FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKEs

EPISODE I: FATHER FEAR SOLID

Written by Christopher Rangel

"Hello", said Liquid Snake, sitting on a chair in an empty room. "Before we get started, I'd like to do a bit of a public service announcement. Every day across America, millions of people are bullied, called terrible names and picked on and shit. If you see any of that shit, you'd better let someone know about it, or I'm gonna fuckin' shank you or something. And if you're one of the people bullying, watch your back, 'cause I'm gonna fucking shank you or something as well. So remember, be good and remember that your words have consequences. Do your best to be good! Now, with that out of the way, go ahead and enjoy the show!

(Four Goodness' Snakes was filmed in front of a live studio audience)

WINCHESTER, NEVADA

Liquid Snake is in the living room, knitting a scarf, when all of a sudden Solid Snake bursts in. He is panting really heavily, his face is scratched up, and there are some tears on his combat suit.

"Brother!" shouted Liquid (audience applause). Solid Snake looked up and waved his hand.

"Liquid", said Solid Snake.

"How did everything go in Las Vegas?" asked Liquid.

"Pretty shit", said Solid Snake. "The Death Emperor got away, and a skyscraper fell on a bunch of babies (audience laughter).

"Oh dear", said Liquid Snake. "Well, I've made some baby pancakes if you want to eat away your sorrows. They are on the stove!"

"Thanks bro", said Solid Snake, and he went to the stove and grabbed the plate of small pancakes. He came back, sticking one in his mouth. "So what's new around here?"

"Well, father is coming over tomorrow", said Liquid Snake.

"Big Boss?!" said Solid Snake.

"That's right", said Liquid Snake. "And Solidus is coming over as well. It was father's idea; he wants us all to celebrate Solidus's success in becoming the President of a porn company!" (See ONE FIST MAN)

"Shit", said Solid Snake. "I wish I could have had some preparation. I'm not ready to see father yet."

"Well, if its any consolation, he won't be entirely able to see you anyways", said Liquid Snake. "One eye and all" (audience laughter).

"That's not really that comforting", said Solid Snake. "Also... am I the only one hearing that laughter?"

"Laughter?"

"Yeah. Like, it sounds like a studio audience or something, like in one of those shitty sitcoms that you enjoy watching."

"Brother", said Liquid, "You're talking crazy right now. Get some Spongecum in your brain or something?" (See WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE) (audience laughter)

"There it is again", said Solid Snake (audience laughter). "Eh, whatever."

"Come, sit down", said Liquid Snake. "We've got sitcoms to watch!"

"Alright", said Solid Snake.

THE NEXT DAY

Liquid Snake poured hot coffee into a coffee cup with a picture of a golden lotus on it, and the word "Lotus" written in fancy cursive beneath that (see RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH). Solid Snake entered the living room with a yawn.

"Are they here yet?" asked Solid Snake.

"Not yet", said Liquid, and then there was a knock on the door. "Oh shit, I guess they're here now! I'll get the door." Liquid Snake opened the door and then into the room stepped Big Boss.

"Evening, sport", said Big Boss, shaking Liquid's hand. He then turned to Solid Snake. "Well, look who's child losing pussy ass decided to show up!" Solid Snake scowled and left the room.

"Take it easy on him, father", said Liquid Snake, "Its been hard on him since Gregory Stapleton... went his own way. You know what its like to watch your children grow apart from you."

Big Boss grunted. "When's the man of honor showing up?"

"He should be here soon", said Liquid Snake. There was a knocking at the door. "Actually, I think he's here now!" He went to open the door and then Solidus Snake stepped into the living room.

"Brother!" shouted Liquid Snake (audience laughter).

"Brother!" shouted Solidus Snake (more audience laughter), and the two brothers engaged in a manly hug. Then Solidus shook Big Boss's hand.

"Where's Solid?", asked Solidus, "I was hoping he'd be here."

"He's here somewhere", said Big Boss. "Probably went to his room to cry, pussy piece of shit that he is."

"Father, you shouldn't say that sort of thing", said Liquid.

"Not my fault that he's a fucking faggot", said Big Boss (audience gasp; also Solidus and Liquid)

"Fuck you, dad!" said Solid Snake, poking his head through a door to the left.

"Hey, you can just keep fucking yourself, bitch!" (audience laughter)

"STOP LAUGHING!" shouted Solid Snake. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY! THIS IS JUST FUCKING OFFENSIVE!" (laughter intensifies) Solid Snake screamed and closed the door; the sound of crying can be heard in the living room.

"See what you do to him?" said Liquid Snake.

