Getting lost in the trees – the Black Forest seemed to go on like an endless tunnel with a light at the end of it. The only reassurance I had was my friend and companion Pocky, a brown and black feline of the Siamese verity. Thanks to the misplaced cat, I found a small village. To return my spirits with a little "spirits", "I entered the closest bars, The Slopped Sickle. It suited my humor, since I usually go about in a death-like cowl but in blue. My eyes scanned the area seeing the regulars and the people that stuck out. It was quite easy to spot a 5'6" male in animal furs - like camouflage of a very rancid fighter or a woodsy ranger. He had pupil-less eyes that were blue or green or both. If it was not his eyes, it was his baldhead and long ears - an elf as if I ever saw one!

He was in fist-a-cuffs with a monster, whom I later leaned was an orc. It seems very clear who would win, but the orc lost! Baldy stumbled off finished with the fight over a sick, he went to a bard – whose song of heroism let me give her a silver coin.

I nodded knowing that stick had to be magickal, "It is something you do not see every day, right Pocky?"

I took a step back, running into a person.

"My name is Dice, not pocky."

I turned my head to look back to discover that the plump and squishy feeling behind me belonged to a very well built woman. She was 4'2" with black hair, blue-purple eyes. She was dressed; if one could call that dressed, in tan leather barely covering her. All she would need would be a whip and a black cap to pull the S & M thing off.

Blushing, I pointed at my cat, "Um-mm-err…I was talking to her."

"It's soo cute," she leaned over giving a view.

I turned round fully, hesitantly holding my hand out, "Tim Rameur of Bardsey Isle."

"Dice," she paused to ask, "Why are you dressed like that?"

I was to busy happily smiling, thinking unholy thoughts of her – a whip, a rope, and several animals…Not getting a reply, Dice went off to other parts of the bar scene threatening cutely but menacingly that if anyone tired to make a pass at her, she would send them to place infernal. I went over to listen in on the bard and the rancid male, out of pure curiosity. What I got out of it was the orcs of a certain band wiped-out his people and that the fist-fight over a stick involved this "blood debt."

"A real vindictive streak to you," I self inserted into their conversation, happily introducing myself.

The bard – a 5'4" woman with blue eyes and pink hair – introduced herself, "Tofeena," and gestured to her counter-part as Ota. Saying she was gaudily dressed would be the under statement of the decade. She smiled seeing how I was attired, she asked, "Are you TIM the Enchanter – then what is the flight velocity of an unlaiden swallow?"

I decided to avoid the question – going onto something completely different – saying that I would be interested in helping them. Tofeena offered a pittance up-front and a share in anything "found or liberated from their previous owners."

Dice cheerfully smiled, "I have nothing else better to do."

I on the other hand muttered, "It should make my uncle happy."

Tofeena proposed to rest up and start in the morning. Petting "my cute, adorable little Pocky" I went to bed thinking of the laundry list of my uncle: he was a player collecting girlfriends like collector cards - how else do I have twenty or so cousins, he is a very powerful man – only my father matched him, and a decadent person – be he is weighed down with the gifts of his power being too great for one man and knowing too much about the future, "Some gifts are the greatest burden."

The next day, after a scream in the night by Ota thinking someone would come, steal his stick, and him end up in a tender loving embrace of a corpse. Pocky was still sleeping, so it was very difficult to remove the feline from its warm place – atop my chest and neck. Tofeena and Ota looked like Hell – or a place near by. Ota clueless asked who we were, probably feeling the effects of the booze he drank. We, meaning Dice and I, re introduced ourselves.

"Cannon fodder," Tofeena whispered to him out loud so that we could clearly hear it, making me wonders about their relationship. I concluded that they were not "involved", and if they did, he would be in the submissive role. She paid us each a gold coin, I without a scale figured against holding one of my own; it weighed less than 4.22 grams. It did not help the coins I had were 97 percent pure gold and 3 percent platinum. I decided to not bring it up; I know she would not degrade into clipping – cutting off the edges of a coin to cheat on pieces of things bought and keeping the edges to later be melted down into new gold. Of course it could be that the local authorities have devalued the currency with a little base metal - like iron, copper, tin, etal.

