I woke up with my face stained in tears once again. I wiped at my face vigorously trying to make it go away. It's been a week since everything had happened. I haven't left the house and I refused to talk to anyone. To look at my friends is reminder of what was, instead of what is. For the past week I have been dreaming of her, it's like my heart is ripped out every day I wake up from those dreams…because once again I am without her.
I got out of bed and made my way into the bathroom. I stopped to look at myself in the mirror. My once bright blue eyes were now dull, my skin was pale, and I was skinny and had bags under my blood shot eyes. I turned away from the mirror not wanting to see the effect that she had on me. I stripped and got into the shower and let the hot water run over my sore back muscles, all the crying was beginning to take a toll on my body. No matter how much I wanted to stop I couldn't because I no longer had control over my emotions like I used to. When she left, she took everything with her…my soul, my emotions, my love, but most of all she took my heart. I shook my head quickly trying to make all my thoughts of her disappear. I washed my hair and my body and got out of the shower and went to go get clothes out of my closet. I opened the doors and looked at all the shirts that I had, each one of them held a memory. Either from the first time I saw her, to our first kiss, to the day I went and picked up the ring. I shuffled through them all but I just couldn't bring myself to wear any of them. I walked out of my room and knocked on my parents door.
"Hey son. You ready to go school?" My dad asked as he opened the door.
I shook my head slowly, "Can I borrow a shirt?" I asked quietly but it came out raspy as it was the first time I had talked since the funeral.
My dad nodded his head and disappeared but soon reappeared with a plain white shirt and handed it to me. I grabbed in nodding a thanks in his direction and walked back to my room and changing. As soon as I was changed I walked down stairs into the kitchen. I saw my mom cooking breakfast as she turned to look at me.
"Hey honey do you want any breakfast?" she asked happily.
I shook my head no. She frowned and turned back to the stove with a sorrowful expression. I sighed as I walked into the living room to walk out to my car. I stopped as a box on the floor caught my eye, I turned to look at it. It was a box that was filled with all the pictures of me and Gabriella that had been around the house, it was probably the box used when I asked them to take them down. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I walked out of the house and to my car. As I started the car I heard the CD that was playing and took it out seeing it was labeled "Our Songs", the CD my and Gabriella made for each other. I shuffled through the rest of the CDs to find something to listen to but they all held memories so I decided to just drive to school in silence.
As I pulled into my usual parking space I took a deep breath and looked up at the school, the place that held so many memories…the place I had been avoiding for the last week. I grabbed my bag and headed to the entrance where I saw the gang sitting and talking. I walked up slowly, I didn't want them to hate me since I haven't talked to them in a week. As everyone turned to greet me I saw everyone was still grieving the same as me. I gave them a small smile in return, luckily the bell rang before anything could get awkward. I walked through the doors and stopped and starred down the hall. I took a deep breath before I walked down memory lane, as I walked down it people gave me sorrowful looks and pats on the back. I heard people tell me how sorry they were, that they were sorry for my loss and among other things. I shook them all off and walked faster to homeroom, if I didn't hurry I was going to be late. As I rounded the corner getting closer to homeroom the bell rang, I walked a little faster and reached the room. Ms. Darbus looked at me with pity and nodded for me to take my seat. I sat in my new seat, seeing as we had changed seating arrangements two weeks ago. I looked beside me to see the empty desk, Gabriella's desk. I noticed people's eyes were on me but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the desk. I felt Chad put a comforting hand on my back as the tears started to fall. I grabbed my stuff and ran out of the room. I ran blindly through the school letting my feet lead me to where ever they wanted to go. I found myself standing outside the stairwell to me and Gabriella's spot. I heard footsteps coming so I opened the door and walked up the stairs taking a seat on the bench and throwing my bag to the side.
Why did everything have to remind me of her? Why! I put my head in my hands trying to suppress my sobs. After a while I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, I lifted my head to see the gang. I just put my head back down.
"Troy." Taylor whispered. I ignored her. "Troy talk to us!" she pleaded.
"There is nothing to say." I said in a raspy voice.
"Troy we know what you're going through." Chad said.
I shot up and glared at them, "THAT'S JUST IT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, NOBODY DOES! EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING THAT THEY DO, BUT THEY DON'T!" I yelled at them hoarsely.
"We lost her too Troy." Kelsi said through her tears.
"You can't beat yourself up over this." Zeke said.
"You guys don't know what the last thing I said to her was!" I said my voice cracking. " I told her that she ruined everything and that I wanted her to get out. She left because of me, she died because she left, she died because of me." I said the last part in a whisper.
"Troy that's not true!" Jason said sternly.
"YOU DON'T GET IT!" I yelled at them, "I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE TO HER THAT NIGHT, I WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HER, AND NOW BECAUSE OF MY STUPID MOUTH I CAN'T!" I said as I started falling to my knees bawling, finally showing how much I was hurting to my friends. They all came around me and hugged me and we all cried together.
"I can't live without her." I whimpered.
After awhile we all stood up, the bell rang and everyone gave me one last sympathetic smile before they left. Except for Taylor. She came and sat beside me.
"Troy I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I lost my best friend. I know that you loved her Troy and I know that she knew just how much. She's watching over you Troy, she would never truly leave you." She said with tears falling down her cheeks. I nodded my head as the tears started falling once again. "I know you feel bad about the last words you said to her…try writing her a letter telling her everything you want or wanted to say and burn it. Maybe that will help you." She said. She got up and walked to the stairs and looked at me over her shoulder, "I know it did me." and with that she disappeared down the stairs.
I sat there thinking about what Taylor said. I stood up and walked down the stairs and out of the building and got into my car driving home. As I reached the house I walked straight up to my room and grabbed a pen and paper and started writing everything I was feeling and everything I wanted to say to her. Everything was just pouring out of me onto this paper, I cried as I wrote the letter but I kept writing…I wasn't going to let anything stop me. As I finished the letter I took a quick look at it, some of the words were smudged from the tears, but I knew Gabriella would care less. I grabbed the letter and walked into the kitchen walking to the drawer and pulled out a lighter. I walked outside in the back yard. I held up the letter and lit the corner of it. I watched as the fire slowly consumed it. I let the letter go and watched it as I blew in the wind headed up in the sky as if it were going to straight to heaven. As I watched the letter I began to sing…
What do I do now that your gone
No back up plan no second chance
And no one else to blame
Here are the words I couldn't say