64. Quicksand

I know I'm in a big trouble. It'll end up in a mess.

When you walk towards it, it seems so ordinary. But once you're caught, you'll just sink. No matter how hard you try to escape, you're doomed. It'll engulf you, sluggishly, and perhaps painfully. When you hysterically attempt in vain to crawl away, you simply fall faster and embed into it more intricately.

That's how I feel now.

My absurd feeling, no, affection, no that's not precise enough.

My love. My love for L, ardent and lethal.

I'm hopelessly falling. My love for him consuming me.

I never like tragedy. I consider it absurd and somewhat twisted. Yet, I'm indulging in this tale of unrequited love. Phew. It feels like abusing yourself but secretly enjoying. Gosh. How masochistic. Excruciatingly pleasurable, is it? I sneer at myself. You really lose all dignity, Yagami Raito. I fucking deserve this. Allowing myself to be engulfed.

I turn around to face the root of my recent distress. I swallow repeatedly but the knot in my throat will not go away. I thought L would be up by this time. I've lost myself in trance for like fifteen minutes already. It is another demoralising winter morning. The sky is nonetheless still dark. Icy moonlight peers through the window and dimly shines upon L.

L is frighteningly white. Light seems to reflect from him. It is a sight that makes me emotional. Just like the irresolvable heaviness I get in my heart whenever I hear Gluck's Melodie. L and the music are both stunning. They are, similarly, beauties that make people weep.

I withdraw my hand from the blanket covering us. I allow my hand to roam along the contour of L's body. Curling like a foetus, L looks pitiful. The vulnerability of the greatest detective creates ripple in my heart. Somehow each beat of my bruised heart becomes vivid.

L's unruly bangs partially conceal his black-rimmed eyes which are moist. The corner of his eyes glistens. His thumb is in his mouth. I wish I could give him the sense of security he craved. Sucking something may be a temporary replacement. The psychological demand of feeling protected, however, can solely be satisfied when one finds a reliable someone. My heart shrivels at the thought. I almost laugh at my stupidity. L will never return my affection. L does not fall in love.

'Falling in love reduces my deductive ability by 60%,' I can almost hear L's nonchalant voice.

What does he want himself to be? The greatest detective on Earth. An asexual genius without sentiments, well perhaps with little sentiments. Maybe this is the most accurate answer – a brilliantly created robot dedicated solely to justice. But human is human. L still malfunctions and still has emotions, no matter how indifferent he wants himself to be.

Same for me. I sneer at myself again. My armour has been penetrated.

The state of L worries me. He never sleeps three nights in a row, never wakes up after me and never lies down on the bed. Exhaustion has put him to bed. Normally L is a light sleeper. But perhaps not today.

I allow myself to be wayward. I will just sink deeper into the whirl of the catastrophic attraction. His stillness encourages me to do something bold and reckless. My hand tentatively lands on L's face. His skin is soft and lukewarm. The sensation is very pleasant. I caress his cheek with the back of my hand. Sluggishly. Cherishing the satisfaction of being in contact with L's skin. I know what L will accuse me of. Touching his skin like a predator playing with his prey. God knows how many Kira percents I will earn if he catches me now. I cannot explain to him that he's completely wrong about the relationship though. I'm the victim, falling miserably and willingly to his lure. Never mind. Such an opportunity is scarce. Sooner or later, L will release me in disappointment. Of course he will not notice that the feeling is mutual. I can no longer share a bed with him. Never can I be this intimately near to him again.

At this point, I let myself fall. Let the quicksand cover my eyes.

Make me blind. Shed my sense.

I edge closer to the worn out detective. His fragility melts me. I tug away a strand of black hair. And then, ever so tenderly, Yagami Raito plants a chaste kiss on L's forehead. I know I'm playing with fire. Such an overt display of desperation and affection. But the quicksand has gotten hold of the entire me. I close my eyes so that I can remember this scene. How bittersweet I feel. How my lips on his skin feel. How my heart races. Hopelessly fallen, I permit my lips to linger a second too long.

I reluctantly pull away. Better to let my love for this bastard poison me than to let rejection from his lethal lips stone me to death. At least then my twisted affection can live longer.

What a tragic story. Tusk.

I shift my body again so that I'm not facing the person that pushes me into a dark deep chasm. I stare blankly at the ceiling. Gluck's Melodie recurs in my ear. The beauty of a withering rose. Its thorn pricks my heart.

'Raito-kun?' L calls uncertainly while rubbing his eyes.

My heart yelps at L's voice. I refuse to look at him when I am still enjoying the devastation I put myself in.

'Why didn't Raito-kun wake me up? He knows our everyday schedule,' L accuses me flatly.

I snap myself out of the self-indulgence and reply firmly, 'you need to rest, Ryuzaki. You look ill. Are you alright?' the concern I hold for the man is hidden flawlessly, to my relief.