Into the forest we went. I stood in the strategic middle knowing with my constitution, that my cat attacking me could kill me. Ota, being suited to the woods went ahead. He came across a war pony with its reigns cut. It reared up, lowered its head and entered a fighting stance. Without care, Ota drew his sword and stuck the pony dead. He felt so bad, and the comments of poor thing did not help. Then he started to act like nothing happen and started to butcher the horse as Tofeena retched. Pocky was disgusted and interested in the fresh raw meat, I wretched too.

"Over-reacting much?"

"It tried to attack me," Ota offered a piece of meat coping a feel of Dice – she punched him in the face, "My mistake."

"Bad elf, bad, bad elf," Tofeena scolded making me cower as a little girl ran up.

She asked where Buttercup was then screamed in horror of her pet being dead. She proceeded to guilt-trip him into bringing her pet back or else. He promised he would, taking part of the horse's hair – probably to wear as a necklace. Pocky thinks I am with some truly strange people. Tofeena to tease him composes a funeral dirge over the horse.

Night came; unfortunately, I took the first watch wishing I could stay up later and watch the stars. While I was sleeping a voice came from a rock near Tofeena, "Get your foot of! What do you think you're doing standing on my rock?"

She quickly removed her foot, "Sorry."

The voice asked, "Seen my eye anywhere? It's green."

Ota insulted looking into his sack, "All I got is blue and brown."

"See it? Let me, Zahra; know at my rock," the voice paused, "Was I going to eat you?"

"No," the bard said quickly.

"Okay, good night."

The rest of the night went uneventfully – despite the later knowledge of a coven of hags in the area. At a meager breakfast of moldy bread and beer, Tofeena was starting to compose an epic about Ota slaying the pony, "I don't blame you; I record heroic deeds."

"What I love about humans," I giggled very amused, "Their sarcasm."

We set out, halfway between breakfast and lunch; Ota sees a rustle in a bush. A doggish tail stuck out of it. Ota whistled at it, Tofeena swore she is seeing a bi-pedal dog, which unnerved Pocky. I gave a smile, "Dirmyg Omush-on-Imak Iustig," out from my hand came a spray of artic cold striking its tail. Up jumped barking a greenish bipedal dog-like hyena.

"Fetch!"

Tofeena tossed a stick into the trees; the thing – a gnoll – instinctively ran after it. Pocky looked at me saying without speech – that is typical of canines and it looked like work. I just maliciously giggled. We continued on, the rest of the day uneventfully passed into night, well after dinner. I DO have my priorities – a man called Frederick the Great would quip, "An army marches on its stomach."

During my watch while playing Pocky's favorite game – give her a ball of wool and later cute her free of her bounds – I heard some rustling near Ota. I blew my signal whistle waking him. He orders the trees to stop, taking out his stick. The gnoll had returned, it looked at the stick and growls. I blew the signal whistle again. Waking out of the only tent the bard quips, "He wants to play – he wants your stick."

"How kuute – can we keep him," Dice asked.

Ota thinks about it, still under his guilt-trip, was attacked. It missed. He tries a magic spell – it fails to activate, "Shet! Guess I havta kill it!"

"Oh come on, just throw it!"

Ota, "the stick bearer", tosses a secondary stick into the wilds – the gnoll went after it.

"He must've drunk the water."

"Note to myself, water skin," I muttered.

