Fatherhood
A/N: WARNING: Not for Underage Readers.
The building went up in a blaze, and the smell of burning wood and smoke filled his lungs. This boy of three held his head together with his hands, trying to tune out the screaming. His body was shaking as a pair of gruff hands pulled him out of the ash, broken beams, and gathering smoke.
I never wanted to remember that night, but somehow, it always came back to me.
There was nothing in my head, nothing worth scavenging as I stepped inside the school building.
I was a proper, scrawny boy with a uniform I had stolen from the trash. I might as well been deemed an empty shell, walking as I was through these familiar halls.
"Jonathan!" a perky girl with locks of blond hair ran up to me. She was always too eager.
"Hey." I said, "What are you all dolled up for?"
She scoffed.
"What are you talking about?" she said, offended, "This is- you know, how I usually dress."
I shook my head, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"You're such a bad liar." I said, chuckling, "Alright, who is he?"
She scoffed again. Then she laughed a little bit, nervously.
"There's nobody." She said, "Alright?"
I didn't look back at her. I just shook my head.
"If you say so." I said.
Moments of silence passed as we approached the door of our chemistry class. I leaned against the wall, she still standing beside me.
"Did you finish the chem. homework?" She asked me.
I rolled my eyes.
"Please, Gina." I said, "Do you honestly know anyone who will have it done? Come on, its Chissick's class."
She gave a disappointed look. She shook her head, looking away, rolling her eyes.
"Am I the only one who gets chemistry?" she said, frustrated.
The hallway, I noticed, grew completely quiet as a quite pissed off Mr. Chissick stepped down the hallway towards me. He was a slender man in dark clothing, with pale skin, and flat jet black hair that rested on his head.
This endless cycle had to end.
"Good morning, Mr. Chissick." I said nicely, as he passed for the doorway. He stopped, and glared over at me. This glare was a glare I didn't like. He then stepped on into the classroom.
"It's all about the science of material." Mr. Chissick paced as the lecture drained on, "-it's what is in everything you see."
The bell rang, and even when it was over, I could still hear it in my mind- still ringing.
"Read pages seventy-four to eighty-nine!" he yelled out, "Mr. Collins, talk to me after class."
I flopped back to my seat. If he wanted to talk, it was bad- everyone knew that.
"Mr. Collins." Mr. Chissick addressed me as he walked from the back of the room, away from his desk, "You haven't turned in your homework in a week."
"So?" I said, "It's hard."
Mr. Chissick lowered his eyes, he was glaring again.
"Did you ever think of getting help?" he said to me, emphasis on each word.
I gripped at the inside of my pockets.
"I don't need anyone's help." I said, firmly, "I never have."
Mr. Chissick made no response. But about three seconds after the room went quiet again, I felt Mr. Chissick grip my arm, pulling me along.
I fell inside of the old chemist's lab deep inside the older section of the school. It was filled with old chemistry equipment; it smelled like vinegar and acid. My tie had fallen to the ground; I had remembered it was already pretty lose from lunch. As I brought myself from the steal chair, up to see the silhouette in the doorway, I noticed my white shirt was wrinkled and un-tucked.
Mr. Chissick walked from the doorway, and I could now see him as more than a silhouette. His coat fell as he walked carefully and silently across the dusty floor. Every vocal cord I possessed wanted to shout out at him, to put him down, to make him feel like he was nothing. But I didn't know the words to say. I was terrified.
He approached me, and took me by my tainted shirt collar, and slowly slid me up the wall. He gave me that same awful glare.
"You…" Mr. Chissick uttered, "Will do exactly what I tell you to."
My mouth lays there, open, with my eyes glaring back at him.
"Why should I do that?" I exclaimed.
Mr. Chissick threw my body across the room. I fell to the chilly brick floor, my bones aching.
"You…are very stubborn." He said, softly, and chillingly, as he stood above me, "You have no idea what the real world is like." I froze. I knew the reality of the real world better than most. I wanted to lock it away, and never see it again.
