This is what happens when I take one throwaway line out of something around 150 episodes and take it entirely out of context. Apparently, my mind is a weird place at times. Warnings include blatant innuendo and swearing, because this is Sister, and she's like that (even if I toned it down a lot because I know pretty much zilch about that sort of thing), and what could be considered a crack-pairing.
… It made sense at the time. For some reason my mind thinks it's cute.
After a while, this kind of strayed from being an on-a-whim crack pairing ficlet into hintings of LopezxSister and more just Lopez complaining about his life. But really, think about it- it sucks and he's a sarcastic bastard that nobody can understand. Why is that awesome?
It's Been Better
There was something entirely unprecedented about a situation like this. Absolutely nowhere –and he did mean nowhere- in the guidebook did it say anything about underage nymphomaniacs. He knew. He checked quite thoroughly.
The first time Lopez had met Sister she had struck him as something of a ditz, but as bad as her Spanish was at least she had known what he was saying, which was more than could be said for most of the rest of the combined Red/Blue army. Still, he wasn't going to be picky, 'sitting' as he was alone and bodyless in a cave that nobody ever goes into. He wasn't going to pal around with Doc again, that's for sure.
It was months before anyone went looking for him, and weeks more after that by the time Sarge had created fully functional body for him. He really hated Red team. One of these days, he was going to run away and hide in the hills and enjoy months of blissful solitude until something broke and someone came to force him to fix it.
He didn't, of course, but he entertained the thought. After all, where was he going to get his mechanical maintenance and motor oil from if he left?
"Hey! You guys wanna come to my sweet rave party?" It was his first contact with someone other than Sarge in over a month –even if that contact was shouted at the top of her lungs from across the field, followed by Sarge's frantic yells about an enemy attack-, he was more then ready to go to some party with someone he barely knew. At least before command started transferring people out he could pretend there was someone intelligent to talk to.
Sarge of course, was absolutely convinced it was a diabolical Blue trap, set to make them believe it was only an innocent party when in actuality was in some way going to destroy them all. Lopez wasn't really sure. He had stopped listening after 'diabolical'.
Life, such as it was, continued in that vein for a while, forming a bizarre status quo where nothing got done and every other night Sister would shriek at them all the way from Blue base that she was having a party, resulting in Sarge going on long boring diatribes about 'those dastardly blues' and Lopez spending the night partying at Sisters. Sarge never noticed. This did not surprise Lopez.
(Sometimes Lopez took the time to reflect on his relationship with Sarge, and once contemplated on his similarities with Simmons in that respect. They both had the same father figure who was an absolute idiot that they both hated, but always did what he said anyways. Lopez was only more vocal about it because nobody understood what he was saying anyways.
Upon realizing that he had similarities with Simmons, he promptly deleted every working memory of the man, having long since deleted all memories *FILE DELETED*)
Eventually Sarge got an (obviously) fake message from 'command', and left to do some mission during which Lopez hoped the geezer would catch a few bullets to the face. He wouldn't count on it killing him though- Lopez was not that lucky.
There were a few blissful weeks of silence after that.
And then it all went pitwise.
And it wasn't Sarge's fault for once! (And why hadn't he deleted all records of that infernal man yet?)
It started slowly enough. He would go to one of her rave's, she would flirt shamelessly while making oblivious remarks about anything and everything, he would go home in the early morning after she had partied herself comatose. They would shoot at each other in the late afternoon (her having just started recovering from a massive hangover), but that was only because the army required a certain number of shots in a day. How command kept track was beyond him, but it was generally useless to argue when it came to this sort of thing.
The strange thing was that his aim had been getting increasingly poor. At first he considered mechanical error, but after thoroughly checking all parts (even the ones that in all reality should have absolutely nothing to do with aim or firing) he concluded that wasn't the problem.
He spent several days with that puzzle before finally realizing it was because he actually didn't want to hit her.
Shortly after that he noticed that she had not lately made an active attempt to hit him either.
(Lopez never really could figure out how he could be so good at deconstructing, solving, and knowing the motivations for everyone else's problems, but be so very, very bad at figuring out his own)
Then one day she showed up on his doorstep.
"So, uh. We're the only people in this canyon."
"Si."
"And, well, you're a guy, and I'm a girl. And since being alone on a planet is kind of like being alone in a locked room together.."
"…."