'I'm fine,' L assures nonchalantly, his face expressionless, 'let's get changed and start our day.'

We walk downstairs to the pantry in silence. I glance at the exhausted detective. He staggers reluctantly with his hunched back. His enthusiasm to crack the case is nowhere to be seen. I grab my cereal and sit down at the table. L stares at the fridge stoically. He slowly takes a tiny slice of strawberry cheesecake. Seated opposite to me, L again stares at the sweet treat blankly. At this point, I decide to abandon my pretend disregard.

'Are you sure you feel alright, Ryuzaki?' I enquire casually. The tone is just right.

'Why does Raito-kun keep asking if I am okay?' L asks with suspicion, 'is it because Kira-kun has drugged me and is expecting the effect?'

'Don't call me Kira-kun, Ryuzaki. Kira does not poison –'

L's eyes widens in fake shock and says flatly, 'has Kira-kun already had my name and is manipulating me before my death?'

'You're ridiculous.'

My fist travels towards L's face promptly. I hate it when my infatuation is suspected. But I stop myself just before I hit L's panda eyes. He does not need another injury. I inhale and exhale to regain my composure.

'I was ready to respond with a kick,' L says dully and starts eating his cake.

After breakfast, I work extra diligently. I hope I can shift my attention temporarily away from L. For the entire day, though, he most stares at the screen without typing. I can tell when he is staring blankly and when pensively.

I wish I were more intelligent. Then I can decipher his thoughts. Something must be bothering him. There are, however, no clues to help me solve the mystery. It is very frustrating. The more I want to pull away, the more magnetic he is.

I know it is unwise to keep asking if he is fine since even Matsuda furrows his brows doubtfully. But I can't help it. Numerous times when I was about to repeat the question, I had already held my tongue. But still. I blurt out. A lot.

If L could only glance at me once, I would have shut up.

I shut down my computer and decide that I'll give myself a break. I cannot concentrate when my thoughts keep drifting to that bastard. Usually L will not allow me to retire but I know not today. I stand up and clear my throat, 'Ryuzaki, let's leave it for tomorrow.'

Just as expected. L simply hopped off his chair and headed towards the lift, tugging at my handcuff. Everyone looks at him in astonishment. It's time for me to interfere. I will talk to L after shower and wrestle him out of whatever mess he is in.

I finish my shower as quickly as possible. Fixing L cannot wait.

'Your turn, Ryuzaki.'

L is crouching in the corner of our room, like a kid escaping from the storm. I have to fight every urge to embrace him, caress him or kiss him.

L's gaze finally meets mine. It touches the liquid in my orbs. I inwardly gasp at the ripple he creates. I wish to do the same. But L's orbs are a pool of inky muddy water. Lifeless. As if it has curdled. It resembles quicksand. Moist quicksand. Sucking and engulfing. L seems caught in turmoil. His eyes and the whole of him will be swallowed any time soon. And apparently L gladly embraces the darkness ahead of him. He desires to fall.

This gloomy realisation strikes me and unleashes my potent surge of possessiveness. I shall not permit him to fall. I refuse him the sinful pleasure of decadence.

'Are you alright, Ryuzaki?' I kneel down next to him and possessively grasp his bony shoulders.

L backs away from my touch reflexively, as if his skin burns. But he's cornered. He looks like he is on the brink of tears. No. Don't look at me with those eyes. L attacks me with pitiful doe eyes. I immediately back away from him before I lose myself. I continue to gaze at him. The intensity should make him feel something. I beseech him to just get out of the blues he is enjoying. I merely want him to be alright.

'Raito-kun has repeated the same question 34 times in the past 18 hours. Why is that so?' L replies indifferently, 'I'll go shower now.'

L gets up and shuts the door soundlessly. Listening attentively, I know L is undressing himself. I begin to think of reasons to L's depression. It should not be the case. Oh. B? He did scream B several times in his dreams long time ago.

A wave of nauseous smell creeps into my sensitive nose and throws me out of my trance. The smell is somehow familiar. I keep sniffing.

No.

Horror almost paralyses me. I stand up at once and position myself to kick the door open. If I am wrong, I will gladly accept a dramatic surge in my Kira percentage for sudden outburst of violence.

'I'm breaking in, Ryuzaki,' I yell in hysteria.

My palms and my forehead are sweating. Fear makes my legs feeble. No. Please. Hell. No.

I use all my strength to kick the door. To my utmost fear, I am correct about L.

The broken panda sits against the wall of the bathroom. His body limp, just like mine. Cold water flows relentlessly from the showerhead. And in the same fashion, L's blood. The white t-shirt is taken off, revealing his chest. L's slender arms are covered with scars, fresh and old. For heaven's sake, L is smiling faintly.

