A/N: So I started writing a parody of the entire 358/2 Days game/movie/whatever over on Archive Of Our Own if anyone's interested in further shenaniganry...
Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts, Gurren Lagann, Undertale, and Super Best Friends Play are all created by people who have way better things to do than write weird meta crack fic on the internet. Well, maybe not that last group...
Roxas took the Dark Corridor with a sigh of relief. He was nearly a hundred days old and already it seemed like he'd seen everything life had to offer. The only thing that broke the monotony was the fact that Xion had recently lost the use of her Keyblade, meaning they shared every mission together. She'd come to Twilight Town ahead of him, but he couldn't remember which one of them was supposed to pick up the ice cream that day. He'd been doing it since Axel got back but occasionally he and Xion would trade off. Shrugging, Roxas went to the ice cream vendor and picked up three bars, wondering as he usually did about Vexen's obsession with secrecy when the three of them could always buy ice cream with no questions asked and no hassle. He ran to the clock tower and…entered it maybe? He had to get to the top somehow but the sequel showed no direct route to the top so how they got up there was never a hundred percent clear. When he got to the top, he saw Xion there waiting for him.
"Hay, gurl!" she greeted him, waving with a bag full of ice cream.
"…Dude," Roxas muttered, raising his own bag.
"Oh," said Xion.
"…"
"…"
"…We should probably have specified who'd get the ice cream today," Xion said eventually.
"Ya think?" Roxas sat down next to her. "Guess we'll just have to have two ice creams."
"Oh no, how ever will we manage," said Xion sarcastically. She blinked. "Shit, what if Axel doesn't even show up?"
"…Then we'll have three each? Dumbass?"
"Crap, if only we had jobs that involved burning all of the calories day in and day out." Xion fiddled with the handles of the plastic bag. "Say Roxas, do you ever think it's kind of unhealthy for us to consume nothing but Potions, Ethers, Elixers, the rare-sh upgrades of said items, and occasionally ice cream on a good day?"
"Prob'ly not," said Roxas, looking around for Axel and tapping his foot impatiently; he didn't want the ice cream to melt before he got there. "Forget the health issues, I'm not entirely sure I even trust that Moogle That Never Was. I mean, where'd he even come from? How does a fucking Moogle become a Nobody? What would their corresponding Heartless look like?!"
"I've always wondered where those weird mushroom Heartless come from," said Xion.
"The ones from the first game or the challenge ones from the 'second' game?"
"Yes."
"…You think the mushroom Heartless are specifically from Moogles that have give into the darkness."
"Not really, I'm just spit-balling and they always were weird enemies so it makes a vague amount of sense that they'd come from a weird source."
"How do you two even know about that type of Heartless?" came another voice. The two of them looked up and saw Axel finally appear. "There were specific rooms dedicated to those breeds in Castle Oblivion but none have appeared outside of it this year for some reason, so how would you guys know about a type of Heartless you've literally never seen?"
"I—hmm…" said Roxas.
"Yeah that's weird I guess," added Xion.
"Guess so. Also look at this thing I did." Axel held up his own bag of ice cream.
"…All three of us bough ice cream for the day?" said Xion incredulously. "Really?"
"…We're still eating all of it, right?" asked Roxas.
"I know I am, I don't care if you do," said Axel, plopping himself down next to Roxas and unwrapping his first bar. They all munched on their respective popsicles in companionable silence for several moments. They were just starting their second bars when Roxas brought up something he'd been wondering for a while.
"If we're not real, do we even need to eat? Hell, if we're missing our hearts already, are we missing any of our other internal organs that are vital to our continued survival?"
"Come to think of it, I don't remember ever seeing a Bathroom That Never Was in the entire Castle That Never Was," said Axel after a minute. "Have you ever needed to shit out this ice cream we keep eating?"
"It's not a hundred percent clear."
"What's shitting?" asked Xion, looking nonplussed when both Axel and Roxas turned to stare at her.
"…Once our bodies finish taking all the nutrients from whatever we ingest and turns it into energy, everything the body doesn't need is compacted and pushed out the butthole," Axel explained. "It is often brown and smelly and sometimes differs in consistency."
"Basically," said Roxas.
"Oh," said Xion. "I can safely say I have never done that in my life and have no idea where the ice cream goes after I eat it. Think I'm getting pretty full up on it, though," she added, putting her second stick down and staring at her third popsicle like it just insulted her nonexistent mother.
"Likewise," said Axel, throwing his second stick back in his bag and grabbing the third ice cream within. "I, however, believe in myself."
"Believe in the you that believes in yourself," said Roxas, already halfway through his third because knowing that he had to eat all three ice creams filled him with determination.
"There you go! Nom."
"I don't know if I can believe in the me that believes in myself," said Xion with some trepidation.
"Just do it," said Axel.
"Okay."
"Just do it you wimp."
"'M doin' it!" Xion protested around a mouthful of ice cream.
"Did any of us get a WINNER stick?" yelled Roxas.
"Nope."
"Hang on…no."
"Then what are we even fighting for."