"And what if I don't want to know?" I shot back.
He stepped to the ground, on his knees, very much at my eye level.
"That's- never an option." He said, as he leaned towards me, his fingers slipping through the waistband of my slacks. The belt clanked to the brick floor, and then, I was bare-bottomed on the brick.
His long slender hands were at my shoulders. The only sound I heard was the light humming of the air conditioner. He came, came, and came at me, then intensity ceased.
I didn't sleep that night. I had remembered that as I walked up beside the bright red lockers, seeing Gina.
"Where were you yesterday?" Gina asked, looking at my puzzled look, "Remember- we were going to meet after school."
"Um-" I stopped, "-I was-uh, caught up."
Gina tilted her head, a bit concerned. She looked disappointed.
"What's more important than meeting your best friend after school?" Gina asked, firmly.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. We started to walk side by side down the hallway.
"It's really complex-" I said, vaguely.
"Well, you know- I am kind of a smart person, so I could probably- you know, figure it out." Gina said.
A moment of silence passed. I needed some leverage.
"Wait-did you give Ryan a blowjob after school?" I shot at her.
Her face flushed.
"Jonathan!" Gina exclaimed, "Don't try to change the subject."
I scoffed.
"Seriously, Gina." I said, "Did you?"
Gina scoffed, and perked her neck out.
"Um- no!" Gina exclaimed, "Ryan is an ass, why would I do him a favor like that?"
I chuckled.
"Come on, Gina." I pulled at her arm, "If it wasn't Ryan it had to be-"
We both stopped walking.
"You…" I laughed, "It wasn't Ryan, it was- oh my God, you didn't- you blew Dallas?"
Gina's mouth fell wide open. She pushed me to the side of the hallway.
"Jonathan!" She snapped at me, "How the hell did you figure that out?"
I rolled my eyes.
"Obvious clues." I said, "You were all dolled up yesterday morning. And I know a crush when I see one."
Gina crossed her arms.
"I might have walked past the consular's office when you and him were hanging in there." I said, "You were blushing like no tomorrow."
"My God- how did he get you to blow him?" I asked, chuckling, "You're like completely innocent."
Gina gritted her teeth.
"Jonathan!" She pushed me again, "Okay, look. We were walking around the backside of the school after Gym. He said a few flattering things and it- well, kind of just- um, happened…"
I looked slightly un-phased.
"Oh my God Gina." I said in monotone, "Way to get your man."
Gina punched me in the arm. The pain remained for several moments afterwards.
"Shut up, Jonathan." She said, as she rolled her eyes, and walked down the hallway.
I had gotten used to the smell of acid and the feeling of bricks. The small room beneath the ground, the small room full of wear and age was a place I naturally began to see. I never could look at his face when he came at me- and I could hardly look him in the eyes anywhere else. He was more like a machine, the way he worked at me; I never could since a hint of care in his movement. This time I could feel my front pressed massively against a brick wall. I couldn't do anything but stand there, twitching and grunting- at least until he grew tired.
Chemistry class seemed to get emptier and emptier as the days progressed. I was sitting at a front seat, across the way from Gina. I glanced over at her, and she shot me a smile. I diverted my eyes back to Mr. Chissick. I still wasn't used to it. Seeing him in that brick room, and then seeing him in here. It made me kind of crazy, to tell the truth.
"Mr. Collins." I perked my head up, seeing Mr. Chissick looking directly at me, "Since you are failing this class, I would advise you to pay attention. Take notes, perhaps." Each word he uttered was a chilling mock directed at me.
I cleared my throat.
"Um- yes." I turned down and grabbed my notebook, and opened it up on my desk.
Mr. Chissick walked directly up to my desk, and leaned forward across it menacingly.
"That's better." He said, firmly.
