~Alive~

-Eddie Brock Jr. is tired of pain. He is sick of being sick. All he wants is to feel better…to feel alive again.-

I want it to stop.

Eddie sat down unsteadily on a wooden park bench and closed his eyes. His breathing was loud and labored, and he could feel his dying heart thumping slowly in his chest. A tremor of pain rippled down Eddie's back, and he arched, cringing, as he waited for the pain to stop.

I could end this…I could stop the pain. If…if only I wasn't so afraid. I don't want to die.

Eddie clenched his teeth together tightly as he forced a scream back down his raw throat. Eddie's body began to tremble uncontrollably.

Oh, God! Please make it all stop! Eddie pleaded silently. Please…

Several minutes passed before the pain subsided. Eddie gasped loudly and doubled over as the last of the pain seeped out of his system. Eddie waited a moment before slowly sitting back up. Raising his hand to his forehead, Eddie wiped the cold sweat off his brow.

The sudden bursts of pain were unpredictable and always left him gasping for air. Sometimes the pain lasted a few moments…other times it was hours before he could uncoil his body out of the fetal position he settled in as the pain kicked his body like a cruel master beating a misbehaved dog.

The pain lasted for three hours before Eddie possessed enough energy to crawl out of his bed, stumble unsteadily out the front door of his small apartment, out into the cold winter night and down the block and a half to an empty Central Park.

A few moments passed before the tightness around his lungs eased a little and allowed some of the cool winter air to pass through. Eddie leaned back against the hard wooden backrest of the bench and opened his eyes. Bright, twinkling stars greeted him when he looked up at the dark purple-black sky. The park was quite and empty, not a soul in sight, except for a lone plastic bag fluttering in a circle on the pavement. The bare trees seemed to shiver as a sudden breeze passed through their branches.

Eddie raised his hand to run his fingers through his blonde hair, something he always did whenever he was overwhelmed and everything seemed to be just slipping through his fingers, but all he felt was a soft, thin layer of newly grown hair and the raise of a long scar etched across his scalp.

It was Friday…two nights ago. He had just come back home from an afternoon spent at the hospital. Severe abdominal pain and migraines had brought him to the hospital to see his doctor. The nurse had taken his blood, and after a quick series of tests the doctor ordered for an immediate full-body C.A.T. scan. After an hour of waiting, the doctor had come in with the results, and Eddie knew, from the doctor's grim expression, that the news was not good.

"I'm so sorry, Eddie," the doctor had said, her voice gentle and rehearsed, as if she had the words written down and reserved in the back of her mind, waiting for moments like this. "Your cancer has come back. You've had a relapse."

Eddie watched the doctor's lips move, but he only caught a few of the words she was saying to him.

Medicine is available…to ease your pain…advancing quickly…relapse…6 months at most…relapse…I'm so sorry, Eddie…

He remembered thanking the doctor, (though he did not understand why he should thank the woman who had just crushed all his hopes in a matter of minutes.), and he remembered how he had felt when he'd left the hospital. Numb, and angry.

NO! The one-syllable word rang in Eddie's head like a church bell as he paced around his living room like an agitated caged animal. His foot kicked one of the many newspapers lying around on the apartment floor. The front page story flipped opened and Spider-Man's black and white mask came into view. The large white eyes seemed to watch Eddie almost mockingly as he passed by. Eddie paused in mid-step and bent down, picked up the old newspaper and stared hard at Spider-Man's printed face until the grains of white, gray and black seemed to mesh together and blur out of focus. I bet Spider-Man has never fought a battle as hard as this, Eddie thought bitterly as he threw the newspaper across the room.

No, he didn't deserve this. 4years. He'd fought his cancer four years ago and won. He was going to so start a new job at a different newspaper next week. Anne was starting to call him again.

I'm happy for you, Eddie. I'll always love you…, she had whispered into his ear through the phone when he had told her that he was getting help. He was starting to feel better with every passing day as his life began to gradually fall neatly back into place. But that all changed the moment Eddie saw the doctor's face when she stepped into his exam room…

Eddie blinked and the memory disappeared as a newer, more recent one took its place. Eddie could hear the electrical, buzzing humof the razor ring in his ears, clear as a bell. In his mind's eye, he saw himself, gaunt and angry. Eddie could practically feel the vibrations of the razor from where he was standing, watching as his past self ran the razor's sharp teeth down the middle of his head, right down to his bare scalp. A thin streak of dark red blood flowed down the side of Past Eddie's face and Eddie watched the locks of his golden blonde hair flutter helplessly onto the bathroom sink.

Suddenly, Eddie's vision blurred. When he blinked, a fat, wet tear rolled down his pale white cheeks, erasing the past from his eyes. He was crying hard now. The memory faded completely and more tears filled Eddie's eyes as he raised his hand and rubbed his soft, newly-grown peach fuzz, feeling every raise etched in his scalp from where the razor had cut him that day.

Thanks so much, Shelby for beta reading this! :D