring down on the sky, rain mixing with his tears. It was pumped with such extreme emotion, that the head of the Survey Corps had shed a single tear. It was probably among the top ten most beautiful things he'd ever witnessed.
"Eren Jaeger," Erwin said imposingly. "Any teenage girl who watches you sing would have to be either blind, or a total lesbian not to fall in love with you. You are a new and inexperienced virgin in the jpop industry, but I believe once you make your debut, you have the potential to become the next heartthrob."
This was the chance Eren had been waiting for his entire life. Since he'd seen his first Arashi video all those years ago, he'd been determined to become the most fabulous and sexy jpop the world had ever seen. He'd come so far since that day, and now Erwin Smith himself was praising him. It was a dream. Eren narrowed his eyebrows. "I only live to serve jpop, Manager Erwin!"
"Good," Erwin said, face flat. "Now we can at last begin." He turned to the projection screen behind him. With the click of a button, a picture popped up. It was a gigantic, animated woman, with blue bunched hair that dropped to her waist, and enormous eyes, and a short, short skirt. She had a microphone in her hands and headphones drawn on her head. Armin shivered at the horrific sight. They all knew her too well. She was the commander in chief of the enemy. Her name was said in whispers. She was the Colossal Miku.
"You are all well aware of the new threat that faces mankind. The human jpop industry is on the verge of going extinct. Boybands are being driven to extinction by these inhuman titans: the vocaloids."
Eren clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. He had a personal vendetta against the vocaloids. Thanks to them, his favourite bands were now relics of the past. What they'd done to his favourite band Arashi... it was unforgivable.
Erwin changed the slide. Now it was a picture of aberrants Rin and Len, looking sweet and innocent as always, demons that they were. Erwin continued. "The vocaloids are perfect idols. They are utterly beautiful and pristine at all times." The next slide was a picture of a massive 3D projection of Kaito in a vocaloid concert. He was five times larger than a normal man - a ten meter class concert. But they were known cases of Colossal Mikus being projected to sizes of at least 60m. "They stand out more much more in a crowd than a human ever could. They can perform without tiring, again and again. The vocaloids have a huge advantage over the humans, as they can give massively impressive concerts with strobe lighting and modern holographic effects. Everyone in Japan loves their songs, which are often accompanied by intriguing stories..."
The next slide was a screen from 'The Madness of Duke Venomania,' a video which Armin had had nightmares about no less than eleven times. Six involved Gakupo and surprise buttsex. The next picture was from 'Judgement of Corruption,' and it just infuriated Eren more. There was no doubt that these were amazingly catchy tunes, with such badass lyrics and backstories.
"Now the entire country is in a craze. There's a minature Colossal Miku in every shop window, a cosplayer on every main street." A picture of twenty schoolgirls wearing Miku wigs. "The young women in the country find Gakupo and Kaito a thousand times more sexy than any normal human." The next picture was yaoi fanart between the two aforementioned vocaloids. Eren crossed his hands over his lap. Connie put a hand over his eyes. Armin looked as closely as he could, wondering how sex worked.
Erwin punched his palm. "These vocaloids are titans of the jpop industry! As of yet, every human pop group who has tried to defeat them in the music charts has been brutally defeated. Just last week, Sexy Zone announced their retirement... and we all remember Arashi's fall from grace several years ago."
Eren's heart was pounding. Those were two of his favourite bands of all time, and the vocaloids had overtaken them without batting an eyelid. He'd cried for a day and a night straight when he found out that Arashi wouldn't be releasing any new music. There was still a hole left in his heart from that fateful time. Erwin kept talking, in a darker tone. "Normal synchronized jpop boybands are going out of date. The kind of bands that Survey Corps is designed to train and produce. They are selling fewer and fewer copies and singles. Band after band is quitting the music industry. Only five out of the current top forty singles are by human performers. If something isn't done soon, human performers will be completely overtaken by the vocaloids! All of you joined Talent School 104 with the hope of becoming Japan's next big star. If we allow the vocaloids to capture the entire music industry, every human jpop singer will be forced to look for another career. You don't know how to do anything else! You could end up on the streets!"
It was true, the recruits knew nothing else besides synchronized dancing, style, and singing in sexy pop voices. Erwin leaned close over the table, glowering at Armin. "Some of you might become cheap prostitutes!" Armin squealed beneath his breath, wriggling under Erwin's stare. "We cannot allow that to happen, can we?"
As one, the recruits from Talent School 104 saluted, hand over heart. "No, sir!" they exclaimed.