Then, he backed away, and walked, pacing, towards the back of the room. My eyes followed him, and then swung back to the front of the room. I finally let out a breath, and could honestly say I could breathe easy. I glanced over at Gina, who shot me a confused look. I sighed. This was going to be bad.
I sat across from Gina in the lunch room the next day.
"Jonathan." Gina said firmly, "What did you do to piss him off?"
I slowly shook my head.
"I didn't do anything." I said, shrugging and laughing nervously, "Nothing, I swear."
Gina didn't move a muscle.
"Bullshit." She said, "He's really fucking pissed off."
I scoffed.
"Gina- what makes you think I would know what the fuck his problem is?" I shot at her.
Gina leaned forward.
"One." She started, "The way you're reacting, and two- he picks on you all the time. You must have done something."
I shook my head.
"I didn't." I firmly said, "That's what you have to understand. There are just some things you just- you can't know."
Gina turned her head suspiciously at me.
"So you did do something." She concluded, "Jonathan, you need to tell me. If you don't, I'm going to figure it out, okay? And when you learn something through someone else- it's never good."
I sighed, and after a moment of silence, I spilled.
"Fine." I said, "But I can't tell you here."
Gina threw herself backwards, shocked.
"Oh my God, Jonathan." Gina said, "Did you kill somebody or something- cause you are acting- oh my God- alright, let's just go."
Gina followed me to the field behind the school. It was immensely green and flat. She plopped on the grassy ground. She looked up at me.
"Alright, sit." She urged me, "I'm dying to know what this is about."
"Look." I said, as I sat across from Gina in the grass, "No one understands Mr. Chissick. The way he acts is irrational."
Gina slowly nodded.
"Right…" she said.
"You see- there's this room." I said.
Gina's eyes widen.
"Oh my God- full of dead bodies?" Gina jumped.
I raised my hands.
"No, Gina- no." I said, "This room- it has a different function."
Gina leaned back again, and relaxed, as she waited.
"You're really gonna make me say it?" I said.
Gina was thoughtless. I sighed.
"Mr. Chissick- he's uh- fucking me." I said.
As soon as those words escaped my lips Gina shot up, and stood above me on the grass.
"I can't even- I can't even wrap my mind around that, Jonathan." Gina said, frustrated, "How the hell did this happen? And I mean- you're letting him do this?"
I didn't speak for the rest of the day.
I had that dream again. The dream of the roaring fire, the screaming- it shatters my ears at every moment I am present. I see my mother, a plump woman- then her smiling face. I can't see her anymore, just the constant screaming and the smell of burning flesh. Then my frail body is snatched back- and it isn't the friendly fireman I see. It's him, his face, and his smell.
I hate those lonely days in the hallway, standing by Gina's locker when she wasn't there. There was a spark in my eye like I was lost, like I was the new kid. The people walking all around me seemed to move as blurry images, whishing back and forth, just all around me. I looked down at my phone, a new text.
Report it.
I had to do what she told me to.
The next morning I found myself in the detective's office. I watched the detective walk in; he was a tall African American man who seemed very confident and sturdy, yet intimidating.
"Benjamin, right?" he sat down, looking at me.
"Yeah." I said, looking down at my hands.
"I'm Fin." He said, "What's the problem, man?"
I held my hand still so it would stop trembling.
"Um..." I said, "I felt like I needed to come because-"
"Look, son- I want to help you." He said, "But you have to tell me what is going on."
I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets.
"Mr. Chissick- the Chemistry teacher at Wayne High-" I stopped.
Fin nodded.
"I know the place." He said, "What's been going on, son?"
"He was angry at me because I wasn't doing my work." I said, finally, "and I mean, come on, that stuff is hard."
Fin nodded.
"But-um, he took me to the old chemist's lab under the school." I said, speaking my words slowly, my voice shaking.
"Benjamin." Fin's voice lowered, "Did he rape you?"
I couldn't look at him.
"Yes." I said, my voice shaking.