The scene drives me up the wall. I cannot tell how I feel. Panic, lament, fury, fear, grief. Everything negative. I am short of breath. Fuzzy. My useless limbs numb. My head too. I may look as pale as L now. I dunno. Another wave of bloody scent breaks my frozen state.

'Don't die L. I'll fetch someone to help us,' I reel off hysterically.

I hurry to the door but the handcuff restricts me. I dare not drag L along.

'There must be a way,' I keep assuring myself.

My phone usually rests in my pocket so I naturally rummage for it.

'Forget it, Raito-kun. I've stolen your phone,' L informs me smilingly.

Fuck you L. I will not let you die.

I rush to L's side and turn his pockets. Empty. Dammit.

'Don't worry, Raito-kun. I keep the security camera on even though no one is currently monitoring. They know you didn't kill me,' L sooths me.

'You've fucking planned this,' I growl, 'fuck you L. Fuck you!'

Ah. I tie L's hand with my belt and hold his severed wrist above his head. Maybe this can slow down the blood loss.

'Help!' I shout desperately, 'help!'

'It's alright,' L chuckles with amusement, 'drop the pretence, Kira-kun. You've wanted this as badly as I have.'

Baka! Why is he still thinking about Kira? I have no time to point out the flaws in his accusation. I will save it for when he is saved.

'I'm not Kira,' I ruffle my hair impatiently, 'there must be someone. Help!'

'It doesn't matter anymore. I'm dying. L Lawliet is dying,' L states softly.

He smiles weakly looking at the scarlet trail on the wall. A satisfied sigh emits from his lips.

'I. WILL. NOT. LET. YOU. DIE. L,' I warn through gritted teeth, 'I refuse to see the person I love die in front of me.'

It is the first time L genuinely reveals his emotions, however subtle it is. Surprise temporarily appears on his white face, but he quickly regains his façade. Contrarily, I am panting and blushing furiously.

'Believe me L. Believe me,' I look at him pleadingly. I know there are tears in my eyes.

'I believe you,' L closes his eyes wearily, 'because I want you to love me.'

Upon hearing this, I cannot stop myself from weeping, 'then please, L. Please live for me.'

'Kiss me, please,' L whispers. His head dangles powerlessly on his shoulder. Our gaze never breaks.

I gently cup L's cheek. I have never been so gentle to anyone. It is a gruesomely inherent tenderness I possess. I tentatively stroke his cheek as if he will shatter under my soft touch. Tickling my face, his breath is lukewarm. This temperature elicits more hot tears from my eyes. A lot of thoughts shuffle through my mind like a kaleidoscope. Mostly are episodes of my short history with L. L pleads me to kiss him. I see it from his longing eyes.

I lean in to close the gap.

My world halts. It feels horribly right to kiss L.

I do not want to contain my desperation but I dare not be forceful with him. He is falling away from me. His breath tickles my face feebly. To my surprise, L is crying too. Droplets dance on my cheeks. I am glad that L responds to my kiss. He is as desperate as I am. He attempts to kiss me firmly but his strength withers quickly.

The kiss is terse but complicated. It feels as if we both pour all the emotions we have concealed for our lives into this brief chaste kiss.

'I'm glad, Raito,' L whispers with a satisfied smile and a less pale face, 'to kiss you before I die.'

'No, please live,' I wail.

Yagami Raito never wails, until now. What will I become if L dies? I probably may fall freely. Quicksand will have me. So will the shinigami. I will slice my wrist, reminiscing the one and only kiss L and I share.

A high-pitched voice forces me out of the swirl, 'Raito –'

My eyes widen with happy surprise. Thank god Misa is here! I have never been so pleased to hear her voice.

'Help Misa! Help!'

Misa's high-heels click rapidly. Seconds later, the door flies open.

'Misa's here,' Misa announces with thrill.

Her beam slips away as she takes in the scene.

'Go fetch Watari!' I shout at Misa, who immediately rushes downstairs.

'You will live L,' I rest my forehead on his. Finally I can breathe.

'Raito,' L murmurs, struggling to open his eyes, 'you really want me to live?'

'Of course baka!' I want to smack his head but did not, 'let me love you.'

L smiles.

Shortly afterwards, Watari and the medical personnel arrive. They swiftly move L to the hospital level of the headquarters. I am not allowed in so Watari unlocks my handcuff.

As I wait outside, questions fill my brain. What makes him commit suicide? L will not succumb easily, a stubborn person like him. And his passion for justice will not allow him to let Kira at large.

Realisation hits me mercilessly.

Tears fall again, only this time more relentlessly.

No. No. Not because of me please.

What if L died?

I shake my head vigorously to shatter the poisonous thoughts. He will live. For sure. Because now he has a reason to.