"He does it to himself", said Big Boss, taking out and lighting a cigar. "If he doesn't man up, someone's gonna stab him in the back someday." An uncomfortable silence fell over the room; the unique sort of uncomfortable silence that only happens when a politically incorrect older relative says something really offensive. For example, what literally just happened.

"So, we just gonna stand around here with our thumbs up our asses?" asked Big Boss. "I thought we were gonna fucking party!"

"Uh, right", said Liquid Snake. He went over to the CD player and hit Play, and the hit song "Get Schwifty" by Rick and Morty Sanchez started playing. Big Boss started dancing like crazy, but Liquid and Solidus stood right next to each other. Liquid whispered something in Solidus's ear. Solidus nodded and went through the door that Solid Snake disappeared behind.

"Yo, muh boy Solid!" said Solidus. "Holy shit!" Solidus noticed that Solid Snake seemed to be tying a noose. Solid looked up, then sighed, rolled his eyes, and put the half-tied noose down.

"What is it?" asked Solid Snake, "I'm busy here!" Solidus sat on the bed next next to Solid Snake.

"Hey man, what's up?" asked Solidus.

"Nothing", said Solid Snake. "Go away."

"What's that?" asked Solidus, pointing to the rope.

"Its a fuckin' noose", said Solid Snake. "I'mma hang myself in a little bit." Solidus sighed, a tear forming in his eye. He took the rope away from solid and untied the unfinished noose.

"Dude!" said Solid in protest. Solidus looked Solid Snake in the eye.

"Live", said Solidus. "Just... live. You can keep living, words are only words. And you know father; he was born in a different era from us. He can't help the things he says; he doesn't see anything wrong with them. And besides, how often do you see him, anyways?"

"Not often", said Solid Snake.

"See!" said Solidus. "So, what's the point of killing yourself over something unkind that someone you rarely see said."

"Because..." said Solid Snake, "Because its not just today. He's the reason I was a bad father! If he had been kinder to me, to all of us, then maybe Greg wouldn't have gone down the road he went down. Maybe... we could still be family" (audience "ah"s). Solid Snake wiped a tear from his eye. He looked where the camera was (not knowing there was a camera there) and nodded in approval of the audience's reaction.

"Father made mistakes", said Solidus, "But that doesn't mean that you can't do right yourself. Find Gregory Stapleton. Tell him that you love him, that you never forgot that he's your son. I know that he'll forgive you, and perhaps he'll even turn over a new leaf!"

Solid Snake stopped crying, then nodded. "You're right", he said. "I've got to do right. I've got to find Greg. But first, there's something else I got to do." Solid Snake got up and left his bedroom. Solidus nodded in satisfaction and followed him out of the room.

"Well look who's pussy ass decided to show up again!" laughed Big Boss. He was still dancing to "Get Schwifty". Apparently, it was just playing on loop.

"Look, dad", said Solid Snake. Big Boss raised an eyebrow and stopped dancing. "You're an asshole. I don't know why you're an asshole, but you really are, and you were a shitty father as well. You mock me for being a bad parent to Gregory Stapleton, but the entire reason I was a bad parent is because you're the only father figure I've ever had, and you fucking sucked. But its not too late for you. I mean, I'm going to find my son and make up with him. Now, if you'd like to do the same, all three of YOUR sons are right here. If you want to make up with us, do it now or forever hold your peace" (audience applause)

Big Boss was shocked and silent. Then he held out his hand. Solid Snake nodded with a relieved smile, then reached out to shake his hand. As the hands made contact, Big Boss pulled Solid Snake into a hug, then put his face between his neck and shoulder and started to cry.

"I'm so insecure!" sobbed Big Boss. "God, Jesus! I'm so fucking insecure! I'm so sorry that I fucked over all of your childhoods. Its just... the world sees me as the perfect soldier, and I just wanted to see that you guys ended up just like me. I should have just let you all be whoever you wanted to be. I'm so, so sorry!"

"Its alright, dad", said Solid Snake, and he returned the hug (audience "aw"s). Liquid and Solidus smiled at each other, and then joined in on the hug.

"I'll help you find your son", said Big Boss.

"We all will", said Liquid.

"Oh, for goodness' sake, guys", said Solid Snake with tears in his eyes.

"I think you mean... Four Goodness' Snakes", said Liquid Snake. They all laughed.

TO BE CONTINUED

Liquid Snake is sitting in that empty room again. "Wasn't that a good time?! Do you see the effect that words can have now, good and bad?! Well, just in case you didn't, pay close attention to the scene where my brother Solid is confronting my father, Big Boss. If you look closely at my right hand, you'll see that I had my knife ready in case father refused to do right. So remember, if you're gonna bully someone, prepare to get shanked by your's truly! Have a great day, and remember to be kind!"