The next day we strategized on how to enter the camp of the orcs – i.e. - marched down into the camp and surrendered. Ota somehow, beyond my mind offered up Dice and me. Pocky was suddenly sad – she would really miss her feedings. Kitty, being her usual self – she thinks the whole universe revolves around her -. The bard through a series of insults proceeds to get us an audience in the center area of the camp -- a feasting hall of some sort. It looked like a pigsty and smelled twice as bad. Their leader, the big one on the large chair identified the stick Ota was carrying. Ota explained that he got it back in a duel noting some antlers on the wall belonging to his people. The leader claimed them as spoils of war and that the local human baron / shire-reeve paid him to do it. Ota claimed the horns as his. The leader demanded, "They fought well, you may have it back. All they have tattoos, where you have tattoos."

Ota de-pants himself revealing a tattoo on his ass. In addition, not that I was looking, he was not that "endowed" – with Dice's proportions as a mark, she was "endowed."

"I think I am going to be unwell."

The leader then offered up some of his women to us.

"I am NOT going to wretch," Tofeena cringed as Ota took a half-hour to think about it, "I am not going to wretch."

"Never mind," I promptly said, "Engaged."

Tofeena later teased Ota, "A long time to consider that…"

"Orc fetish," Dice added.

On the way back we learned with a little bardic knowledge that the antlers were some sylvan scimitars – that changes the bearer into a stag on the full moon and some other magical stuff that did not interst me. Ota plans to assassinate the local baron.

"There is no reason to do that. How are you going to prove it?"

"I worship the saint of justice – we torcher him in the night. We sent you up as a lady of the night and…"

"I am an orator –not an actress or an assassin."

"We're soo dead."

Night falls. On the first watch, I heard some snuffling sounds. I load my crossbow and blow the whistle justifying, "Hey, I'm paranoid – but not stupid."

It only was some badgers; Ota throws it some scraps dubbing them – Badgie and Tanuki.

The next morning, during breakfast, some gulls came out of the brush. Ota again throws a stick – this time not buying it. They attack Ota; he tries to defend but misses. Dice sneaks behind one of the two knolls and hits it with her rapier. The gnoll trice to hit back and misses. Tofeena touches / hits Ota over the head and somehow he feels better – probably a cure spell of some sort. I with my crossbow shot the already injured gnoll. The gnoll misses Ota again, Dice kills it. Tofeena curses and tries to hit the remaining gnoll and misses so did Ota.

I chanted, " Istig Edmyg Elssim," or something to that effect in a chant to create a missile of magical energy darts from my fingers to hit the gnoll. In response to my damage the gnoll hits Ota hard dodges Dices attack. Tofeena smartly cures Ota with her arts as I again chant, "Istig Edmyg Elssim," striking again. This makes the gnoll to take it on the run, giving unsportsmanlike conduct on the others by attacking him while he runs away. Then after he is dead, we start looting the corpses – battle ages, shields, scale mail, 800 silver coins, and a mighty composite longbow. I was given 200 silver and the bow was forced onto me.

Night went uneventfully, day came. Pocky's ears perked hearing something – something like bees. Then we sighted giant mosquitoes – they were the size of my foot! Ewww. The first one stings Dice and the second one Tofeena. Ota manages to slice out of the air the third. But third that he missed stings him. Dice cuts off hers, Tofeena cut off hers – splat.

I chant, "Istig Edmyg Elssim," a missile of magical energy darts from my fingers to hit the thing on Dice who was draining her of blood. Ota gain misses; it hit him in a hard place to get and was draining him of blood.

"I have it," Dice splats hers. Tofeena sings to hit, I was confused as Ota crits almost slicing his neck off – giving himself a shave in the process.

"We better make sure that someone does not take the blood and clone us."

"We destroy them well, as I comment, "My uncle would kill me if it happened to me…"

"What do you have against your uncle – you should see my family," Dice commented.

I just smiled thinking to myself, "You are lucky not to know him. He and my late father, who died under "mysterious circumstances", were rivals / lovers. They both competed in everything, including the love of my mother. Now stuck in a possible Hamlet position, I decided to leave house and home – also the possibility of being married off to one of his "girlfriends / wives" was not in my list of things to do."