Pacing up and down outside the ward, I close my eyes to regain my composure. But the view of L's battered arms haunts me. God knows what L has endured. I count myself lucky that I was born in a nice little family. Genius or freak. Just a slight difference. Perhaps L was perceived as a weirdo. Or worse, perhaps he was abused. More tears cascade as scenes of L being bullied, L being disowned and L cutting his arms occupied my mind.

Not anymore, I reassert myself. He will be loved and protected by me. I will save him from the quicksand.

The door of the ward flies open. A doctor walks out and I frantically shake him.

'Is he alive?' I must sound mental but I don't care. This is how far I can go for L.

'He's fine. Let him rest. Keep him feel loved and secure. Usually that's what people with suicidal inclination need.'

I nod fervently. This task is not hard. I'd love to pamper him with my affection.

'Oh and make sure he keeps up with his sugar intake. This is important.'

My jaw is literally on the ground. Seriously?

'You don't know he has a deficiency disease?' the doctor looks at me incredulously.

I shake my head equally incredulously.

'Alright, put it this way. Ryuzaki cannot absorb sugar properly. Therefore, to maintain at a healthy level, his sugar consumption is much higher than normal people.'

I'm enlightened. So because of his recent lack of appetite, his sugar intake is insufficient. Low level of sugar intensifies his latent depression. 'Got it. Thank you sensei.'

After Watari follows the doctor to his office, I push through the door and sit down next to L. The machine indicating his heartbeat beeps steadily. What a soothing sound.

I caress L's still pale face. Suddenly the view of his arms invades me again. I gently roll his sleeves up. I know L will not allow me to look at them when he is sober.

There are wounds of different sizes all over his arms. Some long thick gashes. Some short hasty thin lines. Feeling his scars, I feel as if I have pushed the button controlling my tears. Gosh. I have never cried so much in my life. Heaven knows how much anguish and sorrow L has swallowed. His scars are from different periods. He may have quitted for a while but resumes nonetheless.

A thin line on his left wrist.

I gasp soundlessly. So this is not his first attempt. My heart seizes at the discovery. And there are a lot of fresh wounds on his left upper forearm. The pattern of lines packing together becomes more random recently. I can visualise how he does it without me noticing.

It happens every night when L supposedly takes a shower. He will take off his shirt. Cold water beats his body while he crouches under the showerhead. He takes the razor blade from the otherwise unused shaver. Indulging in the excitement of self-harm, he puts the blade on his white skin. Slit. His eyes shut and his brows furrowed because of the bittersweet sensation. Even during his little entertainment session, however, L has to be self-disciplined. If he lets himself loose, he'll end up savagely cutting himself in whatever direction with whatever force and velocity. And then blood will ooze out ceaselessly. Not that he does not like it. But then the man he has fallen for, the root of his recent agony, his Kira suspect, Yagami Raito, will know his weakness. And that cruel man will poke and squeeze his wounds until blood cascades and he fades. Therefore, L is extremely meticulous. He knows the way to achieve maximum pain with minimum blood. He not only slices himself. He also likes gripping his wounds. There are bruises on his arms.

L Lawliet longs to fall. Quicksand.

I roll his sleeves down and look away from him. It is too much for me. My heart is burning. For the first time in my life, I feel so uncertain and defeated about people. I have the uncanny ability to manipulate people's emotions. But this time I am not confident in mending L. The hole in his heart is so gigantic that the entire of me cannot patch it up.

'Raito-kun –'

I hear the voice that makes me cry. He lives.

'Baka!' I snap waywardly, 'baka!'

My tears fall non-stop. Fortunately I was not facing him. But I suppose I give myself away. My body is trembling, and my voice too. This bastard called L. I weep furiously. I have never felt so scared in my life. And never so hurt. Yagami Raito has been nonchalant for his entire life. But because of one Baka, he is reduced into a mess and cries like a baby.

'Raito –' L calls uncertainly. The spirit in his voice withers, 'I'm sorry.'

I mop away my tears and pull myself together. He should not be the one apologising.

'Please don't do that again,' I kiss L's hand, 'you scare the hell out of me.'

L looks at me apologetically. Damn his innocent gaze.

I cup his cheek and kiss him. L feverishly leans into my palm and responds to my kiss. I can feel them now, his passion and vitality. I grin and deepen the kiss. And gosh. He nibbles my lower lip and I almost moan. I can sense his smirk. What a teaser. I lick his lip and he gladly opens his mouth. He does not resist my dominance and allows me to explore this new territory. He whimpers and pulls away after a while.

L evades direct eye contact with me. His face flusters and he is mortified by his reaction. I beam victoriously. Gosh what an adorable panda. And he's mine.

'Panda-chan.'

He tilts his head and gazes at me curiously.

'I'll get us out of the quicksand.'