Distance
By: Kasumi H.
--
When I Reach Out
(Will My Hand Still Reach Yours?)
--
"You worry too much."
The girl, to which the previous words were directed at, was ready to protest when she caught sight of that smile the other displayed. The words that were prepared to be voiced died instantly on her tongue.
"I'll be fine. Really!"
No. No, she wasn't fine. It was a lie and they both knew it.
"Believe me, ne, Fate-chan?"
She wanted to believe. She desperately wanted to believe.
But she couldn't.
How could she when another truth lay bare in front of her? How could she, when she knew that she wasn't fine? That they weren't fine.
Fate remained silent and only nodded in reply.
She had nothing to say. She had nothing that she could say. Because in such a situation, what is to be said? What else could be said?
Things were spiraling out of control. They were caught in a vortex of pain and lies. Two best friends dancing around the truth. Who was it for? For what purpose were the lies woven? To protect themselves? Or to protect each other?
They didn't know.
--
"What's with the sudden question?"
No reply. Thick silence hung in the air.
"…Fate-chan, is something the matter?"
The blonde avoided her gaze as she spoke her answer, "I just wanted to know."
A blatant lie. Or was it? She didn't know anymore.
The girl on the bed obviously didn't believe her. But she replied anyway, "It's just something I've decided."
The words were sincere. Fate could almost believe her. But was that all there was to it?
How much were being hidden in the shadows?
--
They were drifting apart. To the outside world, nothing seems to have changed. Nothing seems to have been affected. They were the way they always had been.
Perhaps it was because they were still smiling.
But Fate knows the way her best friend smiles. Truly smiles.
So she knows that Nanoha wasn't truly smiling anymore.
The knowledge alone scared Fate. Never mind that she was on the receiving end of that smile almost on a daily basis. It made her feel helpless, absolutely powerless. The cheerful white mage was drifting away. Away from her. And there was nothing she could do about it.
--
"Ne, Fate-chan, you're not hiding anything from me, are you?"
She supposed she should've expected it. Though that didn't mean she was prepared for it in the least. Her mind scrambled for things she could say, but Nanoha did not wait for an answer.
"Hayate-chan dropped by earlier. She asked me how you were holding up."
Fate swallowed thickly, not trusting herself to speak at that moment.
Nanoha looked out the window as she continued, "…And I had no idea what she was talking about."
Fate felt cold. So very cold. As her best friend, Nanoha had the right to be the among the first to know. Yet she had planned to keep it a secret from her.
Suddenly, sad blue eyes directed their gaze into frantic burgundy ones.
"You can't even trust me with that information anymore?"
And it struck Fate then.
Just who was drifting away from who?
--
Fate was never good at hiding her emotions. Her eyes would always reveal everything she felt inside.
Nanoha knew this better than anyone.
And she could see it better than anyone.
So she stayed quiet, patiently waiting for an answer she knew would certainly come.
Except it never did.
As luck would have it, their friends had chosen to walk in at that moment, effectively taking both of their immediate focus away. Though that did not mean the previous issue was not hanging at the forefront of their minds.
The two of them were not given another chance to talk privately for the entire night.
Fate did not confront Nanoha the next day either.
--
She had awoken in the middle of the night at the sensing of another presence in her room. Sitting up quickly, her eyes landed on a person standing by the window. Fear quickly subsided at recognition of who it was, but surprise lingered in her.
Her sudden movement caught the other person's attention, generating an expression that was a cross between alarm and sheepishness from the other.
"I-I'm sorry, did I wake you?"
Nanoha's lips twitched. Leave it to her to ask such a question in this type of situation. Her mind cooked up several teasing remarks, but in the end, she chose the most direct approach.
"It doesn't matter as long as you're here…"
And she smiled. A smile that was genuine. One that, without a doubt, came from the bottom of her heart.
Her visitor suddenly found it difficult to reply, too mesmerized by the smile that has not appeared for far too long.
"I'm glad you're here… Fate-chan."
