Reflections: Confessions

I don't quite know how to tell you this.

We've grown so close over the years,

Beyond lovers, beyond friends.

We shared everything – life, soul, heart

As One who is and will be.

I don't quite know how to tell you this,

My love, light in the darkness,

Blinding sun in the place where no shadows dare to fall

And tarnish your beauty. Your pearl-like nails,

Set in those small, delicate hands clasped in prayer to some

Unseen force above us all – dark lashes, thick and full

Framing shining eyes that'd set the moon to shame –

Fiery, life-full eyes, green pools to drown in.

I can lose myself in your eyes if I'm not careful.

You are so beautiful; I don't quite know how to tell you this;

I feel such pain when I look into your eyes; touch your flushed cheeks.

Pale coral is your skin, gathered moonbeams in your smile –

So blindingly pure and innocent, so sweet in intent

And form and thought and deed;

Purge the body in a flash of fire, the finger of God pointing at us

And demanding vengeance.

We have survived such pain, such horror, my love,

I don't quite know how to tell you this.

We have lived through the fire, plunged through the flames and

Walked out triumphant and united;

You and I have fought the universe, fought time itself

For a last grasp of life.

A last chance together.

You have lived with me for nineteen long, long years.

Nineteen years with a child, shining bright.

Nineteen years with death, Destroyer of Worlds, looming forth.

Nineteen years of yearning for a life that can never be, nineteen long years,

A generation in the blink of an eye, lost in the dust.

You stood by my side through the pain of it all,

You helped me with my hurt and anger and betrayal of thought –

So close, so close… I don't quite know how to tell you this.

Is it me? Am I the problem? Inevitability consumes me

And I choke on the words. Your wedding dress is so white, funeral pyre

Blinding suns explode in my eyes. Dark hair tumbling down your shoulders:

Ebony black, Shadow-deep, phantom eyes stare at me and I shiver.

How can I confess what is in my soul?

You have loved me so well, my darling, for all of my life –

I learned to love the dark slender form wrapped around me at night,

Forgot fire-red hair cascading down slim shoulders,

Green eyes – so much like yours, bright and true – shining in the night.

I don't quite know how to tell you this…

Somehow, through these nineteen endless years –

Somehow dark hair grew coarse under my fingers;

Green eyes dimmed and coral flush faded to paper whiteness.

Somehow I myself grew old and grey – lost life and vigour with every step.

Somehow it didn't matter in your eyes – wise love cushioned me

And I was content.

And somehow, I must find the strength to tell you this, darling:

After all these years, after everything we've been through…

I look in your eyes, and I realise a truth that should have lit my soul before–

My darling, I'm so sorry – but…

I don't love you anymore.