"I mean, I know you're a robot and all, but I'm sure we can make it work. I know I've made weirder stuff work."
"Si- espera, que?"
Yes- wait, what?
"So are you going to invite me in like a gentleman, or am I going to be standing out here all night?"
Sarge would kill him.
Sarge could kiss his ass.
He stepped aside, and in a simple movement, ushered her inside.
----------------------------- ie/ several months and a couple BSOD's later…
"Well maybe you should be more considerate of my needs!"
"I have been very considerate, you just take everything to extremes."
"Extremes?! I am not extreme you monotonous jacka-"
She was abruptly cut off by the radio.
"Hello? This is Blood Gulch Canyon, Lopez speaking."
"Lopez, it's Sarge! Que paso, what're you doin?"
Lopez would have hung up right then and there if the radio had permitted. Unfortunately, he knew Sarge would just call him right back and blamed it on something else.
"Isn't that Sarge's voice?" Sister asked. He snapped out of his stupor and mimed for her to be quiet.
"Lopez?"
"Uhhh… Sorry, I couldn' t come to the phone. Please leave a message and I'll-" Oh how he did not want to talk to Sarge right now. Or ever. Ever would be nice.
"Ehehehe, Lopez, you old joker, cut it out!"
"…Call you back as soon as I am able." He finished. It had been a decent lie, all things considered.
"Ahah, seriously. Program; disable lying mode, voice verification Bravo Niner."
"COMMAND ACCEPTED." Most of all he really hated how Sarge had backups and overrides for everything. "Okay, what do you want?"
"I need you at the new base on the double."
"Why?"
"We got power. Need your help for building some'in awesome. You busy?" YES!
"Actually, not really-" Sister gave an indignant shriek in the background "I just killed that girl over in Blue Base, so I am all wrapped up here. We won by the way." He might as well be clear. Sarge had been known to become confused over lesser issues.
Sister gave an audible blink at that.
"Great!" There was some chatter to Simmons that Lopez didn't bother listening to. He was already starting to regret this.
"Okay, I guess I can be right there."
"Great, we'll see y' soon. I'll send you some blueprints of what we've been workin' on." Well at least Sarge was giving him that much. He heard Griff groan in the background and then the line was cut.
"What was that all about?"
"I have been ordered to rejoin the Reds."
"Yeah, I got that, but what was all that stuff about killing me?"
"…A ruse to get on his good side and avoid suspicion?"
"Well I'm still here obviously, so what are you going to do about that. You're not actually going to kill me are you?"
"Bang Bang." He had said, his hand forming into the general shape of a gun. There was a moment of silence, before Sister's eyes widened in realization.
"Oh, I get it!" Lopez allowed himself an internal smirk. She got it all right. Meaning that she needed to stay here in order to keep up the ruse. He didn't expect her to keep it up for long, but hopefully it would be long enough.
Hopefully he would have a good cover story by then.
"Oh, and if you see Dex, tell him He still owes me twenty bucks, 'kay?"
Oh damn. He'd forgotten about him.
Even if it was intentionally.
Maybe, if Lopez was lucky, Griff would not tear him to pieces after finding out about Sister's 'death'. If he were really lucky, Griff would not tear him to pieces after finding out he was effectively dating Sister.
Normally, Lopez wouldn't be worried, but he knew that even a lazy prat like Griff could do terrible things if sent into an overprotective craze- and that's not taking into account Church's theory that Griff was actually a genius, just lazy.
… It was probably best to just lay low for a while and come up with a cover story later.
Arriving at the new base he was given the complementary tour (your working station is here. Start fixing stuff), and the usual greeting (Wow, he arrived here fast!).
He sighed as he listened to Grif talk about Sister and a frozen lake. What on earth was he getting himself into? He'd left for two reasons- 1: Space. Obviously being the only two people on a planet was not good for either of their health. Regardless of this, he still planned to return and pick up where they left off when they were both ready. And 2: because Sarge commanded it and Lopez had yet to figure out how to remove that damned enforced loyalty chip (Church overrode it while possessing him, why couldn't he?!).
"Hot Damn, Lopez. Done already? Did you get the-"
"Si."
"Well, what about the-"
"Si."
"And also the-" Dear God he was worse then Sister!
"I am done. That means I did everything." This is was Lopez meant by 'lesser issues'.
"It's over here."
He really should have just stayed home.