And the only reply she could choke out was, "I'm sorry, Nanoha."
--
"You have nothing to apologize for."
Fate opened her mouth to speak, only to be cut off.
"I was the one being insensitive yesterday. You must have had your reason for not telling me… Yet I reacted in such a negative way. I thought you'd be angry with me, but now you're here…" A pause and then a laugh. "I'm not making sense, am I? I just wanted to let you know, I'm sorry, Fate-chan."
The blonde shook her head. She moved from her position near the window and took Nanoha's hand in hers while sitting down on the bed. It was Fate's way of saying that Nanoha was forgiven.
Neither spoke for a while afterwards. They simply reveled in the silence and the presence of each other.
Though they both knew, this by no means, meant that their problems were solved.
They needed to stop their world of pretense. To admit to each other that things weren't fine. The problem was, if they were to admit it, where would it leave them? What would happen to the both of them, specifically her?
Yet they knew, at the rate they were going, they were going to lose each other. The more they try to pretend, the more distance between them was paved. Maybe it was the effect of running away from the truth.
What was the correct decision? To continue on without touching upon the delicately woven lie and run the risk of losing each other, or to break it and face the cruel and uncertain reality? A reality that could break one of them forever?
--
"…Fate-chan?"
Snapping out of her thoughts, Fate looked up at her best friend's concerned expression.
"Eh?"
"What's wrong? You seemed deep in thought."
"No, I just--" Fate cut herself off. Was she going to lie to her? Again?
"Fate-chan?"
The blonde looked away as she answered, "Yes, I was…thinking about…something."
"…Something that I can't know about?"
How was she going to answer that question? But Fate knew herself. She wasn't one to run away. It was time to make a decision.
"Something that I think you will be angry about if you knew."
"Try me."
A smile tugged at Fate's lips. She expected that reaction from Nanoha. It would seem they weren't as far apart as she had convinced herself.
"I was here that night…"
"Hm?"
"That night…when you cried."
Though Fate only held onto Nanoha's hand, she could feel her friend's body tense. She could sense the denial before it was put into words.
"Don't try to deny. I know what I heard."
Nanoha slumped. A sign of defeat.
"And?"
Fate swallowed before continuing, "It pains me to see you try to hide what you're feeling from the world."
Silence fell upon them, with Fate unsure of what else to say.
"…Tell me something. If I had broken down in front of you, or anyone else for that matter, what would happen then?" Nanoha's voice was soft, so very soft and sad.
What would happen then? These words echoed within Fate's mind.
Nothing. Nothing would happen. Nothing would change because the facts would still remain.
The blonde found herself without an answer to voice aloud. Instead, it was Nanoha who said the words.
"Nothing would change. It'd only cause more pain for others."
"But that doesn't mean--"
Doesn't mean what?
Fate was beginning to become frustrated at the lack of answers and solutions to their current situation.
"You don't understand, Fate-chan."
She knew she didn't understand. It was because she didn't understand that she became like this. It was why she began distancing herself from Nanoha. Because she didn't understand. She was afraid. She didn't know what to do. This realization struck her all at once on the night before, when Nanoha questioned her trust in their friendship.
"Tell me. Tell me so I can understand. Nanoha, I can't stand this anymore."
And Fate hated herself after saying those words. She was being selfish, she was not the one in the most pain, but she simply couldn't stand it anymore.
Silence consumed the both of them for several moments. Fate was about to get up and leave when she felt Nanoha lean forward, gripping the sleeve of her shirt.
"Then get me out of here."
Burgundy eyes widened at the implications behind the words.
"N-Nanoha?"
"Get me out of here," the brunette repeated. "I don't want to be here anymore."
Fate was frozen on the spot, thought processes refusing to work. Nanoha can't be truly suggesting that. But one look into her clear blue eyes told the blonde that this was no joke.
"But—You, I…we're…"
"Fate-chan, please."
Fate swallowed hard, desperately trying to think properly.
