Disclaimer:Merlin isn't mine, hell the idea for this isn't mine either.
A/N: So I read Emachinescat's crack!fic Why Do You Hate Me? and thought it hilarious. What follows is my response. If you want to properly understand this, you should probably check it out first. Also thanks to Emachinescat for giving me the green light on this :)
Dear Merlin
I understand your anger and frustration at all the Merlin!whump fics there are out there and I must confess that I, along with a great many Merlin fans, have probably sought out more than my fair share of them.
We don't hate you! We could never hate you! True, we shrink you, maim you, torture you, kidnap you, throw you into ever-worsening situations that could easily be mistaken for intentional attempted murder but that's because we all believe in you and we believe you can beat whatever we throw your way! [resists urge to begin 'I do believe in Merlin' chant]
Besides, admit it! If we wrote fanfics where you only went on trips to get stuff for Gaius or you found a puppy or nothing really happened to throw normality off-kilter you'd spend the entire time convinced that the puppy would end up sprouting ferocious fangs, wicked wings and a taste for Merlin-flesh. That or you'd be bored so stiff you'd be begging, yes that's right begging, for us all to come back and introduce something recognisably interesting if somewhat bordering on potentially homicidal.
It's not fair that you're picked on, not by a long shot, and we all know that, but the reason we love it is there's nothing sweeter than seeing someone actually giving a damn about your welfare. Seeing people *cough*Arthur*cough* becoming wonderfully protective of you while you're in pain/recovering is something we think you deserve and we try to give that to you. Is it our fault that Arthur's so damn arrogant we have to near kill you to before he'll admit he's worried about you?
Short answer: No! Long answer: Hell no!
Now don't get me wrong, we all love to see Arthur throwing mugs at you and your playful banter is both hilarious and endearing but sometimes we just think it unfair that you spend so much time being ignored by certain persons (surely I don't need to specify who now).
You're constantly expected to keep up with all the knights and nobles and the court of Camelot while maintaining your unappreciated position and keeping your mouth shut through all the trouble you witness. Putting you through the wringer makes everyone else sit up and take notice of you and your endless hard work to do what's right.
As for all the different methods, we know that you'll be on your guard if we do the same thing too often. What we do, we do to teach you about yourself and your friends (I'd use my fic as case in point but it's not finished yet so whatever). Yes it's cruel, degrading and sometimes downright outrageous the kind of things you're made to suffer but can you honestly say your life would be any easier without it? I mean, how many creatures/beings/evil sorcerers/would-be Prince assassins have you fought/destroyed/thwarted even without our input?
Have you not been punched, poisoned, pelted with fruit, fired numerous times, attacked by several magical creatures, performed acts of self-sacrifice to ensure the survival of your friends and found yourself accused of sorcery? We're merely telling of further instances to spread word of your brilliance among people who would be otherwise ignorant.
Although, of course it's not always the case… still we love you! ALL of us!
And did you even stop to consider that maybe sometimes we intend Arthur to be the one who suffers but you, being the wonderfully stupid manservant you are, just jump in the way, trying to do what you do best and protect him, and thus getting yourself caught up in the crossfire?
No…? Didn't think so.
With greatest regard, apologies and sympathies
Forever and Always a Fan
-lady-harker-