To cut the tail off the preverbal fox, I stupidly found the others kidnapping some half-orc and myself framed with the baron's murder, right after having Ota take back the bow that he gave me.

Nothing of real note happened on the road south other than two others joined our number…

Us fighting some wild boars – made some nice bacon from them - and me retching at Ota roasting some giant centipede that attacked us and eating it like a lobster ...

Thanks to some bad luck, took a wrong turn I think – a 6'2" half-orc named Th"ug, who I do suspect is plotting something with the wizard half-orc woman we kidnapped from the late baron's house though I think it might be true that Ota has an orc fetish, with gray skin and gray eyes wearing a chain shirt, an empty pouch, and a kilt like he was pretending to be a Scot …

The other, to my amusement, was a male elf named Francine. This elf, with his feminine name, seems perfect for but of many jokes and ergo is the master swordsmen with a very short fuse.

In several villages on the way to the capital city of the empire the bard, Tofee, managed to cash-out the stuff we "liberated" from the baron's house.

With my share, although technically I never had to worry about money – my father was quite wealthy ... he left my mother a nice little house, another wards a large tower, and a pile of money and stuff that sits locked up, I do not have the key and am never able to get it – since my father caste some sort of never breakable ward on the room so that ONLY he or his brother may enter, that is said to rival some dragon's hoards... I accepted it anyway since I rather use the money I earn personally than use "family money" - I made several purchases… firstly a magical sack that allows one to carry 1'000 pounds or 150 cubic feet of stuff in volume, a secondary "special" magic bag...just to annoy Pocky... and a horse. I decided on how annoyed the look on Pocky's cute little face seeing the horse, in the cat's mind I am her property and I should not belong to any other animal, to omit telling it about the secondary bag.

In a different city, I also got rid of a magical cloak studded with moonstones – at the time I took it from the baron, I claimed I loved moonstones – and then I remembered something about magical items… they can be scryed on…I did this apart from the group, so that they could not buy it either, I sold it only claiming, "One person scrying on me is enough…"

I later the same day discovered in my bed a letter

"My cute little nephew, my cute little relative.

Do not be so wary. I am not scrying on you, well not at the moment. I do have other things to do in life – I have duties that must be preformed so that everything falls in their proper place, everything happens for a reason, you should know that – "If something happens in Asia, there is usually a fox behind it…"

I did find it confusing and amusing that you were impishly using the forename Tim - the same name of your son, not-yet-born.

Do not be so paranoid, do not hate me, I do care for you and your mother too much to let you come to harm.

You should be free to be yourself, whoever which may be.

However, I do have some advice, continue studying your magick, be more interactive with your companions, and show more of a backbone – how else will your fiancé respect you. Your fiancé? She is named…"

I quickly tore up the letter taking the advice to note and went down into the inn's bar to get drunk. In the bar I noticed two very short people with very long ears, I asked the barkeep who they were. The barkeep identified them as two Halflings who recently came into some money; it seemed until now they had not paid their rent. I gave him a copper as a tip atop my bill – room and board; fish, for Pocky; Cornish hen or some other under-developed poultry product, it was over-cooked but okay; wine, which tasted like mouthwash watered down with WD-40; cheese, a little moldy but tasteful if one likes to eat mold.

Then it struck me strange, I remembered a story from one of the towns we were passing through that the local priest on his "day off" – which I did find insulting… there is a little law in my chaotic moods … since when you enter any carrier one should be up to the duties 24-7-366 days a year … one great benefit to having sorcery as a carrier you can change yourself at the drop of a hat with a pigeons and the sleeves full of rabbits or is it the other way around … the priest went out drinking, according to some a mortal sin, with some of the common people and entered a game of chance, according to some another mortal sin, and lost almost everything on a rigged game.