"I'm tired, Fate-chan. I'm tired of being here." Nanoha slowly let go of Fate's sleeve and gripped the bed sheets covering her legs, her entire body shaking slightly.
The blonde felt as though her world was spinning. Her heart pounded against her chest painfully. Fate had to close her eyes and take several deep breaths to calm herself. Nanoha's request was a valid one. But it was not one she, Fate T. Harlaown, could carry out.
"…Do you understand now, Fate-chan?"
Upon those words, the blonde snapped to attention.
"You mean…Just now…You were…"
An affirmative nod.
Fate wanted to cry.
An act. It had been all just an act. And through her own reaction, she had proven all the reason why Nanoha could not drop her 'always smiling and cheerful' act.
Because it so hurt much more to receive confirmation that there was nothing anyone could do for Nanoha.
And it was always Nanoha who was shielding the pain away from those who are important to her.
--
"You should head back soon."
Fate nodded numbly as she stood up.
"I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"
Another nod.
A smile. "I'll be waiting then."
And Fate literally dragged herself towards the exit.
But she stopped when she reached the door.
"Nanoha?"
"What is it, Fate-chan?"
"Is there anything…anything…that I can do for you?"
"…You've already done more than enough."
The blonde turned around, "Na-"
Nanoha silenced the other girl with a shake of her head. "You came tonight. You're here. That's all I need."
"But that's-"
"Fate-chan. Trust me. Believe in me."
There was a long pause before Nanoha's soft voice reached Fate's ears again.
"Believe in me… Because if you don't… I don't think I can continue believing in myself."
Fate opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.
Everything became clear at that moment.
Nanoha had been aware all along. She's been facing the truth, battling with the reality all this time. World of pretense? Dancing around the truth? Nanoha has been doing none of that. Alone, she's been braving the storm, putting up a smile. Because she doesn't want others to worry about her. She wants others to believe in her.
She knows her own situation better than anyone else.
She wants others to believe in her so that she can have the strength to believe in herself when all seems hopeless.
There was no drifting on her part. The one who paved distance between her and Fate wasn't Nanoha. Rather, she had been trying to reach out for Fate the entire time.
Fate suddenly hated herself for causing so much trouble, so much unnecessary pain to Nanoha. To them both.
Burgundy eyes travelled from her best friend to the window, through which the star filled sky was visible.
A thought came to her.
The blonde walked over to the window and opened it, letting the cool night breeze in.
"Fate-chan?"
Fate stood by the opened window as she spoke the following words.
"Let's fly."
Nanoha blinked. Once. Twice. "EH!?"
The brunette stared at her best friend, baffled by the previous statement.
Fate walked closer to the bed with an outstretched hand.
"Let's fly. Together."
A moment passed. Blue eyes softened as understanding dawned. Nanoha placed one hand into Fate's outstretched one, accepting the invitation. It wasn't long before tears sprung from those clear blue eyes.
"Let's go."
--
Being by your side.
Believing in you.
If that is all that I can do for you…
Then I will do it without fail.
Because I do believe in you. No matter what. No matter when.
These words were not said aloud by Fate.
But Nanoha heard it clearly anyway.
Thank you, Fate-chan.
And Nanoha's silent thought was loudly transferred when she placed her hand into Fate's.
--Distance END--
Author's Note: And that is that. Confused? Don't worry, that was my intention. I purposely left the issue vague, but I did leave several hints throughout, especially in the latter part of this fic. If you figured out what was going on, congratulations to you. If not, don't wrack your brains too much. There would be no prizes either way. XD Not to mention, it is very unlikely I'll reveal the issue even if you got it right.
This fic was originally only meant to be around 500 words or so and not planned to be posted here. You can all go thank (or blame) En, fellow MSLN writer, and V, fellow lurker, for this over 2000 words version. XD But as for myself, I thank the two of you. XD
Anyway, as confusing as this fic may or may not have been, I sincerely hope it was an enjoyable read.
As always, reviews are HIGHLY appreciated. It will make me very, very happy. So please? –nudges readers toward the review button-
~Kasumi