"Good," Erwin nodded, with the vaguest hint of a smile. "All is not lost, though. We have one last hope, before the vocaloid titans wipe out all their rival performers. I'm going to put all of the Survey Corps budget on this final desperate and reckless plan. You have all doubtless heard of Japan's foremost mainstream pop competition: SoundTitan!, where all the country's finest boybands and groups come together to compete for fangirls and glory. The first round - round Maria - is set to begin in two months' time. Every major company is allowed one entrant into the competition - the Survey Corps chain of Talent Schools can only put forward one group. This is the year's biggest event, it will undoubtedly be swarming with vocaloids and other artificial singers." Erwin raised one eyebrow slyly. "My plan is to unveil a completely new group, and shock millions watching the event worldwide. A dark horse. Someone the evil vocaloids will never see coming. A sexy boyband more sexy than any boyband ever before!" He pointed to Connie, Jean, Armin and Eren. "The four of you exceptional recruits have been chosen for this crucial operation. You are going to be my dark horse, my new group that goes on to win SoundTitan! and vanquishes all the vocaloids."
Erwin stared off into the distance, through the ceiling and beyond, dreaming of his ultimate vision. "Your group will be called ReCON!KISS, and you will be the ones to put an end to the vocaloids once and for all!"
Eren pumped a fist into the air, blood coursing through his veins, sweat pouring down his brow. "All glory to ReCON!KISS!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs. He was in a frenzy of passion. He would avenge Arashi and Super Junior and Sexy Zone. He would be the one to kill every singe vocaloid! "Talent Manager Erwin, I will fight for humanity in this war, and I will be willing to lay down my life for this cause!"
Jean unfolded his arms, surprised. "That's pretty extreme," he commented.
Eren shot a beam of fire towards him with his eyes. "Jean, if you're not willing to die for jpop, then GTFO!" he pointed an angry finger towards the door.
Erwin clipped Eren across the ear. "You're not required to lay down your life for this cause. The only reason you would die as a pop star would be from a drug overdose, or being trampled to death by fangirls. If you have half a brain, you can avoid those problems. But the devotion is appreciated. The vocaloids have to go down, at any cost."
Erwin changed the slide on the screen. It was an official ReCON!KISS logo, and it was the most beautiful thing Eren had ever seen. It was two crossed bird's wings. One of them was hot pink, the other a vibrant purple. In an intense crimson bubble writing, beneath it, were the words 'ReCON!KISS.' There was a cardboard box underneath the projector screen, and Erwin kicked it open, and fished out green jackets with the same design on them, tossing them to the newly formed boyband. Connie was cheering, Jean grinned, Armin squealed, and Eren was crying a waterfall of manly tears. Mikasa didn't put hers on. She really wished she was somewhere else.
Eren couldn't think how this day could possibly get any better, but it was just about to, in a way he could have never imagined. He zipped up his new jacket, heart swelling with pride. He helped Armin wrench his hair from being stuck in the zipper, and the two of them exchanged an excited glance. Eren couldn't think of anything to say, this was all happening so fast!
Erwin knowingly smiled, seeing the innocence of the new group. They were about to receive a life-changing surprise for the second time this day. He wasn't finished. Not by half. "There's more, it gets better," he told them.
"How could all this possibly get better?" Connie asked. "Yesterday were were just Talent School hopefuls, now we're a whole boyband!"
Erwin shook his head. "I'm sure you'll think differently in a moment" He set to pacing up and down once more. "For you see, you four are not the only ones joining ReCON!KISS. There will be a fifth member, he's on his way now."
Eren wondered who it could possibly be. Was there somebody from another Talent School? 104 was the best, but it was fully plausible. Who did Talent Manager Erwin Smith trust for a mission of such importance? "He's the Survey Corps music company's secret weapon. Recently we got in touch again, and he agreed to be part of this vital project," Erwin told them. "A few years ago, he went to a Talent School much like yours, but he has long since moved on to achieve great fame. He's an old graduate, a prodigy that I supervised myself. He excelled in every field - his voice was unparalleled, his looks more deadly than any of the vocaloids could ever hope to be.
"After graduating, he went on to become Japan's leading jpop artist. His recent album is still leading in the charts, followed by a torrent of fierce competition from the enemy. He is currently what stands in the way of total vocaloid domination. The animated titans - Colossal Miku and Armoured Kaito - are furious he had managed to stay more successful than them, despite their various attacks. I'm sure you've all guessed who I'm talking about. He is Japan's best pop singer - known to the world only as 'Heichou' - and he has agreed to lead ReCON!KISS."
A shiver ran up Eren's spine, and he couldn't stop his face from turning bright red. He wanted to shot out in protest, it couldn't possibly be true! Heichou, THE Heichou! Jesus tap dancing Christ, it was unbelievable!
