The shock from the announcement of the Quarter Quell was beginning to fully settle in. I was going back to the arena, I was going to have to fight to the death again, and then I felt my heart break as I realized I would be doing nothing, this was a we, it had been from the very beginning, and that wasn't going to change. I could go beg Haymitch to enter the arena instead, but I know the effort would be futile, if he wasn't reaped, Peeta would just volunteer, he would never let me go into the arena without him, to him it had always been "we". I found comfort in the strength of his conviction, until I remembered to him "we" meant dying for me. I could feel the tears beginning to stream down my face, and ran from the room, from the house and the Victor's Village, I couldn't let my mother and Prim see me break down. I was supposed to be the strong one, the girl on fire, not the girl drowning in her own tears. I ran, I didn't even know where my feet were taking me until I was at our old front door in the seam, until I was gripping the soft leather of my fathers hunting jacket, and slipping it on for warmth and strength. I heard the floorboards squeak under a new weight, and then heavy breathing. "Peeta?" Then the voice sighed, and I knew who it was, "Gale?" He was there, and then he was hugging me, holding me tighter than he ever had before. After a few moments he looked at my face, and wiped away my tears. "You, have to stop crying Catnip." I knew he was right, I knew he was holding back his own emotions and being strong for me, I took a deep breath, wiped the last few tears on my sleeve, and nodded looking up into Gales concerned face. He seemed to let out a breath I hadn't known he had been holding, then I knew our conversation was only starting. But the next thing that came out of his mouth was completely unexpected, "So, Peeta?" He raised the question, and I raised my eyebrows. "What about Peeta?" I asked, a ferocious protectiveness flaring up inside my chest, and I knew my eyes must have looked dangerous, because Gale held up his hands open faced between us, signaling me to calm down, but I could see the inner turmoil on his face at the thought he had brought up. "You, still don't see it, do you Katniss?" I opened my mouth to ask him what but he just started speaking faster, as if what he was saying had the power to cause him great pain. "Katniss, how can you not see that you have feelings for him, powerful feelings. I know at first it was just for show, for the idiots in the Capitol that find entertainment value in the games, but we both know, whether I try to deny it or not, that in that cave something changed. You unlocked your heart, and allowed him in, you allowed him to protect it, in a way that you have not let anyone do so since you were a little girl, and that was your fathers job." I was shocked, maybe I wanted to say something, to deny it. But here was Gale, admitting even though he too had feelings for me, that my heart belonged to Peeta, I suddenly understood the pain in his eyes, in his words, and the strange pain that had plagued my heart since the announcement of the Quarter Quell. It was not about losing my life, or letting Prim see my tears, it was about Peeta, about him being forced into the arena again, about loosing him. Now I really had to fight the tears, as Gale continued. " I wanted that person to be me, but its not, and now I understand it never will be. I know you love me Catnip, and I finally understand that you love me like you love Prim, I am your brother, your best friend. But Peeta is so much more. It angers me, but the more I turn it over in my head, the more I know that it has always been Peeta. He has been protecting you, since you were 11 years old, he is the boy with the bread, he gave you a second chance at life, and a will to live. I don't think he understood the impact of that event to you, and he may not even now, but he was the one able to tend your flames, he added wood and love to your fire, and brought its temperature back to normal, so it wouldn't burn out in the night. He took over where your father left off. He took the key, and became the guard. He did it from afar for years as you began to thrive on your own, but with the first stumble he was there and has not let go. He loves you, and you love him. It is a very different love than you have for me, don't deny it." He trails off, and I hear the touch of bitterness in his final words. We sit in silence for a while, I am not sure how long, as I am absorbing everything he just told me, but he doesn't leave he lets me think.
I don't know how long we sit in silence, but before I can even process the words they are out of my mouth, "But how can you be so sure?" Gale sighs once more, and looking into his face I can tell now he is the one holding back tears, I realize how much I have broken him, this strong boy, this survivor. But it only makes me feel more guilty that if I broke Gale, then I must have shattered Peeta with my admission on the train, with what I now realize were the worst lies I ever told, and in the time since then I have only made it worse. Gale seems to have collected himself, and just when I think he is going to storm out, he instead moves directly in front of me so I could not break eye contact.
When he speaks it is in a whisper that verifies every word out of his mouth breaks his heart. " Listen closely Catnip, I don't think I will be able to say this more than once." I grab his hand letting him know I am ready for him to proceed, he breathes out one slow breath then continues, " Watching you in that cave I knew things had changed, I knew that even if you made it back to me you would never be mine, not even to the extent you were before the reaping, but it was the look in your eyes after the final rule change that made me so sure. The reasons you don't believe in love, marriage, or children has always been heartache, you watched children starve, nearly starved yourself, then suffered through the reaping year after year. Then when it came to love you had your fathers love stolen from you, and watched part of your mother die with him. Your parents love for each other was so strong that your mother moved to the seam and into poverty, when he died you watched her die with him." he pauses, and I find myself lost by his logic, before I find my words to express this, he continues, "Catnip, the reason I am so sure, no matter how much I want it to be different, is because you love me and you love Prim, before the games you willingly broke the law, went into the forest and hunted to save our lives, you risked your life for ours on a daily basis, and when you volunteered for Prim you once again were willing to give your life for hers. That is love Katniss, you love us. But when they announced that they were backing out of the rule change, you decided that killing Peeta was not an option, it never had been, but you also decided that dying for Peeta, or letting him die for you, was also not an option. You knew Prim and I could go on without you, but you also knew Peeta couldn't, and beneath everything else you knew it was the same for you, if he died part of you would also die, probably the best parts of you. If you survived it would be with your mothers fate, but more than likely you would just waste away, and in that moment you decided it was better to die with him than live without him. That Catnip, is why I am sure. Because love is being willing to die for someone, but true love is different, true love is understanding that another persons soul is so interlinked with your own that a condition of that love is dying with them."
Everything Gale said came crashing into me, he was right my worst fear before the games had come true, I had fallen in love, hell, I had probably been in love since I was 11 years old. But then I felt anger bubbling up in me, why would he help me realize my love for Peeta on the evening I find out the Capitol will stop at nothing to pull us apart.
It seems what ever temporary filter Gale had applied to my voice was overpowered by this anger, "Why would you tell me that you saw the quell announcement, Peeta & I are going back into hell, and now it will be even harder to manage." My voiced cracked at the omission, and I felt warm tears sliding down my cheeks once more, but Gale looked genuinely confused, then I saw the fear in his eyes return, but this time it was riddled with concern. "Catnip," he began slowly, "you have only been home for six weeks, and you have spent that entire time locked up in your room, the quell won't be announced for months." I look at him and then look down, playing with the cotton of my sleep pants... My sleep pants, then I realize he is right when I fled my house in Victors Village, I fled my bed, I ran from my dreams, my nightmares, but it all seemed so real. Gale is talking again, and at first I don't hear him, then I realize he is shaking me almost violently. I look into his eyes and see his question before the words leave his mouth, "Are the nightmares really that bad?"