Marking cards, loading dice – that is a fly in my ointment … I may not always tell the truth, honor tradition, respect those in authority, and be reliable … but that … I am going to teach those two a lesson in my way the universe works … let me see, use some pickpocket skill and place the secondary "special" bag on the two Halflings and then claim they stole it framing them … challenge them to a game of chance and cheat them … it would serve them right… into selling themselves into slavery to me … Or something else … There are so many interesting possibilities, without ever killing them …And if I was a more powerful in my sorcery, all I have to do is point and think, "polymorph them into a rats," and then let Pocky have a little fun but not kill them … Since I am not … I must work with what I have … Let me see – sword and crossbow, let them cut me down and possibly get arrested; my magic, too weak all I could do is give them the same damage as an arrow in the crotch; ergo, that leaves my special little bag … which I bought to annoy my cat, she is so much fun to tease, giggle … from the bag I can pull five types of animals – a Bat, I could pass them off as a couple of vampires or want-to-be vampires; a Rat, Pocky will eat it; a Cat, I do not want to even know what my familiar will do if it sees another cat that I own; Weasel, either it will be eaten by my familiar or be very annoying to them; or badger, now that has some possibilities ... specially when my "companions" are being followed by a cite of badgers because we fed them and keep feeding them...

Unfortunately, since I was drunk - I had a reason to! I pulled out of nowhere a weasel and tossed it at the halflings. They thought it was a magic trick and asked for some more, "Do you do parties?"

"Yes, follow me," so I invited them into the ally and tried to strike them with my sword. they laughed at me and gave e a gold piece, I stumbled off back to my room and collapsed - I rather not end up like Francine, found in a pool of his own vomit and urine - I think the inn might be changing its name to Puddle o' Vomit because of him. Meanwhile the bard with a little help from the thief finds one of the people responsible for the baron's murder and convinces the orc mage that her friend whose name I do not remember was responsible - they also learn from the cohort that the murderer is traveling with a golden cage with a mechanical bird.

Morning comes; Francine goes to takes a bath after being insulted by Ota and the bard. But when he finds me with a hangover… He, Ota was disgusted, despite my protests of having a reason.

The Bard says they should catch up with the murderer in a couple days telling of the object, thinking it was something like the Maltese Falcon I claimed it as mine. Before we set out the bard identifies two Halflings, the same ones I tried to kill as some thieves who pissed off the local knight. I decide to not be involved despite her song as they tried to kill the two -- "Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! It stole Ota's purse! Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! That must've hurt! Kill the halfling! Chase the halfling! Chase the halfling! It absconded... Fucking halflings."

The innkeeper objects, the Halfling's money paid him off. We set out. The day went uneventfully except during the night. That nightfall, I see a child come up to the fire with very big eyes... it conned me into believing the fled Halfling was a poor orphan. I offer him some food and drink. He thanked me, then I realized after he left that I gave him all the "lobster," the centipede. When I realized who I gave that food away to, I was quite proud of myself that I got rid of the "lobster" but still had other food that Ota killed and cooked - he designated himself the group's chef.

To the bard's other song, at Ota's expense, "Smelly elf! Smelly elf. What are you eating now? Smelly elf. Smelly elf! This is all your fault," we see a city in flames. Through a roundabout way we discover the murderer with the birdcage, the bird cage is responsible for it - causing a riot. I thought to myself of the fun I could have with it in "the eternal city"... Which was near by. We ride out full tilt to the imperial city, driven basically totally insane by the birdcage, it was cursed!

Ota was very objectionable, he was ready to kill over that birdcage – completely irrational – killing over material things, to me being left to having it; he is no fun even with my high will power. He only saw "the eternal city" in flames; ergo, the Empire collapse. I tried to justify later after he gave it to some saint - who took it to heaven, that the fun part would have been the orgy prior to the fall of a corrupt empire. During the hand off to the saint, I was not present at it - needed my sleep - the bard was conned into taking this cute little boy in priest's robes to several other holy sites in the world. Getting rid of the two orcs, I decide to go along, one because I did not want Ota corrupting this innocent boy; and two because I had nothing better to do.