Although Eren was mostly a fan of boybands when it came to jpop, he'd always reserved a special place in his heart for Heichou. He was, without exaggeration, the most attractive and gorgeous musician ever to pick up a microphone. He had the most intriguing personality, he was never called by his real name. He was a dark, mysterious, figure who always wore a lace cravat. Other men had tried to pull off the cravat, in response to the amount of girls who loved Heichou, and had all failed. It was said that he had more skill than every other jpop artist in Japan out together. He'd endured, while Sexy Zone, ABCZ and all the others fell, through pure talent. Fangirls threw enough underpants onstage while Heichou performed, that he nearly drowned in them. It was known that a few girls had died from nosebleed blood loss during his performances. His single 'Die Flugel der Freiheit' became a worldwide number one, and had been there for nearly half a year. He wasn't Arashi, but Eren still admired him to no end.
Eren had always known his crush on Heichou was pointless, but he couldn't help it. We all have celebrities we would screw in a heartbeat if given the chance. Heichou could kick Tom Hiddleston's ass any day, he was simply that sexy. Eren admittedly had a poster of him up on the wall back in his dorm at Talent School 104. And maybe a T-shirt. And maybe a full sized body pillow that he meticulously hid from Armin.
And now, Heichou was going to be part of their über boyband. Eren would be in ReCON!KISS with him. Was he honestly having a dream? He hoped he wouldn't wake up before Heichou came in. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world. With Heichou on their side, the vocaloids wouldn't stand a chance.
"He's coming, now," Erwin announced, as the handle of the door turned. Mikasa sighed. Armin tried to hold Eren's hand out of nerves, but he batted it away. He didn't want Heichou to think he was already taken. Connie gasped. Jean leant forward. Never had a door opened as slowly as it did that day.
And then Levi walked the fuck in and Eren just fucking stared at him.
He strutted up before the new recruits, examined them all with calculating eyes. He put his hands on his hips aggressively.
'Let me have your babies,' thought Eren. He was six trillion times more handsome in real life than he could ever be in the videos or pictures. And Eren hadn't even heard him sing. He had no idea what to do. He felt like trying to steal a kiss from Heichou, lest he waste the opportunity.
"What's up, bitches?" said Heichou. Eren wanted to be his bitch. That sounded really good about now. His cravat was every bit as frilly as it had been in Eren's dreams. More frilly.
With those cold, shadowy eyes of his, he looked Eren up and down. Eren couldn't have felt more nervous if he was stark naked. Then he had the image of him naked in front of Heichou in his head, and matters just got worse. He was frozen, he couldn't move. He was locked under Heichou's deathly stare.
At last the star came to a verdict. "Your nose is bleeding," he said flatly.
Eren grabbed the edges of the table, until it nearly broke. "NANI?!" he yelled.
And then Heichou sighed as if Eren was an idiot. For a second, Eren thought his heart was broken, and his life ruined.
But then...
But then Heichou leaned forward, and wiped the dripping blood away from his nose with a slender finger. Eren nearly passed out.
Heichou then proceeded to sit on the edge of the long table, crossing his legs, leaning one arm on the wood. He glanced over the five assembled recruits from Talent School 104. "Suppose the lot of us are going to get to know each other well throughout the next few months. The fate of jpop is going to be in our hands. I hope you youngsters understand this kind of responsibility."
Eren didn't want to say anything. He couldn't mess up and spoil this perfect moment. He just watched in awe as Erwin gave them their instructions. "The first round of SoundTitan! Is two months away. Round one is round Maria, the next is Rose, and the final is Sina. Every year the vocaloids have made it into round Sina. If we hope to defeat them, we must aim for the final, and nothing less than the final. But before the first round the lot of you will be very busy. Recording your first album, endless photo shoots, style preparation, you need to be perfect for your grand unveil at SoundTitan! in two months. The lot of you will need to become one team. Work together, eat together, sleep together."
Eren looked up at Heichou and thought that could be very easily arranged.
Erwin clapped his hands once commandingly. "There's no time to waste. The lot of you should go and meet your sound and tech specialist, Hange Zoe. She's the one that will help you write your songs, work on your image, and make sure you're the sexiest damned boyband to ever walk the Earth. Godspeed."
Erwin then performed a formal and sincere salute, one hand behind, one in front.
Thus ReCON!KISS was formed, and senpai noticed Eren Jaeger.
Please leave a review and a favourite! Reviews are what make Levi fabulous!
I have a whole plan for lots more if people like this. I really hope y'all liked it.
Btw, I know that different people call it recon corps and survey corps. Personally I call it, recon, thus their boy band is called ReCON!KISS. (If you've only watched subtitles with the word survey, you might not have got that.)